Your Truth is Out There (Find Your Truth Book 1) (23 page)

“That’s not what I meant,” said Theo. “Dammit Dad, why do you twist everything I say into something else.”

“Well maybe if …”

“Enough you two,” said Janny. “Let’s eat before the food gets cold.”

“Your mother is right, Theo,” said Alcorn. “Let’s not fight.”

“Fine with me,” said the boy, who Alcorn realized was rapidly approaching thirty, and no longer a boy. Theo held his plate out while Janny filled it with lasagna. “Thanks Mom,” he said.

“Of course,” said Janny, with the ever-present smile she used when she was trying to reunite the two of them. “Why don’t you tell your father about your news?”

“I already told you, Mom,” said Theo, “Dad isn’t interested in that kind of stuff.”

“Go ahead and tell him,” insisted Janny, “you might be surprised.”

“You know, I’m sitting right here,” said Alcorn, holding out his plate.

“Go on, Theo,” said Janny, “tell him.”

“Okay,” said Theo, with a shrug of his shoulders, “but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“You shall remain blameless,” said Alcorn. “Now let’s hear it.”

“Well, the University recently received a collection of paintings on loan from the Louvre. That’s in Paris, Dad.”

“Thanks, Theo, I know where the Louvre is,” said Alcorn dryly. “Believe it or not, I even know what the Louvre is.” He took a bite of lasagna before continuing. “Congratulations son, that’s quite a coup. What are the paintings?”

“It’s not so much about the actual paintings themselves,” said Theo, the excitement in his voice unmistakable. “It’s about the artist. It’s a collection of works by Raffaello Sanzio, who’s better known as Raphael. It’s an opportunity to study the works of one of the greatest artists in history, up close, and with no restrictions. It’s the chance of a lifetime.”

Alcorn watched his son’s enthusiasm grow with every word he spoke. He watched the young man’s eyes sparkle at the prospect of examining the paintings of some guy who’d been dead for five hundred years. He didn’t understand what it was that drew his son toward the arts, but he understood the compulsion, a desire that is so strong it overrides everything else in your life. That’s what led him into the Army. How could he deny his son that same joy, even if his pursuit was something he himself couldn't understand?

“That’s amazing son,” he said quietly. He reached out and squeezed Theo’s shoulder. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks Dad,” said Theo, a confused look on his face. “I think.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, Dad, that throughout my entire life, you’ve never shown any interest in me or the things I love, so forgive me if I’m a little confused when you suddenly get all excited about my work.”

Alcorn looked down at his mostly uneaten plate of lasagna, trying to keep it together. This is where things always seemed to go south between them. After a moment, he set his fork down looked back up at his son.

“Theo, you hold a Ph.D. in Art History and have gained a level of respect within your field that is unheard of your age. You’re not even thirty yet and are considered one of the foremost art experts on the entire eastern seaboard, if not the whole U.S. of A. And now, you have an opportunity to examine the paintings of Raphael? Now, I don’t know about you, but those sound like pretty damn good credentials to me. So what confuses the hell out of me … what I can’t seem to put my finger on, is why you continue to worry, even one little bit, about what I think. Clearly, I wasn’t the father you think I should have been. Hell, I wasn’t the father I think I should have been, but right now, that’s neither here nor there. You have to stop living in the past, son, and start looking ahead. Theo, you have a bright future ahead of you. Don’t screw it up by letting memories of a past, which neither of us can do anything about, get the better of you.”

He held his son’s eyes for a moment longer, then went back to eating his dinner.

“Now, what’s the latest with you and Cheryl?” said Alcorn, in between bites of lasagna. “The last I heard, the two of you were getting pretty serious.”

“We broke up,” said Theo quietly, not looking up from his plate.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Alcorn. “What happened?”

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

The rest of the meal went on, more or less, in silence, broken up by the occasional attempt by Alcorn or Janny to start a conversation, only to have it quickly and quietly rebuffed by their only son.

“Very good meal, Janny,” said Alcorn finally, pushing away from the table when the last of his plate was clean. “I’m headed out to the barn for a while. Don’t wait up. No telling how long I’ll be out there.”

“No dessert?” asked Janny. “I made bread pudding.”

“No thank you,” said Alcorn, standing up. “I couldn’t eat another bite. I’ll bet Theo will have some though. Your bread pudding was always his favorite.”

Theo didn’t say a word, but remained quietly looking down. Alcorn walked out of the room, grabbing his jacket on the way outside. The cold night air felt good after the stuffiness of the dining room.

What the hell was that?
He thought as he walked toward the barn.
What were you thinking? You’re supposed to be trying to fix things with Theo, not make things worse.

“What the hell was that?” came a voice from behind, echoing his own thoughts. If he hadn’t known his wife so well, the voice might have startled him. He turned back to see Janny standing by the back door, hands on her hips. “I thought you were going to talk to him, not give him one of your standard lectures and then clam up.”

“Janny, I’m not in the mood,” he said. He turned and started back toward the barn.

“Don’t you walk away from me, Teddy,” said Janny, coming closer. “I want to know just what in the hell you plan to do to make things right with your son?”

Alcorn turned back to face his wife, a flood of emotions threatening to erupt from where they boiled incessantly, just below the surface of his well-practiced façade.

“Janny, I meant what I said in there. As much as I might want to, I can’t change the past. I can’t go back in time and become a better father to that little boy. He’s gone. But the man he’s become has so much potential, I can’t even imagine. But he has to let go of his anger toward me and everything he blames me for. It’s time for him to start realizing that what he’s already accomplished, he did in spite of my poor parenting and that he can do so much more, if only he will let go.”

Janny frowned back at her husband.

“That sounds like nothing but a big cop-out, if you ask me,” she said. She immediately held her hands up to ward off any response. “Be that as it may, I’m not going to argue that point with you right now. We’ve gone down that road too many times to spend any more energy on it tonight. What I am wondering, though, is why you didn’t ask him to take a look at Henry’s paintings while he’s here? I thought you were at least smart enough to get his help on that?”

“He has his new project at the University, the Raphael study. Did you see how excited he was? I don’t want to take him away from that.”

“I saw,” she said, giving him a look that made him think he might be more in the clear with her than she was letting on. “But how would you be taking him away from that project if he looks at Henry’s paintings while he’s here? It’s not like he’d be giving up one for the other.”

Now it was Alcorn’s turn to give his wife a look.

“I may not know much about art, but I do know you, and Theo, better than you might think. I watched you while you were examining Henry’s paintings and I know for a fact you did more than just glance over them for a few minutes before going back into the house to work on something else.”

Janny looked away.

“Janny, look at me. How many hours did you spend looking at Henry’s paintings?”

Janny turned back and met Alcorn’s eyes.

“I don’t know … maybe ten or so.”

Alcorn frowned and tilted his head, but didn’t break eye contact.

“Okay, okay, it was probably more like twenty … five … or thirty … maybe more.”

“There you have it,” said Alcorn. “If you spent that much time, how much more do you think Theo would? One project would, in fact, force him to give up the other. I won’t put him in that position … and neither will you.”

Janny reached up and put her arms around her husband.

“I love you, Teddy.”

“I mean it, Janny. Do not say anything to Theo about the paintings.”

“I won’t, I promise. Now kiss me before I freeze to death out here.”

Theo watched his mom leave the room, chasing after his dad, just as she’d done countless times throughout his childhood. Without knowing how it happened, he was suddenly that helpless ten-year-old boy again, distraught over disappointing his father, yet again, and angry for having to try and live up to standards he knew he could never meet.

He shook the thoughts from his head and pushed his chair back. For once, the old bastard was right. It was time to stop living in the past and start looking ahead.

If I leave right now,
he thought as he stood up and turned toward the door,
I can be back in the city by midnight.
He tossed his napkin on the table and started for the door.

“Theo, where are you going?”

Dammit.

He turned back to face his mother, who was setting a large baking dish of bread pudding on the table.

“Mom, I’m sorry, but I can’t stay,” he said. “Something’s come up and I have to get back tonight.”

“Theo, sit down and have some dessert with me …” she said as if she hadn’t heard a word he’d said.

“Mom … look, I’m sorry. I know how much you want Dad and me to … connect, or whatever, but it’s not gonna happen. For once, I happen to agree with him. It’s time to start looking forward instead of back, and that means I need to go. I’m sorry, Mom, I really am.”

“Are you finished?” She was giving him one of her ‘you may be finished, but I’m just getting started’ kinda looks.

“Umm … yeah, I guess so.”

“Good, now sit down and have some dessert. Another ten minutes with your mother before you leave isn’t going to kill you.”

Theo did as he was told and sat back down, while his mother dished up her famous bread pudding.

“Thanks,” he said quietly when she’d handed him a serving.

“You’re welcome. Now, would you mind explaining why you’re in such a big hurry to leave that you weren’t even going to tell me goodbye?”

Theo ducked his head as he was being scolded, but it lasted only for a moment when he realized he was no longer that ten-year-old boy.

“Tonight, this whole meal, it’s like nothing has changed” he said, looking up at his mother, defiant tears forming in his eyes. “Dad with the lecture first, followed by the cold silent disregard right before he leaves, then you running out after him. It’s just like it was when I was a kid.”

His mom started to interrupt, but he kept going.

“Dad was right. I don’t need this crap anymore. I love you, Mom. You know that I do and I always will. But you don’t need to chase after him anymore on my account. He’s part of my past, and like he said, I need to look forward. I can’t do that if I’m constantly seeking his approval. I’m never going to get it, so I need to stop chasing after it. I’m done with him.”

“Theo, I wish you wouldn’t say that.”

“I know that’s not what you want to hear, Mom, but it just can’t go on like it has. I can’t go on like that.”

“No, I don’t suppose you can. But, your father wasn’t right about everything, or at least your interpretation of what he said wasn’t right.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Theo …” His mom stopped and rubbed her forehead, while she took in a deep breath and let it out. He’d seen her do this before, usually when she was worried about something very important.

“Mom? What is it?”

She looked up at him and smiled.

“Theo, I don’t know if you realize this or not, but as much as you take after me, you are just as much your father’s son as you are mine. You are two of the most stubborn men I have ever known.”

Theo ducked his head again.

“Hey, I stayed for dessert,” he said, a small grin on his face. “There’s no need to be rude.”

He looked up at her again. She wasn’t smiling.

“Mom, seriously, what’s going on?”

“Your father was right, in the sense that to continue dwelling on the past does you no good. But, if you interpreted that as meaning that he wants you to move on with your life without him in it, then you missed the point.”

“So, he just expects me to forgive and forget? I’m not sure I can do that, Mom.”

“I don’t know about forgiving and forgetting, but at least cut him enough slack for the two of you to figure out how to move forward.”

Theo thought for a moment.

“I’m willing to do that,” he said finally, “but I doubt he is. I mean, how am I supposed to go forward when he doesn’t approve of anything in my life?”

His mom stared at him with her mouth agape. He’d stepped into something this time, he just wasn’t sure what.

“Theodore Eustace Alcorn, Junior!” she said. “Were you not at the same dinner table I was at this evening? Did you not hear your father talk about his son with the doctorate in art history? His son, who was one of the foremost art experts on the entire east coast? His son who was going to have the rare chance to examine some of Raphael’s paintings up close? I don’t know who you were listening to, but the man I heard speaking not only approved of what you do, but seemed pretty damned proud.”

Theo stared at his mother as he processed all she’d just said. As he thought about it, he did say all of those things, that’s just not how he’d heard them. His father hadn’t really meant them like that, had he?

“Theo? Theo, are you still with me?”

“Why’d you go running after him?” he said suddenly, coming out of his daze.

At this, his mom looked down and ate another bite of dessert.

“Mom? Clearly there’s more to this than you’re telling me. What the hell is going on?”

“Theo, I’ve watched you and your father struggle for nearly thirty years and I know just how much both of you hurt. Yes, both of you. He hurts too, Theo. More than he’d ever want you to know. More than that, though, I also know a lot more about what your father does for a living than you might guess, a lot that’s classified and I can’t talk about. About the only thing I can say, is that he needs your help, Theo. He’s struggling with something big, really big, and it involves your area of expertise.” She looked around the room. “That’s all I can say … it’s probably more than I should have said.”