Hunter
grunted something and Gary turned around to look at us. If Gary thought
something was up, he was certainly a good actor. He walked over and then handed
Hunter and me each a bottle of Miller Lite. We took our bottles and then Gary
clinked his bottle against mine first, then Hunter’s.
“To being
single,” he announced, beaming at us. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be
funny or if he was just oblivious.
I nodded
and took a long swig from my bottle, before turning back around in the couch,
trying to avoid Hunter’s gaze.
“So, Gary,
I saw some brothers from Phi Kappa Delta selling chocolates today, did you sell
any too?” I asked, trying to mask the awkwardness between Hunter and me.
“Sure did.
I just unloaded two boxes at the gym this morning. Those guys crave the carbs
you know.” He winked at me before settling down on the lounge chair next to the
sofa.
Hunter
hadn’t said a single word since Gary arrived and it was making me nervous. I
couldn’t tell if it was because he was mad at me or what. Surely Gary would
notice something was wrong. I was antsy in my seat, both because I couldn’t
talk to Hunter immediately about what just happened and also because I was
worried about Gary catching on soon.
Gary
switched the channel on the TV and we all watched a few rounds of a
breakdancing competition sponsored by Red Bull. Hunter grunted a few words here
and there, but he wasn’t his usual self. Sitting there next to him, and not
being able to talk about it was painful.
After an
hour, I made an excuse about needing to hang out with Daniela and took my
leave. Hunter didn’t protest and just nodded slowly. We could barely meet each
other’s eyes. We’d already admitted our attraction to one another and now we
had kissed. It was easier to pretend a sleepover never happened and move on but
how could we pretend that a kiss never happened?
HURT
The next day I sat in Psych
102, trying not to zone out while Professor Muller droned on about something to
do with marshmallows and Harvard. I didn’t know what to make of the kiss
between me and Hunter. Whose fault was it? What did Hunter think about it?
Things between us were a mess and I had no idea how we were going to fix it.
Even though we had become much closer over the past weeks, I still had my
baggage. And Hunter had his as well—Gary and Mitch had practically pointed to
it with a neon sign.
It was one
thing to be friends, it was another to be in a relationship. Two unstable
people like us shouldn’t get together.
I looked
over at Daniela, who was as focused on the lecture as she had been every other.
Hopefully she would end up becoming a psychologist; I couldn’t think of anyone
who loved any subject as much as she seemed to love psychology. It made me a
little jealous that she had found something she loved so much. So far all I had
was drawing, and that was more of a hobby than my life’s passion.
She looked
over at me and seemed to read my expression. “What’s up?” she whispered.
I shook my
head and looked down, but saw her watch me another few seconds out of the
corner of my eye. She eventually turned back to the front of the class and paid
attention to the rest of the lecture. Twenty minutes later, the class ended. I
was packing my stuff up when she grabbed my arm. “Something happened,” she said
matter-of-factly. “We’re going to Starbucks.”
“You don’t
have to meet your group early for Geology or anything?”
“Nope.
Come on, let’s go.”
We chatted
idly on the walk over and continued chatting while waiting in line at the
Starbucks next to the Barnyard. I got black coffee as usual; Daniela went for a
mocha. Our drinks came, and we found a seat on an open couch.
“Okay,
what’s up?” she asked.
I looked
out the window at the snow falling lightly to the ground. Where should I start
with that question? My whole world felt upside down.
“This has
to do with Hunter doesn’t it?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, I was at his place to feed the kittens on Valentine’s Day and . . . well
. . . something happened between us.”
Her face
lit up. “Holy shit, you guys kissed, didn’t you?”
I blinked
and looked back at my friend. Was I that easy to read? Looking around to see if
anyone was listening to our conversation, I pressed my lips together into a
thin line and nodded. It looked like people were minding their own business.
Her eyes
widened. “I knew it!” She smirked. “You said you thought of him as your older
brother and now you kissed him. Not so high on your moral-horse now aren’t you?
But I can’t blame you, it’s Hunter. Tell me everything. How did it happen?”
“We were
sitting on his couch watching TV and he started tickling my neck. After that we
were kind of going back and forth in a tickle fight for a little while, and he
ended up on top of me. Then we bit down on this chocolate together and somehow
that turned into making out.”
“Was it
hot?” she asked breathlessly.
I felt
myself blushing fiercely as I remembered the warm, smooth feeling of his lips
locked on mine. When we kissed, I hadn’t resisted at all. I’d wanted more. What
would have happened if Gary hadn’t come through the door at that moment?
“It was a
mistake,” I said through my teeth.
She pursed
her lips and shook her head. “What happened after he kissed you?”
I
grimaced. “Gary came in.”
She
gasped.
“But I
don’t think he saw anything,” I added quickly. I took a sip of my coffee. It
was so hot it burnt the roof of my mouth. I swallowed it painfully, feeling it
travel all the way down to my stomach.
“Whoa, you
okay?” Daniela asked.
“Yeah,
sorry,” I choked. “Coffee’s just a little hot, that’s all.”
“Okay, so
what happened after Gary came in?”
“Nothing.
It looked like he was watching me to see how I would react, but he didn’t say
anything. I hung around for a little while after Gary came, then left.”
“So you
have no idea what he thinks about it right now?”
I shook my
head.
“Were you
drunk?”
“No! And
neither was he.”
She tilted
her head in apparent thought. “So he was hanging out with Gary on Valentine’s
Day?”
“Yeah, I
thought that was weird too.”
“Maybe he
wanted to hang out with you on V-Day rather than Gary,” she said before taking
a sip of her mocha.
“I don’t
know, I guess. Does it matter? I’m not going to get romantically involved with
him. You were there when I yelled at him for exploiting the kittens. He’s used
to getting BJs whenever he wants from anyone he wants. I’m not that kind of
girl.”
She
shrugged. “What if he wants to be exclusive with you?”
I
remembered Hunter asking me for a date back when we walked through that
abandoned amusement park together, and I had declined. Although Hunter and I
had admitted our mutual attraction for one another since then, dating was one
thing, exclusivity was another. “Like boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“Yeah. I
mean, hypothetically, what would you think?”
I took a
deep breath. Most of the girls at Arrowhart would think that question was a
no-brainer, but I wasn’t sure. Hunter was gorgeous, there was no denying that.
Plus, we had a lot of fun together just goofing off and hanging out. Still, I
wasn’t sure if I was ready to have a romantic relationship with anyone, let
alone Hunter.
“I don’t
know,” I said finally. “When I decided to come back this semester, all I wanted
to do was make it through without having a breakdown and failing any of my
classes.”
“Those are
good goals.”
I laughed.
“Yeah, and I’m not sure dating someone is going to help. I don’t know if I’m
emotionally ready for that right now, you know?”
“I hear
you, but I’m kind of wondering if that ship’s sailed. At this point you’re
already emotionally involved with him. If you break it off now, it’s still
going to hurt.”
“Maybe a
little pain now is better than a lot of pain later . . .”
She
shrugged and looked at her phone. “Shit, I have to run to class. Keep me posted
though, okay? We can talk more tonight.”
I nodded
and watched her pack up. She left with a wave, leaving me alone to think.
Talking with Daniela had confused me even more. I had been assuming that Hunter
was seeing lots of different girls, but the fact that he was alone on
Valentine’s Day made me question that. What if he did want to be my boyfriend?
Did I want that? Could I handle that right now?
I didn’t
know. Sighing, I packed up my stuff and headed outside. Maybe the cold air
would help me clear my mind.
After walking for a few minutes, I took a seat on a
bench in the Arts Quad and pulled out my sketchbook. The snow had eased up,
leaving a thin layer on the landscape. It was one of those beautiful winter
scenes you could put on a Christmas card. I scanned my surroundings hoping for
inspiration to sketch something.
Nothing
was coming. It was such a beautiful day, but I couldn’t find the right subject
to focus on. I inhaled a deep breath and put my pencil down. As I exhaled, I
watched my breath in the cold winter air disappear.
Hunter and
I hadn’t been in contact since the kiss yesterday. It was an unusually long
time for us to not at least exchange a text message. Barely thinking, I picked
my pencil back up and began sketching Hunter from memory. The lines came
easily: his hard gray eyes, pronounced cheekbones, and strong jaw came from my
pencil as if they were meant to. I quickly had a workable sketch of his face.
The pensive expression I gave him in my sketch reflected what I was feeling.
After completing the shading, I realized I didn’t know how Hunter felt about
our kiss. Was he as confused as I was?
I decided
to break the silence and send him a message.
Hey
Hunter, you wanna talk about what happened yesterday? Maybe later?
Before I
could hit send, I received a message from Hunter.
Hey Lorrie, just wondering
what you’re up to.
I deleted
my original message and typed out a reply.
Just sitting on a bench outside
Wheatley. It’s cold. Brrr.
I hit
‘send’ and waited for a reply. It came seconds later.
I’m at
the Engineering building now. Sit tight, I’ll see ya in a bit!
I waited a
few minutes but didn’t receive a reply. Shrugging, I put my phone back in my
pocket and turned my attention back to my sketchpad.
“Hello,” a
voice called from directly behind me.
I jumped
in my seat and crumpled up the sketch. “Hunter, stop sneaking up on me while
I’m drawing!”
He came
around the bench and took a seat next to me. “Why’d you crumple up your sketch?
You’re gonna ruin it that way. Can I see it?”
I shook my
head. “It’s not ready.”
“Okay.
Well, you know I like seeing the drawings you do. I think you have a lot of
talent.”
I turned
to him and saw he had a rose in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other.
My heart skipped a beat.
“What are
those for?” I asked.
“Brought
you some gifts,” he said brightly. “I messed up, Lorrie. I wasn’t sure how you
felt about me so I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day. I thought about
it, but then I figured you might get pissed off or feel awkward if I got you
something.”
A bit
confused, I tried to put a smile on my face as I took the gifts from him.
“Hunter, this is really sweet, but you didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course
I did.” He sucked in a deep breath, his large chest expanding. “Lorrie, you
mean a lot to me. I know you’re afraid that I’m gonna hurt you but I hope you
know by now that I’d never do that. After that kiss, I was thinking that we
should give dating a shot.”
My
eyebrows raised. “Wait, what? Who said anything about dating?”
He smiled
and laughed. “We kissed yesterday. It meant a lot to me, and I know it meant a
lot to you too.”
Suddenly
feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation, I offered the rose and
chocolates back to him. Knowing Hunter’s casual relations with other girls, I
hadn’t anticipated him interpreting the kiss as seriously as he did. “Hunter,”
I said soberly. “I really appreciate all of this. But a kiss is just a kiss. It
doesn’t mean I’m ready to date you.”
He
furrowed his brows, ignoring my attempt to give him back his gifts. “Why are
you trying to give me back your presents? Are you saying it didn’t mean
anything to you?”
I brought
the rose and chocolates back to my lap. “No, that’s not it at all. I’m just
saying I’m not ready to move beyond friendship. I don’t want that kiss to
change anything between us.” I took a calm breath, expecting him to be as understanding
as he had been when I got angry about sleeping over at his place. As sweet as
Hunter was, and as much as I enjoyed hanging out with him, being ‘just friends’
had enough stressful moments—gossip, drama, being distracted from school work.
Dating would only multiply that.
He paused
for a moment. “I can’t accept that. Not after what happened yesterday.”
My eyes
widened. “What? Why?”
“I felt
the way you kissed me back. I was fine being just friends if you didn’t have
romantic feelings for me. But now I know you do, and you already know I have
feelings for you.”
Was he
really going to argue with me about how I felt? I fished for an appropriate
response. “My feelings for you are purely platonic,” I said evenly. “I think of
you as an older brother, not as a romantic partner. One kiss doesn’t change
that.”
“Platonic?”
he asked, his eyebrows high. “Do you even know what platonic means? The way
your hips moved against mine was anything but platonic. Dammit Lorrie, I even
tried to pull away. I wasn’t sure you wanted it, but you pulled me right back
in.”
Blood
rushed to my face as I remembered the sensation of his leg against my crotch
and his hair between my fingers. I looked around to make sure no one was
listening. “So I let myself get caught up in the heat of the moment and now we
can’t be friends?” I asked, my voice rising. “You of all people shouldn’t be
making assumptions off of one kiss.”
He
narrowed his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Did I
really have to spell it out for him? “Those girls gave you a blowjob and you
didn’t think anything of it.”
“That’s
different,” he said, his own voice rising. “Those girls don’t mean anything to
me. You do.”
“You mean
something to me too,” I said sternly. “As a friend.”
“I don’t
see how you can’t tell the difference between kissing someone purely for
pleasure and kissing someone who really means something to you. Kissing for us
is something special.”