Read A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Online

Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (31 page)

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"Now?" I left and was furious about her rather elaborate deceit.


February 13: I took Kathryn to see a counselor and I think that went well. I thought it was the right thing to do. She drew an alarming picture of someone caught between two fires. Someone in the corner is calling the fire department and saying, "There's a child inside."


March 16: We celebrated lovely Anne's birthday today.... I talked at the table about how she was as a child. I've been doing that a lot when the kids are here, talking about our family life in the past, how it may not be what they want today, but earlier it was a regular home. BERNIE SCHEMMLER

From these brief excerpts, we can see how divorce brings a tremendous amount of pain in a family that was pretty happya family that had no history of abuse or addiction. I'd say a normal family but that phrase has become volatile. Let's just say this family had been going along on a pretty regular path. We see also that the three children react in very different ways. We can see Kathryn taking in all the sadness, Michael trying to escape, and Anne acting out aggressively. The mother wisely decided that Kathryn needs to be in therapy. Perhaps later Anne and Michael will choose to go to counseling if their feelings become overwhelmingly painful. As outsiders, we might think that Michael and Anne

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could benefit from therapy now also, yet the family is progressing in its own style.

To help yourself and your children deal with their feelings, please refer back to the chapter on loss as well as the chapter on anger. Grief and anger are probably the two strongest feelings children feel after a divorce. You may need to spend some time reflecting on how your kids may be feeling about your divorce and how it may be compounding the usual feelings of adolescence.

Decrease the Tension Between You and Your Former Spouse

When I was little, I walked around outside with a salt shaker, testing out the theory that if you shake salt on a bird's tail, you'll catch it. When I first heard the idea of "Decreasing tension with your ex-spouse," it sounded a lot like shaking salt on the bird's tail. I laughed to myself and thought angrily, "This is what I call creative problem-solving. Nobody could get along with my psychotic ex-husband."

If you believe that you ex-spouse is a psychotic, a lunatic, a basket case, you may assume that I believe you absolutely. You wouldn't have gotten divorced if he or she were easy to get along with. You can't change the other person, but what can you do? How about some creative problem-solving. Take a few minutes now and list some things you

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could do to decrease some of the anger in the relationship. Crazy as it sounds, impossible even, you owe it to your kids to see if you can figure out how to decrease the tension between you and your ex-spouse. This is one of the factors most often identified as significant for children to recover from the loss of divorce. The kids who move on with their lives have parents who have become nonchalant about each other.

The advice columnist Pat Gardner published a very encouraging list called ''Some Rights of Kids from Divorced Families.''
²This bill of rights affirms the rights of children to live in homes free of tension, abuse, or constant bickering. It affirms the rights of children to have their own feelings, to love and show affection for each parent without the other punishing them. This kind of life is the birthright of all humansto live in peace and have our own feelings. Although some situations seem impossible to change, let yourself imagine a change. Let go of wanting to make your ex-spouse the partner you wanted.

Certainly, I'm not advocating letting go of situations where there is child abuse. If there is child abuse going on at the other parent's house, report it immediately to Child Protection. Don't try to do it all by yourself. Don't try to change what you can't change.

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Try saying the Serenity Prayer as a way to get in touch with the behaviors that are truly under your controlyour behaviors, your anger, your joy in your present life. The Serenity Prayer is
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Here are some other suggestions people have tried.

Be civiltalk with your ex-spouse as if you are in a business relationship.

Make arrangements for visitation through a third party at a neutral site.

Ask someone your ex-spouse respects to be an intermediary.

Ask for official mediation through the courts.

Don't make nasty remarks about your ex-spouse in front of your kids.

Do what you can for your kids without talking about what the other parent should be doing.

Ask your ex-spouse to go to therapy to discuss the children. Be open to listening to your children talk about the other parent in a way that is supportive without being judgmental. Support your children's feelings about their other parent.

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