Without You (40 page)

I walked up to Luke and Colt, who both held out their hands to shake mine. I felt happy for a few minutes until we all began working on repairing the fence.

My mind kept going back to Lex and how sad she had sounded while walking toward the barn.

I just need some time alone.

I closed my eyes.
God, please don’t let her slip away from me. Please.

My phone buzzed in my back pocket, and I pulled it out. My heart skipped a beat when I saw it was a text from Will.

Will: Hey, sweetheart. Would you like to go to dinner and a movie tonight?

Yesterday, I had gone to talk with Janet about my fear of giving myself to Will. I felt dirty, thinking what I shared with Will had been tarnished, and I was so afraid Will would look at me differently now.

It had been three weeks since I came home from the hospital. I’d managed to keep myself surrounded with a lot of people, or I’d spend time alone with Banjo. Will and I had been alone only twice. Both times, I’d panicked for some reason. I wasn’t sure why. When I’d asked Janet, she’d helped me to understand my thoughts. I was so afraid of what Will thought of me now that I kept pushing our relationship aside. She told me how important it was for me to talk to Will about my feelings. I just couldn’t. Not yet.

Will had been so patient, but last night, he’d told me he was ready to have some alone time to reconnect. It hurt my heart so much to know I was hurting him. I closed my eyes and decided I was ready to be with Will again. I needed him even though I was just so afraid.

Me: How about a picnic at the clubhouse with just you and me?

Will: I’d love that, Lex. I’ll take care of everything. Pick you up at seven?

Me: Perfect. Will, I love you.

Will: I love you more, Lex.

I smiled as I tucked my phone away.

“That smile must mean you were talking to my brother?” Libby raised her eyebrows and smiled at me.

“Yep. He wanted to go to dinner and a movie, but I mentioned a picnic at the clubhouse with just us.”

Libby’s smile faded one second before she smiled again. “That sounds amazing, Alex. Y’all deserve some time together.”

Grace walked back into her room and sat down on the bed.

“What’s wrong, Grace? You look like someone just shot your horse,” Libby said with a giggle.

Grace let out a gasp. “Bite your tongue, bitch. How could you say such a thing?”

I laughed as I went back to flipping through a book I had picked up from the library.

“So, what’s bugging you, Grace?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

Libby tossed a pillow at Grace. “Bitch, please. You haven’t been yourself ever since that night you came back from your fling during spring break.”

I sat up as my mouth dropped to the floor. “What? What fling? You had a fling? Oh. My. God. You had a fling, and you didn’t tell me. What the hell, Grace? We’re best friends.”

Grace glared at Libby.

Libby shrugged her shoulders. “Sorry. I thought for sure that Alex knew about it.”

I shook my head. “No,
Alex
didn’t know anything about it. Grace Johnson, spill the beans right now.”

Grace looked at me, then Libby, and then back to me. “It’s not a big deal. It was nothing, and I haven’t been acting differently since spring break. You’ve only been around me three weeks, Libby! Have you noticed a difference, Alex?”

“Um…no, not really. Well, you do stare off into space a lot, like you’re thinking hard. But I want to know about the fling!” I moved to my knees and started hopping. I was just glad the conversation was not about me.

Grace laughed and pushed me over.

“Come on, Grace. Tell her about hot Noah,” Libby said with a wink.

I stopped jumping. “Noah? Isn’t that the name of the guy who bumped into you at A&M? It was Noah, right?”

“Yes!” Libby said as Grace answered at the same time, “No!”

Libby looked confused. “Grace, you two did so know each other. He said he was glad he didn’t knock you down this time.”

Again, my mouth was hanging open. “You had sex…with the hot A&M guy? How in the hell did you manage that?”

Libby giggled.

Grace began moving about nervously. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t want to rehash it. It’s over.”

Libby’s smile faded.

I reached for Grace’s arm. “Grace, did he hurt you or something?”

Grace rolled her eyes. “No! God, no. He was actually a great fuck. That’s all he was though.” She got up, headed over to her desk, and sat down. She opened up the laptop and began searching on the Internet.

Libby and I looked at each other.

I wasn’t sure if I should push for more info or not. “Well, can I ask if you knew he was going to be there?”

Without turning to face me, she said, “Nope, I had no clue.”

“So, y’all just bumped into each other again and decided to, as you call it, fuck?”

She turned and looked at me, and I swore she had tears in her eyes.

“Yes, Alex. We exchanged numbers on the beach. I wanted to get laid, and he wanted to get laid, so it all worked out perfectly. We fucked, and when we were done, I got up and left. End of story.” She turned back and began typing an email.

There was more to the story than Grace was letting on.

Libby stood up and walked over to Grace. “Grace, do you want to talk about it?”

Grace spun around in her chair and smiled at us. “No. Really, y’all, it’s not a big deal. Please, can we move on?”

Libby and I both said, “Okay,” as we looked at each other.

I glanced back up to Grace and made a mental note to talk to her alone later.

I pulled up and parked behind Will’s truck. Instead of having Will pick me up, I had decided to just meet him at the clubhouse. I took a deep breath as I opened the car door and got out. I walked up to the clubhouse door.

Right before I reached it, Will opened it. “Hey, beautiful.”

My heart skipped a beat, and my stomach dropped at the sight of him. I loved him so much, but I knew I had been pushing him away. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he knew Blake had touched me. Lying in bed at night, I would wonder if Will thought any different of me.

He reached for my hand, and I began to panic. We were going to be alone in the clubhouse. Will would surely want to make love.

Am I ready?

Yes.

No.

I closed my eyes, and I took in a slow deep breath. I gently blew it out as I opened my eyes and took a step toward Will. He took my hand and led me through the door. When I walked in, I sucked in a breath of air. White lights were draped across the ceiling, and a few candles were lit. On the floor, a picnic basket and a bucket with a huge bottle of water were sitting on a blanket.

I giggled as I looked at Will. “Water?”

He smiled the smile that took my breath away as he nodded. “Yep. Since we’re both driving this evening, I thought it would be best to play it safe.”

I shook my head and walked over to the blanket.

“Sit down, Lex.”

I sank down to the floor as I watched Will move about, taking care of a few other things. He finally sat down and picked up a remote. He pressed a button, and Colbie Caillat’s “Stay with Me” began playing. I smiled as Will gave me his panty-melting smile back.

My heart started beating faster, and I began chewing on my lower lip to calm my nerves.

What if he goes to kiss me and then thinks of Blake’s hands on my body?

“My mom made her famous hummus that you love so much,” Will said as he began taking food out of the basket.

We’re just eating. That’s all. Just eating.

Will and I ate and talked about simple things—what Will was helping my father with on the ranch this summer and how him and his dad were making some office furniture for a lawyer in Austin.

“So, your dad said you’ve been riding Banjo a lot,” Will said with a smile.

I grinned back. Something about my horse always kept me calm. I would feel safe when I was with Banjo.

“Yeah, I’ve missed him a lot this past year. I’m thinking of taking him to A&M next year.”

“That would be awesome, Lex.”

I smiled and nodded my head as Will began cleaning up.

Once he finished, he reached down for my hand. “Dance with me, Lex?”

“Still Fallin’” by Hunter Hayes began playing. I stood up and let Will pull me into his arms. We danced for a few minutes, and I felt so safe in his arms.

“I love you, Lex,” he whispered before kissing my neck.

His hot breath did things to my body, and I let out a small moan.

I need him. I need his touch.

“Lex, I want you.”

My mind was going in a million different directions. As much as I wanted to be with him, I was afraid of what he would think of me. I knew that he knew what Blake had done to me.

“Will…” I whispered.

He reached down and picked me up. He carried me to the bed, and he gently laid me down on it as I attempted to push my fears away.

“Lex, I’m going to make love to you.”

I closed my eyes as I felt him unbutton my shorts. I lifted my hips as he began to pull my shorts and panties off.

“So perfect and beautiful,” he said.

My eyes snapped open, and I looked at him admiring my body.

I’m not perfect. I’m tainted. He touched me. He violated me.

Will gently spread my legs apart.

The moment he touched me, I screamed out, “Stop! I can’t! I can’t!” I instantly began crying.

Will jumped off the bed and away from me. I frantically began searching for my shorts and panties. I slipped them on as Will just stood there.

“Lex, I didn’t mean to push you into…I mean, I thought you wanted me to…I thought that’s why you wanted to come here.”

I wiped my tears away and grabbed my keys. “I just need time.”

I turned to open the door when Will grabbed my arm.

“Lex, stop pushing me away. Why are you pushing me away?”

My head was spinning, and all I could see was Blake’s body over mine as he reached his hand inside my pants.

Oh God, make it go away.

I swallowed hard. “I’m…I’m no good for you, Will.”

His mouth dropped open. “What? Lex, what in the hell do you mean? You’re my everything. You mean the world to me.”

I shook my head and pushed him away from me. “No, he ruined it.”

Will used his hand to shut the door. “He ruined what, Lex? Please talk to me, baby. Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

I knew the only way Will would let me go was if I told him he was scaring me. In my heart, I knew Will would never hurt me, but I wasn’t ready to talk about this with him.

I looked him in the eyes. “You’re scaring me.”

Will immediately dropped his hand from the door and took a few steps back. The look in his eyes and on his face gutted me. I never wanted him to think I was afraid of him.

“Lex, I would never…” His eyes began to fill with tears.

I wanted to tell him that I didn’t mean what I’d just said. I went to say something, but he turned and picked up his truck keys. He came back to the door and reached around me to leave the clubhouse. I stood there, not knowing what to do. I’d just hurt the only person I ever loved.

He began walking to his truck.

Say something, Alex.

“Will! Will, please wait,” I said as I began running to him.

He jumped into his truck. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is scare you.”

I shook my head. “No, no, Will. I just didn’t want—”

“I get it, Lex. You need time. I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”

I started crying harder. “Will…I didn’t mean that.”

“I saw it in your eyes.” He threw his truck into drive and started driving off.

I stood there, alone.

I’m all alone.

I don’t like being alone.

“Will…”