Winter Journal (24 page)

Talking to your father in your dreams. For many years now, he has been visiting you in a dark room on the other side of consciousness, sitting down at a table with you for long, unhurried conversations, calm and circumspect, always treating you with kindness and goodwill, always listening carefully to what you say to him, but once the dream is over and you wake up, you can’t recall a single word either one of you said.

Sneezing and laughing, yawning and crying, burping and coughing, scratching your ears, rubbing your eyes, blowing your nose, clearing your throat, chewing your lips, rolling your tongue over the backs of your lower teeth, shuddering, farting, hiccuping, wiping sweat from your forehead, running your hands through your hair—how many times have you done those things? How many stubbed toes, smashed fingers, and knocks on the head? How many stumbles, slips, and falls? How many
blinks of your eyes? How many steps taken? How many hours spent with a pen in your hand? How many kisses given and received?

Holding your infant children in your arms.

Holding your wife in your arms.

Your bare feet on the cold floor as you climb out of bed and walk to the window. You are sixty-four years old. Outside, the air is gray, almost white, with no sun visible. You ask yourself: How many mornings are left?

A door has closed. Another door has opened.

You have entered the winter of your life.

(2011)

About the Author

PAUL AUSTER
is the bestselling author of
Sunset Park, Invisible, The Book of Illusions
, and The New York Trilogy, among many other works. In 2006, he was awarded the Prince of Asturias Prize for Literature. Among his other honors are the Prix Médicis étranger for
Leviathan
, the Independent Spirit Award for the screenplay of
Smoke
, and the Premio Napoli for
Sunset Park
. He has also been a finalist for the International
IMPAC
Dublin Literary Award (
The Book of Illusions
), the
PEN
/Faulkner Award for Fiction (
The Music of Chance
), and the Edgar Award (
City of Glass
). He is a member of the American Academy of Arts and Letters, the American Academy of Arts and Sciences, and is a Commandeur de l’Ordre des Arts et des Lettres. His work has been translated into forty-three languages. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.