You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother (12 page)

It is equally likely that she will do some, or all, of a number of things. Note that if you are genuinely NC, you won’t know about any of these. You’ll have built a wall that her attempts cannot cross, and that will save you a
lot
of pain and upset. Here is what she’ll try anyway:

She might start what’s called
hoovering
. Which is as the name suggests – an attempt to suck you up again. This involves hounding you. Stalking you even. Demanding that you tell her what she’s done wrong. Or imploring piteously. Crying maybe. Whatever it takes.

I might sound hard and cynical. That’s because I am. I have read too many experiences of DONMs on my forum to have any remaining illusions about how sincere these women are.

So if temper will work, she’ll do that. If demands might work, she’ll try those. If neither of those work she’ll try tears. As I said, whatever it takes. When those things don’t work, she’ll up the ante. You may get a call that she’s in hospital. Has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The roof has fallen off her house … Of course, if you do get in touch, you’ll find that that message was very much exaggerated. The terminal illness diagnosis? She was in hospital for minor tests.

She might send you a letter full of what, at first glance, seems like remorse and apologies. But when you look at it analytically you’ll see the narcissistic tricks running through it. Sarah from our forum wrote a template letter for the narcissistic mothers (or in her case, her narcissistic mother-in-law), which I share here with her permission:

Another hoovering attempt is that she might send a card. Mandy on the forum received a card. She fretted over it, saying, ‘The ball is back in my court now. It’d be rude not to respond. And they’d see my lack of response as more evidence of how rude I am.’

The fact is that the ball is
not
back in her court, or yours. It would
not
be rude to not respond. This card is not genuine; it’s manipulation, and it’s not rude to ignore attempts at manipulation.

One of the biggest weapons that narcissists use against us is our manners. They put us in no-win situations where our niceness and our decency and our social awareness trap us.

But, with narcissists, the normal rules don't apply. That might seem quite radical, but it's really good news.
They
break all the rules of social interaction and human co-operation, and therefore we are not bound to those rules either when we're dealing with them. And as they are not playing by the rules of society, then
you
are at a serious disadvantage if you do keep playing by those rules. Which is, of course, what they are counting on.

I know it goes against the grain to throw out the normal rules, and can seem shocking to do, but once you get the hang of it, it is very liberating.

So, you don't have to thank them for gifts or cards (such ‘gifts’ really just being drama-fodder and manipulation anyway, as we said.).

You don't have to send them birthday or other cards.

You don't have to include them in your family celebrations.

You don't have to return their phone calls, texts, or emails.

You don't have to 'friend' them on Facebook, or respond to their statuses if they are a friend.

With narcissists, normal rules don't apply. They just don't.

The only rule that you need to worry about is the rule to protect yourself and your family from her manipulation.

So I suggest you watch out for the times she tries to manipulate you into doing things because it's the polite thing to do ... and refuse to fall for it.

The great news is that you have way more power than you realise, you truly do. And that power is to ignore. It's like kryptonite to narcissists. Works on them every time. And for bonus goodness and satisfaction, they
hate
it. Not that I recommend doing anything petty and nasty to them, but if you do something for your own well-being and it upsets them, well, I think there’s no harm in taking pleasure in that. It’s little enough after all we’ve been put through.

So, the motto is DAI:
Delete And Ignore
.

For sure, they will  take your lack of response as more evidence for whatever they believe about you. Thing is, they believe these things anyway. If you respond to the card they’re not going to suddenly think, ‘Oh she’s so good, so genuine, we can start treating her well’.

At a very deep level your freedom lies in not caring what they think. Or caring, if you must, but not letting it influence the actions you take in pursuing your own health and well-being. Which, let me stress, are
far
more your responsibility than is pandering to your mother’s games.

Another trick she might try is to contact you and offer to meet to discuss it all. This is very tempting – after all, your dearest wish is to have a proper relationship with her, and here she is opening the door to that. How can you possibly refuse?

Well, you may recall that you tried everything before going NC. That you were driven to it by years and years of trying to discuss it, to no avail. You may decide that there is nothing to be gained by this.

But more likely you’ll think that you owe it to her, to yourself, and/or to your relationship, to give it every chance. Which is a totally valid position to hold.

But meeting her probably will be a very bad idea. She will just gaslight, invalidate, twist, spin facts, etc, etc, as she always did.

I strongly suggest, instead, that you ask her to write out – in detail – what she plans to say, and send it to you, telling her that you will then decide if it’s worth meeting in person.

Her reaction to this request will tell you a lot. Most likely she will be furious at you demanding this, and will refuse to do it. Or she might agree to do it, and then not. If she agrees to do it, then leave the ball in her court. Don’t chase her for it.

If a letter comes back saying something like: ‘I want to discuss how we can sort this out and become friends again’, that’s too vague. Write back to her (if you want) saying that you need to hear the details of how she proposes to sort it out.

If you do meet with her, either with, or without, her written submission, then meet in a public place that you can leave as you choose. And for choice, bring an advocate with you, as support and witness.

Another form of hoovering is to send you an apology. A fauxpology most likely, but cunningly disguised as real. Remember the rules of real apologies shared above and check her apology against that.

With all this hoovering you might well get sucked in and go back to her. It’s easily done, especially since we so desperately want to believe our mothers.

Most likely she’ll be nice for a while if you do that. And so you will feel loads of guilt for having doubted her and rejected her, along with relief that you’re all getting on so well, and hopes for an amicable future.

It won’t last though. Once she has you properly reeled back in, she will revert to her original self. Or even – very possibly – she will be nastier than her normal self, to punish you for having dared to reject her. This vicious turnaround can leave you reeling.

Another trick she might try is to send others to argue her case – people called Flying Monkeys, after the creatures in
The Wizard Of Oz
. ‘Fly my pretties, fly – those ones. This could be her husband/your father, a sibling, an aunt. It will be someone well used to the enabling role.

The Flying Monkey might agree with you when you speak of what she has done, but ask you to accept her bad behaviour anyway: ‘I know she’s hard to get on with, I do really. But that’s just her way.
She can’t help it. You know how she is.
Can you not be the bigger person and forgive her, and stop this nonsense as it’s really upsetting her?’

As Ellen from our forum says: ‘As for the whole "get over it" thing, I think that “get over it” has got to be one of my own Top Ten Most Hated Phrases Ever! I've heard it from my Enabling Father, who tells me to “get over” my "resentment" of my narcissistic mother who “did her best” (yeah, right - cobras are better mothers); from friends, who give me the whole “ll parents make mistakes, you have to get over it ...”spiel; and even from my husband - although he at least is a little more understanding and tells me to “try to get over it for your own sake”’.

How I
hate
that phrase! Hey, your own mother emotionally tormented/rejected/neglected/used/abused you, you grew up in a sick environment with no sense of what was normal or healthy, your whole life has been impacted by this; most people refuse to believe it even happened, and the person who did it to you feels no remorse and continues to claim that they did nothing wrong - so obviously the solution here is that
you
need to just ‘get over it’!

The Flying Monkey will tell you how upset she is. ‘You have hurt her so much. She doesn’t know what she’s done. She hasn’t stopped crying since she got that letter. I am really worried about her. Her blood pressure has gone way up/asthma has got worse/stress is through the roof. Just come and talk to her, please. For her sake. For my sake. For your sake. For your children’s sake – they need their grandmother.’

The Flying Monkey might say, ‘Well, you know, there are two sides to every story’. And this sounds plausible, and you, trying to be fair, might even start to agree with them. After all, you’re only seeing your side, right?

Fact: when you’re dealing with a narcissist, no, there are
not
two sides to the story. This is not a misunderstanding between two normal reasonable people. She is an abuser; you are an abuse victim, full stop.

Or they might say, ‘How can you
do
this to your mother?’ Indeed, you might be even saying this to yourself. And so their words have huge impact because they’re speaking what you think yourself. But remember, you’re not doing it
to
her. You’re doing it for you, and any fallout she experiences is just Natural Consequences as we discussed before.

Another statement the Flying Monkey might make is, ‘She misses you so much!’ Indeed, your mother might say that herself if she writes to you.