Witch Glitch: Magic and Mayhem Book Two (11 page)

"Oh my Goddess," Sassy gasped. "Is that your wolf?"

"He is
not
my wolf, but if you touch him I will remove your hands. If you look at him I will gouge out your eyeballs," I hissed and then smacked myself in the head.

"Yes, I'm her wolf," Mac said with a very self-satisfied grin and a bow. "And she's my witch."

"That's hot," Fat Bastard said and punctuated it by grabbing his kitty nads.

Sassy nodded in agreement.

"One more word out of any of you and you will lose the ability to speak for a very long time," I warned. "I am quite sure I have made some monumental mistakes in the last five minutes, but I'm going to go with it. We are going to take a field trip to the basement and hopefully live through it. This is not a democracy. It's a clusterfuck waiting to happen. I am the freakin' boss so whatever stupid decision I make we will all comply with. And no back talk. Got it?"

Everyone nodded silently. Mac winked. The cats saluted and Sassy flipped me off.

Everything was as it should be.

I smiled.

I still had it.
What
I had, I wasn't exactly sure… but I definitely still had it.

Chapter 10

"Holy shit, they're ugly," Sassy muttered as we all took in the warlocks.

The mini magicmen were huddled together inside of a large metal cage. Cots, pillows and blankets were available to them, but they had ignored the provided comforts. The warlocks congregated in the center and swayed menacingly. Sassy was correct. They were ugly—and angry. Their small older-than-dirt bodies trembled with fury. It was unnerving. Even the cats were uncomfortable and strangely quiet.

The basement of my new home happened to be filled with cages. When I'd first arrived it had been a mystery to me. Turns out it was a hospital of sorts for the Shifters. The cages were for their safety while injured. I didn't particularly like them, but the Shifters didn't seem to mind.

However, the warlocks didn't seem to be enjoying them at all.

"So what do you do to get inside their heads?" I asked Sassy as I nervously watched the warlocks watching us.

"Well, um…" she started hesitantly.

"You don't have a clue, do you?" I hissed.

Damn it, I should have made her leave when I'd had the chance. This had disaster written all over it. I could always just ask the bastards which one had let the honey badger go. I had nothing to lose. It might even work.

"Can they use magic?" Mac asked as he removed his shirt and went for his pants.

"The chains should preclude them from it or at the very least dull their power," I said as I gaped at him. This was not the time or the place to have a quickie. "What exactly are you doing?"

"I'm going to shift," he informed me with a knowing grin. "I'll be better able to protect you."

"Right," I said as the heat moved swiftly up my neck and landed on my face. "I knew that."

"Like you knew number seven?" he asked.

"Exactly like I knew number seven," I answered with a giggle.

"Do you have an eight pack?" Sassy asked Mac breathlessly.

"Do you value your eyesight?" I snapped at the swooning Sassy as I stepped in front of a partially naked Mac.

"Yep," she replied quickly and lowered her eyes. "But that is one impressive stomach. You're really lucky."

"I have a three pack," Fat Bastard volunteered.

"Where?" Sassy asked.

"Under my love padding," he told her without cracking a smile.

"Enough," I snapped. "We have stuff to do. You either can or can't get into their minds. Which is it?"

"I can," she said with more confidence than sense. "I can and I will. Didn't you say your wolf had a son?"

"I did," I replied and bit back my laugh.

"Is he available?" she inquired.

I glanced over at Mac who shrugged and chuckled. Picturing Jeeves and Sassy together was absolutely wrong on every level.

"Yes. Yes, he's available. But first we have to make it out of the basement alive in order for you to hit on him."

"I'm on it," Sassy said now far more determined than she had been just moments ago.

She was such a hooker.

"All right you itty bitty little sons of bitches," she shouted. "I'm about to blow your minds."

"Wait. You're not really going to blow up their minds," I whispered frantically as I grabbed Sassy's arm.

"I sure as fuck hope not," she whispered back. "That would be a damn mess."

"You will do no such thing," the meanest looking warlock in the front bellowed. "I forbid it."

"You're not in any kind of position to be giving orders here, little dude," I said as I stepped toward the cage.

Mac was right with me in his wolf form. His large body was pressed against mine. The cats stood between Mac's front paws and Sassy flanked my other side. The warlocks glared and gnashed their teeth.

"
You're
the powerful one?" The small man laughed derisively and the rest of the tiny turds joined him.

"Never underestimate the power of stupidity," Boba Fett reminded me.

"Where did you hear that?" I asked while keeping my eyes trained on the warlocks.

"Some really smart, wildly unstable, cat hating witch said it to me recently," he replied.

"Must have been a brilliant witch," I said.

"That remains to be seen," Boba shot back with a smirk.

It certainly did.

"Alright, I'm going to give you douchewanks a chance to do this the easy way," I nicely explained to the angry mob in the cage. "You can tell me which one of you idiots let the honey badger go and the rest of you can go home to your caves. Or we can do it the hard, untested and somewhat dangerous way."

"And that would be?" one of the warlocks snarled.

Goddess, they were a nasty bunch.

"That would be a mind meld, brain freeze, info gathering cluster-humper of a first time try on something other than a cat," Sassy informed them as she cracked her knuckles and adjusted her ample bosom.

"Oh hell no," a warlock mumbled.

"That's right, assmonkeys." I backed up my former foe with force, and a confidence I was far from feeling. "Start talking or Sassy will go ape shit on your brain matter."

"This is ridiculous," the one in the front said as he raised his hands in the air and narrowed his gaze at us.

"Put your hands down. Now," I warned as I raised my own. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Like you could hurt us," he growled and raised his hands higher.

"Duck," Fat Bastard shouted as a massive and violent streak of magenta magic left the warlocks’ hands and flew at our group.

So much for their magic being muted…

Mac shoved Sassy and me behind him and the cats—well, they freakin' blew my mind.

It felt like slow motion, but it was fast and it was vicious. Fat Bastard hopped up and planted his back kitty feet in second position and raised his front paws in the air. Jango Fett back-flipped on to Fat Bastard's outstretched paws and Boba climbed to the top of the furry pyramid. The fat furry felines now stood piled high about six feet tall and were hissing and screeching like a deflating hot air balloon.

The magic bolt hit Jango square in the chest and I screamed. Burning cat fur singed my nose and brought tears to my eyes. I prayed to the Goddess I could heal him when this ended. I didn't really like him and his grabby paws much, but he'd just taken one for the team.

Boba leaned forward and ingested the sparks from the massive fiery zap and belched loudly. The warlocks watched in fascinated shock as Fat Bastard reached up and set his own paws on fire with the singed fur of Jango who stood atop him.

I was going to have a shit ton of healing to do if this is what the dorky cats did for fun… however, they'd only just begun.

"Fire," Fat Bastard ordered.

"Oh shit, get low," Sassy cried out as she pulled me to the floor next to her. "This is about to get ugly."

She was correct.

All three cats contorted in ways their girth should have prohibited them from moving. It was almost balletic… if you could call what the fat furballs did ballet. The magenta blast they'd taken in grew in size at least ten times as it whirled and swirled around them. They laughed maniacally as the warlocks blanched and tried to back up.

"Shoot the fuckers!" Boba grunted as he coughed up the magic he'd eaten like a hairball from hell.

The enormous flaming streak flew right back at the warlock who'd sent it and he screamed in agony as it zapped the hell out of him and his cronies. The hopping, wailing and swearing was almost funny, but I was unsure if they were just damaged or burning to death.

"Oh my Goddess, are they dying?" I asked Sassy as I tried to make out what was happening through the billowing smoke.

"Not real sure," she admitted with a shudder as the screaming increased. "We can’t exactly get info out of dead guys."

"That is probably the smartest thing you've ever said," I told her.

"Really?" she asked, delighted.

"Yes. Really."

I stood up and raised one hand to the sky. I held my nose with the other as I was terrified I'd throw up due to the stench. Puking in the middle of a spell was sure to result in something very very bad.

“Goddess on high, come to my aid

Stop the destruction the good cats have made

Spare the un-tried, withdraw the last hit

Help me deal with these warlocks even though they are… um… shit”

Waving my hand I let a soothing lavender haze leave my body. The billowing smoke and orange flames receded quickly and the stench of burning flesh and hair disappeared. Thankfully my cats were fine. They needed a bath but they were alive and quite pleased with themselves. The warlocks on the other hand hadn’t fared nearly as well, but they weren't dead and crispy. I shuddered at the thought of what that blast would have done to us if the cats hadn't been here.

Mac, still in his wolf form, growled menacingly at the shocked and injured warlocks. Sassy gathered the cats close.

"You little shits were amazing," she cooed as she patted out some still smoking fur on Boba Fett. "Your magic is far more enjoyable when it's not aimed at my ass.

"Interesting spell," Fat Bastard commented as he preened under Sassy's attention.

"Shut the fuck up, I was under pressure," I informed him defensively. Even I was surprised I'd used an expletive in my magic. "It worked didn't it?"

"It did," he conceded with grin.

"You're evil," the smoking warlock in the front cried out as he smacked at his still smoldering clothes.

"Pot, kettle, black," I shot back. "I certainly hope you little jerks have learned a lesson here. My cats can kick your ass. No more funny stuff or I let you fry. We clear?"

"You're keeping us?" Boba Fett inquired hopefully.

"Um… yes," I said as I dropped my chin to my chest.

Mac turned and gave me a funny look, but I just shrugged and rolled my eyes. What was I supposed to do? They'd saved our lives. The old Zelda would have said thank you grudgingly and then kicked the disgusting bastards out. The new Zelda couldn't do that. I wasn't sure if I liked the new Zelda, but she wasn't giving me much of a choice.

Need damn therapist. Yesterday.

"I'm keeping you for now, but all three of you are on probation," I warned. "You touch my boobs or butt, we're going to the driveway to test my backing-over-cat skills."

"Roger that," Jango said happily as he patted down his privates for burning embers. "What about side boob?"

I gave him a glare which zipped his kitty lips. Mac punctuated my warning with a growl.

"So boss-lady, what do you wanna do here?" Sassy asked as she stood up and examined the warlocks.

"You want to try your unskilled hand at interrogation?" I asked her.

"Yes. Yes I do. Let me keep the cats down here with me and I'll be fine," she said. "Give me two hours and I'll have your bad guy. And I swear if I blow one up, it will be an accident."

"Good enough for me," I said as the warlocks squeaked in fear. "I'd suggest you refrain from throwing any more zingers," I advised the little magic turds. "My cats will shoot it right back and I won't be down here to save your mean little asses. Capisce?"

"Excellent choice of word," Jango complimented me. "I use it daily."

'Thank you."

"Welcome, Dollface."

"Sassy, you will be careful. I don't like you, but you're beginning to grow on me like a slightly irritating fungus. I also like my house and want it to stay in one piece."