Absolute Beginners (Absolute #1) (23 page)

But I didn’t want that life anymore. I didn’t want predictable and safe. I would be settling with Lily, no matter how appropriate she might be for me, and that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I wanted passion and laughter and love. I wanted Julia.

I have to get her back
.

I briefly wondered if there was a risk that she might go back on her word and report me to the university, but I dismissed the thought the second it came to me. No matter how angry Julia was, I could never imagine her doing anything that vengeful. It was clear, however, that she didn’t want to talk to me. All my calls went unanswered and the many text messages I sent begging for a chance to see her were ignored. I hardly ate, slept poorly, and was generally miserable. A harsh contrast to how wonderful I’d felt recently.

Monday morning, I was sitting in my office chewing my fingernails off, almost contemplating taking up smoking just to have something to do with my hands. It was either that or knitting at this point, and I had a strong suspicion that needlework would spark incorrect assumptions about a thirty-three-year-old bachelor who also loved poetry and wine.

“Stephen?” Brian walked in, pulling me out of my thoughts. I motioned for him to sit down, resisting the urge to shove my fingers back into my mouth.

“So, how’ve you been?” he asked, frowning.

I gave him a look.

“OK, stupid question. You look like hell.”

“I guess.” I hadn’t bothered with grooming and it obviously showed.

“No word from her?” Brian asked quietly.

“None. But I’m going over to her place tonight regardless.” The thought of showing up uninvited made me queasy, but I’d run out of options.

“Well, I read it,” Brian said, reaching into his briefcase. “You were right. It’s a great paper.”

“Yeah?”

Brian handed it to me. “I’d say it’s a great start to a thesis, if she plans on going in that direction. I gave it an A and added a few comments, so she knows it’s coming from me and not you.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it,” I said, slipping the paper into an envelope for safekeeping.

“Don’t mention it. Are you…heading home now?”

“I really look that bad?”

Brian grimaced. “Maybe you should get some sleep, if you’re heading over there tonight, I mean.”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “That’s good advice. I guess I’ll be pretty useless around here anyway.”

“I have to get to class,” Brian said, standing up. “Will you let me know what happens?”

“Of course.” The growing dread in the pit of my stomach turned my voice into a croak.

What if she won’t forgive me?

My friend hesitated at the door.“Stephen, you just made a mistake. It happens. Trust me, you’ll make plenty more. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

I nodded again, giving him a weak smile as he left.

When I got home, I tried calling Julia again, but she still wasn’t picking up. After pacing for a few hours, watching the minutes creep by, I drove to her apartment, hoping against hope that she’d let me in and talk to me. I missed her and was worried about her. My heart plummeted when there was no answer at her door.

That night, I slept fitfully, knowing I’d be seeing Julia in class the following day. I had decided to talk to her discreetly after class. I was scared that she might yell at me again, but I was even more petrified that she would ignore me and not speak to me at all. I genuinely didn’t know which would be worse: her wrath or her dismissal.

But I didn’t find out. Class started and ended, and Julia never showed up. I knew that she had stayed away because of me, and the thought that I might never see her again made my insides hurt.

When I got home, I tried calling her again, and spent the next couple of hours pacing back and forth with my phone clutched in my hand. Finally, I knew that I had to take action. Julia refused to answer my calls and come to class, so I would have to find a different way of contacting her. Turning to my computer, I used the university directory to find the address of her two friends, who it turned out shared an apartment. I drove over, intent on giving them a message for Julia, since she wouldn’t talk to me herself.

Standing outside their place, I braced myself and knocked on the door. Seconds later, Megan opened the door. For a moment, she looked blankly at me, but then her eyes flared in recognition.

Uh-oh
.

“You!” she exclaimed. “What the hell do
you
want?”

“H-hello, Ms. Wilson,” I said. “I, um, I can’t get hold of Julia.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” she sneered. “Why do you think that is?”

I assume that’s a rhetorical question
.

“I know I messed up,” I said weakly.

“Yes. You did.”

“Can you maybe give her a message for me?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, crossing her arms. “Now get the hell out of here!”

“Please,” I said. “I really need to talk to Julia.”

“Why do you keep calling her that?” Megan asked in an irritated tone. “Jules hates it when people use her full name.”

“Not when I do,” I said defensively.

“Whatever. Just go.” She started to close the door but suddenly stopped. “Oh, and tell that idiot brother of yours to stop emailing me shirtless photos of himself!”

Oh, God, Matt. Have you no shame?

She was lucky that he hadn’t sent her pantless pictures, as well. I was sure he wouldn’t be opposed to that level of depravity. Megan slammed the door in my face but I heard her talking to someone on the other side. I was about to leave when the door opened again. This time it was Sophia.

“Hey,” she said in a slightly friendlier tone than Megan’s.

“Hello,” I said, shuffling my feet.

“Jules isn’t here,” she said, looking me over with a frown. “She’ll be back later. She’s been staying here the last few days.”

“Oh,” I said lamely. I was glad to hear that she hadn’t been alone. “She won’t return my calls.”

“She’s angry with you. Why did you do that to her?”

“I was drunk. I…I made a mistake.”

“I’ll say,” Sophia huffed. “She worked so hard on that paper. We barely saw her while she was writing it. I think she wanted to impress you.”

Fuck. No wonder she hates me now
.

I groaned, running my hands through my hair. “She was so furious with me,” I lamented.

“Yeah, she was really upset when she came by afterward,” Sophia said. “You hurt her feelings.”

“I know,” I mumbled, feeling as though my chest cavity was too small for my lungs.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry before,” Sophia said so quietly that I almost didn’t hear her.

I made her cry? Oh, no!

I couldn’t imagine Julia crying. She always seemed so composed and in control of herself. Except when she was screaming at me and calling me an asshole, of course.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, even though I knew that Sophia wasn’t the person I needed to apologize to.

“You really care about her, don’t you?”

I nodded. I couldn’t reveal too much. If Julia ever found out just how much I cared, it would ruin any prospects of getting a second chance to win her over.

“I want to apologize and explain, but she won’t see me, and it doesn’t seem like the sort of thing I should be doing on her voicemail,” I said sadly.

Sophia nodded, looking pensive. “Listen, we’re going to a club on Friday night,” she said. “Maybe you should make an appearance.”

“Julia would never believe that I just happened to show up,” I said immediately.

“Maybe you could bring your brother?” Sophia suggested after a few seconds. “Jules said that he owns that sports bar we went to, and that he goes out a lot.”

That’s certainly true
.

“Why are you helping me?” I blurted out.

Sophia gave me a stern look. “I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for Jules.”

“Oh,” I said, not knowing how to respond.

“Look, Stephen. Can I call you Stephen?”

I nodded.

“Jules has been having a hard time lately—a really hard time—but she always smiled a little more when you were around. I’d like to see her smile again.”

A hard time with what?

“So, just come by the club on Friday and maybe she’ll talk to you,” Sophia continued.

“But won’t I see her in class on Friday afternoon?”

Sophia shook her head. “I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

“Oh,” I said, yet again. “I guess I’ll go to the club, then. What’s it called?”

“Booty,” Sophia said with a smirk.

“OK,” I said, feeling a little perplexed at her reaction.

It must be an old pirate-themed tavern
.

I reached into my bag and pulled out a large envelope. “Sophia? I was going to drop this off in Julia’s mailbox, but maybe you could give it to her?” I handed it to her, and she only hesitated for a second before she took it. “It’s her paper. A colleague of mine graded it, seeing how I’m…well, you know. I thought she might like to have it.”

I turned to leave and Sophia called my name again. Now she was smiling at me.

“Dress nicely on Friday, OK?” she winked, reminding me of Julia.

I nodded and gave her a wave good-bye.

Dress nicely?

I needed help with that, and not the kind my mother would give. And Brian knew as little about clothes as I did. That really only left one person. Oh, God.

I had to enlist Matt’s help.

When it came to women, I didn’t know anyone with more experience than my brother. Getting him involved would probably result in relentless teasing and probing questions, but I needed his assistance now and I was willing to endure his ridicule if it meant getting a chance to win Julia back. Desperate times did indeed call for desperate measures.

The next afternoon I sent him a text and asked if I could come by the bar later and he answered almost immediately that he was already there having a drink. I rolled my eyes and glanced at my watch. It wasn’t even close to happy hour, but since I was miserable, I decided that it didn’t matter.

“Holy shit, bro. What happened to you?” Matt asked when I walked into the bar half an hour later.

“Is it that obvious?” I asked wearily as I flopped down across from him.

“Uh, yeah. You look like hell.”

I knew he was right. My clothes were wrinkled and I hadn’t shaved since Saturday morning. I didn’t think I had ever looked this unkempt in my life. Scrubbing my face with my hands, I discovered that I wasn’t even wearing my glasses. I hadn’t even noticed since I hadn’t actually done any work to speak of that day.

“Do you…want a drink?” he asked.

I nodded and he went to the bar, throwing another worried glance at me. I tried to decide how to ask him for his help. I couldn’t just come out and tell him about the depth of my feelings for Julia. It was much better if he believed that it was just a casual sex thing that I had managed to ruin, since that was within his area of expertise. Matt came back and handed me a glass full of some amber-colored liquid. I took a sip and coughed.

“That’s awful,” I choked out.

Matt chuckled a little across from me. “It’s bourbon. I thought you could use something a little stronger than beer.”

I pushed the glass away and sighed.

“So…are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he asked.

I raised my head to look at him.

My life would be so much easier if I was like Matt. Carefree and happy all the time
.

“I’m in love,” I blurted out.

Oh no. There goes the plan
.

Matt’s eyes widened before he broke into a huge grin. “Well, congratulations, man!” he boomed.

He’s happy about this?

“I guess you and the teacher really hit it off, then?”

Oh. Of course he would think that
.

“No, it’s, um…it’s not Lily,” I said quietly, averting my eyes.

“Not Lily?” I heard him ask. There was a long pause as I waited for him to put the pieces together. “No fucking way!” he exclaimed.

My secret was out.

I looked up and he leaned forward. “Your student?” he whispered conspiratorially. “The hot, annoying one?”

I nodded and took another sip of the awful drink.

“You’re in love with…what’s her name? Ms. Wilde?”

“Julia,” I whispered.

“Julia,” he mused. “Well, what’s the problem?”

I gave him an incredulous look.

“Well, apart from her being your student, of course,” he added with a grin.

I shook my head and looked down again. I was nowhere near done with the revelations.

“Look, Stephen,” I heard him say. “This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. She’s only your student for a few more weeks and then you can just ask her out, right?”

“No, she won’t go out with me,” I said, forcing myself to meet his gaze.

“Why not? I’d say she’s into you based on everything you’ve told me and what I’ve seen myself.”

“Matt, I…I…”

Just tell him already!

“I…I slept with her,” I finally whispered.

“No way! Really? When?”

“Um, the past few weeks,” I admitted.

“I knew it!” he exclaimed. “I fucking knew it!”

“You did?”

“Well, no, I didn’t
know
, but I knew something was going on with you. You’ve been acting different lately.”

I couldn’t deny that. Being with Julia had changed me.

“Bro!” he exclaimed with unmasked pride. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Yeah, neither did I,” I mumbled.

Matt’s eyes were burning with curiosity. “When did this happen?” he asked. “
How
did this happen?”

“I, uh, I drove her home from your bar and one thing led to another,” I said vaguely. I didn’t want to share any intimate details with him. Those I wanted to keep just between me and her.

“So are you two, like, a thing?”

I shook my head and sighed. “I blew it.”

“That’s what she said.”

I glared at him.

“Sorry,” he said, holding up his hands. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” I moaned. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I wasn’t supposed to like her at all. I don’t know how this happened!”