I finished
packing up my sketchbook and headed for my dorm. Maybe being around people
wasn’t so great after all.
THE CONFRONTATION
Ponytail’s words echoed
through my ears as I trudged through the snow toward Floyd Hall in my black
winter coat and matching pom pom beanie. The sky was gray and snowflakes were
falling lightly down. The weather guy on TV called this a “dusting,” if I
remembered right. I had paid a lot of attention to the local weather when I was
taking a break from school and living with my aunt and uncle. It was just the
right amount of stimulation to get my mind off my mom for a couple minutes.
That had been a relatively pleasant couple minutes at the time.
Walking,
staring at the snowy ground, I realized Ponytail had been right about one
thing—Hunter
was
dating that girl whose mom got murdered. That girl was
also seriously wondering where the hell he was. I needed to talk to Hunter as
soon as possible. Pondering what had happened to him was driving me crazy.
Why had he
left his apartment a mess? Why hadn’t he tried to contact me for days? What was
he doing with his ex-girlfriend? I didn’t expect him to be a mind reader, but
hanging out with your ex-girlfriend when your current girlfriend couldn’t get
in touch with you was obviously going to piss your current girlfriend off.
Especially when she was trying to deal with something terrible.
Why, of
all places, would he be with her at the health center? It was attached to the
college hospital; maybe he was going for a follow-up from some fighting injury.
But why would he be with her? Why not ask
me
to go with him?
Trying to
shake away the worst of my thoughts, I looked up to see the giant metal and
glass complex that was the Arrowhart Medical Complex. I’d been so wrapped up in
my head that I hadn’t realized the complex was on my way back to the dorm.
When I
looked up, I saw a familiar figure. And an unwelcome one.
Hunter was
walking toward me in a weathered brown bomber jacket. Stubble on his face
indicating he hadn’t shaved in a few days and mussed up hair didn’t compromise
his attractiveness. Ada was by his side wearing a black North Face winter coat
that went down past her knees.
She had
her arm around him.
My jaw
dropped as I stopped in place. I was unwittingly reminded of my first boyfriend
coming out of the movie theater with his arm around my best friend. How could
something like this be happening again? Could this day get any worse? A million
questions flew through my mind as I stood there, feeling my limbs freeze over.
Every cold breath in my lungs made me feel closer to throwing up. I wanted to
curl up in a little ball right there in the snow and not move.
Hunter’s
eyes widened when they found mine. He brushed Ada’s arm from his back and
hurried toward me, arms out. “Lorrie, I was just going to text you,” he said.
Ada was trailing a few steps behind him.
“Where
have you been?” I asked, my voice unsteady.
He came
closer and stopped a few feet from me. “Listen, this isn’t what it looks like.”
I’d barely
been able to keep myself together the past week; I’d been crying, sleeping,
failing my classes, missing Hunter when I needed him most . . . So the sight of
Hunter—the man I loved, or thought I loved—threw my emotions into turmoil. He
had been my anchor but now . . . I didn’t know what to think. Overwhelmed,
tears burst from my eyes. “What’s going on Hunter? I needed to talk to you!
Where were you?”
His
features softened further as he looked at me pleadingly. “Lorrie please calm
down.”
My fists
clenched and I stomped my feet, blinking away tears that fell down my cheeks.
“Calm down? Now? Why should I be calm? You’ve disappeared for a week, didn’t
respond to my texts or call, and now I see you with her! I thought
we
were supposed to be a team, why are you with
her
when I don’t know
what’s going on?”
Hunter
opened his mouth to respond, but Ada jumped in front of him before he could get
the words out. “Shut up,” she spat, pointing her index finger at me. “How dare
you? You barely try to find your boyfriend when he’s been gone and then yell at
him the instant you see him? Seriously, a couple of texts? Give me a break. I
would have called the police! You have no right to be screaming at him. He
should be mad at you!”
Mad at
me
?
What? I could barely leave my room for days and just flunked three exams, how
was it my fault? How did she know about the texts, anyway? Was she checking
Hunter’s phone?
“What are
you talking about?” I responded angrily. Knowing that Ada and I had barely
interacted, I struggled to make sense of her aggressive accusations. The time
we’d met at dinner might’ve been awkward but this was ridiculous. Was this what
Hunter was referring to when he said Ada was pushy? “Are you jealous?” I shot
back.
She reared
back for a second before laughing bitterly and turning toward Hunter. “Oh my
god. Are you serious right now? Hunter, what the hell do you see in this girl?
Is it her ability to be a thick-headed moron? Is that what you relate to?”
Hunter
looked conflicted. “Ada, please stop,” he said, his eyes getting softer by the
minute. “Lorrie, we can talk—”
“Stop?”
Ada screeched. Her eyes were darting between Hunter and me wildly. “Stop what?
Trying to look out for you? This girl’s crazy, Hunter. Anyone can see it in two
seconds. I get that you feel sorry for her and everything, but it’s okay to
leave the rescue job to someone else. You have your own shit going on.”
Feel
sorry for me?
What was
she talking about? My face was burning. “Crazy? You don’t even know me! You
think I’m crazy because I want some answers from Hunter?”
She turned
to Hunter—whose face was an uncharacteristic combination of panic and
confusion—and shook her head. “This is impossible.”
“What?” I
snapped, furious heat coursing through my cheeks. “That you’re the other
woman?”
Her jaw
fell open. “Good lord, now this? I should fucking slap you.”
Several
people stopped to look at the source of the commotion we were causing. This was
quickly becoming a scene.
“Ada,
please stop,” Hunter pleaded, looking around. Deep concern was etched into his
expression but he lacked the fervor he had when he knocked out Jimmy for
talking shit about me. Was Ada that important to him? More important to him
than me? “You’re embarrassing all of us.”
I stared,
dumbfounded and in shock. Why wasn’t he defending me? Why was he still by her
side?
“What were
you doing in the health center in the first place?” I asked, trying to regain
my composure though I was on the edge of hysterics. “Did you get hurt from a
fight? Why didn’t you tell me?”
His eyes
were frantic as he looked around at the people who had stopped to gawk—some
didn’t even bother hiding their interest, having their camera phones out and
recording the scene. “I’m sorry, I promise this isn’t what it looks like.”
I threw my
hands up in the air. “I don’t even know what this looks like Hunter! What is
it?”
“Just
wait,” Ada spat. “You’re going to feel like such a bitch when you find out the
truth. You think you’re the only one with problems, Ms. Sob Story? I'm going to
tell her, Hunter. I swear I'm going to tell her."
"NO!
Ada, you can’t do this to me! Not now!” Hunter yelled at her.
Tell me
what? What was Ada going to tell me?
Ada shook
her head in disgust before stomping past me, her shoulder knocking mine in the
process. I stumbled back a few steps, barely keeping my balance on the slippery
concrete.
Hunter’s
eyes looked panicked as they darted between me and Ada. “Lorrie, listen, we
need to talk, but just—just wait okay? I need to talk to Ada first, but I want
to talk to you okay? I—I love you, nothing’s changed, everything's gonna get
back to normal, just let me talk to Ada first."
My vision
was blurry with the hot tears flooding my eyes. “Give me something, Hunter.
Please, don’t leave me with just this.”
I don’t
know if he heard it or not, but Hunter was already hurrying after Ada.
He left
me to go after Ada.
People
were staring at me, waiting to see what I’d do next.
What the hell just
happened?
This was a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I adjusted my
beanie and put my head down, walking the way I’d come, which was the opposite
direction Hunter was walking. My face was already streaked with tears and my
eyes were brimming with fresh ones, but I had to hold it together. Just a
little longer Lorrie. Just a little longer.
I felt the
eyes of the people who had been gawking bore into my back as I hurried away. My
face was flushed with embarrassment; whatever I’d been expecting when I saw
Hunter, total humiliation hadn’t been it. I could practically see the text
messages being sent by onlookers as I slogged through the snow. This was a
gossip gold mine.
Ada had
acted like I’d done something terrible to Hunter. Why did she sound like she
was so sure she had the moral high ground? Instead of her, it was Hunter who
appeared to be panicking. The image of his expression as he snapped his head
around, staring at the people who had stopped to watch, burned in my memory. He
looked like a cornered animal. But why would
he
be so scared when Ada
wasn’t? Was it as simple as him having a conscience and her being born without
one? Why on earth had they been at the health center anyway? Was Hunter sick?
Then why didn’t he tell me?
My jacket
vibrated. Pulling out the phone with fingers that were numb from the cold, I
pecked at the screen angrily to input my password. Suddenly, the phone slipped
out of my hand; I fumbled but couldn’t save it.
I cringed
as I watched it splash into a slush pile. Even though I bent down and snatched
it up immediately, fingers freezing, I knew it was too late. I pressed the
power button repeatedly, but the screen wouldn’t turn on. My precious phone was
toast.
Dammit
.
This is fucking great
.
What was I
going to do now?
I stopped
in my tracks on the sidewalk and stared out across campus. Tomorrow I would be
on a bus to Indiana. My phone was dead but I still really needed to talk to
Hunter. Instead of heading back to my dorm, I decided to head for his place. He
had to come home eventually, and when he did we could have our conversation. We
had a lot to talk about.
We had
been doing so well. How did things get so messed up?
GOODBYE
My heart in my throat, I
walked into Hunter’s apartment and greeted the kittens. At first glance Hunter
wasn’t here. He was probably still dealing with Ada. I took a big breath and
crouched down to the kittens’ level, wondering how long it would take him to
get home. The incident in front of the health center still had me shaken up.
Taylor ran
up to me and rubbed the length of her body against my leg. Her large blue eyes
looked up at me affectionately. I gave her some pets on the chest, her favorite
spot, and her eyes closed as she purred her approval.
I scooped
her up and walked to the living room. Taylor looked around curiously at her new
surroundings. The two of us plopped down on the couch and waited.
And
waited. And waited. I kept feeling for my phone before remembering it was dead.
Taylor squirmed around a bit before falling asleep on my lap. After I’d sat
there for around thirty minutes I reached for the remote control—careful not to
wake up the sleeping kitty on my lap—and turned on the television. Bravo was
running a marathon of
The Millionaire Matchmaker
, and I watched that for
a couple hours. Taylor continued to sleep in peace, blissfully unaware of the
shit going on between me and Hunter.
As the
episodes and hours piled on, confusion turned to frustration. It was ten
o’clock and the light outside had turned dark. I’d been sure he’d be home by
now. My stomach was starting to growl, having not eaten for hours. Where the
hell was he? He couldn’t still be with Ada, right? What did “I want to talk to
you” mean to him, anyway?
I felt
isolated sitting in his living room while he wasn’t there. For the hundredth
time, I wished my phone was working. Not being able to get in touch with people
made me feel helpless.
I couldn’t
sit waiting forever, and I definitely wasn’t falling asleep at his place—my bus
was leaving tomorrow morning. If he didn’t come back to the apartment soon, I
was going to have to leave.
Leave Studsen without having talked to Hunter.
My
stomach dropped. The frustration that had been building inside of me began to
turn to dread.
What if I
had to leave before he came home? It was unlikely that I’d have time to track
him down tomorrow; I didn’t have a phone and my bus was leaving at nine in the
morning. Besides, even if I wanted to track him down, would I even be able to?
He had disappeared for a week before I saw him today and now he was nowhere to
be found again when he promised me that we would talk. Hunter was getting more
unreliable every minute he didn’t show up at his own apartment.
I was
petting Taylor in my lap when a sudden wave of nausea hit me like an oncoming
bus.
If I leave Studsen, I may never pet Taylor again
.
Hunter had
been with Ada; I was in his apartment, maybe for the last time; my stepfather
had sent me that letter; I failed my semester; my parents were dead; the man I
loved was flaking out on me again and everything was turning to shit. Again.
The weight
of everything came crashing down on me like a pile of heavy stones. I suddenly
felt incredibly nauseous. After hastily putting Taylor to the side, I sprinted
on shaky legs for the bathroom so I wouldn’t vomit on the living room floor.
Thankfully, I made it to the toilet. I held my hair back and threw up until my
guts were empty.
Sitting on
the floor hunched over the toilet, ragged, I had a moment to think.
This is awful.
I couldn’t handle this. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t keep
burying my problems and hoping they would go away with time—it would kill me.
A sound
came from the bathroom door as it slowly creaked open. Hunter?
Taylor
popped her furry head through the door and entered. She stood there, looking at
me wide-eyed as I sat there breathing heavily, still trying to steady myself.
She approached and nuzzled against my leg. Tears of frustration welled up in my
eyes and I stood up to wash myself off in the sink.
After
cleaning myself up and walking out of the bathroom with Taylor following close
behind, I realized I needed more than a few days stay in Indiana to recuperate.
I had dreaded the idea before, but I wasn’t sure what else I could do now. I needed
an anchor in my life. Something to stabilize me. I thought Hunter had been it,
but the past few days were proving that wrong. I needed to be with Aunt
Caroline and Uncle Stewart
for more than just a
few days.
How was I going to tell Hunter? I needed to get out of here, but he was
nowhere to be seen, and I had no way of knowing when he would get home. One
thing I didn’t want to do was what he had done to me by disappearing. I
couldn’t leave Studsen with this conversation hanging over my head.
Maybe I could leave him a note.
It wasn’t perfect, but at least I could explain the situation.
Resigned,
I rummaged through my bag, seeing if
I had a notebook to write Hunter something if he didn’t get back soon. No luck.
All I had was my sketchpad and charcoal from earlier in the coffeeshop.
It would have to do.
I
scratched out my opening:
Hunter.
Warm tears beaded up in my eyes and
rolled down my cheeks. I remembered the things he had said to me when we spent
those four nights holed up in this apartment.
“I’m gonna
save us both.”
When he
said those words, I’d believed him. But he was wrong. He could barely save
himself from whatever he was dealing with, and if I added my problems on top of
that, it was just going to pull us both down. I had to save myself or I wouldn’t
make it. Neither of us would.
I took a
deep breath and kept writing as tears streamed down my face, pausing now and
then to think of my next sentence.
Hunter—
I want to start by saying I’m sorry. After
the past few days, I came to your apartment hoping we could talk about
everything, but you never came back. I don’t know where you are, but I hope
you’re okay.
So now I’m leaving this note. Some stuff
happened and there’s no way I can continue with my classes, so I’m withdrawing
from the semester. I don’t know if I’m ever coming back to Arrowhart.
I’m writing this to tell you we’re over.
I’ll be leaving Studsen early tomorrow morning.
It kills me to do it this way, but since
you didn’t come back home I have to. Waiting around any longer than I have
isn’t an option. I can’t function with the way my mind is right now. Look at
this note. My hand is shaking so badly, I can barely write these words.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to me
if I don’t find something solid in my life. I want to believe that we had
something real Hunter. Maybe if things hadn’t happened this way we could have
worked things out, but I have to leave now. If I stay here any longer I might
not make it.
I’m so sorry I can’t explain more, but it
would be unfair to involve you in this now. I’m not going to do that.
Please don’t think this is about you. You
were the happiest thing in my life, and I’m sorry I have to hurt you like this.
I wish life had treated us differently.
-Lorrie
I read over what I wrote as
best I could through the tears blurring my vision. A warm bead dropped down
onto the note. I dabbed it away with my finger, and read again. He wouldn’t be
happy when he read the note, but hopefully he would understand with time.
Note in
hand, I went into the kitchen. A small body brushed up against my leg. I looked
down and saw Hunter’s favorite kitten, Rampage. He was looking up at me with
eyes wide, his ears down. I crouched and gave him some pets behind the ears,
still sniffling, but it didn’t seem to cheer him up. It was like he knew I was
leaving.
After
taking a deep breath and looking at the letter one more time, I folded it in
half, wrote Hunter’s name on the outside, and set it on his kitchen counter
where he could see it easily. Once I was done, I packed up, said one last
goodbye to the kittens, and walked out feeling emotionally exhausted .
The cold
winter air stung my tear-stained face as I left the apartment. I hurried down
the forest path toward Floyd Hall. It was the same path Hunter had given me a
piggyback ride through after he’d saved me from drowning. That happened on the
day we first met.
That day
seemed so long ago now.