Winter Wishes (34 page)

“Of course you’re not,” she said gently.

“I hoped that I was wrong about my dates when I found out I was pregnant, but then Morgan was born a month early,” Tara continued quietly. “I thought about telling Danny but I could see how thrilled he was with the baby and I couldn’t bear to spoil that. I guess I was scared to in case he left. If Dan suspected anything he never said so, but looking back things were never really right with us. I think we only lasted as long as we did because he was always away on tours of duty.”

“And are you sure about this?” Jules asked. “Lots of babies are born early.”

“I wish I wasn’t but there’s no mistake. When Morgan had his appendix out I found out that his blood group was A. I’m a B; I know that from my caesarean section. Then Danny got hurt and he needed pints of the stuff, which was O.”

“You’ve lost me.”

Tara pushed her cup away and looked up at Jules. Her hazel eyes shone with sadness. “It means there’s no way Danny could be Morgan’s biological father. No way at all.”

The two women stared at one another.

“And Danny knows this?” Jules whispered. His heart must have broken and the thought of this made her want to weep for him.

“When he was hurt in the roadside bomb blast we thought we were going to lose him,” Tara said quietly. “I was so scared that he was going to die and I panicked.”

“So you told him the truth.” Jules wasn’t asking. She’d seen this before. People often confessed the worst things at the worst times.

“I tried to but he went mad and started yelling at me. He said he’d already lost his arm and his career and that he wasn’t going to lose his son too.” Tara dabbed her eyes with her sleeve. “It turns out that he’d always suspected but he’d never breathed a word because he loves Morgan. Danny didn’t want to know the truth. I took away that choice and he’ll never forgive me for it.”

Jules passed her the kitchen roll. As Tara pulled several sheets of tissue paper from it, Jules was aware of all her own assumptions unravelling as well.

“That’s why he wouldn’t let you visit him in the hospital?” Jules asked.

“Of course it was. Our marriage was over from the second I confirmed what he’d always feared. He’d lost nearly everything then, don’t you see? And then I took away the one good thing that he still had. That was when I knew our marriage was as good as over, even if it struggled on for a few more months. There was no way we could recover. I know that now.”

It was so much to take in. Jules felt as though, after months of stumbling around in the gloom, someone had suddenly switched on a spotlight and blinded her with the facts.

“Danny’s an amazing father,” she said. “He loves Morgan.”

Tara blew her nose. “I know, and he
is
Morgan’s father in every way that matters. It’s not biology that makes a man a dad. He’s promised me that he’ll never mention it to anyone until we decide that the time’s right, and I know he’ll keep his word. Danny would rather break his heart than break his word.”

Jules thought of all the times Danny had insisted that things between Tara and himself could never be resolved. He’d asked Jules to take him on trust but she hadn’t been able to – and yet he’d never broken his promise. Now she finally understood why he was so adamant that he wanted to draw a line under his marriage.

“I expect you think I’m a real bitch, don’t you?” Tara said sadly. “I wouldn’t blame you. I don’t like myself very much sometimes.”

“Tara, I’d never think that. You made a mistake and you’ve paid for it terribly.”

“Some mistake.” Tara hung her head.

“A mistake,” Jules repeated. “You’re human. We all are and that means we mess up. All of us.”

Tara laughed. “Even vicars?”

“Especially vicars,” Jules said firmly, thinking about how much she had messed up by falling in love with Danny. “Tara, did you intend to hurt Danny? Did you set out to deceive him? Of course not.”

“But I did those things.
I
did them.”

“And I can tell you’ve regretted them bitterly. Danny has forgiven you, hasn’t he? I’ve seen more peace in him lately.” Jules paused. “Maybe it’s time you forgave yourself?”

Tara nodded. “If I can salvage something good then I think that might be possible. I think that in time Danny and I can be friends. We’re parents; that’s the most important thing.”

“You’re married.” This particular elephant had been stomping about the kitchen for far too long and Jules knew it was time they acknowledged it.

Tara fixed her with a clear hazel gaze. “Jules, you must understand this: our marriage is over. There is no future for Danny and me. Nothing anyone says or tries to do can change that. Nobody has broken our marriage apart from me.”

The atmosphere in the kitchen was as thick as the snow flurries outside.

“Why are you telling me this?” Jules whispered.

“Because Danny loves you,” Tara said simply. She smiled across the table, and although there was sadness in that smile there was relief and warmth too. “He loves you, Jules Mathieson, and it’s tearing him apart that you’re leaving. He respects your beliefs; in fact, I know he loves you even more for holding true to your values, just like he does. He knows you would never agree to be with him if you thought there was hope for his marriage. But because he won’t break his promise, he’ll never tell you the truth about why it can’t work between us. He thinks he has to watch you walk away. How could I let that happen?” She shook her head. “Hasn’t he lost enough because of me, without losing you as well?”

“And is there no hope for your marriage?” The vicar in Jules had to know the answer.

“None.” Tara was adamant. “We’ve already filed for divorce. There’s no going back. I don’t want to go back. It’s time to move on. What happened, happened and it was because of what I did and nothing to do with you. Danny finding you and falling in love with you is a happy coincidence. Please don’t deny him happiness. He’s so sad right now and he doesn’t deserve it. He’s a good man.”

He was the best of men. The most noble and the most self-sacrificing. Jules’s heart was starting to race. Was there hope? Dare she even start to dream?

“But what about you?” she asked.

Tara shrugged her slim shoulders. “I’ll be fine. Danny doesn’t love me. He’s fond of me and we do have a history but we’re not going to make it as a couple. I know that now and I’ve made my peace with it. I’m not proud of myself – but I am proud of Morgan and I can never, ever regret him. The most important thing is that we’re both there for Morgan.” She looked up and smiled at Jules with real warmth. “Actually, I ought to say that the three of us are there for Morgan. You, me and Dan.”

Jules nodded slowly. The future, which had once seemed as cold and as empty as the icy world outside, was suddenly looking very different. She felt lighter too, as though a burden she’d not known she was carrying had been lifted. She wasn’t to blame for Danny and Tara’s marriage being over and she wasn’t responsible for having to mend it either! The relief was immense. Was this a sign from above?

“And if you’re worrying about what God might have to say,” Tara added, guessing correctly what Jules was thinking, “I’m no expert but I think you should see my coming here as a sign that He wants you and Danny to be happy. I know I certainly do – I wouldn’t have come here otherwise.”

“Thank you,” Jules said quietly. “You don’t know what that means.”

“I think you’ll find I do. I’ve seen how Danny is when he’s with you. Go and find him, Jules. He was going to take Morgan sledging.” She exhaled slowly and then smiled. “I can’t say or do any more now. It’s up to you. Happy Christmas, Jules.”

Once Tara had left, stepping into the snow and vanishing within minutes, Jules stood by the door and paused. Her thoughts were whirling as fast as the flakes in the winter sky, and for a few moments she was unable to think straight. There was so much to take in and her heart was so filled with happiness that she thought she might float away.

Tara had set both Jules and Danny free.

If Jules had prayed for a sign then surely here it was?

Unable to wait a second longer, she grabbed her coat from the peg and headed out into the snowy afternoon.

Chapter 25

By the time Jules reached the village green, the snow was falling so thickly that she could no longer see the church or even the gate to the vicarage. Yellow cones of light tumbled from cottage windows and illuminated the dancing flakes before they descended onto the windowsills, pavements and walls to merge with the ever-higher drifts.

Against all this whiteness Polwenna’s festive lights were doubly bright and its Christmas tree was a splash of acid green. The tree’s limbs were iced with snow and its white and blue bulbs seemed to twinkle with just as much brilliance. Villagers scurried by in coats and hats, calling “Merry Christmas” to one another and exclaiming excitedly about the possibility of it being a white one. Children had made makeshift sledges from tea trays and were racing down any slopes they could find, pink cheeked and whooping with glee while adults watched anxiously.

Jules paused, her eyes screwed up against the glare. It was hard to work out which child was which, as they were all swaddled in thick coats and wearing bobble hats. It was nearly as difficult to differentiate between the adults. The figure standing slightly apart from the others, arms crossed over a generous chest, had to be Sheila in her official capacity as First Responder. Devastated not to have been first on the scene when Ivy was discovered, Sheila was probably desperate for another accident so that she could prove her worth.

Tara’s visit might have lasted only ten minutes but it had changed everything. In light of her revelation, Danny’s inability to give Jules a firm reason why his marriage was over suddenly made perfect sense.
Trust me
, he’d said, but she hadn’t been able to. Trust was a two-way street and at the time she’d felt hurt that he couldn’t share whatever it was with her. Now, though, she completely understood: it hadn’t been his secret to share. She loved him even more for not going back on his word. Would she have been able to keep such a promise if losing Danny had been the price? Jules wasn’t sure. Her fears for her integrity as a vicar seemed to fade away, though; after all, what were these in comparison to a father’s love for his son? Danny loved Morgan. That was why he was prepared to sacrifice his own happiness. He loved his son totally and unconditionally. It was as simple and as uncomplicated as that, and Jules laughed out loud. Of course! Love. A father’s love.

Wasn’t this what Christmas was all about?

She’d been so busy stressing about the technicalities and the nuances of certain Biblical verses that she’d forgotten the greatest commandment of all. She’d overcomplicated the most important thing about being the vicar of Polwenna Bay. Yes, leading by example was part of it, as was being able to support and guide her parishioners, but most of all she had to love them.

And she did love them, Jules realised as she watched Big Rog helping his grandchildren onto a home-made sledge while Sheila lectured him. From Ivy to the Pollards to Caspar, she had come to care deeply about these people and this place.

But most of all she loved Danny Tremaine.

She saw him now, standing apart from the others at the foot of the hill and watching Morgan zoom down with Issie. Danny was smiling but there was an air of isolation and sadness about him that broke her heart.

He must have sensed Jules looking; almost immediately he turned his head, and for a moment they stared at one another through the snow. Her breath caught in her throat because, in spite of his injuries, Danny was still the most handsome man she had ever seen. Tall, broad shouldered and with that burning blue gaze that made her head spin. She couldn’t speak or move; she was frozen not by the cold but by the knowledge that this was one of the most important turning points of her life.

Danny said something to Issie, who nodded and took Morgan’s hand, tugging the small boy and the sledge back uphill. Then he joined Jules.

“You know, don’t you?” he said quietly.

Jules took a deep breath. “Tara told me everything, Dan. Everything.”

He bit his lip and then nodded. “I never asked that, never expected it of her. She must really think highly of you, Jules.”

“It’s you she thinks highly of,” Jules answered softly. “She wanted me to understand that you and she were over. She understood that I had to know one hundred percent that it wasn’t my fault.”

Danny looked upset. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the truth. I wanted to so very much but it wasn’t my secret to tell.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t understand before what it was you were keeping back from me,” Jules said. “I really thought that it was my fault you and Tara weren’t back together. I thought that if I went away you guys would be able to sort it out.”

His gaze never left hers. “Some things can’t be sorted out, at least not in a neat and tidy fashion.”

“I know that now,” she said. “I should have trusted you and listened to what you were saying, Danny. I’m sorry.”

His lips quirked upwards. “Somebody once told me that trust is a two-way street.”

“Sounds like something a very wise person would say,” Jules deadpanned, and he laughed.

“I won’t argue with that – although the same person can be very stubborn at times.”

“Only because I want to do the right thing,” Jules said. “And that has to be by my faith as well as by everyone else.”

“I know that and I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

She tilted her head up to look at him. Snowflakes were dancing all around them and settling on his eyelashes.

“So you still want me then? Even after I told you to walk away?”

He stepped forward and took her hand in his. “Jules, there’s so much in my life that I owe to you. I’m not the angry person I was six months ago, and that’s down to you. You’ve helped me become a better man. Tara and I have made our peace now and that’s thanks to you too in so many ways. Forgiveness is also a two-way street.” His gloved fingers squeezed hers. “I think you know the answer to your question. Maybe I ought to ask whether you still want me?”