Yesterday's Heroes (Consortium of Chaos Book 1) (37 page)

Cynic’s eyes narrowed and his smirk
waivered for an instant.  “Well, thanks for that warning then, Kass.  Guess I’ll
just have to kill you before you ever get the chance.  If you know what I can
do though, then you should know better than anyone else here that you
REEEEEEALLY
don’t want to fuck with me.”  His smile returned.  “So, why don’t you just calm
yourself down, go back to threatening your sparkly moth, and forget all about
making desperate pleas for me to
kill you.”

Psycho-Delic put down his bong.  “Yeah,
Kass.  You totally need to chill dude.”

Tyrant glared at him.  “Shut your
mouth, hippie.  We had wastrels like you in my homeland; but then I had them
all
executed! 
No matter how many dimensions I visit, you’re unemployed
in
EVERY FUCKING ONE!”

OverDriver frowned.  “Ya killed,
Wastrel?  That chick who did that hair thing?  Why’d ya go do that?  She was
awesome.”

Tyrant rolled his eyes.  “Not
‘Wastrel,’ you ignorant redneck; w
astrel.
”

OverDriver’s frown deepened.  “Huh?”

Tyrant pointed a gloved finger at
him.  “That’s it; you’re
next
on my list of targets come the
Day of Days
. 
First Cynic, then
YOU.
”

Holly jumped onto the table and
marching across it towards Cynic.  “Where the hell do you get off, Steven?”

He scoffed.  “I don’t know what
you’re talking about.  It wasn’t ME that executed that bitch.  Talk to trans-dimensional
‘King Friday’ and ‘Tinker-Hostage’ over there.”

She pointed an angry gloved finger
at him.  “No, I mean you sitting around mentally undressing me!?!  How about
some office decorum!  That’s sexual harassment!  Hostile workplace environment,
dickhead!”

His mouth fell open.  “’Hostile
workplace?’  We’re fucking SUPER-VILLAINS, you psycho!  Listen to the words,
Honey.  Hostile’s what we do!  You can give me all that feminist girl-power
shit you want, but when you come down right to it, every conversation I’ve ever
HAD with you, or any of the
other
women here involved me thinking about
what you all look like naked.  Hell, I’m doing it
right now
!”  He
suddenly appeared terrified and his head whipped over to look at Megaris.  “…Except
for Meg of course.  I would never DREAM of disrespecting her like that, as
she’s far too magnificent for…umm…nakedness…or whatever…  Although, I’m sure if
she
did
decide to get naked, she’d look…ummm…”  His face contorted into
a frown as he visibly ran through everything he knew about the female mind,
searching for something that was
guaranteed
to sooth the other woman’s
potential rage.  “…not
AT ALL
fat.”  A look of triumph passed over his
face at what he obviously thought was expert handling of the situation.  

Wyatt sighed.  “Why does your
father allow this kind of thing to go on?”  He turned his head to see the
Commodore playing some sort of war simulation game on his laptop while
listening to an iPod, and paying absolutely no attention to the goings on. 
“Ah.  Never mind.” 

A gingerbread man flew across the
space and hit Cynic in the side of the head.  He turned in search of the person
who had thrown it, and glared at Troubadour, who was then promptly tackled to the
ground by Poacher again.

Cynic shook his clenched fist at
the struggling men.  “That better not have been MY cookie, Gabe!  I mean it! 
We don’t ALL get two of them!

Dysphoria put her head down on the
table and started crying.  “NO!  That cookie was MINE!  And now I have
nothing! 
NOTHING!  Gone…all gone…”

Overdriver threw his beer can at
Troubadour.  “Goddammit, son!  Now ya got Natasha cryin’!  AGAIN!  Ya couldn’t
a’thrown someone ELSE’S cookie at that prick?  I gotta sit next to her, ya asshole!
”
 
He took off his trucker hat and threw it across the room in agitation.  “
Sonnavabitch!”

Jamie sighed.  “The Narrator could
already see where this conference was headed, and prepared himself for another
long
, long
day.”

Holly ignored them and tried to
kick at Cynic again.  “Asshole.  I don’t know why you always have to be so
disagreeable.”

He shrugged and wiped the crumbs
off his shoulder.  “Sweetcakes, some dogs bite their enemies, I bite my friends
to
save
them.  I’m trying to help you here.  I’m telling you shit that
you need to know.”

Guilt-Trip stood up and pushed himself
between Cynic and the table.  “You hurt Holly’s feelings and are behaving very
poorly, Steven.  You are her friend, and she shouldn’t have to feel
self-conscious around you merely because she is physically attractive.  You
have no interest in her as a potential partner, even if that were offered, so
this will not alleviate your current feelings of loneliness and frustration. 
Thus, your behavior is entirely pointless, and hurtful to your platonic working
relationship.  I think if you stop and really think about what you’re doing
here, you’ll see that the fault is yours, and you should apologize.”

Cynic pushed him.  “Fuck you TOO,
Marshall!  I don’t need my head shrunk right now.  I never said I wanted to
MARRY her; just see her naked.  Shit, I want to see
EGYPT
, but that
doesn’t mean I want to
MOVE
there or anything.”  He paused as if a new
thought had just occurred to him.  “Speaking of which, I assume you’ve all
either heard the news or have been turned into a ‘pod person’ by wonderboy
already…”

Wyatt made an aggravated sound.  “I
thought I was some sort of mind-controller, now I’m what?  An alien?  And
replacing you all with replicants?”

Cynic eyed him suspiciously.  “I
seen the
Freedom Squad
movie, okay?  I
KNOW
you’re an alien.  It
was all
right there
on the screen.  And it’s the only
possible
explanation
why Harlot would ever touch you, when the rest of us find you so revolting. 
You’ve turned her into a Pod People, and are now controlling her like the sick
fucking puppetmaster you are, you sick fucking puppetmaster.”  He cleared his
throat.  “Now then…where was I?  Oh yes…so, I think we should all vote on
whether or not they should see each other.”   

Wyatt rolled his eyes, laughing
over the absurdity of the situation.  “We are
not
going to have a vote
on our private lives, Steven.”

Cynic ignored him.  “All in favor?”

Wyatt watched her as she put her
hand in the air. 

“Or, I guess we are.”  His hand
immediately shot up too.  “I vote ‘yes’.”

Cynic counted the raised hands and
nodded.  “Okay, looks like the motion passes by a
narrow
margin.  They
can date…
for the time being
.”

Wyatt nodded sarcastically. 
“Thanks.  I’m thrilled we have your permission to live our own lives, guys.”

Amity beamed, obviously overjoyed
by the news.  “I think we should
celebrate
their love.”

“Hurraaaay.” Enmity, Cynic,
Vaudeville, Gurrier, Poacher and Tyrant chorused in unison, in absolutely
deadpan voices.  Troubadour pulled a party favor from his pocket, and blew into
it, producing a shrill noise as the festive multicolored paper snaked out.

Amity looked delighted, apparently
thinking that they were serious.  “Awww…how sweet.  Isn’t it nice when we can
all share these moments together?”

Cynic nodded.  “Absolutely.  We
should do this more often.  Theirs is a love that needs constant support…because
we all know that it’s
doomed
.  I think we should have a bachelor party.”

Holly raised her hand.  “But they
aren’t getting married.  They’re just dating.”

“So?”  Cynic sounded genuinely
confused.  “When did I say that wonderboy was even
invited?
”

The conversation suddenly had
Poacher’s full attention despite the fact that he was still fighting Gabe. 
“Would there be strippers?” 

Marian shook her head.  “The
Accounting Department will not authorize any expenditure for such a party to be
taken on Consortium credit.”

Cynic rolled his eyes.  “Jesus,
you’re such a stick in the mud, Libs.  Besides, we don’t need to hire a stripper. 
We got a room full of villainesses, right?  I mean,
everyone
knows that
half the fucking reason to become a super-villain in the first place is because
of all the hot immoral women you get to work with and leer at.  We can just get
one of
you
all to entertain the rest of us at the party.  I think that’s
a
great idea
.  You’re practically MADE for the job!
 
I mean
,
name
me one fat super-broad?  Hero or villain.”

Vagrant looked up from his
newspaper.  “Have you seen The Cheerleader lately?  That child needs to cut
down on those after game snacks.  And that preposterous leotard?  I don’t know
how
she manages to pour a gallon of ass into a quart sized container like that. 
It’s positively
overflowing.
”

Cynic glared at him.  “I guess I’m
just not a chauvinist like you then, Preston.  All I see is a beautiful young
woman who has more curves to love.”  He shook his head in disgust at the other
man.  “It’s assholes like
you
who give sexy women eating disorders. 
Show some respect for their sexy fucking curves, you sexist pig!”  He turned
his attention back to Guilt-Trip and Holly.  “I mean, they’re villainesses,
right?  Of
COURSE
they have no problem with nudity and sex.  If they
were fucking NUNS and believed in goodness and morals and shit, they wouldn’t work
here in the first place, am I right?  They’d be off doing all that hero stuff. 
They’d be
great
strippers!  Name me ONE chick on this job who DOESN’T
already
wear something skintight and revealing that showed off her goodies?  Huh?  Bet
you can’t.”

Guilt Trip pointed at Amity, and Cynic
scowled.  “Amy doesn’t count, ‘cause she’s
basically
the same person as
Emily, and
Season of the Bitch
over there barely wears clothes, at all. 
Thus, if you average the two of them out, instead of a girl dressed as an Amish
Martha Washington and a girl dressed as
Sabrina the Teenage Cheap-Tijuana-Prostitute
,
you have ONE villainess in merely
sexy
clothes.”

Amy smiled at him.  “You say the most
amusing things, Cynic.  I’m so thankful for your friendship.”

Emily glanced over at him and
straitened her witch’s hat. Then waited a moment until he was slightly closer
to her chair, hauled back her fist and punched him in the groin.  Hard.  Cynic howled
in pain and doubled over, swearing.  Emily looked down at her nails to make
sure she hadn’t chipped one, and then returned to ignoring the conversation,
apparently satisfied that she had made her point.

Guilt-Trip next looked at Librarian
and Cynic’s eyes followed him, still gasping for breath.  “No…no fair bringing
Libs into this, you fuck.  She…she doesn’t count either.  Marian has got to be
a lesbian, and only here because of the scores of aforementioned loose sexy
woman.  Either that, or she’s just so frigid that I’m surprised that Holly’s
‘dad’ didn’t build his workshop on top her, thinking she was the North Pole.”

Holly’s voice went up an octave.  “NOW
you’re going to bring my
DAD
into this!?!  Do you want ME to punch you
too!?!”

He ignored her.   “As much as I
think we’d ALL enjoy seeing that,” Wyatt picked up the agenda.  “…perhaps we
should continue with the discussion of the missing doomsday device, before this
city is turned into
Chernobyl
.”

Hazard carefully shaved off another
strip of wood from his newest creation.  “That wasn’t my fault.  I warned those
Russian fuckers what would happen if they pushed me.”

Cynic talked right over both of them
as if he were the only one speaking.  “It’s not like it’s JUST me who’s having
nasty thoughts here.  If we got you gals to dance at the party, I
guarantee
that there would be a huge crowd there.  We’re adults and we ALL have urges and
desires, I’m just the only one who’s man enough to admit them.”  He pointed at
Wyatt.  “How about you, wonderboy?  You man enough to admit it?”

Wyatt turned in his chair to look
at Harlot.  “Absolutely, Steven.  I have found that around a certain woman, I
have
all kinds
of nasty thoughts.”  His hand slipped under the table to
slide up her leg.

She swatted him away, laughing.

Holly scoffed.  “I can’t speak for
the rest of the villainesses, but I can assure you that I have NEVER desired to
get naked with coworkers.”  She paused.  “Well, not since that time when I was
a teenager and the elves and I got into the good eggnog and then…”

Oversight stood and opened his
mouth to say something. 

Cynic’s head whipped around to pin
him with an incredulous glare.  “WHAT THE FUCK, Dude?  Come on!  You don’t have
a goddamn thing to say all meeting, silent as a fucking ghost over there this
ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, and now you’re going to interrupt THIS story?  THIS
ONE!?!  What in the holy hell could possibly be so fucking goddamn pressing
that you need to say it RIGHT NOW before Holly’s hot elf orgy anecdote was
over!?!  THAT’S JUST…THAT’S JUST…”  He made an aggravated sound, his hands
balling into fists.  “
I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!”

Oversight took a step back as Cynic
started to charge at him.  Guilt Trip grabbed hold of Cynic’s arm and
restrained him from harming the other man.

Lord Sargassum’s hand went up.  “I
can raise an army from the depths of the deepest ocean, who would not feel…”

Cynic’s temper snapped and he whirled
around, cutting him off.  “ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN MUTANT FISH-PERSON ARMY,
Julian! 
CHIRST! 
I swear to fucking God, for the last ten years, that’s
been your solution to
every goddamn problem
we’ve had.  We need to crush
the military and impose our own dictatorship?  Fish-people.  Have to deploy our
satellite?  Fish-people.  Out of milk and someone needs to go to the store? 
Fish-people
. 
It’s NOT going to HAPPEN! 
GIVE IT UP!”