Authors: Kate Kelly
But
before she started she shook her head and realized there was absolutely no
reason to clean the tank, absolutely none, she told herself. She was just being
silly and it needed to stop because she wasn't a silly girl, she was a
beautiful full grown woman. She needed to realize that Brent would get back to
her
whe
--
Then
her computer chimed and she sprinted across her house back to throw herself in
her chair and start reading.
Dearest
Lucille,
I
would love to come to your place and watch such a piece of film. Although, I
must advise, if it gets to rough we should shut it off and duck out for a drink
or something like that. There isn't any need to stay shut up for the entire
night. If we did go to a bar in your neighborhood it would just be for a change
of scenery. I don't every drink more than one or two drinks so it wouldn't be
like we'd be getting wasted or anything. I guess you can if you want to but
that might be a little bit awkward considering.
Also,
I was wondering about dinner. Should I make it and bring it over or do you want
to cook? Or if you'd rather order in, or go out and bring it back in, or just
go out then come back, I'm all right with all of those things as well.
I've
got to run. Be well!
And
let me know!
B--
Lucille's
heart started to thump against her ribcage like a bird trying to escape,
beating its wings against the bars of her ribs. He was going to come over. He
was actually going to come over! Without being able to stop herself Lucille
cranked up her favorite pop song and started dancing around her living room,
singing into a lint roller she'd purchased in preparation of having a canine
stay for the weekend. She was so lucky, and she knew it. Everything was working
out in a way that she could never have imagine. How lucky was she to have been
able to reconnect with Brent, and at the same time to have caught his eye. It
was one thing to have met him, but quite another that it looked like they would
be falling in love again.
Again?
Was she really going to call
what they had had between them as children as love? Lucille did, even though
she knew others would have scoffed at the label. How could two children know
anything about love? How could that be something that two so small and
innocent, naïve of the world and some of the horrible designs it had lay out in
destiny's sands for them. But it had been love and she knew that, and she
wasn't going to sell it short just to avoid imagined criticism. Who were people
to judge what they had had? Who was anyone in this world to judge what they
both had been through? Because even though Brent's family had absconded with
him to America, in the end, he had lost his father as well.
She
wondered about his mother, what she was like and if she was bitter. But then
she thought of her own.
“Lucille!”
her mother answered the phone. “How good to hear from you. How are you getting
along out there?”
Her
mother had stayed on the east coast in New York. She'd found another man, a
plumber, to make a life with and they were very happy together.
“Mother,
guess who I'm having over to my place this Friday to watch a movie with?”
“Tell
me!” her mother said excitedly.
Her
other was always telling her that she needed a boyfriend of some kind. Once her
mother had even gone as far as to say that a having a man around would be good
because they would be able to scratch an itch for her that she couldn't scratch
for herself. When her mother had said this Lucille hadn't known what to do.
They had both laughed and laughed. But she didn't think her mother would be
laughing now.
“Brent,”
she said. “Mother, I saw Brent. Do you remember him from our old life? Do you
remember how I used to sneak away from the house during the day and go over to
his to play?”
“Oh my God,” her mother said
breathlessly. “I can't believe it. How is he? Is he married?”
“Mother!” Lucille laughed. “I
just told you that I was having him over for a date. What kind of person do you
think I am?”
They
both laughed at this. Her mother asked all about how they had met and what had
happened.
“Mom,
it's actually the cutest story. So we were both out at the same high end bar
downtown, which for both of us is a once a year thing, or near enough. But
anyway, so we are both in this bar that is packed and neither one of us can
walk over to the other to say hey. So I wrote my email on a napkin and had the
bartender walk it over to him.”
“That's
amazing!” her mother exclaimed. “Then what?”
“Within
in the first email exchange we realized who each other were, so from there we
met in person shortly after.”
Her
mother couldn't believe her good stroke of luck, and how she crowed with
delight when her daughter told her that Brent was now a good looking, world
weary pilot.
“To
think of it!”
That
was the last thing her mother said before they said their goodbyes. It made
Lucille smile to hear her mother say it. To think of it! Her mother had the
right idea. To think of how things were turning out now considering, and to
think about how it was going to be if her and Brent were able to put the pieces
of their once broken lives back together. Right after she put her phone down
she realized she'd forgotten to tell her mother about Brent's father passing,
but then she was glad she hadn't. It was one thing for her to go through all of
the mental anguish of her own accord in pursuit of a guy, but it was another
thing entirely to drag her own mother through the existential mud. Lucille
didn't want to stir up anymore long dormant feelings than she had to. It wasn't
that she didn't think her mother could handle it, either, it was that she
didn't think that she could handle it. Lucille didn't want to break down crying
on the phone with her mother talking about how the love of her mother's life,
Lucille's father, had passed away—especially since she didn't know if her
boyfriend was around to hear it.
Lucille
liked her mother's boyfriend, but didn't know him well at all. He and her
mother had met long after Lucille had fled the smog and bad traffic of the east
coast. Now that she lived in Des Moines she didn't seem to travel much anymore,
so he remained a mystery.
That
night, as she lay in bed trying to go to sleep, all she could think about was
Brent's good looking features. When she drifted off morning came all too soon.
That
Friday night Brent arrived with flowers and a treat for the dog. The dog treat
was a nice touch, especially since Lucille hadn't remembered to pick any up
from the store on her way home from the school that day. Something had happened
at recess that had made a bunch of her young men fight each other. They hadn't
quite gotten to the bottom of it when she had had to come down to the
principle's
office after she finally got out of class.
Two
of the young men she liked very much, they were both eighth graders from
troubled homes. They were both intelligent young men that just needed to learn
how to control themselves and their emotions a little better. They had both
been in trouble recently, and in large amounts and great severity. Now it was
time they got suspended or expelled. The principle wasn't the kind of guy that
liked to expel students, though. He thought that was a failure on behalf of the
school system and himself, and Lucille had to agree. She always thought it was
their fault whenever a student fell short, or dropped out, or got expelled. So
the principle had decided that he'd leave it up to Lucille if the boys would
get suspended or not.
Lucille
had said “No.” without hesitating, then fled to her car to get home as quickly
as possible. She'd gotten home and gotten the dog from her friend and cleaned a
little more and now here she was, and here Brent was.
“It's
so good to see you!” Lucille said.
“It's
good to be here!” Brent said.
She
grabbed some snacks and they both settled onto the couch to watch the old,
grainy VHS tapes. A voice over started telling them things they already knew
about the little village from their past. But what Lucille was really paying
attention to was the way Brent smelled, and how he felt as she snuggled into
him and felt his warmth and his muscle respond to her. He shifted slightly and
put his arm around her. Then, without warning, he looked down when Lucille was
looking up and kissed her on the lips. They held the kiss for a good five count
before they both broke with a
smack
.
“Oh
my goodness!” Lucille said.
She
had loved it so much she knew she'd always think about his lips for the rest of
her life. He was such a handsome guy, and such a great kisser. Her face was
read though because at the same time this was her lifelong friend looking at
her, not just some person that she had the
hots
for.
Well, she was looking at what would have been her lifelong friend if that life
hadn't been ended by an outbreak of a disease that no longer troubled modern
civilization.
“Goodness
indeed!” he said.
They
kept canoodling throughout the rest of the film, even the parts that were meant
to be sad and heart wrenching. They just didn't care. They'd both lived it and
now wanted to live past it. As Lucille's tongue explored Brent's mouth and
wrestled with his tongue she thought about how they had missed out on years and
years of this because of bad luck, or the fates not looking favorable on them,
or God being an asshole—she wasn't sure which one, or what combination of them,
she thought most accurate.
When
it was time for Brent to go they stood a long time at her door just holding
each other. Neither wanted the night to end; neither wanted the moment to slip
away. It wasn't like they weren't going to see each other again though, they
insured each other. They told each other they would for certain spend much time
together in the future. Then they kissed again, Brent pulling Lucille close to
him and holding her tight, then they said goodbye.
Lucille,
I
have terrible news. My mother is sick. The doctors say that she doesn't have
long to live now and I must go and be with her until she passes. She doesn't
live in Iowa, but instead lives in rural Missouri. I know that's not far, but I
beg of you not to come down and look for me if you don't hear from me after she
passes. I'll come back and look for you when time heals these new wounds that
are about to happen.
I
just can't make sense of it, Lucille. I can't imagine why God would want to let
my mother pass this way. Her whole life she's deserved so much more. But now
she'll have nothing but what's beyond the grave. I hope you don't think I'm
being overly dramatic . . . I'm sure you won't. I don't even know why I said
that I'm so sure. I guess I just want you to know that I'll come back sometime
soon.
But
for now I have to go and hold my mother's hand as she passes. I can't let her
go alone. And then after that I'm not sure what kind of man I'll be. I know
I'll be much the same but there isn't any real way to tell how such things will
impact a person's spirit before they happen. Only after the fact, when all the
damage has been tallied up in our minds, do we really know what we've been
subjected to. I can only hope you won't think me selfish. That is my real
concern. I don't want you to think that I'm copping out of what we could be, or
turning my back on it. Because I assure you that this isn't me doing either of
those things.
That
being said I don't want you to wait for me at all. I want you to move on and be
happy. I want you to find some guy and sweep him off his feet, show him how
smart and gorgeous you are. I wish more than anything that guy could be me, but
that isn't what fate has allowed. And I can't bear the thought of you waiting.
But just know that I'll be back someday. Maybe in a few months, maybe in a few
years.