A Beautiful Sin (33 page)

His head whipped toward me. “Shut your mouth, you stupid slut. I’m not talking to you. And this was all your idea anyway, wasn’t it?”

At the time, it seemed wise of me to get his attention away from Kathy. So I said, “I won’t deny I had something to do with it. You’re unstable and need help, like anger management and possibly medication.” Well, that certainly was not the right thing to say.

“Why, you little whore. I thought I taught you better than that.” I didn’t expect him to react as badly as he did, but one minute I was standing in front of him, and the next I was on the ground, cradling my face. The fucker decked me.

The steps in front of the church and the parking lot turned into chaos. Somebody grabbed Kent and restrained him while Father Cernak crouched down to help me.

“Are you all right?” the priest asked.

Even though it hurt like hell, I grinned. “Oh, I’m much better than that.” He helped me to my feet, and I stared at Kent for a moment, gathering my thoughts. Then I finally said, “For years, years, I’ve waited for something like this to happen. Now everyone here can see you for the man you truly are. An abusive jerk. This is your final blow. You will never strike us again, because now we have witnesses. Lots of them. And this time you can’t use your cop status to save you. I hope you go to jail for assault and battery, not only for this, but for all the times you broke my ribs when I was just a kid and too afraid to say anything. You’re nothing but a poor excuse of a man.”

I glanced at my aunt and if I didn’t know better, I would’ve sworn there was a hint of a smile on her face. “Aunt Kathy, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, dear.”

The flashing lights of the police cars filled the parking lot and soon the officers put Kent in handcuffs. It was one of the best days ever.

Father Cernak came over to me after the police had finished. “Would you and Kathy like to come inside for a minute?”

I didn’t really want to, but I thought it would be terribly rude not to go. So we followed him inside the rectory. It was weird being here without Canaan. I kept looking around in the hopes he would walk in. Crazy, yes, I know. But I couldn’t help myself. That was why I needed to stay away from here.

“I told the police I would be your witness if you needed it, but I’m also telling you, if it comes to that. He could’ve really hurt you, Haven,” Father Cernak said.

“He has really hurt me in the past. I have the scars to prove it.”

“You were a student here. Why did you never say anything?”

I shrugged. “He’s a cop. It wouldn’t have gone anywhere.”

Father Cernak reached for my hand. “Yes, it would have. We would’ve called in Child Protective Services. It wouldn’t have mattered who he was. You were scarred and injured. They would’ve investigated and gotten to the bottom of it. They have all kinds of ways to figure it out.”

“It’s long passed now. And you weren’t here then anyhow.”

“I’m sorry you endured all of that. And Kathy, the same goes for you. I hope you understand you always have a safe place here, if you need help.”

“Thank you, Father,” my aunt said.

“Now, let me give the two of you a ride home.”

“Oh, we couldn’t…” I started to say, but he cut me off and insisted. Father Cernak dropped my aunt off and then drove me all the way home. I told him I was moving back and going to set up shop here for good. He was such a nice man, I could see why Canaan felt so at home here with him. When we got to my building, he patted my hand and reminded me of his offer to be a witness should I need one. Then he wished me a very happy New Year and drove off.

As I thought about the events of what happened, it was a good thing Canaan hadn’t been there. I was afraid things would’ve escalated between Kent and him. That would not have been good. The way it turned out was for the best. Kent would pay, hopefully with some jail time for assault and battery, and maybe even domestic violence. We’d also told the police to put up an order of protection on both Kathy and me. We had to go to the police station the next day to sign the papers and then I was leaving the day after.

I never thought Kent’s own actions would have this effect. I couldn’t have asked for better. When Macie came in, I explained things, and she wanted to celebrate, so we did. I drank a virgin colada and she drank one all spiked up.

The following day was a breeze. I picked up Kathy and we accomplished everything we needed to. Kent spent the night in jail and then lawyered up. The funny thing about it all was it would cost him a pretty penny to defend himself and he was the cheapest sucker around. Oh, how I laughed over his demise. But if I thought about it too long, I knew whatever he got would never be enough for all the things he had done to me over the years. But I let it all go. My life was on track. I was in a good place. Not the best, of course. But I was happy, having a baby, moving back here with a solid job, doing what I loved the most. What more could I ask for?

As much as I wanted to follow Haven, my knees gave out as I grabbed the back of the pew and lowered myself to the seat.

I’m going to be a father,
and not in the biblical sense. 

New Year’s Day couldn’t come soon enough. I tugged at my collar, feeling it tighten against my throat. I felt like running and leaving the city behind, but couldn’t leave Bill in a bind despite that being a charlatan in priest’s clothing.

“Canaan.”

Bill said my name so softly, yet it sounded in my head as if he’d spoken through a megaphone.

“Yes.” The one syllable word came out broken, just like me.

“Are you all right?”

If he told me that Jesus Christ himself had walked through our doors unannounced, I wouldn’t be more flummoxed than I was at that moment.

“I got some news.” Taken for a loop, I hadn’t exactly meant to reveal even that much.

“Good news, I hope.”

“I’m not sure,” I said. “I think I just need some time.”

Finding my feet wasn’t easy, but I managed it. Bill let me go without asking me any more questions. I made my way out the back door and into the moonlight, spotlighting me.

I was never more grateful for the darkness in my tiny room. I pulled the clerical collar free from my shirt. What a sham I was. How could I continue?

When I turned, I was confronted by Haven’s painting of me. Clearly she’d missed the version of me with a red face and horns.

Falling to my knees, I prayed, and not for me, but for Haven and our unborn child. I begged God for forgiveness and mercy while I fought the strong urge to seek her out. How could I go to her when I didn’t have answers?

Somehow I managed on autopilot with robotic movements to make it through the week. I barely slept. Many nights, I ran under the cover of darkness heedless of the many dangers. My back ached from the strap, yet it did nothing to ease my torment. When I was able to close my eyes at night, Haven’s lovely face graced the back of my eyelids.

The New Year dawned and I’d finally said the last prayers. Would it be for the last time? I removed the robes and stood in the room of inequity, troubled by everything that should have been holy but was marred by acts I didn’t want and one that I did.

“Father Canaan.”

Blinking rapidly, I forced myself out of my head and into the present.

“Everything has been put away.”

I nodded at Shelby.

“Can I leave?”

I nodded again, unable to find words.

She scurried out and I let the river fall from my eyes. So much of my life centered around the church. I loved God and wanted to serve him for as long as I could remember. It had been His light that allowed me to overcome the scars of my soul and not let them deter me from my path. But what could I do?

It wasn’t about me or even Haven. An innocent grew within her from our lovemaking. Our transgression had created the most beautiful sin. A child who had no choice in parentage, would he or she be tainted? Unmarried, in the eyes of the church, our baby would be considered a bastard. And how unfair was that?

My fist connected with the table until my knuckles were bloody and bruised. The same table that had seen my first blood, the table that had stolen my joy and recently had brought it back to me. Was there life outside of these four walls for me?

Haven meant to have our baby without my help. And what kind of man would that make me if I let her? I had no wages or means to take care of a family. All my worldly possessions had been rendered to the church, which hadn’t been much to begin with.

Those were the thoughts I struggled with on the drive that felt longer than it truly was. The secrets I’d kept most of my life felt like rotten eggs in my gut. And if I didn’t release the pressure, I was sure to go insane.

I made it to Notre Dame and sought out my mentor. Father Tony saw my distress and led me down a forgotten walking path to a secluded spot I’d sought on occasion during my years in school.

“There’s something on your mind. You wouldn’t have driven all the way here on this day otherwise. I’m sure your parents expected you.”

I scrubbed my face, ready to unburden myself. It was a new year and time for new things.

“There’s a woman,” I began.

Father Tony was a good man in more ways than I wasn’t. His expression didn’t change as I told him the story from beginning to end.

“It was the first time Father O’Brien took me when she showed up. I had no idea what she was going through when I sent her back to the Hell she was living in. I thought I was protecting her from him.”

Every ugly detail uncurled from my tongue as I pulled out the spike that had been embedded in my heart.

“Canaan,” Tony said as tears fell from his eyes in the steady stream in which they fell from my own. He rested a hand on my forearm. “You can’t believe you deserved it.”

Father O’Brien’s words were never far from my mind.
Sinner and tempter, corruptor of souls. I was the beast made flesh. My external covering was Hell-sent
.

“Didn’t I? All my life people have looked at me as much as I wanted them not to notice. My temptation was too much for even Haven to bear. And it’s led me to this place.”

“Canaan, temptation is a struggle for each one of us every day. Even our thoughts aren’t pure. None of us are perfect in the sight of God. But no one deserves to be touched, especially by a person you should have been able to trust. I can’t begin to apologize that this happened to you. You were not the cause. He used those words to force you into submission.”

“And wasn’t I dumb to believe it…and still believe it?”

“You were an impressionable child whose trust was broken. What he did was unforgivable.” His pause forced me to meet his eyes. “Maybe that’s wrong to say. We are taught that all our sins will be forgiven. And that’s what God does. He forgives, Canaan. And maybe one day, you will too. But never think you deserved what he did to you.”

Everything he said wasn’t a revelation. But to hear him say it broke through the protective walls I’d been hiding behind.

“Thanks, Father Tony.”

“I’m not done yet. Though I can’t fully understand you breaking your vow, I also can’t condemn you for it either.”

“She’s pregnant,” I blurted. His face registered surprise for the first time. I soldiered on. “I have to take care of my responsibilities. But I can’t do that as a priest.”

It pained me as if I’d lost my best friend to say those words. My relationship with God had kept me on solid footing when I thought life was too unbearable. And I had no choice but to give up my position. At the same time, I looked forward to the future and the possibilities.

“Once a priest, always a priest in the eyes of the church. If you want to leave, you have to walk away.”

I nodded. “How do I do that?”

“You have to request a leave from the bishop so that they will install another priest in your spot.”

“Do I tell them everything?”

“That is up to you. But it won’t change anything.”

“What do you think I should do?” I asked belatedly.

His earnest eyes pinned me, and I prepared myself for his late incoming condemnation. “It was just the once?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“Do you love her?”

It was a question that didn’t really require thought.

“It’s not how I love my parents. And I’ve never kissed anyone before her. If love means she consumes my thoughts or that I worry about her all the time, then I do. I wonder is she okay? Is she safe? And that was before I found out she was with child. I want to be there to protect her. Most of all, I want her happy. If that translates to love, then yes, I’m in love with her.”

He sighed. “I myself wasn’t a virgin when I made my decision to give my life to God. I’d had relationships in my youth. So I didn’t come into this blind. That could be a good thing. I have no regrets from leaving my secular life behind. You, on the other hand, didn’t experience the secular world. I wondered when you were here on campus if seeing life differently would change your path. But it didn’t. And I thought, what an extraordinary man you were. With that said, I don’t think any less of you for your choices. Maybe not having knowledge of the world meant you didn’t get to make that choice with full disclosure.”