Above the Noise (26 page)

“I don’t want this.” I was sweating, and my body shook.

“Well, like I said, you have options.”

“No! Fuck! The option I want isn’t an option. I want the option of erasing this scenario from my life. I don’t want to do this. This situation. I don’t want to do this situation. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I never thought I could…”

I crumbled into Gracie’s body. She sat frozen next to me on the table until my full body weight was on her. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and rocked me.

“Shh, Becki. We got this. You’ll get through this. Calon will be such a great support system. You’ve got me, you’ve got Calon—”

“No! Gracie. You’ve got to promise me you won’t tell Calon. He can’t know. Promise me.” I grabbed onto her shoulders and begged her.

“Becki, what—”

“Gracie! No! He can’t know! This wasn’t supposed to happen. This will ruin everything for him. For us. Don’t tell him. He can’t know.”

Gracie just stared at me as I sobbed and choked. Tears ran down my neck and onto my chest. “Becki.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

“PROMISE ME! Gracie Ann!”

She said nothing.

Dr. Webber cleared his throat and walked to the door. “Becki, I’m going to prepare a packet of information for you before you go. I’ll include contact information for each scenario in that packet, so you are comfortable making your final decision. Becki, this has to be the right decision for you. You.”

I nodded and wiped the tears from my face. I lay back against the incline of the bed and stared up at the bright lights above me.

“Becki, you have to tell Calon.”

I closed my eyes and wished it all away. Instinctively my hands went to my flat belly. I looked down at my hands and shook my head.

“I can’t. I don’t want you to, either. You’re my best friend, and in this situation, you’re all I’ve got.”

“Why do you keep saying that? Calon would be an amazing –”

“Gracie, his mom’s boyfriend beat him to a pulp. Regularly. We’ve talked about it. He’s terrified of becoming a parent. Terrified he’ll carry that curse with him. Besides, he’s on tour. They’re making it, Gracie, really making it. I can’t. I can’t destroy his life like this. He can’t know.”

“So, you’re going to get an abortion?” Her voice barely squeaked out the final word of her question.

“No. I couldn’t. I can’t.”

“Then what?”

“I just have to let Calon go.” A sharp pang hit my chest. It was no rapid heartbeat. I knew what that felt like. This was a sensation I’d never experienced.

My heart was broken.

“DAMMIT! WHY WON’T
they answer their phones? Becki and Gracie’s keep going straight to voicemail.” I shoved my phone into my back pocket.

“When did she leave Mitchell’s?” Danny tripped a little on a lifted part of the sidewalk, probably because the girl drank like a fish. She grabbed my hand to help keep herself steady as we headed to Gracie’s apartment. We’d already decided that Danny would stay with Becki at Gracie’s, and the guys could bunk at my place, since they had sublet their apartment for the time we’d be gone on tour. As much as I wanted Becki next to me every moment, I knew she needed some Gracie-time.

“I have no idea. I didn’t see them leave, and no one told me they’d gone. I should have been watching her. I knew she wasn’t feeling well.” I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair.

“Well, maybe she went back to Gracie’s to get some rest.” She tripped again. This time she fell against me so hard I stumbled up against the wall of one of the little shops on College Avenue. My back was against the cold bricks, and her ample breasts pressed up against my chest. She flipped her hair to one side and gave me a daring grin. She turned her head to the left and yelled, “SELFIE!” Her one arm straight out in front of us, and the flash blinded me before I even realized what she was doing. She tried to kiss me for the picture, which seemed out of character, but luckily, she missed.

“Come on, Danny, I need to find the girls.” I helped her stand up straight, steadied her, and then shoved my hands in my pockets.

I could have sworn I heard voices coming from Gracie’s apartment up until I knocked. Then everything on the other side of the door was silent.

“Gracie! You in there? Gracie?” I knew I was a little louder than I should be considering the time of night, but I had already started to panic. I couldn’t figure out why neither of them had called or texted to let me know what was going on. I thought back to the story Gracie told me about how Noah had dragged her out of Mitchell’s against her will. I’d been on stage that night, too, and never saw a thing. My heart raced. I grabbed my phone and called Jake.

“Hello?” I could tell he was still at the bar by the noise in the background.

“Jake. It’s Calon.”

“Hey, how’s Becki?”

“I don’t know! Where is she?” My heart pounded in my chest. Just the fact that he asked me how she was and I had no idea had me a mess.

“Hang on.” Jake took the phone away from his face and yelled for Maverick to take his customers.

“Calon? You there?”

“Dammit, Jake! What the hell happened? Where the hell is Becki?” I wanted to reach through the phone and shake him.

“Shit! Cal, I’m so sorry I didn’t catch you before you left. Before I got to Mitchell’s Gracie took Becki outside for some fresh air, and she passed out. Gracie called Maverick to come help her and he carried Becki to the urgent care on the corner. Gracie asked me to tell you when your set was over, but we got slammed. I didn’t even realize you were gone.”

“The urgent care is closed. I just walked by there. I’m standing at Gracie’s door. No one’s answering the door.” I spun so my back was against the wall and tipped my head back. How the hell could this have happened? How could I not know where she was? Danny texted away on her phone. She was completely relaxed, which annoyed me.

“Calon, let me call you right back. Okay? I think I can help you.”

I started to ask how he could help me, but Jake hung up before he heard me.

“So, they’re not here? Where the hell am I going to sleep?” Danny rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Sleep? Fuck that, Danny! Becki is sick enough to go to urgent care, and then she vanishes, and you’re worried about getting to sleep?” I was livid. I knew she could see the volatility of my anger because she backed away from me and stood against the adjacent wall. “I’m sorry, Danny. I’ve just had too many people disappear on me, and I’m losing my mind with worry.”

My phone buzzed. Jake.

“Hey. Did you find them?”

“They’re at Gracie’s but didn’t hear you knock –”

“Okay, great! Thanks—”

“Calon, wait. I got the feeling that something’s wrong, so tread lightly if you’re pissed. Just wanted to give you a heads up.”

“Yeah, thanks for the warning, but fuck you for not finding me before I left,” I said it in jest. I knew Jake was just trying to help.

He chuckled. “Sorry, man. Good luck.”

“Thanks, Jake.”

I knocked again, this time a little louder as panic now had its fingers wrapped tightly around my throat. I looked over at Danny, who was visibly uncomfortable.

“Danny, I really am sorry about flipping out on you—”

“No worries, Calon, Becki’s real lucky to have you.” She smiled, and I could see the sincerity and something like longing in her expression.

I heard the lock click, and the knob started to turn. Gracie stood in the crack of the doorway in a long sleep shirt and mascara smudged under her eyes. She looked up at me and an entire conversation passed between us, even though no words were spoken. She stepped back and opened the door to let Danny and me in. I started toward her bedroom, where I knew Becki was, but Gracie grabbed my hand and silently pleaded with me to stand still. It was like exhaustion had over-taken her, and she reserved her energy to speak.

“Danny, I called Sam, Jake’s roommate. You and I are sleeping up there tonight. Would you mind waiting in the hall for me?”

“Not at all.” Danny looked to the floor and quietly walked back out into the hallway. She left the door open a crack, which I didn’t blame her. She was in a strange building in a strange town. She was just being safe.

I pulled my hand from Gracie’s and wiped the make-up from under her eyes then held her face in my hands.

“Gracie, you are scaring the hell out of me. What is going on?”

“Calon, it’s not my place to say. But, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the way you love my best friend. She needs you more now than she’s ever needed anyone, and I’m glad she has you.” She took my hands from her face and pressed them together. “Love you, Calon.” Then she turned to meet Danny in the hallway.

The bedroom door was closed, but the light that spilled out underneath told me Becki was awake. The four steps I took to that bedroom door took an eternity. My arm felt like it weighed a thousand pounds as I lifted it and turned the knob.

Sweet, sleepy music was a gentle backdrop for the sadness in the eyes that met mine. The eerie but relaxed tempo helped me remember to breathe as I crossed the room and took the broken shell of a girl into my arms. Becki fell against my chest and threaded her arms under mine until they were around my waist. She was dressed in Gracie’s flannel pajamas, which swallowed her up, since she’d lost so much weight.

I felt her tears soak through my t-shirt, but she didn’t make a sound. I took a couple staggered deep breaths then brushed her hair back off her face and kissed her on the top of her head. She squeezed me tighter, and I swore I felt part of her soul seep into mine. Something so deep troubled her at the same time it drew us even closer, yet I had no idea what she was about to tell me.

“Becks, you’re scaring me. Talk to me.” My voice cracked, and I pressed her body into mine. My hand on her lower back rubbed in tiny circles, trying to relieve the tension I felt in her core. She remained still, saying nothing. I knew I needed to let her open up when she was ready and not press her. I just needed to be there. Having her in my arms was helping to calm my anxiety, so we just stood and held on for a while.

Her body began to sway to the music. The tone of the song had sort of entwined itself into the vibe Becki projected as she gently moved against me. We moved in the slowest of slow dances. I focused on taking in every second. I felt every nuance of her body when she moved and breathed. I breathed her in; her scent a mix of vanilla and musk. Her hair against the underside of my chin was silky soft. I was so afraid of what she would tell me, I needed to fill myself up with everything she was before she opened up to me. Something in my gut feared she was preparing to walk away.

She chose that moment to step back and look up at me. I wiped the tears from her cheeks and brushed away the damp hair that had matted against the cheek she’d had pressed into my chest. She laid her hands gently on my chest and took a deep breath. Her lips parted then closed a couple times before any sound was made. She finally spoke.

“I love you.” The sound of her voice lit a nervous flutter that started in my stomach and lurched into my chest when she choked out a sob. I took her face in my hands and ducked down a little until we were eye to eye.

“I love you, too, Becks. Whatever this is, I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me against the world, baby. Talk to me.” I searched her face for just one single emotion, but there were so many it made me gasp a shallow breath. I saw pain and fear and confusion tied together with a level of discord I couldn’t imagine. She was terrified of something.

“Calon, I…” Her mouth continued to move, but her words stopped there. “I don’t… I can’t…”

“Tell me. Let me help you with whatever has you so tongue-tied. I’m here. I’ll listen.”

“Then listen…” She pointed toward Gracie’s iPhone dock where her phone was plugged in.

Everything from that moment on moved in slow motion. When I switched my attention from Becki to the music, a wave hit me that I wasn’t prepared for.

Natalie Merchant’s voice sang of baby blankets and baby shoes. I’d heard the song “Eat for Two” by 10,000 Maniacs more times than I could count, but its references to an unplanned life growing inside a woman wasn’t something I could connect with… until that very moment.