Without Scars (30 page)

“You guys were awesome tonight. Thank you.” Lauren counted out a stack of bills and stuffed them into her bra once she closed us out. “So...walk me out?” she asked me, touching the top of my hand. “I’ve got an awesome movie collection, day-old Chinese food, and roommates who won’t be back until tomorrow night.”

It was a tempting offer, and I could almost hear my friends’ mental urging. I debated them in my head. “You’re beautiful, Lauren,” I said as she stepped out from around the bar, “but I really can’t. Get home safe, okay?”

“Can’t say it doesn’t hurt, Charlie. I’ll call you about the audition, though. Have a good night.” She waved as a bouncer walked her out.

“Um…wow. Maybe you really can’t close,” Deacon said, but his tone was far more cordial than usual, so I didn’t take offense. Plus, I’d punched him, which was way worse.

“I didn’t want to lead her on. Too old for that shit.”

“Not every chick is looking for a ring, Charles.”

I wasn’t stupid. I knew some women liked one-night stands. What Lauren
wouldn’t
have liked, though, was when I called her Nikki while I was fucking her. Because I would’ve. Sweaty, hand in her hair, balls deep inside her and coming. Whispering Nikki’s name in her ear. Not intentionally. But I would’ve. “I’m good, Deek.” I smirked. “Your concerns about my dick are misplaced.”

“Fuck you,” he said, laughing, but he was serious in a flash. “We found a roommate, but I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Definitely not gonna work out. Doesn’t really seem like the type who can throw a punch if need be.”

I cringed. “I fucked up, Deek.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I missed my girl, and there was a lot of shit going on in my head…”

“I fucked up, too, though, with a lot of shit.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “The guy hasn’t signed a lease yet. Think about it.”

“Look who came out of hiding!” Samira wrapped her arms around my shoulders suddenly. “Please tell me you guys aren’t leaving. Lux was cranky before my mom got there and I need to drink. A lot.” Patrick raised his chin a notch in greeting as Samira hugged me closer so she could whisper. “We need to talk first, though. Alone.” Whenever a woman said that to me I was instantly concerned. Samira being the specific woman resulted in catastrophic, paralyzing terror.

We went down a few blocks to a gelato place then sat on a bench outside. “I sent the whole cast an email and told them not to come in for the table read.” She scooped gelato out of my cup. “I’m sorry—don’t get mad at me—but the final script, it’s…it’s a cop out. It’s shitty to do that to the fans and our series.” I’d expected that. In the script everyone had, Chuck imagined what his life would’ve been like if he’d never met Sami in a
Sliding Doors,
alternate reality
episode. They still ended up at Leeward together, but they were never friends and Chuck was ultimately happy. So back in reality, Chuck ended the friendship before they ever went to Leeward. They were no longer a part of each other’s lives, and at graduation their interaction was a last hello and goodbye before they went their separate ways.

“I’ve known for a long time that Sami was the personification of your love/hate relationship with writing, and how you were dealing with it. But I can’t believe you really think your life would’ve been better if you hadn’t fallen in love with it. Chuck and Sami are soul mates. Yes, it’s tumultuous but that doesn’t mean it’s not meant to be. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. And the absence of pain in Chuck’s life without Sami made me realize how much anguish you’ve been putting into these scripts. Jesus, Charlie.”

“I know. You’re right. It’s the wrong story. I wasn’t really in a good headspace.” And for the first time in a long time, my best friend and I had a heart-to-heart and I told her everything: that Fallon was my drug dealer, that it was amphetamines and not caffeine, that Nikki had confronted me, and it was why we had broken up (I didn’t say how I had almost gotten her baby daughter drugged, but it didn’t feel like the right time to drop
that
little nugget). I made sure to stress that I was doing my best to make sure I was never in that situation again.

Samira had eaten all my gelato by the time I was done talking. She also had “I want to hug the shit out of you” face. “And you’re done with it now? Are you sure?” she asked. I nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me it was eating you up like this?”

“You think I’m important enough to raise your kid. I didn’t want you to regret that because I couldn’t handle getting my feelings hurt.”

She shook her head. “You have proven time and time again that you are the best person I know. Finding out you were struggling doesn’t change that.”

“Nikki really didn’t tell you?”

“I wish she had. She must’ve been so torn about protecting you, right or wrong. God, one of you should’ve told me!” She sighed and averted her eyes. “There’s something you should know, too. There’s a guy. Nikki has a guy…”

I snapped my spoon and crushed my cup. “What the fuck do you mean there’s a guy? She has a boyfriend? Is it serious?”

“I don’t think so. I think they’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase.”

“Fuck, Samira…who the fuck is he?”

“Some dude she works with. He’s their IT guy. He’s a horrible, awful human being,” she deadpanned. “I think he sacrifices puppies at night and kicks old ladies. But
worst
of all, I’ve seen him twice and both times he had on a different pair of ugly shoes. I mean, dude, get your shoe game together. Because the rest of us are
judging
,” she said, lilting at the end. “How can anyone trust you with their heart when you can’t even be trusted to buy cute shoes?” She said it with so much disgust that I burst out laughing. It came from a place in me that had been waiting for a huge release. A few people turned around to look at us. I laughed harder.

Samira was always my saving grace.

“Are you in love with Nikki?”

“I don’t even know how to say how in love with her I am, Mira.”

“Well, if you lose that girl, you will spend the rest of your life trying to turn every other woman into her.”

I nodded. That I knew. “So, are you going to keep Lux away from me? Now that you know everything?”

“Real?”

“Real.”

“I just need some time to process all of this. Not forever.” She squeezed my hand when I sighed. “Remember when we were at Prep and someone anonymously posted a racist joke on the community board? A lot of people said I made a big deal out of it because I thought the administration glossed over it too easily. People stopped talking to me, and I almost left school. You were the only reason I stayed, Charlie, because you didn’t just let me become some social outcast or someone who stirred up trouble. I was always more to you.” Samira’s lip trembled. “Really trying not to cry in public right now. Real, dude, so real.” We both laughed. “With you in her life, Luxie will always have someone who
knows
her. Her life and who she is will matter with you. You make stuff matter. You make people matter. I know my daughter will never feel insignificant. So I need you to be you
.
Everyone who knows you needs you to be you.”

Chapter Sixteen

Nikki

“Your car is a piece of shit, Nicole,” Camryn said as I pulled into my designated parking space. My engine sounded like a hen house. It was getting me from point A to B on my prayers, but it was getting me there.

“Well, this piece of shit was your escape for the day, wasn’t it?” I grabbed her arm before she could get out. “And stop being so mean to your mom. I know it’s kind of my fault that you are, but you can’t keep treating her like shit. She loves you, and she’s fighting for you, so appreciate that.” She groaned, gave me an eye roll, and played with the edges of her shorts. I wanted to shake her. Camryn could be so frustrating sometimes, and I certainly couldn’t take
all
the credit for it. “Camryn.”

“Okay. Okay. Got it; Mom’s a superhero.” She leaped from the passenger seat.

“Grab some bags from the back.” I ran through my to-do list for tonight on the short walk to my building: apartment was clean, everyone knew what time to be here, and I knew what I was wearing. All I had to do was cook. My family was coming over tonight. Mariella had been a big help the last few weeks as I tried to figure out how to talk things out with them. It was selfish of me to be glad Charlie was staying in the condo. Now it didn’t feel like she and I were having an affair. But being around her made me miss him so much.

I turned at the landing to my floor and tripped up two steps. My heart forced its way into my throat. I died. Was resurrected. Charlie was sitting on the stairs, staring at his phone.

“Oh my gah!” Camryn dove in for a hug, but his eyes were on me over her shoulder.

“Hi, Cam.”

“I thought you guys weren’t fucking anymore?” she asked him.

“Cam,” I warned.

“Am I wrong?”

“Hey…” I said. Squeaked, really. I squeaked.

“Hi…” He stood up. My eyes traveled with him. Damn, he looked good. Exes should’ve had a required expiration date for how long they were sexy. In all fairness.

“Keys,” Cam demanded. What? She dug into my purse during my brain fart and retrieved them herself. She pushed past him and hurried to unlock the front door.

“What are you…have you been waiting long?”

“Not really. But did I get the timing wrong? Did Cam have a bad day today or something?”

“Yeah. Her mom said she could hang out here for a while. Cool off. She’s picking her up in a couple hours…” I walked up to the step just below the one he was on. It was the first time I’d seen him since screwing him on Samira’s guestroom floor. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh…recipes…” He fished an envelope from his pocket and handed it to me. “I know Ahsha was supposed to bring it over. Hope it’s okay.”

“Yeah. Of course. Wow, this is old school,” I said, laughing. The two dishes Mariella had sent over were handwritten on index cards. She’d sent me an ingredients list already. “Does she keep them in a box?”

“Yup. They’re really important to her. Some of them are written in Spanish because of my grandma. There are side notes all over these. I guess that’s why she didn’t just take a picture and email or text them. Easier to read.” Charlie smiled.

“This is awesome but…there should be a third one…” I said. Tyler’s favorite food to eat was mac and cheese, and she’d promised me the best recipe ever.

“I know. I am the recipe,” he said. I raised my eyebrows. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I cooked for you before.” I led him into my apartment. Camryn was having a loud giggly conversation in my bedroom.

My heart was racing and my legs felt wobbly. Was this nervousness? Because his being here wasn’t awkward at all. It actually felt familiar. He stood in the middle of my living room, watching me set my things down. Then he hugged me. It was silent and full of deep breaths. His hugs still made everything better. All the distance was gone in an instant.

“Why are you the recipe?” I asked when we pulled apart.

“My mom taught me a new dish every month for a while when I was kid. I can’t believe I never told you this. She said everyone—man or woman—should know four things: how to change a tire, someone they can call in the middle of the night if they’re in trouble, the number of a good lawyer, and how to cook.”

God, I loved that woman. Her son, too. “Some of the ingredients are in the grocery bags, but I’ll get all the other stuff you need.”

Before I could take a step he grabbed my arm. He shook his head. “I know where everything is, Nik…” Then he passed me and walked to the kitchen.

After I changed into shorts and a t-shirt, we worked side by side. I made pollo guisado and an avocado, watercress and pineapple salad. Charlie made the mac and cheese.

“So…you look good,” I said.

“Thanks. I quit
for real
. Hasn’t been easy. Can’t say I don’t think about using sometimes, but I did quit.” God, I was happy to hear that. Plus, I knew he’d told Samira. He was acknowledging it, which was a good sign. “Why’d Cam have a bad day?” He put the platter in the oven, and then his eyes were on me, holding me in his gaze.

“New exercises during her therapy. She’s not great with change. It was hard on her and her mom. I think she just needed out of the situation. I know I’ll never be able to make it right, but I try where I can…”

“And you’re doing all right, baby girl.” He stroked my upper arm.

“Thanks.”

Then came the silence. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Crap. “So,
West Side Story
is finally coming up,” he said.

“Yeah…and I have tons of tickets to sell still. You’ll be there?”

“Yup. Whole squad is coming,” he promised. “Is
he
gonna be there? Samira told me you are…dating…someone…” My heart, now dislodged, flipped and flopped until it landed in my gut. I looked at him and he held his hands up. “Don’t get mad at her. She tells me everything.”

“Yeah, he will be there but, Charlie, we don’t have to talk about this.”

“I promised you I was always going to be your friend. I meant it. It’s going to kill me but I miss you. I miss talking to you.”

I missed that, too. “Okay. Well, we met one night after a show. Totally not serious. His name is—”

“Don’t. Not that.” He hung his head for a moment. “No name, please. Anything else. Is he…is he being good to you? Are you happy? I hope so.”

“Yes. But it’s not serious at all, Charlie. Just coffee here and there…” I didn’t know if I was explaining the situation for his benefit or mine.

Our conversation roamed after that—TV shows, friends, and work
.
But he was here to help me and not here to have endless hours of stimulating conversation, so I ignored my disappointment.

“Okay…I’m about to change your life, Nik,” he said when the oven finally dinged. “You only get one bite, though.” Beyond the amazing smell, the platter itself was perfect: crumbly on the top and the juices were still sizzling on the bottom. He set it on the stovetop and dipped a fork into a corner when it got a little cooler.

“Okay…we’ll see…” I teased.

“I’m not even going to let you hold the fork,” he said. “Open.” I was a dirty girl, so Charlie telling me to open anything—especially my mouth—got me hot. He knew that so he smirked when I parted my lips. He was watching me so intently, and he sucked in a deep breath when I closed my mouth around the small portion of food. Sparks of desire flickered in my chest and turned my blood to fire. Did Charlie and I ever do it in the kitchen? Nope, I don’t think we ever did.

“Wow…” I chewed slowly, savoring the taste. “This…this is…I really can’t have another bite?”

He scooped up more. He licked the corner of his mouth this time when he brought the fork to my lips. I hesitated for a moment. I kind of wanted him to say “Open” again. “So? Just as good the second time?”

“Perfect.” We held smiles on each other until the urge to kiss him got too overwhelming.

“What’s left?” he asked.

“That’s it. Thank you.”

Then Charlie gripped my face and I held my breath. His lips brushed over my forehead. I smiled. I ached. “Anytime,” he said. “This was fun…”

I left him in the kitchen to go get ready. I showered, put my hair up in a bun, and slipped into the dress I’d picked out. “Whoa. For Charlie or the other guy?” Camryn asked. She was texting at finger-breaking speed so she missed my annoyed glare.

Nerves crept in as I twirled around in my full-length mirror. “For dinner tonight with my family.” I looked really nice. It was the perfect façade to conceal just how terrified I was. What would my family see? What image of me would be reflected in their eyes? They had so many awful memories. And how could I truly express
my
hurt when my dad…

“I can’t do this…”

Oh God. I ran to my bed, sat, and tried to wait out the panic. But my pulse only rammed harder against my eardrums, and my palms were getting slick.

“What happened? What’s wrong with you?” Camryn swung her legs around and sat next to me. I walked back to the kitchen. Or maybe I ran. “Nicole!”

The place was spotless and the table was set for four.

But he was gone. Charlie was gone.

A wave of disappointment rushed me and I actually got teary eyed. I had adjusted to him not being here. I had
not
gotten over him but I had adjusted. Now the emptiness was back. I missed him so much each day that nothing could distract me, not even sleep. I woke up sad most mornings. Even in my disorientation and having no memory of whatever dream had devastated me, I knew it was about him. We were good together and Charlie was clearly doing better, so why were we apart? Maybe I should’ve fought for him more. Maybe he didn’t want to fight for me anymore.

Camryn was still calling my name but it sounded so far away. Because my mind was elsewhere. I kept an emergency bottle of Captain Morgan under the bathroom sink. It was purely for smashing. Like one of those “lift it over my head and destroy it with all my might against something” smashes. But now…maybe I need to drink—

“Nik?” Charlie called out and knocked on the front door.

“Yes. Coming.” He hadn’t left. I wiped my eyes and let him in.

“I went to go get flowers, and dishwasher pods because you’re out, and pie…” He placed a vase of tulips on the table and shopping bags on the counter. “Damn, you look nice. Still gonna give you damns.” I tried to smile but I was having trouble breathing. When he walked over to me he hugged me, and then held me by my shoulders. “Hey, baby girl, you’re shaking...why are you shaking?”

“What the hell is wrong with her?” Camryn asked, agitation in her voice.

“When do I stop being who I am and start being who I want to be?” He always had a way of making me comfortable enough to say what I only wanted to think.

“What the hell is wrong with her?!”

“Okay, hold on a sec,” he said to me. Then he turned to Camryn. “Can you go wait in the bedroom? Call your mom and tell her I’ll bring you home. Nik’s just having a bad day. Sometimes she has those, too.” It clicked with her, and when she left us alone he led me over to my couch.

“You and Ella must be so fucking sick of me right now…” I said as he pulled me against him.

“That’s not true, but you’ve still got three more Daras left in the family. And then you can circle back. It’s all good. So, you need me to do anything right now? Wanna just sit here a while? Swing each other’s dicks?”

Charlie could really ruin a moment…but he also knew just what I needed. I laughed so much that he caught it and had to start laughing, too. I put my face in the curve of his neck and sighed. “Thank you for helping with Camryn. I couldn’t handle a meltdown from her when I’m having my own. I’m just so scared. What if…? What if they don’t want me anymore? After all this, what if I’m too hard to love now?”

“It’s not worth being loved by anyone who thinks that about you, Nik. But your parents wouldn’t be coming if they didn’t love you a whole lot.” His hug got tighter. It hurt. I missed it hurting. “And take it from someone who has being doing it for months now: you make it pretty damn easy.”

****

Charlie

“Your car smells funny,” Camryn said to me as we waited in my car in the parking lot of Nikki’s apartment building. I was propping myself up in the driver’s seat, balancing on my hands to see into her living room. “And what the heck are we doing?”

“I opened the blinds before I left…just want to make sure everything’s cool.” Her family had arrived a few minutes ago and gone inside. I was probably more nervous than anyone, but also hopeful that everything would go well. Before he went upstairs, Tyler and I had locked eyes in the parking lot, and I knew my message following his drunken night was still clear.

“They’re not going to murder her, Charlie,” Camryn said, scoffing.

“I know that…still just making sure everything’s okay…okay? I love her.” I shrugged. “And my mac and cheese was good, right, Cam, you liked it? Do you think it meant a lot to her that I was here? I wanted to help her out, but I was trying to show her that I’m still
me
and she can rely on me again. I bought, like, thirty
West Side
tickets. Who the hell else am I gonna get to come, after my friends?”