After Midnight (17 page)

“But we can’t be,” she said sadly. “We’d both have to change to do that.”

“Change?”

“Yes, you can’t give up your persona and I can’t give up mine.” She sighed. “I realized that when I saw you yesterday in that hot tub.”

“
That
again? I thought we had settled it.”

“We did. I understand that you aren’t really interested in those other women, but that’s your persona. Nevertheless, I can’t be in a relationship with someone like that,” she told him.

“Careful, you’re starting to sound like I’m a distraction again,” he said. He had that sinking feeling in his gut that no matter what he said, Lindsey was slipping further and further away from him.

“You are one. You have been great for motivating me to get back on my skis, and I’m not going to pretend I’d be as close to contemplating the Super G again without you, but at the same time we just don’t fit together.”

“We fit together just fine when you stop worrying and just let us enjoy our time together.” He reached down and brushed his thumb over her lips, then clasped her chin in his palm. “What was it that spooked you this morning?”

She jerked away, as if his touch had singed her. “I’m not going to fight about this. I don’t want to say anything else that is mean to you.”

“Why not? Clearly you are okay with thinking them. So let’s be clear here,” he said, narrowing his eyes at her. “You are pushing me away for nothing other than your ego. Because you don’t want to be the woman who is confident enough in herself and in her man to be with me. Be with that public image of me.”

She nodded. “You’re right. I’m not. Ego isn’t my thing the way it is yours. I have tried to do this every way possible, but I keep coming back to the fact that you and I make no sense.”

Except in his heart. “Lindsey, please. I can give up my sponsorship if it will make you stay with me.”

She smiled at him, and his heart really almost broke. “No. That’s not what I want. My fears stem from my own insecurities. I thought that maybe I could change that, but I can see now I haven’t.”

“You are that way because you’ve never let yourself care about another man before. Are you going to deny it?”

“No, because it would be a lie,” she said stubbornly.

He thought it stemmed from his lack of a mother and how his father had never settled down. When Carter thought of forever— He didn’t think of forever. The future was always changing, and as much as he thought at this moment that he needed Lindsey by his side, he was afraid he might be wrong.

17

W
ATCHING
C
ARTER
WALK
away was the hardest thing she’d done in a long time. She was tempted to go after him and bring him back to her. In the end she knew she needed more from him than he could give.

But Carter had given her back something she’d lost. That confidence she’d used to be able to rely on. She grabbed her skis and went to the top of the Wasatch Range. The most difficult run serviced by the resort and the one she’d be skiing in two weeks’ time for the charity event.

When she got to the top, she felt all of the crazy emotions that Carter inspired in her drop away. She stood at the top of the biggest run she’d dared to take since crashing out in Russia last year. Carter had made her realize a lot of things about herself, not the least of which was that she was no longer the woman she used to be.

But pieces of her still remained. She buckled her skis, pulled down her goggles and felt the breeze stir around her. The mountain was cold and very wintry today. Not the best day for a run, but she’d come up here, and nothing was going to stop her from taking it.

“Lindsey?”

She turned and saw that Carter was there. He’d followed her up the mountain. His hair was windblown, his shoulders broad as ever, and she had to turn away to keep from staring at him.

“What are you doing here? I thought we’d said all that we needed to.” She was secretly thrilled to see him.

“We have, but I promised you I’d see you back on the slopes, and last night we said we’d take this run together. Despite what you think about me, I’m a man of my word.”

She knew that. Maybe that was why she’d been pushing so hard for some sort of emotional commitment from him. She wanted some security in her life, and she had fallen in love with the one guy who was known for just drifting along.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. It’s a crap day, but I checked the mountain reports and there’s nothing too dangerous. Are you ready for it?”

She wrinkled her nose. She wanted to say yes. Hell, she was going to say yes. “Of course. This is what I do.”

“I’m glad,” he said.

“This is part of who I am,” she added, tilting her head up to meet his gaze. And she wanted to prove it to him. Downhill skiing was in her blood, part of her DNA at this point in her life. She’d spent more time on skis than off them.

“I thought you weren’t sure anymore,” he said wryly.

“I’m going to prove that I’m not only still a skier, but that I can beat you down the mountain.”

He put his snowboard down and buckled his boots. “I’d love to see you try. Hardly seems like a fair competition, though.”

She knew what he was doing, but she didn’t care. Driven by the need to prove him wrong, she put her poles in the ground and stumbled as a rush of fear swept through her body. It clouded her vision, and then all of a sudden images of her last tumble began playing through her mind. The crash that had left her broken and so flawed.

Not physically, she realized. No, she was hurting from the flaws the crash had revealed were inside her. The emptiness that was buried deep inside that she hadn’t even been aware of until Carter had started to fill it up.

She looked at him. He had his goggles on as well, but he was watching her with that keen gaze of his, and she wanted so desperately to believe that he was scared for her because he loved her. But she didn’t think for a second that was true. If she couldn’t find the courage to say those words to him, how was the man who had more women running after him than anyone else going to say them?

“You okay?” he asked.

“No,” she said. “I’m just realizing how not okay I am.”

“I’ll call the mountain patrol and we’ll get down off the mountain,” he said. “No shame in that.”

She shook her head. “I have to do this, Carter. If I can’t ski with you now, how am I going to be able to do it at the event?” Why had she even signed up for that stupid event? She should have run the other way instead of working with the team and acting as if she was okay. She wasn’t.

“I’ll just say that I’m not going to do it,” he said. “You can say it wouldn’t be fair for you to ski if I don’t.”

She looked at him, and all at once it hit her how much she loved him and how the words she wanted to hear might not mean anything when she was presented with the truth of his feelings. He did care for her. And the fact that he’d be the one to take the blame, make it seem like it wasn’t her and her fear that was responsible, made her want to stop running.

And face life and her fears.

Fear number one: skiing. She had to do this, or she’d never be able to find happiness anywhere else in her life.

“Carter Shaw, you’re a great guy. I’ll have words with anyone who says different,” she said. “But I have to do this. I have to stop hiding and running away from what I am.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded and turned back to look down the mountain. The breeze blew once again around her, and this time it swept away those doubts that had been lingering. She had her eyes wide-open, and the trail in front of her was one she’d taken many times before her crash. And had studied just as many times after it. She could do this.

Not only because she had to get back to doing what she loved, but because without taking this run, she had absolutely no shot at future happiness.

* * *

C
ARTER
WATCHED
L
INDSEY
take off down the mountain and let out the breath he’d been holding. In his life he’d never been afraid of a mountain. It just wasn’t in his nature to see it as something to fear, but rather as something to conquer. But as he’d seen Lindsey on the precipice of taking her run, his heart had somehow climbed into his throat.

Talons of fear wrapped around him, and though he knew she had the skills to safely make it down the mountain, he couldn’t shake that fear. And it was at that moment that he realized he loved her.

He’d been “chasing” her from a distance, trying to protect his pride and safeguard his heart. Not because of any of the reasons he’d given himself before but because with Lindsey he knew his feelings were genuine. He had been giving her distance, hoping to keep himself safe, and now he was coming to realize how foolish that had been.

He should have held her closer to him while he’d had the chance. He should have held his tongue instead of pointing out her flaws to cover up his own. He should have told her he loved her instead of letting her believe that he didn’t.

He jumped and swiveled and started his own run down the mountain. He knew as he did it that he needed to figure out how to get Lindsey back into his arms. Back into his life, where he’d really missed her. Because without her, he saw a future of more faceless women who were nice for a night but not forever.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that for him there was only Lindsey. And it had always been that way. She was the only woman that he’d ever really wanted, but he hadn’t been ready for her until Sochi. And when she’d crashed, when she’d taken that devastating fall, everything had changed. He’d had no idea how to get back into her life until now.

She was ahead of him on the run, and as he watched her crouch low to increase her speed, he admitted to himself that her form was better than ever. She was good. Maybe better than she had been before because there was a new core of strength inside her from having lost it all and come back.

He wondered if while he’d been falling in love with her he had been giving her the very key to what she’d needed to move away from him. To go back to her old life where she wasn’t surrounded by scantily clad energy drink girls or a man who couldn’t control his temper.

It frightened him, but he pushed it aside as he hit a rough patch and barely caught his balance. He’d almost crashed out as she had last year. That shook him to the core. Was this how Lindsey had felt?

At the bottom of the run, he found Lindsey with her goggles pushed up on her head and a sheen of tears in her eyes as she looked up at the Wasatch Range. He got it. She’d reclaimed a part of herself that she’d thought was lost forever.

He hoped he’d made up for the teasing he’d done in Russia. She’d said he had nothing to do with her fall, but he’d never been able to shake his guilt. Not until this moment.

She was back. She’d ski again, and unless he’d completely lost his gut instinct when it came to other athletes, he was pretty sure she’d eventually be back to her old form. It was what she was meant to do. Not teach ski lessons to little kids at a luxury resort.

“Nice run,” he said.

“Noticed you couldn’t keep up.”

“I gave you your space so that this victory could be all yours,” he said.

She gave him a smile that cut through all the layers he’d been using to protect himself from her charms. It simply confirmed what he’d already figured out for himself. That he loved her.

“Still can’t admit that I’m better on the snow,” she teased.

“I can. I just don’t like to,” he retorted. “There’s a big difference.”

“I know.” She hitched in a breath. “I’m sorry again for what I said earlier. I know that without you, I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to do this.”

“It’s fine—I get it. We’re oil and water, aren’t we? We’ve never really been able to mix.”

“I guess we are. So one more big battle and then you can go back to your life,” she said.

“That’s right. Back to California and training,” he said. “Unless you want to try again?”

“Try again?” she asked, but he heard in her voice that she wasn’t going to accept it. Perhaps it was his words spoken in anger but resonating still in her mind. And he understood that, because he knew he couldn’t shake what
she
’d said.

He was a distraction. Distractions weren’t welcome. God, how many times was he going to have to learn that?

“As a couple,” he said, offering her an olive branch.

She shook her head. “I care about you, Carter, but it hurts too much to try to find a place for myself in your life.”

“I could make room.” For her he’d do it. Change whatever he had to.

“You’d resent me,” she said. “I’d probably resent myself, too. I can’t ask you to do that. Today as I was coming down the mountain I realized that I couldn’t separate my skiing from my life, and I know it’s the same for you and snowboarding.”

Gazing down at her, he exhaled slowly and then trailed a finger down her cheek. “I guess I’m still just a distraction after all,” he said. He knew he should tell her that he loved her. More than anything, he wanted to, but the words were stuck in the back of his throat. Fear was riding him hard, and he suddenly realized that he’d never felt afraid before because he’d never really had anyone that he didn’t want to lose.

“You were never just that,” she replied, stepping back. Then she took her skis and walked away.

He let her go, knowing that there was still unfinished business between them.

* * *

L
INDSEY
’
S
TEAM
WAS
in the best shape they’d been in since they’d started training. Lane Scott, the disabled American vet who was skiing on their team, was funny and inspiring. He was in his late twenties, maybe early thirties, and from his attitude it was hard to guess he’d lost both his lower legs to an IED in Afghanistan.

“I’m not sure that Tim should go before me. He’s always flirting with the ladies and then they might miss my run,” Lane said.

Tim, the fifty-five-year-old balding executive from one of the Park City resorts, just smiled over at them. “He’s jealous.”

“We all are,” Bradley said. “But I agree with Lane. You should take the run after his and then we’ll wrap it up with Lindsey. Carter’s team been talking smack about beating our team, especially my wife, so I want to see them lose.”

Lindsey hadn’t realized how competitive Elizabeth was until the competition had gotten closer. At their daily breakfasts she’d listened to all sorts of good-natured ribbing from her friend. And to be honest, Lindsey had just been glad that Elizabeth hadn’t brought up the argument with Carter. She’d asked one time if Lindsey wanted to talk and then let the subject drop when she had declined.

“Okay. Bradley, do you want to liaise with the other team and make sure we have all of our pairings in order?” Lindsey asked. “I’ll be at the bottom when you come off your run and will radio up any changes in the slope to you guys at the top. That way you’ll have up-to-date information before you take your run.”

Everyone nodded. “Let’s take our practice runs and do it like we will tomorrow. Since our regular guy isn’t here today to man the radio at the top we will all take turns.”

“I can’t wait,” Tim said. “My kids are going to be here tomorrow. My son got everyone in his school to donate.”

“I’m really excited about the way the entire community has gotten behind us. I saw the poster in FreshSno, Bradley, that your graphic artists designed.”

“Thanks. Those kids are awesome. Hard to believe they were wasting their talents painting graffiti on buildings.”

Lindsey had heard about the kids Bradley had taken under his wing and turned from a life of punishable offenses into lucrative artistic careers. Speaking of changes... She’d given her notice at the resort, and at the end of the ski season, she’d be going back to training full-time. Her coach had wanted her to start right away, but she’d wanted to honor her commitment to the resort first. They’d given her a safe place to recover and now she wanted to pay them back with a win.

Plus, concentrating on winning had given her something to pour all of her emotions into over the past weeks. Never having been in love before, she’d had no idea how much it could hurt to care so deeply for Carter and know he was forever out of her reach. She missed him. He’d kept his distance since she’d walked away from him.

She didn’t blame him for that. Because, in all honesty, she’d done the same thing. And it was easier to not see him than to catch small glimpses and be reminded that he wasn’t hers anymore. Not that he ever really had been.