Always You (28 page)

‘You look fine,’ said Becky, standing up and holding on to the newel post.

Sarah grabbed keys off the hall table and opened the door. The night was still and warm. Neighbours two doors down were barbecuing, smoke and the sound of laughter permeating the air. She stepped onto the doorstep and took a deep breath of the smoggy air. ‘Wish me luck.’

‘Sarah?’

‘What?’

‘You should go to Australia.’

She paused, came back inside and partially closed the door. They had talked about the possibility before but Becky had never before given her assent. ‘You wouldn’t mind?’

‘Not if it made you happy. And I believe that without Cahal, you won’t be. I’d miss you terribly of course, but I don’t need you to look after me anymore. I have my own life.’

Sarah realised with sudden clarity that this was true. Since she’d started dating Tony, Becky’s life had taken a more settled path and, though the sisters remained close, their relationship had changed. It was as if Becky had, finally, grown up.

Sarah felt the burden that she had carried since the day her mother died, lift. And a tear slipped out the corner of her eye.

‘Oh, come here, you big cry-baby,’ said Becky and she gave Sarah a fierce hug.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Sarah. ‘It’s just that I’m really, really happy for you.’ She thought for a few moments. ‘But it wouldn’t be fair to leave you with Dad and Aunt Vi to look after. I mean they’re both great now but –’

‘Sure, the two of them have constitutions like oxen,’ laughed Becky.

Sarah forced a smile. ‘But it’s only a matter of time before they start to fail, isn’t it?’

‘I know. But I don’t mind, Sarah, really.’

‘You’re saying that now. You might not feel the same when the time comes.’

‘Honestly, Sarah, it’s all right. I have thought about it. You can’t stay here waiting for one of them to fall ill.’

‘Well, it’s really sweet of you to say that, Becky, and I appreciate it. But talk of me going to Australia is all pie in the sky. Ian would never agree to me taking the kids away.’

‘He might not be able to stop you. Not if you go to court.’

Sarah was momentarily speechless. The idea had never occurred to her and she was shocked that Becky had suggested it. It seemed such a crude and brutal tool to accomplish what ought to be achieved through compromise and agreement.

An image came to mind. Ian in the hospital cradling newborn Molly the morning after the night she had been born. Sarah remembered drifting in and out of consciousness, exhausted by lack of sleep and loss of blood. But she recalled quite clearly, how he’d stood by the window in the grey morning light with this tiny, swaddled scrap of life in his arms – and cried silent tears of joy.

‘Oh, Becky,’ she said, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘I might not love Ian, but I could never do that to him.’

Every house on Grace Avenue was shrouded in darkness, cars nestled in the narrow driveways, curtains drawn. Down in the town centre the church bell chimed midnight, the sound carried far and wide on the still night air.

The battery on her mobile was almost dead and Sarah’s bottom ached from sitting on the cold concrete doorstep outside Cahal’s house. His car was gone. She’d searched every pub she could think of and driven out to Ballygally and back, in case he’d taken a midnight walk to clear his head. She’d even braved the Drumalis estate to visit his parents’ flat, but no one answered the door. And now she circled the bungalow, her arms wrapped around her body, while her mind began to suspect the worst. Where could he be? The noise of a car pulling up on the street sent Sarah racing to the front of the house. She saw at once that it was Cahal’s car and ran down the drive to meet him, her heart pounding.

‘Oh, darling, are you all right?’ she cried, running into his arms. He had no jacket on, only the blue shirt and trousers he’d been wearing earlier. ‘I’ve been so worried.’

His embrace was lacklustre and he did not reply at once. She pulled back. In the yellow light of the streetlamp, his eyes were black and wet and he smelt of beer. ‘I’m all right,’ he said, his voice heavy as lead, his face all shadows.

She grabbed his limp hand and said, ‘Where have you been? I looked all over town. In every place I could think of. I’ve been texting and phoning all night too.’

‘I’m sorry. I switched the phone off.’

‘That’s okay,’ she sighed and her heartbeat slowed. ‘I’m just so relieved you’re all right.’

He smiled faintly then and said, ‘You came looking for me?’

‘Of course I did.’

He hung his head. ‘You still love me then?’

She squeezed his hand tight. ‘Oh, Cahal, how could I ever stop?’

She let go of his hand and slipped her arm round his waist. He draped his arm over her shoulder and together they walked to the house. Inside, he threw his keys on the coffee table and slumped on the sofa. He leaned back with his knees splayed apart and closed his eyes.

‘Shall I make us some coffee?’ she said.

‘Please.’

When they both had mugs in their hands, Sarah curled up on the velvet armchair.

‘What a night,’ he said and shook his head sadly. He had dark rings under his eyes and his face was shadowed with black stubble. ‘What happened after I left?’

Sarah looked into the milky coffee. ‘Quite a lot. I had a chat with Aunt Vi and I found out from Dad that it was him that answered your phone call.’

‘No surprise there.’

‘But Aunt Vi never took your letters. Nor did Dad. It was Becky.’

‘I thought you two were like this.’ He lifted up his hand, middle and forefinger entwined together.

‘We were. In a way, that’s why she took them. She was afraid I’d go off to Australia and leave her. She was only eleven, Cahal. She thought if she took them, I’d forget about you and everything would go back to the way it was.’

‘And I suppose it did,’ he said, one eyebrow raised cynically, his mouth unsmiling. ‘So she got what she wanted.’

‘Except that my heart was broken, Cahal. And I was never the same girl again.’

‘Oh, sweetheart.’ He knelt on the floor in front of her. His long black eyelashes brushed his cheek, and he said shyly, ‘Have you had a chance to read any of the letters?’

Sarah’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I’m sorry, darling. She destroyed them a long time ago.’

‘Oh.’ He sat back on his heels and thought for a few moments. ‘Maybe it’s just as well.’

‘What do you mean?’ cried Sarah, who was still reeling from the injustice. ‘Now I can never read them for myself. I’ll never know what was in them.’

He sighed and smiled, and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. ‘Those letters were love letters, bursting with passion and feeling. I loved you so much I thought I would die without you. But they were also bitter and full of hateful recriminations against your family. They were meant for the eyes of a nineteen-year-old girl, Sarah, not a beautiful, confident woman. I’m afraid if you read them now you’d think them immature, childish even. So don’t fret. The things that matter, we hold here and here.’ He placed the flat of his hand over his heart, then touched his head. ‘Not on pieces of paper. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ she smiled. Perhaps he was right. The letters were part of the past – it was time to let it go and look to the future.

He took his place on the sofa again. Rubbing his hands together he hung his head and looked up at her, his eyes narrow and small. ‘I can understand now why everyone in your family hates me so much. I hate who I am.’

‘Oh, Cahal.’ His words tore at her heart. She uncurled her legs, went and sat beside him and placed a hand on his arm. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘How would you feel if you found out you were the child of a rapist?’

Sarah tried to put herself in his shoes, to feel what he was feeling but it was beyond her comprehension. She felt so desperately sorry for him. ‘I can’t imagine what you must feel like.’

He rubbed his face with his hands. ‘I feel like I’ve been contaminated by something evil. It’s as if part of him lives inside me. Here.’ He thumped his chest with a balled fist. ‘I knew he was capable of violence of course. He used to knock us about – and my mother.’

Sarah tried not to wince. Cahal had never spoken explicitly about his father’s violence though reading between the lines, and having met the man, she was not surprised. He had an aura of suppressed rage about him.

‘But a sex crime against a defenceless young woman? It’s … it’s revolting. And do you know what he said to me when I confronted him? He said she asked for it.’

‘Oh my God. How awful.’ The statement hung in the air, vile and repugnant. Sarah had never hated anyone more in that moment than she hated Malachy Mulvenna. ‘You saw him tonight then?’

‘Yes. When they weren’t at home I went straight to Ballyfergus Social Club. They’re never out of the place. Cheapest drink in County Antrim.’ He gave a small cynical laugh. ‘My mother was there too.’

Up till now he had avoided looking Sarah in the eye, as if he could not bear to look at her. But now he stared at her intensely, his eyes full of tears and his face all crumpled up. ‘She knew all along, Sarah. She knew about it and she stayed with him.’ He curled his lips up in disgust and looked away. ‘You know, I’ve always seen her as a victim,’ he said angrily, ‘I’ve always stood up against him to protect her. But now I see that she’s no better than him. Well, that’s it. I’m finished with the two of them. I never want to see either of them again. I don’t even want to be in the same country as them.’

Tears blurred Sarah’s vision. Blinking them away, she took his hand in hers and unfurled his fingers. ‘Cahal, darling, look at me.’ She held his hand, her fingers interlocked with his, and when he did at last look at her, she said, ‘You are only your father’s son in the biological sense. You can’t change the fact that he fathered you, but you can rise above it. Haven’t you already? You have a pure soul, you are a good person and no one who’s met you can possibly think otherwise.’

‘Your family do.’

‘No, they don’t, Cahal. They just can’t bear the thought of being connected in any way to your father.’

‘I won’t blame you if you feel the same.’

‘Nothing could make me feel differently about you, Cahal. You are the love of my life. You always will be.’

‘And you are mine, my darling Sarah. You are the only thing I need in this world to be happy.’

She felt like she was floating. Her worries momentarily evaporated and all that mattered was this moment with his hand in hers and his dark eyes drawing her closer, filling her up with desire. His face leaned towards hers and he kissed her on the lips, soft and tenderly. She closed her eyes and the old fire ignited, just as it had always done.

When they pulled apart, he smiled. ‘That’s what I love about you, Sarah. I know you always tell me the truth.’

Her mouth went dry. If she let that pass unremarked, her chance may never come again. She closed her eyes fleetingly and prayed for strength.

‘What is it, Sarah?’

Tonight had been all about the truth and she still had one secret to tell. But would Cahal forgive her as easily as Becky had done? She cleared her throat, opened her eyes and untangled her hand from his grasp.

‘There’s something I have to tell you.’

A guarded look crossed his face and he waited.

She swallowed. ‘Something happened a long time ago that I should’ve told you about.’

‘Not more secrets?’ he joked, but when she did not smile but only stared grimly at him, the humour faded from his face.

‘When you went to Australia …’ Her voice caught in her throat. ‘I … I … don’t know how to tell you this.’

She stared at the swirling pattern on the carpet. In the silence of the night, the house creaked. She must shake free of this secret or it would, like a weed, eventually strangle the trust between them.

‘I did something that I’m deeply ashamed of. But you have to understand that I did it because I was angry and I thought you no longer cared for me, and I wanted so desperately to hurt you.’ She looked up. His brow was furrowed in concentration. ‘You see, I’d waited all summer for you to write and when I went back to uni in the autumn …’ Her voice trailed away.

He stared at her. The Adam’s apple in his throat moved.

‘I … I slept with Tony McLoughlin.’

There was a long, awful moment of silence. A sequence of emotions rippled across Cahal’s face – disbelief, hurt and finally, anger. He jumped off the sofa, his eyes bulging. ‘Jesus, Sarah. Tony McLoughlin. That bastard?’

‘Don’t blame him, Cahal. You were long gone and I suppose I more-or-less threw myself at him.’

‘But why?’

‘I told you why. I was angry. I hated you, or rather I thought I hated you.’ She paused and pleaded, ‘But aren’t love and hate flip sides of the same coin, Cahal?’

‘You hated me so much, you loved another man,’ he said in a scathing voice, his bitter gaze unbearable.

Blood pounded through her veins, filling her ears with noise and her head with a sharp, intense pain. She wiped her damp palms on the thighs of her jeans. ‘It wasn’t love, Cahal. There was no emotion involved. It could’ve been anyone. I was so drunk I barely remember it.’ She blushed with humiliation. ‘I avoided him after that. And when he went off to Queen’s at the end of that year, I hoped never to see him again.’

He flopped down on the sofa, folded his arms and stared straight ahead.

‘You’ve every right to be angry with me, Cahal. It was a very stupid thing to do but it was a long time ago. And I’m very sorry.’

He turned his head slowly and stared at her for a long time and then he said, ‘You were drunk?’

‘Very.’

‘And you believed that I had dumped you.’

‘Yes.’ He paused, his eyebrows almost meeting in the middle, and she said, ‘Tony didn’t do anything wrong. As far as he was concerned I was no longer your girlfriend.’

All of a sudden the anger seemed to go out of him.

‘It hurts, Sarah. To know that you were in bed with him when I was thousands of miles away with a broken heart.’ He shook his head.

‘I’m so sorry. I wish I could turn the clock back.’

He sighed heavily. ‘Don’t we all?’ He stared into her eyes, his pupils huge and black. ‘To me you’ve not changed at all. You are still the girl I fell in love with.’