Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (35 page)

UDGD turns to the others with a look of
regret on his face.

“I... Damn I’m-”

“It’s okay, Graveman. I wouldn’t have
backed down either,” HTO says with a mild smirk. SISY
nods.

“Yeah, friend. It’s been... I wouldn’t
rather die any other way than with you all,” SISY says scratching
his chin, a little embarrassed to admit something like that. IMRM
just turns his head to Mr. Honkers, who nods, and steps
forward.

“Yo, scrub-dweeb,” Honks says, crossing
his arms. Chaos grins.

“I certainly hope you are not referring
to m-”

“You bet I am, nerd-butt,” he
interrupts, afro defiantly firm. Chaos laughs.

“I presume by this you want me to go
ahead and kill you all?”

“Noob, don’t you know who I
am?”

“Hmm, I cannot say I do. You would not
happen to be Royal Knight Order, would you? It has been awhile
since I have seen her, so-... Oh wait, she is a female, my
apologies, little man,” Chaos says with as joyous an expression as
when he told them he would kill them all.

“Pffft! My name is Mr. Honkers! The
smartest man alive!” Honks presents with a boldness even more
audacious than his usual. HTO and SISY can’t help but snicker.
Chaos strokes his abyssal chin in thought.

“Oh, are you?” Chaos rubs his edged
chin.

“
Yeah obvs, why else would
the O.E.L. hire my d- uh, me to do research in the countermeasures
committee at the lowest level of the science institute? Lowest
means most-important, by the way. I hope you’re ready to taste the
full force of the O.E.L.’s combined scientific research for the
past two decades!” Honks threatens as he brandishes the remote,
twirling it in his hand with surprising dexterity. Chaos laughs,
glowing jaws set wide with what seems to be limitless
confidence.

“You are O.E.L., then? My my, I am
afraid I absolutely must kill you then,” he says in a tone that
chills even UDGD’s hardened bones. Mr. Honkers scoffs, as if he
were looking at a kitten that had just tripped in an adorable
manner.

“That’s right! I’m of the Omniverse
Expeditionary Librarium, and you’re about to regret dealing with
me, their #1 operator!” he threatens and boasts with a powerful
swaying of his afro. Chaos raises his fists. A relaxed calmness The
Overlord as he speaks again.

“So be it. Fight me with all you have.
I will give you all the grace of thirty seconds to prepare
yourselves, surrender, commit suicide, or run, quite up to you,
though death will be the outcome of each decision,” He Who Destroys
Castles with His Bare Fists explains to the five.

UDGD solemnly, wearily prepares his
grip on his axe, hoping that everything he heard about Chaos proves
to be simply exaggerated rumors. SISY gladly raises his sword,
ready for another fight. IMRM, wounds unbleeding, goes into stand
with his scythe. Honks, with a completely confident expression
simply points the small device towards Chaos as his thumb brushes a
button on the device in anticipation. HTO’s legs are visibly
shaking from weakness and fear, and seriously contemplates
betraying the others and telling Chaos that he’s not with them. He
decides, instead, to fight with his allies in what should be their
glorious final battle.

The thirty seconds pass, and Chaos
nods.

“The time has come, what might your
decision be?” he asks politely. The group spares a quick glance at
each other, and then back at Chaos.

“We’re going to kick your ass,
ya’dweeb,” Mr. Honkers says with a wry grin. The Lord of
Swordsmanship shrugs.

“So be it. Tell your designated Death I
said ‘hi’,” Chaos says, referring to the multiple Grim Reapers that
harbor souls to various afterlives under the watchful eye of the
Mysterious Death Committee. Chaos rushes forward, arms poised to
punch them into oblivion.

CHAPTER THIRTY: XTREME MANLY MAN
FORCE OF INTENSE PHILOSOPHY (AKA: TACTICAL RETREAT)

Chaos soars at them, expecting only two
or three punches required to kill all five of them.

ENGAGE!

Mr. Honkers quickly presses the trigger
button for his device, and Chaos disappears into thin
air.

VICTORY!

As the others pause in disbelief, Honks
spins the small device around in his hand and then blows off the
top, as if it were a smoking gun; he then makes his way down the
steps, towards the exit. UDGD pauses for a second more, his brow
twitching in confusion, and then speaks.

“What the hell?” UDGD stares
dumbfoundedly. Mr. Honkers huffs condescendingly, with the most
annoying smile UDGD’s ever seen on a person’s face.

“Oh, Ultra Dweeb Scrubman Dweeb Dweeb
Dweeb, when will you learn that I always have the situation under
control. Not even the mighty Chaos could stand to the O.E.L.’s most
recent advancement in technology: dimensional-law denial,” Honks
says with a shrug as he laxly motions to IMRM to pick up the body
of the ancient hero.

“Yeah? An’ what’s that?” UDGD asks,
steeling himself for the nigh-unbearable monologue that is
guaranteed to ensue.

“Ha! Yeah, well it’s pretty
complicated, and I’m not sure if a noob like you could handle all
the super-complex brain-destroying algor--” Mr. Honkers stops his
planned twenty minute lecture on magi-tech when Chaos punches his
fist out of the fabric of reality, quickly accompanied by the
caught-off-guard Subspace Orchestra, doing their best to churn out
a terrifying cello segment to even slightly portray the fear the
five are feeling at this moment. Chaos pushes his other arm out of
the universe’s wound, and pulls it wide enough for him to step
out.

“Did you really think I could be
manipulated by such a laughable trinket?” Chaos says with a
relaxed, glowing grin and intense, cruel eyes.

“Run,” Honks says with a bluntness the
others have never heard him speak with until now. IMRM, with the
body of the hero over his shoulder, starts down the steps with
Honks, followed by the others, save SISY. Three of them turn around
to get him; the Reader can likely guess with ones. UDGD grasps his
comrade, and does his best to pull him away from the top pedestal
as Chaos gracefully exits the portal and lands without a sound. He
stands and waits patiently to see what they do. Though he said he
would kill them, he would rather take things slow, and enjoy it-
their faces make it worthwhile.

“Come on, you asshole! You can’t beat
‘em!” UDGD yells in his face as HTO and himself do their best to
move the large warrior and his sword. SISY is, as usual in the face
of an intense fight, grinning.

“SORRY, FRIENDS. BUT I CAN’T SAY NO TO
A FIGHT THIS XTREME!”

“You’ll be Xtremely dead if you don’t
come with us, Swordsman! It’s suicide!” HTO exclaims as he goes to
SISY’s front to push as UDGD pulls from behind.

“I KNOW! THAT’S WHY I WANT TO DO IT!”
SISY says with sweaty, manly enthusiasm. HTO rolls his eyes,
groans, and lets up.

“Fine! Enjoy!” he says, valuing SISY,
but not enough to die with him meaninglessly. HTO rushes down the
steps. UDGD stays with IMRM.

“Ace, Ace!” UDGD exclaims with bitter
anger. IMRM stands calmly.

“Yes?”

“Help me!” the Axe-warrior stresses,
pulling with all his might. IMRM nods.

“Very well, you may stop pulling and be
on your way out, Mr. Rick,” the tall, torn enigma says. UDGD spares
one glance at IMRM, and then rushes down the steps. Ace walks up
and looks SISY in the face, turning his back from Chaos.

“Mr. Swordsman.” IMRM leans
in.

“YEAH?”

“I would request you to go along with
the others and escape.”

“SORRY, FRIEND A TRUE WARRIOR OF
CRIMLAND COULD NEVER TURN DOWN A FIGHT THIS HARD! ‘IMPOSSIBLE ODDS
FOR BREAKFAST!’ THAT’S WHAT MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME!” SISY exclaims
with a 100% pumped grin, perfectly satisfied with his
reasoning.

“Very well. I request that you stop,
for this moment, being a true warrior of Crimland, and instead help
the others escape. It is what you are most needed to do at this
time.”

“I KNOW, FRIEND, BUT BATTLE IS THE
GREATEST HONOR A-”

“I disagree, Swordsman,” IMRM says
simply. SISY’s grin flinches a moment; he knows he’s about to be
shot down.

“... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

“What I mean is that one would only be
honored should they do something worth honoring. Chaos has fought
in many battles, but all of them were for himself. He may be very
well known, but would you say he is honored by others?” IMRM asks.
Chaos scoffs very lightly, hearing himself used as an example. SISY
pauses a moment, and then answers.

“... No, probably not.”

“That said, you can be honored among
your friends, your allies, by helping where you are needed, rather
than selfishly throwing yourself at an enemy simply for the thrill
of fighting. You do want to be honored, yes?” IMRM explains and
asks. SISY sighs, and nods.

“I do.”

“So, can you join in the
escape?”

“Yes... But, but who will hold Chaos
back?”

“Leave that to me. You know well I am
the best suited for this job, and you must do yours. Will you help
me, my friend?” IMRM asks. SISY says nothing for several seconds
and then his face brightens back up like a spark.

“YOU GOT IT! I WON’T FAIL YOU!” SISY
exclaims with a renewed grin and manly strength.

“Thank you, Swordsman,” the tall, dark
one says to the tan-skinned broadswordsman. SISY wipes what might
be a tear from his eye.

“NO PROBLEM, AND THE NAME’S LAIVOK!”
SISY says as he turns and rushes off to leave IMRM alone with the
King of War.

IMRM, had he a mouth, would smile now
that he knows the names of each and every one of the fine men he
holds company with.

“Oh, how very heart warming,” Chaos
says with a wry, badass smile as IMRM turns to him, “now, are you
ready to ‘hold me back?’ I can promise you it will be even harder
than you have ever imagined a task could be.”

IMRM’s not about to let all of this go
to waste.

“Mr. Chaos,” IMRM addresses
calmly.

“Call me Overlord, please,” the
imposing, anatomically-perfect figure requests.

“Overlord Chaos.”

“Yes?”

“I would request of you that you let us
all go in peace. We don’t want to fight you.”

“Of course, and the problem here is
that I do want to fight you; quite the impasse, really.”

“I would request for your mercy, that
you would let us go, please.”

“Mercy? I cannot say I know where I
left my last batch, but I will be sure to-... Oh. Yes, I cannot do
that for you either,” he says, forgetting momentarily just what
mercy is. “Tell me, are you quite ready to-” Chaos halts his speech
as Ace falls to his knees and bows.

“Why not? These people are good. Humans
are inherently worth sparing, because they are good. Life is
precious, Overlord Chaos,” IMRM says with more passion than he has
ever used in his voice.

“You want me, to spare humans, because
they are ‘good?’ ”

“Yes,” IMRM pleads, face-plate touching
the ground. Chaos pauses a moment, and then laughs with honest
humor.

“Oh, oh my. Those O.E.L. fools
certainly know how to make their minions!”

“What do you mean?”

“Humans, good? Ha! If humans were
inherently good, then tell me, why do they kill each other? If they
truly had command over history like your O.E.L. books say they did,
why do we still have wars?”

“Because of Overlords like you,” IMRM
states honestly, ushering yet another laugh from the
Overlord.

“Overlords? You do not quite seem to
understand. War is something that cannot exist when people are too
oppressed to do anything about it. Overlords have saved far more
lives than taken. If there were no one pushing swords down onto
weaklings, the weaklings would become prideful, and think
themselves kings,” Chaos annunciates, moving his hand about
animatedly as if to help explain his point somehow.

“No, technolo-”

“Your precious science will only create
more tools for humans to obliterate each other with. Look at
yourself, you will be one of the worst.” IMRM begins trembling
after hearing this.

“N-No! I was made to help, to aid, to
create!”

“And destroy, should your human masters
request such of you… Becoming a bit shaken, are we?” Chaos says,
squinting at IMRM with a grin.

“No. You’re wrong. That’s-”

“Perfectly correct. Tell me, how many
times did one of your beloved comrades ask you to heal someone with
that left arm of yours? How many times did they ask you to resolve
their foolish, hilarious disputes? How many times did you have to
save one of them from the other?”

“H-how did you kn-”

“I guessed. When human-like creatures
are in the equation, Evil and Death love to follow along to say
hello,” the Light-Absorbing Lord says with a wide,
terrifyingly-sharp grin. IMRM is silent. “Oh? Could it be that I am
getting through to you? Rather surprised the O.E.L. would allow one
of their mindless creatures to have even a bit of a mind. Do you
realize, then, that humans are not good by nature, but evil? Do you
realize that you will be ordered to kill, far more than to help; to
make war, far more than peace? Evil did not always exist in our
world, but whatever made humans also made the capacity for evil in
the Omniverse. You silly machine, evil is not just something that
pops up in a person’s head after being exposed to certain ideas or
conditions in life. From the moment the very first sentient being
even slightly resembling a human drew its slow, disgusting breath,
so did evil. Humans and evil, they are all the same, and you and I
are both a product of this.”