You Were My Crush: Till You Said You Love Me! (12 page)

My internship had started and it had been two days since I had been going to the office. Since I literally owned the place, I really had nothing to do, and I remembered the time Diya had asked me to take the internship seriously, but I had no motivation to do so now. My days were a gigantic mess, cluttered with thoughts and memories of Shaina and Diya, all of them painful.

I sat in my seat and could not decide whether to call up Dad or Shaina, and while Shaina, I knew, would not ever pick up my call, Dad would be dying to receive my call. I called up Dad. It felt somewhat stupid to explain what had happened.

‘Hello?’ I said.

‘Hi, Benoy, everything going fine in office?’

‘Yes, yes. I needed to talk to you about something else.’

‘Tell me.’

‘I was wondering if I could come to your office.’

He said he would be in my office in another two hours or so. As I leaned back into my chair, I wondered how the conversation would go.

‘I know we haven’t talked in the last two decades, but I really love this girl and it’s all screwed up and I want you to straighten this out.’

Or,

‘
The girl I really like is kind of getting engaged, so can you please talk to her parents and ask her to cancel it because I am in love with her. The girl? Yeah, she’s not sure about me. I think she doesn’t think I’m worth ending her two-year-long relationship or fighting with her parents.’

There was a knock on the door. It had not even been an hour and I saw Dad standing outside looking like a high-profile lawyer from a sitcom in his sharply cut suit and shiny black shoes. Not a sidekick, but the
main guy
. I was proud of him. The anger I had for him had slowly melted away after I had seen the contents of the envelope, and though I hadn’t talked to him about it, I was sure he knew I had forgiven him.

‘Hey,’ he said and pulled up a chair. ‘How do you find
your
new office?’

‘It’s a little more than I deserve,’ I said.

‘So? What did you want to talk to me about?’ he asked.

‘Umm. There is this girl …’

‘Shaina?’

‘How do you know?’ I asked. ‘Oh right. You know everything about me. What else do you know? Did you tap my phones? Did you tap hers?’

‘Should I have tapped hers?’ he asked, leaning forward, a twinkle in his eyes, like he was about to snap his fingers
and it would be done, no questions asked. God! He was cool.

‘No, it’s fine,’ I said.

Then I started speaking, and he hung on to every word as I narrated the entire story. Dad nodded his head from time to time and asked questions about Shaina and Diya, almost like making a timeline of events in his head.

‘So? You want me to talk to their parents? I can do that,’ he said. ‘She doesn’t have to get engaged right now. It’s too early for her.’

‘But what would you say?’ I asked.

‘I will say whatever you want me to say,’ he answered.

‘I will let you know,’ I murmured. ‘All of this is so confusing. I don’t even know if Shaina wants me.’

‘Of course she wants you. Who wouldn’t want my son? Look at you. You’re handsome and intelligent. I don’t think she can do better than you. It will be okay,’ he assured me.

I smiled at him. He talked to me about work and office and told me that I could take as much time as I wanted to settle down.

‘I have a really boring meeting with the lawyers. Can I see you later?’ he asked.

‘Yeah, sure. I will be right here, doing nothing,’ I said.

‘Cheer up, Benoy. It will be okay. She will come running after you!’ he said and winked. He left for the meeting.

Later that evening, I lost it and broke down. The hurt was almost physical and I didn’t know what I had to do to make it all go away. My head hurt, and I felt like dying, like, literally dying. I thought of drinking myself to sleep but it would come back the next day. This loss was permanent; it
was never going away. I panicked. Thinking of Manoj and Shaina made me want to kill somebody.

I called up Dad and asked him if he could call Shaina’s father and do something about the situation.

I waited for Dad to call me back. It had been an hour since I had texted him the number. The doorbell rang. It was Dad standing outside, his shoulders drooping, his eyes overflowing with despair, and I knew he had nothing but bad news.

Dad told me that Shaina had known Manoj for five years, and they had been in a relationship for two years. Shaina had told him that they were in love, and both their families were happy with the decision they had made. She had added that she never loved me, and wanted me to stay away from her.

Her parents asked Dad and his disgraceful son, me, to never call anyone in their family again; they even threatened to file a police complaint against my dad and me. They told him how uncultured I was. They told him that I had not been brought up well because I had grown up in a broken family. They called Dad names and told him that he had
been a bad father and a damaging influence on me. They called him vile and uncouth. I felt sorry for Dad; he didn’t need to bear the assault for my mistakes.

‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know they would say so much.’

‘You want me to stay. We can drink it away if you want to.’

I felt good about him being the kind of
cool dad
that everyone wants, but I knew even drinking wouldn’t solve this.

‘I will be fine. But thank you so much, Dad.’

‘I am sorry I couldn’t make a difference.’

‘You did what you could do,’ I said.

We talked for twenty more minutes. I asked a few more questions and the more I got to know, the more my heart broke. He left, even though he really wanted to stay. But I wanted some time alone.

What was she thinking? One last fling?
The questions kept haunting me all night and in a fit of anger and depression, I called up Shaina, but her phone was still switched off.

Frustrated, I called up Diya. It was probably the fifteenth call that she answered and by this time, I was on the verge of breaking down again.

‘Diya,’ I said, crying. Almost howling.

‘Benoy?’ she said. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Umm …’

‘Are you okay, Benoy?’

‘Should I be okay?’

‘But?’

I disconnected the line.

She called back almost immediately. I disconnected the line once again. I needed someone to talk to, not someone I would have to explain everything to. But she kept calling over and over again.

‘Benoy, can we talk, please?’

‘There is nothing to talk about. You got what you wanted. You wanted me to stay away from her, and see, I am nowhere near her! She doesn’t even want me near here!’

‘Benoy, I really had no idea about how you felt for her.’

‘You DIDN’T? Didn’t I tell you that day like a million times over that I
love
her? Didn’t I? Didn’t I send you over a hundred texts saying the same thing?’

‘But—’

‘What but?’

‘I wasn’t sure! You can’t blame me for it. Both of you didn’t tell me ANYTHING! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, BENOY!’ she shouted.

‘You know, just fuck off. You and your sister, both of you. I don’t need you guys! Just GO AWAY!’ I said and disconnected the line.

She called again and I disconnected the line. She was not helping. I could have done without her. But her incessant calling made me pick up the phone again. It was irritating.

‘Benoy, I am sorry. At least FUCKING LISTEN TO ME. I didn’t know what to do with you guys. Both of you were lying to me! BOTH OF YOU! And how was I to know what you felt for my sister was genuine?’

‘Well, now you know.’

I cut the line and lay back on the couch with both my hands on my head. I just wanted to ask Shaina if she was
so sure about Manoj, why did she encourage me and let me fall in love with her? As I flicked through the pictures of Shaina and me—the two of us smiling—I knew it was real, that both of us felt it and it wasn’t just in my head. I knew I was more than a friend.

I was not ready to accept that the best days of my life were a lie. I loved her. And I would keep doing so. For me, it was real, and it would always be.

I
t was just a crush, get over it!

I lost count of how many times I said this to myself and forcefully smiled. I hoped the next moment would be better, but it just remained the same. I did not want to talk to anyone. Not Diya, not Shaina and not anyone else. I tried hard to be normal. There were days when I totally locked myself in, spent hours crying, but I knew that it was not a solution, so I tried to be normal with everyone. Deb and Avantika had been going through the best phase in their lives. They were engaged now, their families knew and they didn’t have to sneak around to be together.

On the other hand, Shaina had called me a rich, irresponsible brat, who was obsessive, had nothing to do and needed to be reined in.

It was eight in the evening and everyone in the office had left when Dad walked into my office.

‘Are you still working?’ he asked as he came in.

‘Umm … yes,’ I said.

Over the last few days, I had realized the only way I could keep that beautiful
fucking
face out of my mind was by staying in office. I would call her sometimes, from the office lines which were one-way calling, so I could call her, hear her say ‘
Hello
’ over and over again and keep the phone down.

‘Is something wrong?’ he asked.

‘No, what could be wrong?’

‘Benoy, it really doesn’t have to end like this,’ he said. ‘I’m not good with women or relationships, but I think she was pressurized to say what she did.’

‘Dad, I called her up so many times since that day but she told me to stay away. She doesn’t even reply to my texts. She has even changed her number twice,’ I said.

‘Benoy, you can’t just expect her to end her two-year-long relationship with a guy just because she spent three weeks with you. I now know the kind of community she belongs to. It wouldn’t take seconds for people to know that she dated somebody and then broke the engagement. It’s a little too much to ask for,’ he explained. ‘Having said that, I don’t think she deserves what’s happening to her.’

‘I hate her family,’ I said.

‘Not more than me, son. So, not leaving office any time soon?’ he asked.

‘In just a little while.’

He left and I put my head down on the table. I thought the days would get easier as they passed. I hoped I would start hating Shaina for what she had said about me, and
I really thought I would get over it, but it was far from it and I hated it. I leaned back on the chair and looked at the ceiling. I could see her, smiling at me, laughing at me for being such a fool to think that a girl like her would ever love me.

Then there was a knock on the door. It was Deb, and Avantika followed closely behind.

‘Hey,’ Deb said, ‘what’s up, man?’

‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ I asked. ‘Dad asked you to come over, didn’t he? I am fine, guys. You didn’t have to come.’

‘Oh, fuck off, Benoy,’ Deb barked. ‘No one cares about you. We need to use your house.’

‘Is it?’ I asked, sceptical.

‘We actually had to go out, but then the club has no reservations available today, and we don’t want to waste the night,’ Avantika explained.

‘Let me talk to Dad. He will get you in some club, I am sure!’

‘Don’t do that! It will look so bad on us. I really don’t want that,’ Avantika pleaded and made a cute face.

Pretty girls always win arguments. We sat in my car and we left for my place. I tried to be normal; I laughed with them and tried to be as funny as I could because I did not want anyone to worry too much about me; it wasn’t worth it. They asked if things were fine and I nodded. Things were indeed fine; it just felt a little incomplete, like I had been robbed of something.

‘
Oye
, Benoy. A friend of Avantika is coming over, too,’ he said. ‘You wouldn’t mind, right?’

‘Oh please! Don’t tell me you are setting me up with somebody. I really don’t need this right now.’

‘We are not trying to set you up,’ Deb said.

‘Fuck off,’ I barked.

Avantika continued, ‘We just told her that you’ve been single for long and you are extremely nice. And then, she wanted to meet you! Honest. She saw you on Facebook. It’s not really our fault.’

‘But why, Avantika? I am all right! You don’t need to do all this.’

‘Oh, c’mon. Don’t be such a prick. Give her a chance at least,’ she said. ‘Maybe you will like her!’

‘You didn’t have to do this. I am sorry, but I think she will be very bored today. She will have the worst day of her life today and she will hate the two of you for it,’ I said.

‘Ohh, c’mon! Two drinks down your throat and you will tie her to your bed!’ Avantika said. ‘We all know you well.’

‘Maybe
not
,’ I said.

We reached my place and waited for her to turn up. Avantika got busy in arranging the house, putting things where they should have been, while Deb and I got ourselves a couple of beers.

‘So, it was your idea? Why don’t you get it, man? I don’t even know what I will say to this girl. This is so screwed up,’ I ranted.

‘I swear it was Avantika’s idea. She still thinks that you will get over it. And this was another one of your flings.’

‘And you know it’s not?’

‘I don’t know what it was, but it was certainly not a fling for you. Girls as pretty and smart as her … you don’t
ever find them again,’ he said in hushed tones. I was glad he understood.

Soon the bell rang and Avantika went to get it; I was already bored and Deb asked me to stop rolling my eyes. A girl dressed in hideous loose clothes and a pair of spectacles straight out of hell walked in.

‘Hi, Benoy,’ she said.

‘Diya? What on earth are
you
doing here?’ I asked, shocked.

‘I came to see you,’ she said.

‘Ummm … I should be so angry right now,’ I said. ‘Ideally I should kill you.’

‘Oh bullshit. I know you can never be pissed at me for long,’ she quipped. We hugged each other. ‘I missed you, Benoy.’

‘I missed you more,’ I said, ‘even though you’re one of the evil sisters who totally wrecked my life.’

‘At least I am the pretty one!’ she said.

We laughed and then we cried.

‘I didn’t think I would miss you so much!’ she said.

‘I missed you more!’ I said. ‘Trust me. I hated you more than I missed you, but I did miss you a lot.’

We all had a little laugh. The pizza Avantika had ordered suddenly tasted better.

‘So,’ Avantika asked Diya, ‘Benoy isn’t all that bad, is he?’

‘Now, don’t embarrass me. I really didn’t mean any harm. She is my sister after all. Moreover, I didn’t think he was bad. I just thought he was not right for my sister.’

‘We don’t blame you,’ Deb said. ‘But what’s with your sister? No offence though! I really don’t buy that Benoy stalked her.’

‘I am sure she has a reason for whatever she said that day,’ I said.

‘Oho?’ Avantika butted in. ‘After all this, still defending her, Benoy? You’re so gone, man.’

‘I don’t mind being in love with her, Avantika.’

‘I am sorry, Benoy,’ Diya said again.

‘It’s okay, Diya. I screwed up. There’s nothing you could have done.’

‘Benoy?’ Deb asked me. ‘Don’t you want to at least ask what was going through Shaina’s head? What was she thinking?’

‘I don’t want to complicate her life. And really, she never explicitly said that she loved me, so it’s fine. I am sure her guy is nice and she will be happy with him. I think he’s ugly as shit, but then it’s okay. I also wish he gets run over by a truck.’

‘Or gets stuck inside heavy machinery and gets torn apart!’ Deb said, excitedly.

‘Or drowns!’ Avantika added. ‘I am sure your dad can manage this.’

‘I’m sure he can,’ Diya said. ‘I just heard he bought half of the United States and a third of Great Britain. Is that right?’

‘Ha ha, very funny,’ I retorted. ‘But is she happy with Manoj?’ I had not seen her update her blog or upload pictures of her sketches; I wondered if her parents had let the steam off her a little bit.

‘Benoy, the only reason why Manoj told his parents was because Shaina told him about you. He was just jealous and furious and he felt cheated,’ Diya said.

‘But Shaina agreed to the engagement, right?’ I asked.

‘She should have been happy that her boyfriend of two years finally told her parents, but all she has done is cry,’ Diya explained.

‘It’s okay for him to be possessive. Maybe he panicked. But I am sure she loves him,’ I said.

Deb interrupted and said, ‘I am sure it was Manoj who had put the words into Shaina’s mouth. That bastard.’

‘That could be true. I know my sister and she is not like that. She cannot be this rude,’ she said. ‘And, Benoy, even if Shaina loves you, she won’t tell you; she can’t. My parents are already not talking to her. Can you even imagine what would happen?’

‘So what now? We just sit here and do nothing?’ Avantika asked.

‘Yes, that’s what we are going to do. Nothing is going to come out of this discussion. This is stupid,’ I said. ‘Don’t give me hope because there isn’t any.’

‘Benoy,’ Diya said, ‘the only reason why I came here was because I had started believing in you. And I really think that if there is anybody who should be with her, it’s you. Don’t let me down now.’

‘That’s sweet of you, but I don’t know what she feels for me, Diya. For all you know, she hates me now,’ I said.

‘We will see,’ she said and smiled at me.

I had reasons to get drunk that night.

Diya was confident that there was some place in Shaina’s heart for me. That was reason enough for me to be happy. I had to make a physical effort to stop myself from dreaming and thinking about the day when Shaina and I would be together again. I felt extremely cheesy, when I automatically
replaced the imaginary guy (Manoj!) in the engagement, and I could see Shaina and me exchanging rings and smiling at each other, kissing each other. The daydream sequence kicked all my other daydreams’ asses pretty bad!

I talked a lot about Shaina that night; the play of her name,
Shaina
, on my lips felt like heaven.