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Authors: Iris Murdoch

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BOOK: An Accidental Man
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‘Trouble, yes.' Ludwig had forgotten about trouble.
‘Ireland is like Austin. Nice to look at, and one's sorry for it, but it's somehow — awful.'
‘Poor Austin again!'
‘And one would have to know so much history. I hate history. Sorry.'
‘Yes. I know. Everyone talks history here.'
‘Ninety-eight and so on. Tell me what ninety-eight was some time.'
‘Yes —'
‘But not now.'
Not now. That night Gracie lay sleeping in Ludwig's arms as he watched the regular endless mysterious message of the lighthouse. Only sometimes, but not now as he blissfully held that naked sleeping form close against his own, did he fleetingly recall that out beyond the blink of Fastnet and over the waves of the horizon there still relentlessly existed, multifarious and dangerous and seething with dreadful life, America.
‘Austin hasn't been back?'
‘Not since yesterday morning.'
‘You're sure he believed you?'
‘Yes. I was in such a panic, I just said firmly “She's lying down now, you can't see her”, and then I prayed!'
Matthew was talking to Mavis on the telephone.
‘You think he sort of expected that?'
‘I suspect he felt he couldn't face her.'
‘After what she told me happened.'
‘Yes. He seemed almost relieved. And he'd already written and brought that long letter.'
‘The one you steamed open.'
‘Yes. You still think we shouldn't give it to her?'
‘Not just yet.'
‘Another one came by post this morning and I steamed that open too.'
‘I say, we are going it, Mavis.'
‘I know. Today's one is just the same, incoherent self-accusation and ramblings about forgiveness.'
‘Austin is the sort of person who feels he can change the world by writing a letter.'
‘Yes, he believes in magic.'
‘Did he say anything about his movements?'
‘Only that he was going to see Norman Monkley. He said, “I'm going to help poor Norman to remember things”!'
‘God!'
‘I'm so afraid if he doesn't hear from her he'll come round again.'
‘Let it go another day.'
‘She still doesn't want to see me?'
‘No. It's not that — She's in a charmed state. I can't explain. We've talked a great deal, you know.'
‘Oh.'
‘Mavis, I honestly think it's doing her good. And somehow it's the only chance. I didn't want this to happen, I would have shunned it of all things, but now it's happened I've got to go through with it. You understand.'
‘Yes, my dear, yes.'
‘It isn't that she doesn't want to see
you.
At the moment she doesn't want to see anybody.'
‘Except you.'
‘Except me.'
‘What about Charlotte?'
‘I don't think Charlotte's there. I've telephoned her several times. Of course Charlotte may come in useful. I can't keep Dorina here much longer.'
‘No. It's too dangerous.'
‘Quite.'
‘And if she doesn't want to come back here she might go to Char?'
‘Yes. I'll try giving Charlotte another ring.'
‘Don't say too much, to Char I mean.'
‘No, no. In fact I'm sure she will want to come back to you, even as soon as tomorrow.'
‘I hope so. Matthew, I terribly want to see you.'
‘I terribly want to see you, my darling. But at the moment I've just got my hands full. I've never felt quite so, you know, called upon. It's not that I've actually got to watch her all the time, but I've got to sort of be there.'
‘Like God!'
‘Don't laugh!'
‘I'm not laughing.'
‘She's at peace, I think, for the first time for ages. She's sweating the fear out of herself. Excuse the metaphor. She's got a real sense of security, which I can give her. It's not any merit of mine.'
‘I know, it's animal magnetism. I've seen you doing it at dinner parties. Sorry, darling, I'm only teasing. I do really believe that you can help her and nobody else can.'
‘Thank you, Mavis. Hang on till tomorrow. We'll make a plan tomorrow. Today I'll just keep things quietly going here.'
‘Matthew, supposing Austin turns up at Valmorana and insists on seeing her? What on earth am I to say?'
‘Say she's somewhere in the country with Charlotte.'
‘And I don't know where! Oh God! Or what about Garth? No, I can't say she's with Garth, Austin would hate that.'
‘We'd better get hold of Garth. We may need him.'
‘He's moving his digs and he isn't on the telephone.'
‘Well, write to him, and perhaps you'd write to Charlotte too. Ask them both to telephone you as soon as they get the letter. No need to say much. But we may as well have them both available.'
‘Yes. Matthew, I'm scared stiff of Austin turning up again. Do persuade Dorina to come back here.'
‘I will. And I'll keep on ringing Charlotte. Try not to worry too much. I'll see you soon, dear love.'
‘Dear Matthew —'
‘What is it?'
‘Keep me safe too. If you really are God.'
‘Mavis, I love you. That's what that is.'
‘I know. Bless you. I'll ring again this evening. Look after that poor child.'
‘Of course. Goodbye, darling.'
Matthew put down the telephone and went over to the window. In the enclosed garden outside Dorina was wandering to and fro upon the lawn. She was wearing a clean dress, a little blue stripey affair, which Mrs Carberry had brought over by taxi in a suitcase together with other things neatly packed up by Mavis. Her light brown hair, carefully combed, was hanging loose, cut off in a level line across her shoulder blades. She was walking to and fro very slowly, looking down intently at the grass. Like a captive, he thought. She had always been a captive. She must have walked rather like that at Valmorana. And in some unimaginable way at the flat when Austin was out at the office. She has belonged to Mavis, to Austin, to Mavis, and now to me.
Matthew went down the stairs and out into the sunny shady garden. The garden was large enough not to be entirely shaded by the high brick walls and the walnut tree. The shadow of the walnut tree did not reach the house until the evening. Dorina walked towards him faintly smiling. Her serenity was uncanny.
‘You've been talking to Mavis.'
‘Yes. How did you know?'
‘I just knew. Austin hasn't been there?'
‘No.'
‘Good. You and Mavis must feel as if you're holding a hand grenade with the pin out.'
‘What an image. I assure you we feel nothing of the sort.'
‘Don't worry, Matthew. I know I can't stay here much longer.'
‘You can stay as long as you like, my dear.'
‘Let's sit on the grass. It's so dry. Who cuts the grass? Do you?'
‘No. An Irishman called Geraghty from County Kerry. I've given him a week's holiday.'
‘Because of me. We're all sealed off, aren't we. We might as well be up there travelling through space.'
‘Do you mind?'
‘No. I know it can't last. But while it lasts it's timeless, something rescued absolutely from time. Give me your hand. It's so quiet here. What day of the week is it?'
‘Friday.'
‘Matthew —'
‘Yes, my dear child?'
‘I think I've told you everything I know, everything I remember, and a great deal more besides.'
‘I hope you don't regret it.'
‘No. I feel completely made new. All the fear, all that weird tangled part of my being, you know, seems to have gone out of me and some great blank quiet power has come in. Do you understand?'
‘I think so.'
‘Will it last?'
‘Not quite like this. But I do believe that the things that are better will stay better.'
‘You were so wonderful the way you put your arms around me on the first night.'
‘I felt then that it had to be.'
‘This thing between us.'
‘Yes, what I had to do. Half measures were no good. I had to care for you and talk to you properly.'
‘You have done so. I don't feel any sort of guilt or worry about having stayed here.'
‘I'm glad. You know that we can never tell Austin about this.'
‘I know. Yes, yes. I know.'
They were sitting on the grass together underneath the walnut tree. Dorina sighed, pressed Matthew's hand and released it.
‘I do really think things will be better, Matthew, things with Austin will be better. Somehow I've stopped being frightened of him, where there was fear once there's now just pity and love. And those other things, you know, have quite gone away.'
‘There are no final cures, Dorina, don't hope too much. But if you and Austin could come together and be happy I can't think of anything that would make
me
happier.'
‘I think after all I will go back to Valmorana tomorrow.'
‘Good — good child.'
‘I want to start doing things at once, you see. I want to see Austin — You still haven't got in touch with Char?'
‘No, she must be away.'
‘You will help her to move somewhere else soon so that we can have the flat?'
‘Yes.'
‘I feel as if I could make things happen now. Before I was always shut off from life, behind glass, just watching.'
‘My dear —'
‘Matthew, I love you. You know that.'
‘That's all right. I love you too!'
‘Shall we meet afterwards?'
‘I don't see that we can, Dorina.'
There was silence between them. Matthew took her hand again. They sat like two children.
He saw a tear coming quietly down Dorina's cheek.
‘Don't grieve, my child.'
‘No, I know — how things have got to be — this has been a special enclosed time and can't have any consequences — I mean except in my being better. It's just that when one thinks of — never — never meeting or writing — when there is so much love — it seems like death.'
‘I know, but — sometimes in life one has to die.'
‘Yes. And I am brave enough to die. Only never forget that I love you.'
‘I won't forget, Dorina. The pain is mine too. Don't you forget that.'
Dearest Char,
I rang but no answer so this is just a little note to send love. Why do we never see you? You must come round to dins. I expect you would like some news of us and the children. Let me see. Patrick has won the History Prize. Gracie is blissfully happy with Ludwig in Ireland. George has been promoted (he is now
very
grand). I have been terribly busy with the wedding arrangements. Did I tell you I am designing all the clothes myself? And I am getting the dressmaker to run up quite a trousseau for ME as well! Life is thrilling but
terribly
full. How are you? We really must meet. I will telephone again, but not at once, since the next two or three days are
packed
with jobs, seeing dressmakers, seeing florists, seeing photographers, one is
never
done. We so look forward to the lazy peace of our Greek cruise with Richard immediately after the wedding. George and I will feel it is a second honeymoon for us! I am looking forward to it with such childish glee. Well, that's our news, what's yours? Why do we never see you? You must come round to dins. I will ring again when there's a spot of time. Au revoir, dear, and much love from
Clara
PS George, who has just come in from some jolly drinks with Charles and the boys, bids me send you his
special
love!!
Dear Charlotte,
just a letter to you not apropos of anything in particular. I would like to have seen you but I have been kept very busy in the East End. The scenes here are depressing beyond words. One sees how little impression the Welfare State has made and how many people are still very poor indeed and desperate, particularly women with strings of children and unable to cope. The men at least can go to the pub. I am moving very shortly to Notting Hill where I gather things are just as bad but different. Being able to do so little fills one with sadness. And makes one count one's own blessings. When I'm back on the west side at Notting Hill I'll hope to see you. Maybe I could even enlist your help? Have you seen Ludwig, I wonder? He always speaks of you so warmly. I do hope that you are well and happy. I send sincerest wishes and thoughts.
Yours
Garth
My dear Charlotte,
we have been trying to get in touch with you. Matthew and I feel that you could be of great use to us about Dorina. We are rather worried about her. We will tell you when we see you. Probably you are away on holiday. Would you be so kind as to ring us at once when you return? We should be most grateful. With very best wishes from us both,
Mavis
PS I feel I should say that Austin and Dorina will soon be needing the flat.
Charlotte listened for a while to the telephone ringing. George and Clara had paid the telephone bill. Then she wandered into the kitchen and threw the fragments of the three letters into the bin. Her loose tooth was aching. The sun was shining into the kitchen and on to a number of opened and half emptied tins. There was a smell of decay and a quantity of buzzy blue flies. Charlotte wandered out of the kitchen again and into the bedroom which faced north. The bed was unmade. The nylon gauze curtains on the window were dark with dirt. She lay down on the bed.
BOOK: An Accidental Man
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