“That was how he justified lying to you for so long.”
She nodded. “And...it didn’t feel like a compliment at the time.”
“No wonder. Since he was your first, you might not have realized that it isn’t normal to have to work so hard to keep a man aroused—certainly at that age.”
She wondered how difficult it would be to keep
him
aroused.... “I heard my friends talking about how their boyfriends behaved, but I figured everyone was different. I didn’t want to break up with him just because he couldn’t maintain an erection.”
“You say that like it’s a minor thing,” he said with another laugh.
“I wanted a more fulfilling sex life. But, like I said, he had me convinced it was
my
fault.” She smacked her head. “Ugh, I was so naive! And what made it worse was that I felt this terrible sense of failure because I hadn’t been attractive enough to succeed, the way he thought I could.”
“Callie, you can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.”
“I understand that
now.
But this was my first love, remember?”
“Where is he these days?”
“Last I heard, he was living with a partner in San Francisco.”
Twirling the stem of his glass, he watched the liquid swirl inside. “Have you ever been with anyone else?”
“Other than Kyle? No. Only a one-night stand that happened a few days after Peter’s big announcement. I decided I was going to get laid by someone who knew what to do with a woman.”
“How’d that go?”
“Not so great.”
“You figured you deserved an orgasm after everything you’d been through.”
“Mostly I just wanted to feel attractive. Desired.”
“And?”
“That actually turned out to be the worst experience of all.”
“Why?”
She tried to make a joke out of it. “Number one, there was no orgasm.”
He gave her a pouting look. “Poor you.”
“And number two, making love with a stranger isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” She grimaced. “I just couldn’t get into it. It made me feel cheap and foolish. Degraded.”
“I think number two explains number one. Who was the guy?”
“I don’t remember his name. I’ve blocked it out.”
He got up and brought his plate over. But after he put it on the counter he didn’t move away. She could feel the heat of his body directly behind her, knew if she stepped back by even an inch she’d brush up against him, which was exactly what she wanted to do.
“So you didn’t buy that lingerie for Kyle,” he said, his mouth close to her ear.
“No,” she whispered.
When she felt his lips slide along the sensitive skin at her neck, she caught her breath and let her eyes close. She kept telling herself that she didn’t know Levi well enough to want him so badly. But right now that didn’t seem to matter. There was none of the confusion she’d experienced with Peter, none of the revulsion she’d experienced with Rebound Man and none of the misgivings she’d experienced with Kyle. That made her glad she’d bought condoms....
But just as she was about to turn so she could meet his mouth with her own, he withdrew.
“I’m sorry, pretty Callie. I’m not the right man for you,” he murmured and, to add insult to injury, had to order Rifle to stay inside when he went out to the barn.
13
S
itting on the bed in the narrow bunkhouse, Levi stared at the four walls surrounding him. No doubt he’d just confused Callie even more. He’d acted as if he wanted her—physically, he did—but he couldn’t take her to bed. It was too great a betrayal of Behrukh.
He closed his eyes as he remembered what sex had been like with the only woman he’d ever loved. Heady. Sensuous. All-consuming. The memories alone made him weak with longing.
If only...
There were a million
if onlys
that went through his mind whenever he thought of Behrukh, and each one brought its own particular brand of torment.
If only,
after growing up under his father’s thumb, he hadn’t been so starved for everything a woman could offer.
If only
he hadn’t been so drawn to the softness of her body, the gentleness of her touch, the sweetness of her kiss. Maybe he wouldn’t have made such a terrible mistake.
I don’t think you can ruin anyone with love.
Callie had said that. She believed it. But it wasn’t true. You
could
destroy someone with love. He knew because he’d done it—and had destroyed himself in the process.
* * *
When Callie’s phone rang, she hesitated to pick up. Several of her friends had tried to reach her, some more than once. She felt terrible for not being more responsive. But she was finding it harder and harder to pretend that everything was okay. And before she revealed the truth to them, she
had
to tell her parents.
Just how was she going to do that? Her visit today had been so...poignant. There was her mother rolling down the hall in her wheelchair, looking more fragile than ever, her father hugging her with the unabashed love of a doting parent. She couldn’t think of those things without flinching.
But it wasn’t only the secret about her health that kept her from answering her phone. She didn’t want to deal with any accusations regarding her involvement with Kyle. After Kyle’s behavior this morning, Cheyenne and Eve and the others had to suspect, since there’d been earlier evidence that had resulted in questions.
Maybe she should simply tell the truth about Kyle and apologize. Maybe that would rid her of the guilt and shame. It would lighten
part
of the load she was carrying, wouldn’t it?
But did she really want the others to know?
Absolutely not. Especially if she was going to die. She hated the thought that news of her indiscretion might become one of their last memories of her.
Besides, was her and Kyle’s secret any of their business? Not in some ways and, as he’d said, perhaps those were the ways that really mattered. She and Kyle were adults. They’d both consented to their encounters, just as they’d both agreed to keep their mouths shut.
She checked to see whose call she’d just missed. Eve’s. The list was getting extensive. Kyle had tried her three times. Cheyenne, Sophia and Baxter had each called once. Even Noah and Ted had reached out to see if she was okay. They could all sense that something was wrong.
If she told them about Kyle, they’d never guess she was fighting a much bigger battle. That could buy her some time, enough for her doctor to come up with the liver she needed—or, barring that, for her to find a way to tell her parents. Her doctor kept asking her to bring a family member to the clinic. He wanted to be sure she had the proper support at home. Fortunately, she’d been so consistent in saying she had the best parents and friends in the world that he’d let this stipulation slide.
“What do I do?” she asked Rifle, who paced with her along one side of the bed.
Ears perked up, he barked in response and licked her hand, which made her smile.
“I love you,” she told him. “Even if you
are
willing to throw me over for Levi.”
He tilted his head as if he didn’t understand why she’d accuse him of betrayal. She laughed; he could always make her feel better. But then her phone rang again and, since she had it in her hand, she could easily see who it was. Kyle.
He was the last person she wanted to talk to. But he also felt safer than Eve because he already knew one of her secrets.
“I’ve put myself in such a situation where he’s concerned,” she confided to Rifle. Then she took a deep breath and answered. She had to call all the rest of her friends back tonight. She might as well take this call now.
“There you are!” he said. “You had me so damn worried I was getting ready to drive over there.”
Good thing she’d answered. “I’m fine. I keep telling everyone that. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m
fine!
Why do you keep asking?”
When he didn’t respond, she knew she’d been far too emphatic. Somehow she had to calm down. She didn’t have the right to feel sorry for herself. Until Valentine’s Day, she’d had a perfect life. She’d had wonderful parents, a happy childhood, devoted friends. Maybe she hadn’t had a particularly great sex life or fallen head over heels in love, the way she’d dreamed of doing while watching
Sleeping Beauty
and
Cinderella
as a little girl, but what was that compared with all the rest?
Some people
never
experienced the peace and contentment she’d taken for granted.
Kyle cleared his throat, no doubt trying to figure out what to say. “Callie, I—”
She broke in before he could offer yet another apology. “I think we should tell.”
“What?”
“You heard me. We should tell the others. About us.”
“Hell, no! What’s there to be gained from that?”
When she pivoted in front of her dresser, she barely avoided tripping over her dog, who seemed reluctant to settle down for the night until she did. “I hate feeling as if...as if we’ve wronged them in some way.”
“How have we wronged
them?
”
“Our actions have threatened the cohesiveness of the group, changed the chemistry. You know that.”
Rifle barked as if he agreed.
“Our actions haven’t threatened anything,” Kyle insisted. “Because we’re not going to let what happened come between us. We’ve talked about this already.”
“That’s easier said than done, Kyle.”
“Why can’t you just let it go? Or are you angry with
me
about what we did?”
With her foot she smoothed a wrinkle in the throw rug covering the hardwood floor. “I’m not
blaming
you, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m angry with myself for allowing the situation to get out of control.”
“We got caught up in what was going on between us at the time. I think we both wondered...
what if,
thought it might lead somewhere. At least,
I
did. And, if it helps, I take full responsibility for dragging you into it. Just please tell me that’s not what’s eating you up inside!”
She squeezed her forehead. She didn’t want to put Kyle through this. She wasn’t sure what she was doing, why she was making such an issue out of a handful of sexual encounters that they’d both enjoyed. Maybe it was because she’d experienced so few sexual encounters in her life.
“Are you afraid we might let it happen again?” he asked.
That had been the problem over the past few weeks. Once they’d crossed that line, it was too easy to slip over it again. They were young and full of the hormones that went with their stage of life—and now they were comfortable getting naked together.
But there’d been no danger of sleeping with Kyle since Levi had shown up. Callie hadn’t even thought of it, except to regret what she’d done.
Kyle guessed the truth before she could answer. “Not anymore, right?”
“Kyle, I care about you. I’m just going through a hard time.”
“Are you
that
attracted to Levi?”
She felt ready to melt just
remembering
Levi’s lips on her neck, and it had been the slightest touch. It shouldn’t have had such a profound effect on her. But it did. “Yes.”
Kyle muttered a curse. “Listen,” he said, “being with this...
drifter
wouldn’t be any better than being with me. I’m not saying that because I’m...trying to...to get back in your pants. I enjoyed our time together, don’t get me wrong—”
“You don’t have to be so diplomatic, Kyle.”
“It’s true, or I wouldn’t have come back for more. But you were right when you said I’m still in love with Olivia. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over her.”
She was beginning to feel sorry for him again. “Don’t say that.”
“Fine. Maybe that’s not true and I’ll hardly remember her name in a few months—even though I have to see her at every family event. Either way, Levi worries me. For one thing, he’s quite a bit younger than you.”
“Five years is quite a bit?” Perhaps it was to some people, but as long as he was an adult, what did age matter to someone in her situation? She couldn’t establish a permanent relationship with him, anyway.
“It’s not just his age. He doesn’t have a job. And he obviously has some mental problems.”
“What do you mean?”
“Normal people don’t go wandering around like that.”
She raked a hand through her hair. “Look what’s happening, Kyle. Look what sleeping together has produced. You’ve never tried to tell me who I can get involved with before.”
“I’m not doing it because I’m being possessive! It’s because I feel I sort of...left you vulnerable. I don’t want to be responsible for getting you hurt.”
“You didn’t leave me vulnerable.”
“Then what’s going on?”
She toyed with the jewelry holder sitting on her dresser. “I can’t explain it. He...does something to me. I’m
drawn
to him.”
“Sexually?”
“Yes! That, too.”
Especially
that. “Bottom line, I like that he’s here.”
A moment of silence indicated a change in tone. “Do your parents know you have a stranger staying with you at the farm?”
“We talked about it today.”
“They don’t mind?”
They hadn’t been
happy
about it, but they seemed willing to trust her judgment. “No.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t, either, except...I can’t help thinking that he’s hanging around hoping to get lucky. Once he obtains what he wants, he’ll take off.”
He wasn’t hanging around for sex. Callie knew that already. “Stop. He hasn’t made one attempt to take my clothes off. If getting lucky is what he’s after, I’d know it by now.”
A beep signaled that she had another call.
It was Godfrey. She told Kyle she had to go.
“We’ll get past what we did,” he said before she could switch over.
“I hope so.”
“I promise. Try and forget about it, okay?”
After she’d agreed to do that, he hung up and she connected with the incoming call. “Godfrey, how are you?”
“Fine. You?”
“Good.” She forced a smile so it would reflect in her voice. “What’s going on?”