While My Eyes Were Closed (8 page)

‘When was it taken?’

‘Last month.’

‘OK. And are you happy for us to circulate it to all officers and to the media too if necessary?’

I don’t like the way he says ‘if necessary’. I don’t want to even think about what that means. I nod anyway.

‘Thank you. Can you email it to this address please?’ He pulls out a card and gives it to me. My fingers are shaking as I type the email address. I attach the photo and press Send. His phone beeps almost instantly.

‘Right,’ he says. ‘If you’ll excuse me I need to get this out. You stay put and I promise to keep you informed of any developments.’

I nod again. Feeling like a spare part in all of this.

‘What can I do to help?’ I ask.

‘You could contact all your friends and family to check that they haven’t seen her. Does she know anyone who lives within walking distance of the park?’

I think for a moment, but there’s no one. No one at all. I shake my head.

‘OK, well, keep thinking. One of my colleagues will be along to go through your phone contacts with you at some point.’

He gives me what I presume is supposed to be a reassuring smile and walks off, talking into his radio.

Dad looks at me. ‘Does Alex know?’ he asks.

‘No. His phone’s turned off. He’s in a meeting. I’ve left a message for him to call me when he comes out.’

‘Right.’ He is silent again for a bit.

‘Do you remember seeing any blokes hanging about the playground?’ he asks.

‘Dad, don’t.’

‘What? If some bastard’s taken her then he must have been in the park at the same time.’

I shut my eyes for a second and sit down heavily on the ground, aware that my legs don’t feel capable of supporting me any more. Dad kneels down and puts his arm around my shoulders.

‘Look, I didn’t mean to upset you, love.’

‘I know. I just keep hoping she’ll come running across the grass any minute, laughing that we took so long to find her.’

Dad doesn’t say anything because he knows, like me, that it’s not going to happen.

‘I’m going to go and look for her,’ he says eventually, getting to his feet.

‘Where?’

‘Outside the park. In the streets around here. I need to do summat. Keep myself busy, like.’

‘OK. Have you got your phone on?’

He nods. ‘Call me if you need me, Lis. Are you going to be all right on your own?’

‘Yeah. I’ll get in touch with people, like the copper said. Just in case, like.’

Dad opens his mouth to say something but shuts it again. I watch him walk off, his footsteps heavy, his
head low. A few seconds later I hear him calling Ella’s name. It is half-hearted though. Like he knows she can’t hear him.

I take out my phone. The sun has disappeared behind the clouds now so the screen is easier to see. Still nothing from Alex. I call his number again just in case he hasn’t picked up the voicemail. I don’t leave another message though. I don’t know what else I can say. Instead I go to my contacts and start scrolling down the massive list of mobile numbers and email addresses. They’re a mixture of friends, family and clients. There are people who I haven’t spoken to for years. The gas man who fitted our new boiler. Clients who stopped their personal training sessions ages ago, whose faces I can barely remember. I can’t bring myself to phone anyone, but I can text people. I can at least do that.

I start trying to compose a text. I keep deleting words because I don’t want to worry people and then I remember that it is not the time to be stupid like that.

In the end I settle on ‘Ella has been missing from Grange Park, Halifax since 3.10 this afternoon. If you have seen her anywhere since please text me asap. Please don’t phone as trying to keep line free.’

I send the text, trying not to think about the looks on people’s faces as they receive it. Within a couple of moments the replies start coming in. I read the first couple, both about how awful it is and that if there is
anything they can do to help . . . I don’t even register who they are from. It doesn’t really matter.

I glance up, aware that someone is standing next to me. It is the woman who sent her son to look for Ella. She is holding a polystyrene cup.

‘I got you a tea, but if you’d rather a coffee just say and I can go back and get you one.’

‘No. Tea’s fine. Thank you. How much do I owe you?’

‘Don’t be daft,’ she replies, handing it to me.

‘Thanks.’

‘Dan’s still looking,’ she says. ‘He’s determined to find her.’

‘That’s really kind of him,’ I say. ‘But don’t worry. The police are here now. You guys can get on home.’

She gives a little nod and walks away. I notice the police are grouped together having some kind of meeting. I wonder if I should go over and join them or if they will all stop talking when I arrive. I look at my watch again. I swear the hands haven’t moved since the last time. The texts are coming in thick and fast now. I check each one in case, but they all just say how sorry they are and that they’re thinking of me. No one has seen her. I wish I could turn the bloody thing off now but I can’t in case Alex rings.

I sit down on the grass and try to summon up something obvious that I haven’t thought of yet. A reason why she would have gone off with someone, an explanation for the fact that she has disappeared,
and no one, least of all me, saw or heard anything. The only thing I can think of is the balloon. If she maybe saw it and went running off after it. If she’s cross at me for losing it and upset enough to be hiding somewhere. I still don’t think she would do that. But I also know that if I rule out the possibility, all I am left with is the horrible, scary explanations. I feel a bit light-headed and put my head between my knees for a moment. When I look up the police meeting appears to have broken up, the officers walking off purposefully in different directions. Sergeant Fuller heads back over to me.

‘OK,’ he says. ‘Ella’s photo has gone out to all officers and to the media.’

‘You think someone’s taken her, don’t you?’

‘I think we need to get as many people as possible looking for her. It’s pretty instant these days with Facebook, Twitter and whatnot. And very often in these cases a member of the public will find the child. If she has simply wandered off after her balloon, we need the public to be looking out for her.’

‘I still think someone’s taken her.’

‘Have you talked to her about not going with strangers?’

‘Yes . . . well, I mean as much as you can with a four-year-old without scaring the life out of them.’

‘And if someone did try to take her, how do you think she’d react?’

‘She’d shout and scream, make a big fuss. She’s not a shrinking violet. She’s got an older brother, she’s used to standing her ground.’

He looks at me and nods.

‘No one’s being allowed to leave the park without us filming them. We’re getting names and addresses, asking for statements.’

‘Has anyone seen anything?’

He shakes his head.

‘What about the people who left before you arrived? How are you going to find them?’

‘We’ll put out appeals through the media. I’m sure they’ll come forward.’

I look down at my feet. ‘I should have called you earlier, I feel so bloody stupid. She could be anywhere by now.’

‘Come on. We need you to keep positive. Is there anyone who can come and be with you?’

‘My dad’s still here but he’s gone off to look for her. He’s not good at waiting around.’

He nods. Hesitates for a moment. ‘Look, I need to ask about Ella’s father. Do you live together?’

‘Yeah. We’re married. He’s working in Manchester. He doesn’t even know yet. I’ve left him a message.’

‘OK. I’m going to send one of my officers over to you to take his details and the names and details of everyone in your family. Your friends too. And everyone at the kiddies’ party earlier.’

‘I’ve already texted everyone.’

‘That’s great, but we still need to contact them ourselves.’

‘You think it’s someone she knows, don’t you?’

‘We have to build up a picture of everyone she knows, everyone she’s come into contact with. To be honest, the younger they are, the easier it is. When they’re teenagers they’ve had contact with that many people on social media it’s a nightmare.’

I think of Chloe. He’s right. I wouldn’t have a clue how many people she’s chatted to online.

‘Sure, whatever I can do to help.’

‘We’ve got a lot of officers out there now, so please be assured we’re doing everything we can.’

I nod. He walks away. I wish to hell I hadn’t taken that call on my mobile.

*

Alex finally calls at five fifteen.

‘Have you found her yet?’

‘No. There’s no sign. Police are searching everywhere.’

‘The police?’

‘Well, yeah. She’s gone missing, Alex. I had to call them.’

‘Oh Jeez.’ I can picture his face, almost hear it falling down the phone.

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have joked about it. I just didn’t think she could actually have disappeared. I didn’t see how that would even be possible.’

I hesitate, wondering if I should tell him about the phone call. I decide to wait to do it in person.

‘I know.’

‘Maybe she simply wandered off.’

‘Maybe. I did lose her balloon from the party. I don’t know exactly when, but I must have let go of it at some point.’

‘That’s it, then. She’ll have seen it and followed. That’s how she’ll have left the park.’

I turn my head away from the phone so Alex doesn’t hear me sigh. Usually his optimism is refreshing. Right now it seems ridiculously naive. I don’t want to stick a pin in his bubble but at the same time I know we both need to be realistic.

‘I don’t think so, love. I don’t think she’d have left the park without me. Not even for that.’

There is a moment’s hesitation at the other end of the line.

‘Well, I’m sure there’s an innocent explanation of some kind. Look, I’m leaving now. I’ll come straight there. It might take a while, mind, with Friday-night traffic. Is anyone with you?’

‘Dad came but he’s gone off looking for Ella. Mum’s got Otis.’

‘Right, well I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

‘I gave the cops a photo of her. They’ve sent it to the media. Just so you know, like.’

‘Great,’ he says. ‘Hopefully someone will find her
pretty sharpish.’ I wish he wouldn’t sound so upbeat about this. I want him to scream and shout and swear down the phone. I want to know he is feeling the same pain inside as me.

‘I’ll let you know then, if I hear anything, like.’

‘Yeah. Thanks. It’ll be fine, I’m sure. They’ll probably have found her by the time I get there.’

‘Yeah,’ I say, ending the call and wishing I could believe him.

*

Dad comes back half an hour later. Tony is with him, for once out of his overalls, in jeans and a T-shirt. He gives me a hug. I think it’s that which upsets me most. The only other time I can remember him giving me a hug was at Grandma’s funeral.

I look across at Dad. He shakes his head.

‘We’ve done all the roads around here. Asked everyone we saw. Cops are all over the place too.’

‘She’s probably a long way from here by now,’ I say.

Tony looks down at his feet, scuffs a trainer in the dry grass. Sometimes I swear he is still my ten-year-old kid brother, struggling with the news that he is going to be an uncle.

‘Someone must have seen summat,’ says Dad. ‘They’ll come forward when it’s on the news tonight. Calendar TV van’s outside the park. Their chappie was filming the search, like.’

‘Did you talk to him?’

‘Only to find out if it’ll be on the teatime programme.’

I look up at the sky. My life has turned into a bloody soap opera in a matter of hours. People are going to be stuffing their faces watching the telly, seeing a picture of my little girl. My little girl, who isn’t here any more because I wasn’t fucking paying attention.

I walk a few steps away. I can’t deal with this right now. Not here, in the middle of a park with loads of people everywhere.

‘Why don’t you go home?’ Dad says. ‘We’ll stay here. We’ll call you as soon as she turns up.’

I shake my head. ‘No. I’m not leaving, not without her. I brought her to the park and I’ll take her home again.’

Dad looks at Tony. They don’t know what to say because I’m upset and they can’t handle it. They used to leave all that stuff to Mum to deal with. I wish Mum were here but she can’t be because she has to be with Otis, and the one thing I am sure of is that I don’t want him to be here.

One of the coppers comes back over. The one who asked me for all the names on my phone. I can’t remember what his name is. I’ve lost track of them all now.

‘Is there anybody in at your house?’ he asks.

I shake my head.

‘Only we’d like to go and search it, if that’s OK.’

I look at Dad. I know exactly what he is thinking but he doesn’t give me a chance to say anything before he jumps in: ‘She’s not fucking there, is she?’

‘I’m sorry, sir, but we need to search the missing person’s home. It’s standard procedure in these cases.’

‘You can stick your standard procedures where the sun don’t shine, sonny. Some pervert’s got my granddaughter and you want to try and pin this one on us.’

‘Dad, leave it,’ I say. ‘You’ll only make things worse.’

‘Worse? How can they be worse than this? Ella’s missing and they think her own family’s got summat to do with it.’

‘Please understand that we have to rule out the possibility that she might have got back home somehow. She could be hiding somewhere in the house, thinking she’s in trouble. We have to eliminate every possibility.’

I sigh and nod my head, knowing he’s right.

‘I’ll go with them, if you want,’ says Tony.

I nod, realising he’ll be more use there than here. I fish my house keys out of my pocket and hand them to him. ‘Thanks.’

The copper looks at me. ‘We’d like your permission to search the whole property – garden, outbuildings, everywhere.’

‘Fucking hell, what is this?’ says Dad.

I grab hold of his arm. ‘Enough.’ I turn back to the copper. ‘That’s fine. Whatever you have to do.’