An Ideal Wife (8 page)

‘Who are you?’ the Inspector demanded.

‘Sir, I am Sameer Kapoor and I work in an advertising agency. I have come to meet a friend of mine who was arrested last night from the rave party,’ Sameer spoke without even breathing.

‘How did you slip out of our hands last night?’ the Inspector rolled his eyes with suspicion.

‘I don’t go to such parties, sir,’ Sameer clarified.

‘But you do have friends who go, right?’ the Inspector scolded Sameer.

Sameer remained silent.

‘What is your friend’s name?’

Sameer was stunned by this question, as he didn’t even know my name.

‘Jamaila, dost ka naam bhi nahin malum aur usse chhudane chala aaya,’
a constable ridiculed.

‘Sir, how many names can you remember? He is a dwarf,’ Sameer successfully covered his embarrassment.

‘Oh him.’

‘Sir, please leave him, he is a good man.’

‘How do you know?’

‘What sir, good or man?’ Sameer was confused thinking the Inspector knew that I was a god.

The Inspector came closer to Sameer.

‘Are you Bhagwaan Dada?’ he asked with a snigger.

Sameer had no clue what to say now.

‘He is Bhagwaan Dada, leave this
Chhota
God and get hold of this bigger one. He is the root cause of all our problems,’ one of the criminals shouted from the lock-up pointing at Sameer.

Sameer was pale with fear now.

‘This bugger is going to get me killed,’
he murmured to himself.

‘What? Did you say something?’ the Inspector demanded.

‘Nothing sir,’ Sameer replied controlling himself and murmured again.
‘What the heck are you doing Sameer? Just calm down.’

Right then the Inspector heard loud cries coming from the lock-up. The criminals were beating me up yet another time.

‘Ae, chhod usse, nahin to pata hai na mein kya karoonga tumhare saath,
’ he threatened them all.

Quite reluctantly the inmates left me, looked at Sameer and threatened to slit his throat. The Inspector came back to Sameer who was still reeling under the threat.

‘You okay?’

Sameer regained his composure.

‘Yes sir, I was just…’ Sameer just froze seeing a criminal gesturing firing a gun at him.

‘Abey bol bhi, kya nautanki laga rakhi hai.
’

Sameer moved his eyes away from the criminals.

‘Sir, this dwarf got hit on his head in his childhood while playing a god’s role in the Ramleela; since then he thinks he is a god,’ Sameer came up with a masterstroke, surprising even himself.
‘Wow where did this come from?’
he wondered.

Sameer quietly looked at the Inspector to gauge the impact of his masterstroke.

‘
Tabhi!
I was confused since last night,
Chhota Bhagwan Bada Bhagwan, Bhagwaan Dada karke mera dimag kha gaya hai yeh,’
the Inspector spoke nodding his head as if he had unravelled a great mystery.

Sameer was elated; his stories were working.

‘Sir, please let him go I am ready to bail him out,’ Sameer put in hastily, before the Inspector could change his mind, or in fact use his mind at all.

‘Just take him without any bail otherwise he will get killed in the lock-up and I will have to face an inquiry.’

The Inspector looked at the constable.

‘
“Ae Shinde, laa bhai uss chhote bhagwan ko bahar la.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ Sameer said with a sigh of grateful relief.

As soon as the sub-inspector went to get me out of the lock-up all inmates gathered around me.

‘We are ready to let you go only if you get us that Bhagwaan Dada,’ one of the criminals spoke pointing at Sameer.

Sameer was petrified worse than a Harry Potter spell. All the policemen were also confused at this bizarre demand. The Inspector had to use a lot of force to get me out of the lock-up. During this tussle many criminals got beaten up very badly and they threatened Sameer with revenge.

Once out of the lock-up, I slowly walked up to the Inspector using the hips of a policeman. You must find that strange right? I can’t use his shoulders, silly; I’m a dwarf remember?

‘What have you done in just a day? I have never seen them react like this before,’ the Inspector questioned me.

I was too shaken and bruised to say anything.

‘You couldn’t make yourself disappear yesterday, now do that quickly.’ And with that the Inspector snapped his fingers, indicating I vanish in a flash.

I just kept looking at the Inspector, rather dumbly at that.

‘Abbe nikal jaldi yahan se,
’ he screamed with frustration.

I once again took help of Sameer’s hips while leaving the police station.

After few days I was lying on the couch at Sameer’s house with plasters on my hands and bandage all over my body. The TV was on and it was showing a Hindi film,
Ghayal,
where the lead actor, Sunny Deol, was being beaten badly by the police in a lock-up. Shivers ran down my spine, as the scene reminded me of my own ordeal. I finally managed to change the channel after a lot of struggle to pick the remote from the table.

After a few minutes, Sameer entered the room and offered a glass of juice to me but I showed no interest in drinking it. Sameer persisted with his offer but I didn’t budge. ‘I don’t want it,’ I said like a petulant child.

‘Then what do you want? Police
ki laathi…
oh I am sorry, you must be missing criminals’ thrashing, right?’ Sameer poked me.

I gave him a dejected look.

‘What? You had the perfect plan to get me killed by those criminals. I had to request the Inspector not to reveal my identity to those jerks,’ Sameer continued his tirade.

I continued to look at Sameer with a sombre expression.

‘Will you please at least say something?’

‘I need a break,’ I replied without even wasting a second.

‘What?’ Sameer reacted as if someone had pulled the rug from under him.

‘I need a break for some time,’ I clarified.

‘And what are you going to do in the break?’

‘I am thinking of going back to Heaven for a few days.’

‘What about your promise?’ Sameer reacted sharply.

‘I can fulfill the promise only if I am alive,’ I replied firmly, pointing at the bandages and plaster.

Sameer kept looking at me.

‘Just let me go for two weeks, I will surely come back with a plan to fulfill my promise.’

This wasn’t music to Sameer’s ears but he also knew that I was in a very bad state and urgently needed to recharge my batteries.

‘Okay, I can understand your situation but please make sure two weeks means two weeks. I am already running short of time.’ This was beginning to sound just like the beauty and the beast, beauty being me in this case!

‘Thank you dude,’ I said, wearing an ear-to-ear smile.

‘Dude!!!! It seems you are still under the influence of the rave party,’ Sameer winked and smiled.

I also smiled and left for heaven.

7

Recharging batteries
and god’s unique
plan

R
eaching heaven for me was just like finding an oasis. I completely forgot about my problem and went into a complete overdrive, unwinding and enjoying myself to the hilt. I also deliberately stayed away from everyone so as not to create any tension during this rejuvenating period.

All good things come to an end and no different was the fate of my dream vacation, which was cut short by one of my close friends who reminded me that my two weeks were soon getting over. As soon as he finished talking, I started getting jitters as my entire ordeal in Mrityulok flashed right in front of my eyes. I got worried and with no option left I ventured out to meet Bhagwaan Dada to seek his guidance.

On my way to his house, many god aspirants made fun of me but I continued to walk ignoring them, as I knew that any confrontation with them at this point in time might make things worse for me.

‘Look at the walk of the
Latsahab,’
one of the god aspirants poked at me.

‘How did he come back? Has he got that human his ideal wife?’ another one questioned.

‘Help me understand, teeny-weeny god, what does an ideal wife look like?’ he took a shot knowing the answer very well.

‘Let’s ask him, he must surely have a concrete list of the qualities of the Ideal Wife,’ came another slap.

They rushed at me with their verbal darts from all sides so I ran for cover. While running I was surprised to see that many other gods and god aspirants came out from the narrow by lanes of heaven and joined the chase. It was just like a classic chase from the late 70s Hindi films in which a hapless actress tries to save herself from rapacious wolves.

My luck ran out in front of a huge wall. I turned back and saw my tormentors charging towards me like bulls at matadors. With no option left, I jumped over the wall. Just then I had no idea that this split-second decision will be the turning point of my career as a god.

‘Oh shoot, where the heck has he gone?’ a god aspirant exclaimed seeing me jump over the wall.

‘He is dead.’

‘Let’s go and tell Bhagwaan Dada about it,’ another god aspirant opined.

‘After ages I might get a chance to become a god, I am not going to risk it,’ another aspirant shot down the suggestion.

‘Are you crazy? You are yet to become a god, why would I risk my god status?’ A god among the chasing bulls clarified.

‘I don’t get it, why would it be problem?’

‘Can’t you see Bhagwaan Dada still loves him and we cannot do anything to risk our chances?’

‘Yeah, you are right.’

I couldn’t hear my tormentors clearly on the other side of the wall. After a while the voices vanished, clearly leaving me to my fate. I had no clue then, but they were all bursting with happiness, knowing full well I had literally committed suicide by jumping over this wall.

Finally heaving a sigh of relief, I looked around and found myself standing in the grounds of the Apsara Mahal. I knew if I got caught here then apart from losing my god status I would also be handed a severe punishment. Before I could think of jumping over the wall to the other side I saw many Apsaras coming towards me so I immediately found a hiding place.

During the next few hours I tried many times to run out of the Apsara Mahal but every time I had to come back to my hiding place due to one reason or the other. Understanding the gravity of the precarious situation, I decided to hide myself till night spread its darkness.

It was a long and terribly anxious wait, but I did finally get the opportunity to sneak out. As I was about to move out of the Apsara Mahal, I heard an Apsara cry. I ignored it for the first time and climbed the wall to jump over to the other side but her constant loud weeping pulled at the strings of my do-gooder heart and I had no choice but to abandon all plans of escape and follow the sound.

I reached a small house, at one end of the Apsara Mahal, which explained that she was someone lower down the order among Apsara hierarchy. I looked inside the house through the open window and found that few goddesses were gathered around a delicate-looking Apsara who was trembling with fear.

‘Just because of you we ended up losing the position,’ one of the goddesses thundered.

‘Please forgive me,’ the quivering Apsara replied.

‘You know what you’ve done? This was our golden chance to beat the gods. We had even planted a mole in their squad yet we ended up losing.’

‘Please forgive me, this won’t happen again.’

‘Too late my dear,’ a goddess replied very casually.

‘I think I should remove her name from the goddess aspirant list,’ another goddess added.

‘Good, just update the punishment in our internal server.’

One goddess took out her hPad and started updating the server but it kept rejecting her update.

‘Not sure what’s happening! Why it is not allowing me to update the server?’ The goddess was baffled.

‘Please, please forgive me,’ the weeping apsara made another attempt to save herself.

Right then the door opened with a bang and the chief goddess, Bhagwaan Mata entered the room and looked at everyone angrily. Standing outside, I could see that all the goddesses and the apsara were really scared to see her. I knew something bad was going to happen, as Bhagwaan Mata never visits anyone’s house.

‘It won’t allow you to update an already updated status,’ she boomed through the palace.

Everyone was confused and kept looking at her with a blank face.

‘I have already removed her from the list,’ she explained haughtily.

Everyone was surprised to hear that Bhagwaan Mata herself took pains to update the server.

‘But I think this punishment is not enough for the great loss of face we have suffered today,’ she continued.

The delicate looking apsara now quivered like a leaf in a thunderstorm.

‘I curse her to spend one full life in Mrityulok and that too without any divine powers,’ Bhagwaan Mata pronounced the most unthinkable punishment for a divine being.

‘Please, please, please, please, please forgive me,’ the poor apsara kept pleading.

Bhagwaan Mata just upped and left, without paying any attention to her requests. Other goddesses felt sorry for the apsara but they were too scared to disobey Bhagwaan Mata so they also left the house without saying a word to her.