Authors: Sanjay Grover
Though it was Sameer’s favourite place still he didn’t seem to enjoy the food. Realising the seriousness of the situation Fatty suggested that he takes a few days off from work. Anyone else in his office would have been thrilled with such an offer, but there was no such reaction from Sameer.
Back to Heaven
I was still narrating the story when another kid interrupted me.
‘Can you please stop?’
I stopped and looked at him.
‘I am getting confused here,’ the kid continued.
‘Why so?’ I questioned
‘We asked you about the difficult task you faced, then why are you narrating Sameer’s story to us?’
I smiled hearing the question.
‘Just give me another five minutes and you will get your answer,’ I requested
The kid nodded and I continued.
4
Arrival of a helping hand
A
fter relaxing for three days at home Sameer made another unsuccessful attempt at a new pub in town but returned home exhausted, both physically and mentally. He went to sleep without even changing his clothes.
During his disturbed sleep he dreamt that God has come down to earth to help him find his soul mate. He woke up with a shock and was surprised to see me sitting on the chair next to his bed. By just looking at his face, I could easily understand that Sameer was surprised to see me wearing cargo shorts, flip-flops and a tight jazzy red T-shirt showing my biceps. I was also wearing a headphone over my ears, carrying my hPhone (which Steve Jobs had developed once he came to our land), hPod and many other weird looking electronic gadgets, which further added to his confusion.
‘What’s up buddy?’ I smiled and asked Sameer.
Though in shock, Sameer didn’t lose his composure.
‘Oye Jimmy, I gave you the keys that doesn’t mean you can allow anyone to enter my house,’ Sameer shouted thinking Jimmy was in the house.
I kept smiling and this angered Sameer even further. He got up from the bed, went to the living room and then to the other bedroom but couldn’t find Jimmy anywhere in the house. He came back to the bedroom but not before picking the knife from kitchen.
‘Who are you and how did you enter my home?’ Sameer threatened, flashing the kitchen knife.
I continued to smile.
‘Are you deaf? Didn’t you hear that I just asked you something?’ Sameer raised his voice.
‘I am God and I don’t need keys to enter anyone’s home,’ I replied calmly.
Sameer was shocked, rather amused, and scanned me top to bottom while paying special attention to my clothes.
‘God and you?’ Sameer started laughing but still kept himself in control for any eventuality.
‘Don’t go on my size or the clothes I am wearing. These silly TV serials are still feeding you people with our centuries-old image,’ I explained.
Sameer controlled his laughter.
‘See, we too have advanced like humans,’ I pointed at my gadgets and clothes.
‘So you mean you are THE GOD?’ Sameer inquired, still in disbelief.
‘Well yes. One of the gods,’ I replied.
‘Okay, then why don’t you make yourself disappear?’ Sameer spoke thinking he had called my bluff.
I disappeared even before Sameer could complete the sentence. Sameer couldn’t believe his eyes and rubbed them with the back of his hands. After a few minutes he hit the back of his head with his right hand.
‘Silly me, what the heck am I seeing? No one was here,’ Sameer shook his head and smiled at himself.
Right then I appeared again, leaving him more open-mouthed than before.
‘What? Cat got your tongue, buddy?’
‘No…I mean yes,’ Sameer stuttered.
‘Do you believe me now or want some more proof?’
‘Somewhat but still not sure why you have come to earth and what you want from me,’ he said.
‘Nothing, I want nothing from you.’
‘So you have come for time pass thinking my home to be a palace of some goddess or what?’
‘I have come to help you,’ I replied calmly.
Sameer took a while to think what he should be saying next. And then he moved closer to me with a menacing look.
‘Get up from the chair and leave my home immediately,’ he ordered, swinging the knife.
I was taken aback.
‘Now I am sure you are some magician who has been sent by my friends to fool me on April Fool’s day…Oye Jimmy, I know you are hiding somewhere, come out otherwise I am going to hurt your so-called God,’ Sameer spoke with anger.
‘Why don’t you believe me, buddy?’
‘Because I have no reason to do so.’
‘And why not?’
‘Why would THE GOD come to help an atheist like me?’
‘Atheist?????’ I was shocked to hear this from Sameer.
‘Yes, atheist,’ Sameer emphasised.
‘But you are my biggest follower,’ I answered.
‘Me and your biggest follower? Are you on dope or something?’
I was still unable to understand Sameer.
‘Forget about praying at a temple, I don’t even take the route which has a temple in it,’ Sameer explained the extent of his disbelief.
‘You don’t need to go to a temple to be my biggest follower.’
Sameer wasn’t convinced.
‘Haven’t you helped hundreds of people in need, without any greed or personal benefits?’
Sameer shook his head in disbelief.
‘What more do I want from my followers?’
‘But I am still not sure.’
‘About what?’
‘Why me?’
‘Just look at yourself,’ I continued.
Sameer childishly looked at himself in the full-size mirror.
‘What has happened to me? I am fit and fine.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ I queried.
‘Yeah, I am pretty sure,’ Sameer’s facial expressions belied his voice.
‘Do you even realise how much you have changed after placing that silly bet of yours with your friend Jimmy?’ My pertinent question had an answer in it.
Sameer kept looking at me.
‘Forget about helping others, you are not even helping yourself. In fact you have been harming yourself.’
Sameer nodded in agreement.
‘That’s quite true but how can you help me?’
‘By finding your Ideal Wife, silly you.’
‘Finding my Ideal Wife?’
‘Why not?’
‘You must be joking, right?’ Sameer winked at me.
‘You don’t believe me, do you?’
‘Nope.’
‘I promise you that I will find the Ideal Wife for you,’ I replied in a flash without considering the consequences.
‘Pakka?’
Sameer poked again.
‘Pakka kya aur kaccha kya,
don’t compare us with humans, for us a promise means a promise,’ I took charge of the situation.
‘Okay, I was just testing that you won’t change your mind later,’ Sameer clarified.
I gave Sameer a ‘whatever’ kind of look.
‘Wait a minute,’ Sameer walked towards his bed and took out a piece of paper from under the pillow. He handed it to me. I opened it and it rolled down like a toilet paper roll.
‘What’s this?’ I just couldn’t believe my eyes seeing such a big list.
‘List of qualities of my ideal wife,’ Sameer spoke like a child.
‘What? Are you crazy?’ I replied in shock.
‘I just knew it! I am THE GOD…promise is promise…all that bullshit; you can’t do a damn thing, just return my list.’
Sameer tried to snatch the list but I thwarted his attempt.
‘Wait, wait, let me think of something,’ I tried to calm Sameer down.
We walked out of the bedroom to the living room and started strolling within the apartment. After a few minutes, I had a huge smile on my face and took out my hPhone from the side pocket of my cargo shorts. Sameer was amazed to see the unique looking cellphone.
‘Don’t be so amused, this is my Swarg hPhone, a Steve Jobs special. I am going to speak with my Deputy, Chitti in Heaven on the hotline,’ I clarified and dialled a number.
Now Chitti was by no means an influence of Rajnikant. He was called that just because he was that fair!
He answered my call immediately. Chitti was a tech-savvy young guy and was testing some new software on his laptop. After the usual greetings, I started narrating the list to him. Since the list was quite long, Sameer decided to leave me alone.
After entering the data in Human Creation Software in his laptop for more than five minutes Chitti got fed up.
‘Sir, can you please transfer the list directly into the Human Creation Software?’ he suggested cautiously.
‘Sure but you know I am still learning the tricks of this trade, please help me out,’ I requested with some softness in my voice.
‘Sure sir, please run the screen of your Swarg hPhone over the list very slowly and I will take care of the rest,’ Chitti advised calmly though keeping his fingers crossed for the proper transfer of data; which, for some reason, he highly doubted.
I did exactly what he suggested while he pressed a button on his laptop after receiving a pop-up window and bingo the list got transferred to the Human Creation Software directly.
‘He is quite a fast learner. I think I need to clear my preconceived notions about his abilities,’
Chitti murmured, admiring me.
While Chitti was busy running the software in heaven, Sameer entered the living room with two mugs of coffee. One of the mugs had a Lord Krishna picture on it whereas the other had a sexy lady image. Sameer offered the Lord Krishna mug to me. I smiled, grabbed the other mug and winked at Sameer.
‘You enjoy your coffee in the mug gifted by your mother, I will thank Jimmy for this,’ I said, toasting with the hot siren mug. Sameer also smiled and took a sip from his mug. We started discussing some of the important qualities of his Ideal Wife. I was astonished to hear Sameer’s logic behind seeking those qualities.
In the meantime, my guy in heaven finished the search on his laptop and it showed a message — ‘Have you gone mad?’ He smiled and shook his head and murmured,
‘Humans will always remain humans, never satisfied with what they have, always looking for something better.’
‘Sir, there is no match, why don’t you ask Sameer to reduce the number of the qualities?’ He said over the phone.
I was too busy enjoying the coffee.
‘Wow, amazing taste, we surely need this in heaven.’
‘This is what you get at Costa Coffee,’ Sameer replied.
‘Can we get its franchise up there?’ I joked.
‘Sir, I am still holding,’ my man Friday reminded me with mock patience.
‘Oh I am sorry, what did you say?’
‘There is no match sir; can you please ask Sameer to reduce the number of qualities?’ Chitti repeated.
From my cloud of utter coffee bliss, I saw Sameer looking anxiously at me.
‘Why don’t you try again? Sameer has made me extremely happy with this coffee,’ I replied, raising the mug.
Chitti shook his head in disbelief but couldn’t do anything and went ahead with what was asked of him. Sameer loved the way I was trying to help him out.
As soon as the software finished the search, another message popped up on my man’s laptop screen. ‘You have surely gone mad, please see the doctor.’ Chitti couldn’t help but laugh at himself.
‘Sir, I am sorry it’s the same result. Please ask Sameer to reduce the number.’ This time he was firm.
‘No luck man, can you please reduce the number of qualities?’ I spoke with an easy tone while taking another sip of the coffee.
‘I’m not going to settle with some stripped down version…you are THE GOD…do something,’ Sameer replied.
Sameer’s reply shook me from inside. I took some time to compose myself and then finished my coffee.
‘Look, please understand we have never created a girl with the kind of qualities you are looking for. So it’s not possible for me to help you out here,’ I tried to reason with Sameer.
‘As if I care, you just said a promise is a promise. What happened to that?’
I just kept looking at him.
‘Okay, if you haven’t created that kind of a girl till now then just create one for me,’ proving Adamancy Thy Name is Sameer.
‘What have I done?’
I muttered.
I spoke to Chitti again.
‘Do something man, I am in a real mess here.’
‘Sir, my hands are tied, I can’t go beyond the software and I am not sure if anyone can really do that,’ he explained with such abject helplessness that I began to panic.
At that moment I got an emergency message on my hPhone. It was a grave emergency and I had no choice but to rush back.
‘Sameer, I have to leave now,’ I spoke hurriedly.
‘What? You kidding? What happened to your promise?’ Sameer was going crazy too now.
‘Kya promise ko pakad ke baitha hai?
I am dead if I don’t return immediately,’ I replied helplessly.
‘I knew it’s all a lie,’ Sameer lamented.
‘I said I would get you what you want. Right now I have to leave as I have got an emergency message from Bhagwaan Dada – he is our top god, boss god, whatever you please.’
Sameer kept looking with a sad face.
‘Please understand I am dead if I don’t go back at once. I promise I will come back soon to fulfill my promise,’ I explained the emergency.
‘Okay, I have seen people breaking their promises; let’s see how God keeps his promise,’ Sameer poked me again.
I thanked Sameer and disappeared.
5
Helping hand needs help
I
landed near the gates of heaven, hidden behind a spellbinding, totally gigantic waterfall. It was flowing at an extraordinary speed, dropping sharply from a very high altitude.
I put my right palm on a big rock near the waterfall; the LED light appeared on the waterfall and welcomed me after authenticating my image. I then stood right in the middle of the cascades, looking up. The water fell on my eyes and the same liquid was then collected and analysed by a machine connected to the waterfall. After the second authentication, the waterfall parted only enough to allow passage.
As soon as I entered heaven, everyone started laughing at me. I wasn’t sure why. I grabbed my
vayumobile
parked near the gate and proceeded further.
As I passed through the outskirts and entered the main city, a bright white light illuminated me from the top and created a special aeropath for me. It was marked with green lights on both sides. All other
vayumobiles
were barred from entering this special path so I could reach my destination quickly.