A Proper Family Christmas (6 page)

William watched her stir the pan. She couldn't be very old - not nearly old enough to be anyone's nanny - but she worked with an air of graceful efficiency he couldn't help admiring.

“If he wants toast, you'll have to use the grill - I haven't got a toaster.”

“That's okay.”

“It needs a match.”

“I see.”

She passed even this test, finding the awkward position of the jet, and managing to light it without burning her fingers. What on earth was she doing in such a diabolical job?

“I suppose you like bossing people about,” he suggested.

That made her turn round in surprise.

“…I can't imagine why else anyone would want to be a nanny.”

“I've been taking care of three younger brothers all my life - that might have had something to do with it.”

“Well I hope that they were spoiled brats.”

“Not at all!” She rose to his fly. “They're very nice kids.”

“What a pity! You've obviously no experience in dealing with children like my grandson then!”

Her lips twitched, but all she said was: “Would you have a plate somewhere?”

He moved to fetch one from the cupboard, and a knife and fork from the drawer.

She glanced at the doorway as she spooned the spaghetti onto some toast. “I suppose they'll bring him down in a minute. It's a bit far away to go and call.”

William felt a little pang of conscience as he remembered just how far away he had ensured it was.

“Have some stew while you're waiting,” he said. “It's really quite good.”

“I'd better not.”

She sat down near the place she'd laid for Tobias and thoughtfully helped herself to an E from his plate. Mr. Shirburn raised an eyebrow.

“I'm acting as Royal Taster,” she explained.

“What's it like?” He leaned over and took an O.

“Delicious. Tobias'll probably keel over after all these additives.”

“If he does, they'll be sure to accuse me of poisoning him. I shall tell them you're entirely responsible.”

“Your food, your cooking utensils!” retorted the nanny. “I'm only the minion who put them together.”

An increasing wail warned them of the approach of Tobias. He made his entrance with a parent at each hand, and glared at his grandfather and his nanny with impartial animosity.

“Let's see what Nanny's found for your lunch. Oh…!”

“Tinned spaghetti!” cooed William helpfully. “On delicious toast.”

Tobias looked at him in surprise, and then at the alphabet spaghetti. “It's got letters,” he observed.

“Perhaps you could make ‘Tobias',” said his nanny. “Sit down here and we'll try and find a ‘T'.”

“He's been able to spell his name since he was three,” said Stephen proudly.

The phone went. William pretended not to have heard.

“I wonder who that can be,” said Lesley, ostensibly to Tobias, but looking firmly at William, who gazed airily into the middle distance.

“I suppose Mrs. Arncott'll get it,” said Stephen uncertainly, after a glance at Frances, who was also keeping her head down.

William watched them, amused by the battle of wills to see who was going to give in and go.

“What's she doing? They'll ring off in a minute!” said Lesley. It was going to be her. She scraped her chair back with an impatient snort and hurried out into the hall.

She return a few moments later, her face a thunder-cloud. “That was Julia. She says they'll be here at about three-thirty,” she announced in a voice of ice.

“Oh good,” said William, not meeting her eye.

“Did you
know
they were coming for Christmas?”

“Julia did mention something about it last night.”

“Well why on
earth
didn't you say so?” Lesley was beside herself. “They're bringing Posy, and the nanny. I can't think where they're all supposed to sleep! Have you told Mrs. Arncott?”

“No.”

“Why ever not?”

“I couldn't face any more of you,” William explained simply.

Lesley gave a small shriek of frustration and stalked out of the room again.

“Oh dear, she's upset,” said William happily.

Julia's imminent arrival precipitated a family conference in the dining-room, to which Frances was not invited. She was beginning to feel hungry, but she wasn't sure whether she was expected to eat with Tobias, or Stephen and Lesley, or perhaps with Mrs. Arncott in some equivalent of a servants' hall. She finished feeding Tobias, who was actually quite taken with the alphabet spaghetti, and tried to avoid listening to the raised voices.

Unlike her employers, Frances had been greatly relieved to hear that another family was coming - with a nanny. It would be wonderful to have someone normal to talk to, to have a giggle about the Shirburns and exchange moans with. Posy's nanny was apparently being made to work over Christmas as well, and was probably as fed up about it as Frances was. “What's Posy like?” she wondered aloud. “Is she prosy?”

“What's that?” Tobias asked, amused at the sound of the word.

“Sort of good, I suppose.”

“No, she's bad. She's a
bad
influence,” he informed her carefully. “I hope she comes soon.”

Eventually the dining-room door opened, and William could be heard announcing that it was all a plot to kill him off so his relatives could inherit his money. Kath, who had attended the meeting in her role as chatelaine, bounced into the kitchen looking smug.

“Well, we've had to change everything round, of course, now his daughter's decided to join the party. You'll be sharing with the other nanny now - dare say you won't weep over that.” She made a face at Tobias's back. “He'll have to go in with his cousin Posy.”

“I'm not having that pooey room,” Tobias stipulated.

“No, Mummy and Daddy are staying there,” said Kath, having taken care to ensure this. “And Posy's Mummy and Daddy will have to go on the floor below. …Lovely couple, Julia and Tony!” Kath's face took on a rapt expression. “Not a bit snooty. You'd never think she was his sister.” She nodded towards the dining-room to indicate Stephen. “Older, too, but you wouldn't know it - dresses beautiful!”

She lowered her voice to a hiss designed to by-pass Tobias. “Young Posy's a bit of a madam, but I dare say their nanny will keep her in order. He's okay - Tony. Very good-looking!” She winked at Frances. “We always have a bit of a laugh and joke, me and Tony. Think he fancies me, to be honest. Come on, young man! Better get your nanny to help you move your things.”

Frances obediently carried Tobias's belongings across to the little box-room Kath had decreed to be ‘nice and snug' for two children, wondering vaguely why he wasn't staying in the one originally assigned to Stephen and Lesley. Tobias, however, seemed quite happy with the arrangement.

“Which is my bed?” He bounced on both.

“Well I expect you can choose, as you were here first.”

“I'll have this one. No…this one.” He lay down and pretended to be asleep, with huge artificial snores.

“Here you are!” Lesley came in looking anxious. “Mrs. Arncott couldn't seem to remember… Oh, what a pokey little room! - I'm really not sure this is a good idea, you know. Posy's quite a bit older than Tobias and…well…
Such
a pity they decided to come and disrupt everyone's plans!”

Frances remained silent. She didn't think Lesley would quite have the nerve to move things round again.

“I'm sleeping in this bed,” Tobias informed his mother, shutting his eyes again to illustrate the point.

“That's right. Why don't you snuggle down and have a little nap.”

“What are
you
going to do?”

“Daddy and I are going to have our lunch, and a little chat with Grandpa.”

“I might be lonely on my own,” Tobias ventured.

“Nanny will stay here until you're asleep.”

Frances's jaw dropped. She would have forgone the chat with Grandpa, but she could have done with some lunch herself. Tobias didn't seem in the least sleepy to her, and he certainly wouldn't drop off while he still had an audience.

“I don't like Grandpa,” he told them. “He
looks
at me.”

“Oh darling! Of
course
you like Grandpa!”

Frances was surprised at her tone. She hadn't thought Lesley was all that keen on Grandpa herself.

“Wouldn't you like to live in this nice house when you're big?” Lesley bent down to kiss him.

“No,” said Tobias.

His mother tittered and raised her eyebrows at Frances. “Settle down then, precious. Do you want a drink?”

Tobias decided that perhaps he did. Frances could feel Lesley's eyes on her, and busied herself unpacking some things into a drawer.

“Oh well… Mummy will fetch you one, then.”

Frances grinned to herself. This talk with Grandpa must be pretty important if Lesley was prepared to go down three flights of stairs to the kitchen and back to keep Tobias out of the way. She and Stephen obviously wanted to get William on his own before the other relatives turned up. She would have felt sorry for the old man, being bullied by his son and daughter-in-law, if it hadn't been obvious that he was quite capable of giving as good as he got. William Shirburn was a tease, and Stephen and Lesley played up to it beautifully. She suspected that most of the time he did exactly as he liked, and moreover that he wasn't above stirring things up a bit occasionally for his own amusement.

She wondered what they were so keen to talk to him about. Money, probably. For some reason people always seemed to feel the need for secrecy where money was concerned, even when the facts were really boring. Perhaps Stephen was tired of university life, and they wanted a loan to start some exciting new venture - an escort agency or something.

“Why are you smiling?” asked Tobias.

“I'm not. My lips made a funny face by mistake. Hurry up and go to sleep, then I can go and get my lunch.”

“What are you going to have?”

“Beefburgers and custard.”

“No, you're not.” Tobias had as much sense of humour as the rest of his family. “What
are
you going to have?”

“I don't know. Whatever your Mummy and Daddy leave me, I suppose.” She indulged in a pathetic picture of herself condemned to starve in a garret, but actually she wasn't sorry to have been let off eating with the Shirburns. With a bit of luck when Posy and her nanny came, they wouldn't be expected to sit down to formal meals with the other relatives. They sounded distinctly intimidating.

“What's the elderly lady like who's coming?” she asked, wondering how ethical it was to pump Tobias. “- Grandpa's sister. She must be your great-aunt.”

“She's Great-Aunt Margery,” Tobias confirmed. “I don't like her.”

“You don't like many people, do you?”

Tobias considered this. “I like Grime and Brine,” he said after a moment. “We had a good game last time, with them and Posy, only Mummy and Daddy stopped us doing it.”

“Who on earth are Grime and Brine?”

“Their Mummy's Mrs. Arncott. I don't like her.”

“And what about the lady who can't spend Christmas on her own - Hilary?” Frances decided she might as well get the full score.

“Auntie Hilary's nice.”

Her opinion of Tobias's judgement was such that Frances immediately pictured an over-fond maiden aunt, gooing over Tobias and showering him with unsuitable presents, and so over-sensitised by whatever traumatic event had happened to her three years ago that she dissolved into tears at the least excuse.

“Christmas is going to be a laugh a minute, isn't it?” she sighed.

“I thought you said you weren't laughing,” said Tobias.

Lesley bustled back with some orange-juice, which Tobias ignored. “All ready for sleep now, darling?” she asked optimistically. “Where's your special blanket? There we are! And you haven't got Cuddly Rabbit, have you? Where's Cuddly Rabbit, Nanny…?”

Tobias sat up surrounded by toys, his eyes bright and eager for action.

“Night-night then, precious.”

“It's not night.”

“You have a nice little nap, anyway. Can I speak to you for a moment, Nanny?”

Frances obediently followed her onto the landing.

“Er, I do hope you find your room comfortable.”

“Yes, thank you.” Frances had been surprised when Kath had shown her to a much nicer room than the others they had seen, with two good beds and a large window overlooking the garden. Lesley seemed uneasy. Frances wondered if she was trying to engineer a swap.

“I must say, I would have expected Mrs. Arncott to have put the nannies a little nearer the children!” Lesley laughed nervously. She was obviously having difficulty in reaching the point. She cleared her throat and looked down at her sensible shoes, and then out of the landing window.

“Er, I hope you won't mind, Nanny, if we ask you to use the back stairs.”

Frances gasped.

“You did see them, didn't you? I'm sure you'll find them much more convenient - for the kitchen, etc. Perhaps you could mention it to the Britwells' nanny when she arrives.” She turned away without meeting Frances's eye, and hurried towards the front staircase.

“So many people on the road are not really fit to drive,” said Leo, coming close up behind a man doing seventy in the fast lane, and flashing his lights.

“No.” Hilary's leg tensed as she felt for an imaginary brake.

“About time!” grunted Leo, when the man was finally terrorised into cutting in between two lorries and he could get past. “So what do you think's behind all this Christmas business?”

“What do you mean?” said Hilary, startled. Was Leo embarking on a theological debate in the middle of the motorway? It would be typical.