Where Forever Lies (17 page)

She shook
her head and took another long sip, trying to unwind from the
stressful day. She wanted to push all her thoughts aside but they
just wouldn’t go. Her mind wanted to stress about things she
had no control over. Mary, the newest patient on her floor came to
her mind. She was an older lady who was the sweetest woman Paige had
ever met, but she was also dying. Paige knew she wouldn’t be
there long because she would be going to the Hospice center soon, but
the look in her eyes was haunting and heartbreaking. For some reason
Paige couldn’t get Mary’s tired face out of her mind.
This job of hers broke her heart at times, but these were the cases
where she knew she had to step it up and pour her heart into her job
to make sure the patients knew someone cared and would be there for
them. She knew that’s what she had to do this time, even though
it was hard. Mary needed someone to make her feel comfortable during
her last days and Paige was determined to find her strength and help
her.

She pushed
away from the counter, aggravated that she couldn’t get her
mind to quiet when she needed it to the most. Holding an empty glass,
she grabbed the wine bottle, poured a little more wine and then
headed towards her balcony. The night was clear and as she stepped
onto her balcony, the cool concrete felt good against her bare feet.
She leaned against the railing, looking down at the city below and
slowly sipped on her glass of wine. Sweet Haven wasn’t a huge
city, but it was big enough, with plenty to do and see, and it always
felt like where she belonged. She thought about Tyler’s place
out in the country, how peaceful it was out there, and then the blast
of a horn sounded down the street, tearing her out of her thoughts.
She cringed as another horn blared and couldn’t believe she’d
never noticed all the noise before.

What
has he done to me?
she
thought to herself.

She’d
been content and relaxed with her life before she’d met him,
now she was finding herself second guessing things. Second guessing
her life. She wondered what he was doing. He had never responded to
the text she sent last week. It was now Thursday night and the past
week and a half had just flown by. She’d been so busy with
looking for, and finally buying, a new car, working long hours, and
taking care of Kyra that time had just slipped by. That was one of
the reasons she had pushed off dating. She was always so busy. She
thought their date had gone well, but doubt was beginning to poison
her thoughts. Maybe he’d decided they were too different to
have a chance. Or maybe her prissiness was too much of a turn off for
him. She hoped none of those were the case. She wanted to kick
herself for expecting anything from that one date anyway.

She sighed
as she looked out into the night sky, wondering why she let her
emotions loose on a guy. She had told herself to take it slow but
instead she’d let her guard down a little too much and the
feelings she had started to have for him had been able to seep out.
She was scared of getting hurt again, of dealing with another loss,
even if it was only from a guy she barely knew. But loss was still
loss. It was all the same. It still hurts when someone you have
feelings for leaves you and it hurts even more when they do it
because you’re not good enough for them. She’d been down
both roads lately and she was beginning to wonder if she should risk
all the hurt again. She needed to heal from her grief, not find more
sorrow and she wasn’t sure if Tyler Evans was going to help her
heal or cause her more pain. The uncertainty of it all made her
stomach churn. She hated not being in control of things, especially
her feelings.

She set
her wine glass down on the small metal table and walked over to her
telescope. She loved sitting out here alone at night, looking out at
the stars, and just letting her mind escape. It was her small place
of peace. Her sanctuary. Her life was always so busy, so chaotic,
that coming out here at night gave her a chance to reflect on things.

As she
peered through the telescope and saw the stars glittering above her,
she instantly felt a calmness rising from deep within her. Looking
through the telescope was almost hypnotizing to her. It showed her
that there was another layer to her world that had not fully been
discovered. It made her think of her own life. Life has so many
layers that it takes your whole lifetime to discover them all and
even that’s not enough time. But looking at the beauty of the
stars above her made her realize that life can be beautiful despite
the darkness that surrounds it. She knew she would get through this
dark time in her life and find the peace she knew she deserved, it
would just take time. The question was, when would that happen? How
long would she have to suffer the feeling of grief and despair to get
to that peaceful state? The answer wasn’t within her reach
right now. All she knew was she had to take one day at a time and
remind herself to see the positives and not dwell on what she had no
control over.

Each
twinkling of a star gave her hope, made her believe that she was
strong, and could handle the toughest situations. From this distance,
each star looked so fragile as it seemed to hang effortlessly among
the grasp of darkness. But stars were able to live and shine for
millions of years and were a lot tougher than they appeared. Paige
knew she was strong but life made her feel weak.

She pulled
away from the telescope, drank the last of the wine in her glass, and
decided to head to bed. She locked the door, and after washing her
wine glass, she climbed into bed. After a little wine and some
reflection from the sky, she felt a little bit better. A little bit
lighter. Her heart was still heavy but she felt like she could now
lift the weights that tried to hold her down. Pulling the covers up
to her chin, she felt her mind finally slowing down. It was nice and
she relished the feeling for a few minutes before she let herself go
to sleep.

As she
began to drift to sleep, her mind flashed to memories of Randy and
Natasha. Instead of the bad ones, she found herself thinking about
the good times she’d shared with them. She realized she rarely
thought of the happy times she’d had with them and vowed to do
that more often. She knew it was time to start doing that, but it was
hard to make herself forget how they were no longer here. There were
plenty of good memories; she’d known both of them for years.
Even though their lives had been cut short, she’d still had
plenty of wonderful times with them, and it was time to start
thinking about those times instead of only concentrating on the hurt
of losing them.

She let
each good memory stay in her mind for a long time before letting it
slip away. She wanted to sear the happy times into her mind in hopes
that it would shine brighter than the haunting memories that seemed
to keep showing up. The bad ones would fade eventually, she knew
that, but she also knew they’d never completely go. They would
always be there in the background, showing just a sliver of
themselves, but it would be enough to remind her of what was missing
in her life.

♥♥♥

The smell
of death and sorrow struck her nose and she was suddenly aware of
where she was. Her eyes scanned the room at the old paintings of
flowers, the burgundy carpet and a bunch of empty chairs that were
all facing forward. Her motions felt slow, deliberate, and the fact
that she was dreaming briefly crossed her mind. She hated dreams,
they always brought her pain. She couldn’t remember the last
good dream she’d had.

The sight
of two coffins this time struck her as odd. She’d never been to
a funeral or showing where they had two dead people in the same room.
Her feet began to take her forward, almost as if they were moving all
on their own. She felt the panic begin to rise in her throat the
closer she got because she knew who was waiting for her in those
mahogany coffins. She willed her feet to slow down as she walked in a
daze past the vacant chairs, the coffins getting closer and closer.
She wanted to close her eyes but no matter how hard she tried, they
wouldn’t shut. It was as if she had no choice but to see what
was waiting for her.

Fear was
beginning to seize her as she waited for Natasha to rise up from her
coffin and look blankly at her as she’d seen happen in all her
other dreams. Each step felt like a ticking time bomb, just waiting
for the explosion of her loved ones death’s to hit her again.
She reached out and touched each empty chair as she walked down to
the front, the coolness of the metal matching the cold, vacant
feeling in her heart. Her arms were heavy, leaden with the unwanted
need to know what she was about to see.

The last
step came and her eyes were finally able to see inside each coffin.
Her body stiffened even more by what her eyes fell upon. Confusion
coursed through her body, making her clench the last metal chair. Her
eyes darted back and forth between the two, wondering if this was
some evil joke.

They were
empty.

Her eyes
went to the picture of Randy in front of his casket... where he
should be lying. The funeral program was directly under his picture,
outlining the important parts of his life. She looked at his smiling
picture, remembering everything about him.

Paige
looked to her right and saw one for Natasha as well. Her legs carried
her over to the other casket without any problems, and as she stood
in front of her empty space, she just stared at her picture. Natasha
was smiling as well, looking carefree and happy despite the turmoil
that had flooded her mind while she was alive. The picture showed
Paige that there was a time in her life when things were okay with
her. The funeral program was underneath her picture. Paige scanned
the program, reading all the good things her family remembered about
her.

She ran
her hand over the dark, mahogany coffin, feeling confused as to why
they were both empty, when all of a sudden the room around her began
to fade, turning black as the coffins disintegrated into the
darkness.

She gasped
as she bolted up in her bed, clutching the covers tightly around her.
Sweat was dripping down her forehead and she wiped it away with the
back of her hand. Rolling over on her side, she stared at the wall,
counting backwards from one hundred as her mind kept replaying the
nightmare.

As Paige
slowly walked down the long hall, her tennis shoes squeaked loudly on
the white tiled floor, and the sounds of patients murmuring and
groaning were in the distance. The smell of disinfectant, which was
so strong it would bother most people, was barely noticeable to her.
These were the sounds and smells of purpose in her life. These were
her normal everyday occurrences and they were part of the reason that
made her get up every day at five a.m. The first reason was to
provide for her daughter.

She came
up to the nurse’s station and settled into her chair to go over
some files, when Kyleigh plopped down in the chair beside her.

“Hey,”
Kyleigh said, as she curiously eyed her up and down, looking as if
she had something on her mind.

“Hey.
What’s up?” Paige asked nonchalantly, as she scanned
through the pile of files, figuring she’d be here a good hour
entering them all into the computer.

“Well,
how are you doing? I haven’t really talked to you all week.
What’s been going on?” Kyleigh asked, as she rested her
cheek on her hand and stared at her, waiting for her answer.

Paige knew
she’d been quiet at work lately, but she was hoping no one had
really noticed. Of course she should have known that Kyleigh would
notice any little change in her demeanor. She knew her too well.
Paige set her files down and looked at Kyleigh, wishing she could
just stop thinking about Tyler. Why had she been so upset about not
hearing back from him? She barely knew him and it was ridiculous to
let him ruin her week like this. She let out an aggravated breath and
said, “I’ve just been a little down lately. I haven’t
heard back from Tyler since the day after our date and I was actually
hoping he’d be interested in me. I knew I shouldn’t have
gotten my hopes up and the one time I do, it goes south on me. I even
called him a couple of times and texted him with no response. You
know I’m not usually that forward.”

Kyleigh’s
face fell in disappointment. “I’m sure he has a good
reason, Paige. From what I could tell, he really seemed into you.
Maybe he just doesn’t want to be one of those guys who starts
hounding you right away. I wouldn’t stress too much over it,
hon, just give it a little time,” she said, as she draped her
arm across her, resting her head on her shoulder.

Paige
smiled; glad she had a friend who always knew the right things to
say, even if she was exaggerating. “Thanks, Kyleigh. I just
hate getting my hopes up and then having them crash down on me. I
know, I stress too much over stupid shit.”

“Oh,
Paige, I can’t argue that one because you are a worrier, but I
have a feeling it will be fine, so don’t let it bring you
down,” Kyleigh said as she leaned back in her chair playing
with a strand of her hair.

“So,
how is your life going without Brad, now? I take it he’s not
been bothering you any, right?” Paige asked, hoping the answer
was a no.

Kyleigh
bit her lower lip and stopped playing with the strand of her hair.
“Actually, he hasn’t and I’m surprised. I’m
happy, though, but something just seems off about it.”

Paige
thought about it for a minute, thinking it didn’t seem like
Brad to just let things go without putting up a fight, but maybe he
had moved on. “Well, if you need anything you’d better
let me know.”

“I
will, don’t worry. Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
Kyleigh’s eyes lit up with excitement.