All That Matters (45 page)

“Meg, I have to tell you something.” Train braced himself for her reaction; surely she would be disappointed and angry. “It's about Leo.”

“Leo?” Meg stopped moving, maybe even breathing.

“He's been sending me messages on the game network since they took him. I haven't played, and I didn't think to check it. I should have thought to check. I never think. I just do, and I fuck everything up.”

“Hey. Hey.” She cupped his face with her hands. Train focused on her, looked for the anger that he deserved, but there was none. “I'd have never thought to check messages on a game network either. How were you supposed to know?”

“I should have known. I promised him we'd come for him. It kills me that I'm not keeping my promises to him and that I couldn't keep them to you either.” Train looked away from her as an unfamiliar feeling rolled through him. His chest was so tight, it might have been a heart attack.

“Don't do that,” Meg said softly. Train felt her hand on his chin, the way he so often gripped hers. She guided his eyes back to her. “I love you. I love you so much. I know that you'd like for things to have worked out differently as far as Carlos and the boys, but it's water under the bridge now, Train. We can't get back to it, we've got to keep on going. Keep swimming, as they say.”

“We're going to get him back.” Train was even more determined than before. “He's coming home one way or the other.”

“No, he's not.” Meg spoke so softly he wasn't sure that he heard her right. “The lawyer dropped our case. She essentially said that it was hopeless, especially after the murder in our back yard. I didn't want to say anything before everything got taken care of, I'm sorry.”

“I'm not mad. Fuck that bitch. We'll find another lawyer, a better lawyer.” Train knew that there was going to be more money coming in, and then there was always side work. It didn't matter what he had to do, he'd earn enough. Meg shook her head. “Don't piss me off.”

“I don't want to piss you off. This isn't easy for me, not in the least, but we've got to face the facts. We live an outlaw life, that's never going to compete with what Roxie has. I don't want to give Leo false hope. I want to explain it to him.” She exhaled shakily. “Let me get you that tea. Seriously, you're just a big ice cube.”

“Some Jack would work better.”

“Liquor is not a good idea right now.” She leaned in, kissed him on the lips.

Train watched her go. She'd gone to bed in just a long tee shirt and a pair of his socks. It shouldn't have been a sexy outfit, but it was. She'd lost a little weight; he could see the difference. He needed to make sure that she ate better, that she took better care of herself. He heard her start the electronic kettle in the kitchen and the sound of her getting out pots and pans.

He wrapped the blanket tighter around himself and gave her the time to herself. He took it breathe so that he wouldn't lose his cool at Meg. He understood all the reasons she was listing for letting the fight for the boys go. She was probably right, but he felt like it was a failure on their part, on his part, because the outlaw life that she lived now was his life.

Train barely noticed when she came back with the tea.

Chapter Twenty-Four

The funeral home was packed to the rafters for the wake. Amelia had made all the arrangements herself, simply telling everyone else after it was done. No one had said anything, but to Meg it was obvious that Nightshade had expected to be consulted. If it was obvious to her, it had to be obvious to Amelia as well, but the woman just didn't seem to have any fucks left to give.

There was music playing in the background; it wasn't the soft elevator style music you normally heard at a wake, instead it was rock. Meg figured that it had been Danny's favorite music. She liked that and liked that the music was keeping the mood from being too somber.

Amelia was in the front room with the urn containing Danny's remains a few feet away. Every person who came through the door went over to her to pay their respects. She greeted them all kindly, was hugged countless times. Meg would have lost her mind in the first few moments, she was sure of it, but Amelia kept her cool. It was like she was royalty or a celebrity or something. Whatever it was, it was almost funny.

Meg sternly ordered herself not to laugh. She moved through the crowd out of the main room, out the front door and around the side, where they were able to smoke. Train was right; she had been smoking too much and altogether just not taking care of herself. The smoking would have to stop, tomorrow. Today, she needed the rush of nicotine to calm her nerves.

It was a gloomy sort of day. Clouds threatened rain or snow, but so far nothing had fallen; the wind was brisk enough that Meg considered just going back inside. Faced with the choice of dealing with people or dealing with the cold, she chose the cold.

“Iris, I don't know how many fucking times I have to say it. We're done. We've been done.” Caesar's voice carried ahead of him as he rounded the corner. He stopped saying anything when he saw Meg and just hung the phone up. “Your kind doesn't know how to take a hint,” he told her.

Meg raised an eyebrow at him. “I take it that Iris isn't in the rotation anymore.”

“No. She's not. And it's not a rotation. There's nothing wrong with keeping my opens open, way open.” He took out a pack of cigarettes. “Got a light?”

Meg handed over her lighter. She didn't know Caesar, or any of the others, really well. As far as she could remember, this was the first time that she'd ever been alone with the man. They smoked in comfortable silence for a few moments.

“You doing okay with all of this?” Caesar motioned back towards the building. “You're looking a little pale.”

“I don't think any of us look our best right now.”

“You saying I look like shit?” He asked.

“A little,” Meg admitted. “But like I said, we all do.”

“Yeah, I guess I haven't been sleeping much. I've been keeping an eye on Amelia, from a distance, of course. Shit, I probably wasn't supposed to say that.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” Meg replied. “I've got to say, though, if you don't take a break, sleep and perform other necessary human functions, you're not going to be any good to keep an eye on her.”

“Point taken.” Caesar smiled at her. “You're sweet, aren't you Meg?”

“You'd better be talking about her disposition, dipshit.” Train spoke from behind Caesar. Meg hadn't even heard him approach.

“If that helps you sleep better at night, sure, that's what I meant.” Caesar grinned. For a moment worry flooded through Meg, but then Train laughed.

“They're getting ready to do the speeches in there. We should go back in.” Train plucked the cigarette out of Meg's hand, took a long drag. “After they're over, we'll head back to the clubhouse. Caroline's got food coming.”

“Actually, if it's that late, I should go. I promised Caroline that I'd set things up.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Someone has to,” she answered. “And since I wasn't as close to Danny as everyone else, I volunteered, so they could have a little more time.”

“He liked you. Said that I was a lucky bastard to have you.”

“He was pretty smart, I liked that about him.” Meg replied. “And I don't mind going. Really, I don't.”

“You're uncomfortable here,” Train observed. Meg noticed Caesar walking away to give them space.

“I hate these fucking things. I mean no one likes them, but I fucking hate them. I feel like I'm going to crawl right out of my skin.”

“Keep your skin on. Come on, let me walk you to the truck.” He put his arm around her shoulder. “I was thinking that when all this is over, we can maybe go away for a few days or maybe just hide from the world for a while. Maybe work on that thing we were talking about.”

“Cleaning out the attic?” Meg knew what he meant, but she couldn't help but tease him a little. He was so excited about the idea of beginning a family. He'd flushed her pills down the toilet the day after they'd agreed to try.

“That better be some new slang for knocking you up.” He squeezed down on her shoulder. “But yeah, the attic does need to be cleaned, now that you mention it.”

“If we stay home, we can do both.” Meg took her keys out of her purse as they approached the truck. “If we go, though, we've got to bring the game with us, just in case Leo tries to reach out again.” Since the last message that he'd sent Train, he hadn't logged on. Meg wondered if he'd simply decided that he'd been abandoned and had given up.

“He will. We'll stay home. It'll be nice. I'll make it nice.” He took the keys out of her hand, opened the door. “Text me when you get there.”

“It's like six blocks. I could walk there without breaking a sweat.”

“I don't care if it's one block; text me when you get there.”

“I will,” Meg promised. “You don't have to worry.”

“I will anyway.”

Meg knew that was true. He'd always worried about her, it was more intense now, but she'd given him great reason to worry the night that Roxie had got the boys back. She still wasn't sure if she'd realized what she was doing when she'd washed those pills down with liquor. It was all a blur. When she thought back to it, she could remember the intense pain like it had only happened yesterday. The one thing that she knew for sure was she would be dead if not for Train coming and finding her.

“I'll see you in a few.” He closed the door after she got in. Meg started the truck and pulled away. It took her less than five minutes to reach the clubhouse. She sent the text as she walked into the building.

The first thing she saw was Claire, and the woman had been busy. There were several other women helping out as well. They were dressed more for a street corner than a memorial, in Meg's opinion, but she held her tongue. She went straight for the kitchen. “The caterer didn't come yet?” she called out.

“No!” Claire rushed into the kitchen. “And I've called them twice, it goes straight to voice mail.”

“Fuck me,” Meg sighed. “Alright, try to call again.” Claire took her phone out of her bra, dialed and shook her head a moment later. “This is not good. Okay, I'm going to call Gino's. See how fast they can start getting food here.”

“Pizza at a memorial?” Claire frowned.

“Do you have a better idea?”

“No.”

“While I call Gino's, I want you to go to the Chinese place. Get some of everything. You know what they like.” Meg took her phone out and dialed Gino's. After a quick conversation with Gino himself, she was assured that all sorts of food would be on the way to them.

Meg found the caterer's number hanging on the corkboard in the kitchen. She dialed it and got the voice mail. If she'd been able to leave a message, it would have been heavily laced with profanity and threats of violence. She knew for a fact that Caroline had paid them in advance. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck me.” Meg felt herself starting to sweat.

If this whole thing went down in flames, it was going to be on her. She was the one tasked with getting everything ready. People would be arriving soon. Amelia was going to walk in and find food better suited to a kegger than a memorial. Meg vowed to personally throttle the caterer if she ever saw the husband and wife duo again.

“Excuse me, Meg?” Charity, one of the pass-arounds, came into the kitchen. “I just went to grab plates and there are none. We're really low on napkins and utensils as well.”

“Go to the dollar store, stock up on everything.” Meg opened her purse and pullet out her wallet. She had fifty three dollars in cash, so she handed it over to the woman. “Please, do it quickly.”

“Got it.” Charity tucked the bills into her bra.

Meg thought that she might just have a panic attack when she had a moment to do so. She made another attempt to contact the caterer, with no luck, before she sent a text to Train asking if they were still at the funeral home.