A Beautiful Sin (32 page)

Gray skies greeted me in the morning when I woke up to my usual round of morning sickness. Rushing to the bathroom, I wondered how much longer I would be praising the porcelain god each day. I wasn’t the sickly type, but this was ridiculous. When the doctor informed me that it wasn’t the flu but pregnancy that was causing my illness, he projected I was about seven weeks along. And that was a week ago. This could go on for twelve weeks or more. Ugh.

Crackers usually helped, so I pilfered the cabinets until I found some saltines and nibbled on them for breakfast. Then I worried about what Macie was going to say when she learned of this. And Canaan. I couldn’t stand the thought of what he was going through. A small part of me smarted over the fact that he hadn’t called to check on me. Then again, it was for the best. What could he do or say?

When the afternoon rolled around, I pulled myself together and went to my aunt’s. She had promised to cook an afternoon dinner and when she let me in her apartment, the aromas of the food punched me in the gut. I cupped my hand over my mouth and sprinted to the bathroom.

When I resurfaced, concern was sketched in her eyes. “Haven, what’s wrong? You don’t have that stomach bug that’s going around, do you?” Her hand automatically landed on my forehead.

“No, I think I ate something that disagreed with me.”

Her shrewd eyes weren’t buying it. “You’re positively green.”

I felt green. The smell of the food was nailing me, but I didn’t want to tell her that. This sucked.

“I’ll be fine. I’m going to walk outside a minute.”

She gave me a look that suggested I was losing it. And I was. “You can’t go outside. It’s freezing out there.”

I couldn’t tell her I needed to get away from the odor in here, but if I stayed, I’d be throwing up all afternoon.

Then she let out a hearty laugh, which was nice to hear. I couldn’t recall ever hearing my aunt laugh like that. “Did you go back to Macie’s last night and have too much to drink?”

This was as good of an excuse as any, so I tried to give her my very best sheepish look. “Well…”

“Well, I’m just happy to see you having some fun for a change. Let me make you a club soda with lemon and ice. That should settle your stomach, and I have some crackers.”

Jackpot! “Thanks, Aunt Kathy.” Now if she could turn on the exhaust fan and get the smell out, I’d be golden. Unfortunately, she never did. The soda and crackers helped though, and I was even able to eat some of her dinner.

“So, tell me, what’s going on in New York?” she asked after we ate.

“Well, I’m going to be moving back here.” I’d decided to break the news to her today.

“You what?”

“I’ve decided to take the position Jonathon offered me and make Chicago my permanent home.” I left out the other
real
reason. No need to tell her that now. That nugget of news could wait until
my
nugget was further along.

“Oh, Haven, this is the best Christmas present you could’ve given me.” She folded me in her bony arms and hugged me. Seeing how happy she was solidified my decision even more. Maybe her health would hold out and she would be around to see my nugget as a grownup. That thought brought tears to my eyes, but I hid my face on her thin shoulder so she wouldn’t catch sight of my emotions.

“You think so, huh?” I asked.

“You know it. It’ll be great having you around more, especially since, well, you-know-who isn’t here anymore.”

That brought a few things to mind. “Has he bothered you at all or come around?”

“Not once. I know he has to have figured out where I am, with all his access to police stuff.”

I thought about this for a minute. “Maybe he hasn’t figured out the apartment is leased in my name.”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so. He’s sly like a fox. He would’ve checked that, I think. No, he’s left me alone, and I thank God for that.”

Kent had something up his sleeve; I was convinced. What it was, I couldn’t guess. I’d have to be prepared for the worst, and to be honest, it scared the shit out of me. He was capable of so much more than anyone gave him credit for.

Later that evening I could see that my aunt was tired from having a visitor for the afternoon, so I set up an Uber and headed home. By the time I walked into Macie’s apartment, she was already there.

“Wow, you look like hell. What happened?” she wanted to know.

Two questions and she had me in tears.

“What the hell did I say?”

Because she was my best friend and I had to tell somebody, I explained. After, she sat there in silence before she wrapped herself around me like a blanket. No judgment, no scolding, just my bestie there giving me the support I so badly needed.

“I really did it this time, didn’t I?”

“So…you’re going to have a baby, which means you definitely have to move here. It all makes perfect sense. You’ll have a strong support group. Kathy, my mom, and me. Your job too. I’ll find us a new place to live.”

“Okay, stop. I’ve thought about that. You’re right. I’m keeping this nugget. I can’t get rid of it. I think about what if my mom had done that. I wouldn’t be here, you know? And I’ve never felt that would be the answer for me anyway. So that’s out. I couldn’t give it up either. But, Macie, I need my own place.” I watched her face drop as I said the words. “Think about it. Having an infant in the house is not conducive to being single. I love it that you want to do that, but I can’t possibly let you.” I swiped my face because there was a constant dribble that leaked out of my eyes. “But I do need that support network around me. And the job. So Chicago will be my permanent home. I already told my aunt and you should’ve seen her face.”

Macie’s jaw hit the floor. “You told her about the baby?”

“No, silly, I told her about moving here. You know I wouldn’t tell anyone before I told you. Except the father.” Then I waited for her reaction.

“You told him?” she whispered. I wasn’t sure if it was from shock or because she thought I was an idiot, but I knew I was about to find out.

“Yeah, I told him.”

A V formed between her brows and she asked, “When?”

“Last night after I left your parents’, I went to Midnight Mass. Afterward, I waited in the church for him. It was a long shot, but I took a chance that he would be the one to lock up, and he was. That’s when I dropped the bomb.”

Her hand wrapped around my wrist and squeezed. “What did he say?”

“Nothing,” I whispered.

“Nothing? You told him he was going to be a father and he said nothing?”

“You don’t understand. I didn’t give him a chance. Right after I told him, I basically ran out of there right to the car that was waiting on me to take me home. It was the only way. I couldn’t even look at him when I told him.”

Macie jumped up and paced back and forth, then crouched in front of me. “Why did you tell him? It’s not like he can do anything.”

I stretched the cuffs of my sleeves and used them to wipe my cheeks. “I don’t want him to do anything. He had to know, though. It wouldn’t be right not to tell him. What if my dad never knew about me?”

It wasn’t something I thought about often. But with my little nugget growing inside me, I couldn’t help but think about it. It was one thing I planned on asking my aunt about. She might know.

Macie offered me a handful of tissues. I greedily grabbed them and blew my nose. “You should definitely ask your aunt. What else did you tell Canaan?”

“I also apologized for ruining his life, sullying his soul, tarnishing his previously chaste life. I’ve made a shambles of the priesthood for him, so he deserved an apology from me. Not that it would change anything. Shit, Macie, I feel like a true Jezebel. Honestly. I’ve earned all of this by rights.”

“It takes two, Have.”

She was right. It did. But in this instance, I clearly had the advantage over him and had used it unfairly.

“Yeah, but this was different.”

I was more than a little surprised when she didn’t argue but instead said, “So, you need me to find you an apartment?”

“Yep, a three bedroom. I need one for the baby and one for me to paint in when I can’t make it into the art studio. The ones you found before I could afford because we had planned to split the rent. Since the circumstances have changed, that won’t work.”

“And you’re positive you want to do it alone.”

What was supposed to be a laugh but sounded more like a croak came out of me. “Want? I wouldn’t exactly say that I want this. But it’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make the best home I can for my little nuggie here.”

“Nuggie?”

Rubbing my belly, I smiled and nodded. “I keep thinking of my mom. I wonder how she did it all those years ago. I guess she was every bit as scared as I am. At least she didn’t have to worry about the father.”

Macie patted my shoulder. “How will you handle it? When your nuggie starts to ask about their daddy?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll have to figure something out when the time comes. Maybe I’ll just tell her the truth. That I loved him but it was an impossible situation. I would have to wait to tell her that though, until she is old enough to understand. And pray she will understand.”

“But you won’t tell her who he is, will you?”

“Never.” I wrapped my arms around my stomach and hugged myself. “Macie, you’re the only person who will ever know the truth. And swear to me right now you’ll never tell another soul. I know how close you are to your mom, but this can’t ever leave this room. It would ruin Canaan, and God knows I’ve already done enough of that.”

“I swear. I won’t breathe a word of it.”

Macie knew every single one of my secrets, but she didn’t know about Canaan’s past. That wasn’t mine to share and I would carry that to my grave. But I could trust her not to speak of him fathering my child to anyone. She had kept her lips sealed about my awful existence with Kent during my years growing up. She often begged me to tell the teachers, only I knew it would be worse for me if I did. Eventually, I persuaded her to my thinking, and she became my shelter when I needed her the most. Hers was the only house I escaped to for a reprieve from my terrible existence. I envied her for the relationship she shared with her mother and father, the closeness they had with each other. The few times I was allowed to spend the night at her house, I soaked it up like a sponge, not even wanting to sleep, because I basked in the warm and cozy environment. This was the real meaning behind family and love. What my mom tried to show me but couldn’t because her life had ended all too soon. And that was how I planned to raise my child. Even though my nugget would be fatherless, I would shower her with so much love, she would barely notice.

“You’re the best friend I could’ve ever asked for. I doubt I’d be alive today if I hadn’t met you.” And even though I told her that all the time, it was the damn truth.

“I love you too, Have. And I’m going to be the best aunt in the world. Just call me Aunt Spoil. Okay, maybe not. That sounds like I never clean out my refrigerator.”

Leave it to Macie to make me laugh.

All of a sudden she belted out, “Oh my God!”

“What?”

“Here we are acting like it’s a girl. What are we going to do if you have a boy?”

I gave her my slyest grin. “We, my dear, are going to raise the greatest guy in the history of all mankind. One who knows exactly how to treat women.”

Holding her fist in the air, she said, “I’ll bump you one on that. Hey, can I be in the delivery room with you, holding your hand?”

“I’m counting on it.”

Macie began her search for my apartment the week after Christmas. I handed her the reins and told her if she found something after I went back to New York to snatch it up. It wouldn’t be wise to sit on something. My budget was fairly strict. While I was doing super with my work, I wanted to take some time off after the baby came, which would mean no income. So I had to factor all that in. There was also Aunt Kathy’s rent, and then I would need a nanny to watch the nugget when I went back to work. Being rent poor was the last thing I wanted.

Since Jonathon was way past ready for me to be in Chicago full-time, the news about my pregnancy would wait until I was at least twelve weeks or maybe even sixteen. Many pregnancies didn’t last, and I wanted to be sure mine did before I told him. My decision was to let him know upon my return, which would be around the third week in January. His part of the deal was to procure a studio outside of his gallery and my home where I could work without any distractions, away from prying eyes. He said everything would be set up by the time I returned. It had better be because I had a list of orders that was growing daily and I was starting to freak. I suggested to Jonathon that he shut it down until I caught up, but he said he would consider it after the first of the year. Fortunately, that had arrived so I would be calling him to give him a reminder.

On New Year’s Eve, I spent the night at home alone. Macie had a date, and I couldn’t party, so I watched movies and ate popcorn. With the crazy fatigue that didn’t want to leave me alone, I never made it to midnight to watch the ball drop. Oh well. It was only another night for me.

I made a promise to my aunt that had me cringing the next day. I was taking her to church for New Year’s Day. It was something she had done as long as I could remember, and she asked me if I would mind. How could I say no? Holy Cross celebrated a five o’clock Mass on the evening of New Year’s Day that she loved, so I prayed Canaan wouldn’t be there.

Much to my surprise and relief, he was nowhere in sight. I relaxed during the service and then afterward when I knew Father Cernak would speak to us. Church had been much more crowded than I remembered, and the parking lot was full of parishioners as we made our way out of the door, chatting with the priest. It was dark, cold, and what happened next caught me completely off guard.

Out of the darkness I heard his snarled words over my shoulder, directed at my aunt.

“Did you think I couldn’t find you? I know all of your habits, where you go, what you do.”

It was obvious by his slurred words that he’d been drinking. Cruel Kent had come out to play. Fearing for Aunt Kathy’s safety, I placed myself between them. “Stay away from her. I saw the bruises you left on her, and she doesn’t want or need any more abuse from you.”