When Strawberries Bloom (18 page)

A
FEW WEEKS BEFORE
school started, on a hot August day, Charlie Zimmerman drove his battered old pickup truck in the drive, parked at the end of the sidewalk, and honked the horn loudly.

Mam and Lizzie were husking corn under the walnut tree, and when Mam saw Charlie drive in, she gasped, her hand over her heart. “Oh, I wonder!” she breathed. Quickly, she laid down the brush and the ear of corn she was holding and hurried to the pickup truck.

Lizzie watched, holding her breath in anticipation as Charlie smiled as he talked. When Mam said, “Oh, my!” with both hands held to her mouth, Lizzie dumped her corn from her lap and raced over.

“What? What?” she asked excitedly.

“Joshua and Emma have a little boy!” was all Mam could manage to say. She laughed and cried, she smoothed her apron over her stomach, pulled her covering over her ears, threw back her covering strings, and said, “Oh, my!” at least three times. Charlie beamed as she ran quickly to the barn, calling for Dat in a voice thick with tears.

Lizzie smiled at Charlie.

“Sorry, I guess she’s a bit overwhelmed.”

Charlie placed a hand on her shoulder, saying, “She has reason to be. She has reason to be.”

Dat appeared at the barn door with Mam, a huge grin on his face. Charlie pumped Dat’s hand up and down, congratulating him on his first grandson as Mam stood beside them and pulled her covering over her ears again. The three of them stood talking while Lizzie returned to the wheelbarrow load of corn, her thoughts spinning.

Emma had confided in Lizzie in a recent letter that she was “in the family way,” as she put it. Amish families didn’t talk very much about babies before they arrived. Lizzie hadn’t even known about Mandy and Jason until after they were born.

She was very happy that Emma had a son, but this was some time to have a baby! August, right before school started, with all the canning and freezing. Someone would need to go and stay with Joshua and Emma, and although she desperately wanted to go, she knew she should stay at home and work on school projects.

That evening when Mandy came home from work, Lizzie and Mandy had a fierce argument about who would be allowed to go to stay with Emma. Lizzie wanted to go with all her heart, and so did Mandy. Mam settled it by saying she would go the first few days, and after that Lizzie could stay till the end of the week, and Mandy could go for the whole week after that. Lizzie grumbled because Mandy got to stay longer, and Mandy grumbled that Lizzie could go first.

No one wanted to see Mam stay at Joshua’s for a few days, but Dat said Emma needed Mam more than the rest of the family did, and they would all be just fine without her. First, though, they would all go to Allen County to see the baby and drop off Mam.

The corn was finished in record time that evening as they chattered about the baby. When they were finished, Mandy fairly hopped up and down with her eyes shining as she ran to the phone shanty to call John with the news.

Lizzie scrubbed the kitchen floor after the last of the corn had been taken to the cold storage in town. Mandy was so lucky to have a 100 percent steady boyfriend, whom she could trust completely and tell him everything she knew.

Lizzie knew she would love to be able to share this happy event with Stephen. But, oh, no, he hadn’t asked her for a date for the coming weekend. It irked her. Kind of. Why didn’t he ask her out again? Probably so she would wonder all week long if he really liked her or not. He
told
her he cared about her. Then why didn’t he ask her?

The next day the whole family went to see the new baby. When they arrived, Joshua’s and Emma’s house was quiet, the gas lamp in the living room hissing softly as the evening shadows lengthened across the house.

Mam reached the small white bassinet next to the sofa, oohing and aahing as she expertly picked up the small blue bundle inside. Emma got up from the rocking chair, beaming with happiness. Joshua’s face reflected his joy as Dat exclaimed how the baby was every inch his father’s son.

Lizzie took a good long look at Emma’s little son, Mark, and decided he was actually really quite cute for a baby boy. He wasn’t deep dark red or grotesquely swollen like some newborns. His eyes were little half moons, with a button nose, well, bigger than a cute button, but a nice nose, and his tiny little mouth puckered into a bow.

Lizzie looked at Baby Mark, then a bit dubiously at Jason. Now there was a case of one of life’s greatest mysteries. She remembered very well the shock she felt when Mam came home from the hospital with Jason. He had been alarmingly homely looking, and most of his young life Lizzie had pitied him because of his wild-looking curls. But as he was growing into a young man, she thought he was the most handsome person she had ever seen, now that his curly hair was under control. He had blue-gray eyes with thick curly lashes and a kind smile that melted anyone’s heart. So who knew? This cute baby might not be very good-looking at all when he got older.

Joshua and Emma both looked well and happy, so Lizzie decided it must not be too traumatic to have a baby. The biggest test was probably going to be in the coming weeks since a helpless infant could really scream. Babies yelled and cried horribly at times until you were reduced to a quivering mass of nerves and crying yourself. Like Mam had been with Jason.

Lizzie tried hard to put those thoughts to the back of her mind, focusing instead on how cute Mark was and how happy and relaxed Emma looked, her love for Joshua shining from her eyes every time she glanced at him.

Lizzie returned later that week to stay with Emma and Baby Mark. She enjoyed her time with Emma immensely. Working for your sister was definitely more fun than working for someone else, Lizzie thought. It was so easy to relax at Emma’s house, feeling right at home, getting something to eat when she was hungry, asking to take a nap when she was sleepy, and learning all the while to appreciate a newborn baby.

Mark very seldom cried, and when he did, Emma could always quiet him easily. She would feed him or throw a soft white diaper over one shoulder and hold him there, his soft little face snuggled against the flannel diaper. Emma rocked him in her pretty new rocker while Lizzie curled up on the sofa. They had long, serious conversations while Emma cuddled her newborn.

“But, Lizzie,” Emma said, smiling, “I am
so
happy for you, starting to really, truly find your life partner.”

Lizzie eyed Emma skeptically. “What do you mean, ‘life partner?’ You don’t know for certain, Emma.”

“No, I don’t. That’s true. But … I don’t know. Mam always had this feeling …”

“Mam’s feelings aren’t always right.”

Emma stopped rocking as she watched Lizzie closely. “Why are you so testy about this subject?”

“You mean I should be all starry-eyed and gushing about how much I’m in love? Well, surprise! Maybe I’m not.”

Lizzie picked at a loose thread in the blue and white afghan on the arm of the sofa. She smoothed a finger nervously across the arch of one eyebrow as her eyes fell before Emma’s.

“Don’t you like Stephen, Lizzie? Nobody said you
have
to date him. I mean it’s your individual choice.”

“He doesn’t like
me
!” Lizzie spat out, annoyed at the huge lump beginning to form in her throat.

Emma began rocking again, patting Mark’s back nervously with her hand. “Now
that
, Lizzie, I do not believe.”

Lizzie lifted bewildered eyes to Emma. “You don’t?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, then, why didn’t he ask me for a second date? He said we should both think about it for awhile. Now that was a dumb thing for him to say. It just makes it seem as if he isn’t sure if he likes me, or if he wants to date me seriously. I mean, what in the world is there to think about?”

“Lizzie, it seems bold of me to say this maybe, but for someone as smart as you are in book learning—a teacher even …”

She caught her breath as she let out a low laugh. “Remember how desperately I tried to keep up with you at school?”

“No. I forgot.”

“Anyway, you can be so simple and dense and blind. Lizzie, think! Why wouldn’t Stephen want you to think this over? He has always adored you, no, actually, adored the ground you walked on, and you never, not once, worried about his feelings. First, there was Joe and John, then Amos, and through all that …” Emma stopped.

“Neither Joe or John wanted me,” Lizzie burst out. “Amos didn’t either.”

“Well, you know what I mean. Mam told you over and over to pray for God’s will, and did you ever? Huh? Did you?”

“Sometimes. But, Emma, I know I’m older now, but sometimes God still seems way out of reach. Honest. Sometimes when I pray my prayers bounce against the ceiling and fall right back down. I feel silly on my knees.”

Emma watched Lizzie seriously. “You should have joined the church earlier.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you would be more comfortable with God if you gave your life over to him. You never really thought about that, did you?”

“Well, not really. I didn’t want to join church too early. You have to be so plain and can’t do one fun thing. Besides, this joining the church thing is all about the
ordnung
and obeying the rules, and I can do that anytime.”

“No, Lizzie, joining church is so much more. It’s learning how to live for Jesus Christ, your Savior, after you realize that you are a sinner and want to live a better life.”

“Oh.”

That was all Lizzie said. How could she confess to Emma the fear in her soul? How could she tell anyone that she was scared to death to actually come right out and admit to God that she was a sinner? She was afraid of God as it was, always trying to assure herself that she wasn’t all that much of a sinner.

She still couldn’t quite figure this whole thing out. If you confessed that you were a real sinner who was going to go to hell, you had to depend on something to help you out of that. Lizzie still was not convinced that she wasn’t at least somewhat good enough to make her way to heaven. She helped Mam with the work at home, she wasn’t outright terribly disobedient, and she even helped with the milking. Now that was a chore she absolutely hated with a passion, but she did it without complaining too much.

She threw the afghan off her lap, sat up, and smiled at Emma.

“Why don’t you lay him down and we’ll each make ourselves a cup of peppermint tea and a toasted cheese sandwich? I’m hungry.”

Emma smiled back, relieved to see the dark look on Lizzie’s face turn to a lighter one.

Their cups of tea steaming between them, they sat down together. The rich, buttery smell of the sandwiches made the kitchen seem warm and homey, Lizzie thought. Even as she felt the dark cloud of doubt return.

“What?” Emma asked, as only sisters can ask, that perfect opening when one perceives that something is troubling the other.

Lizzie swirled a spoon in her tea.

“This sinner thing, Emma. I know Jesus died on the cross for us, and I understand that. The new birth they preach about is all over my head. I don’t get that, really, and Mam said I don’t have to, that I will in time, that we can’t of ourselves become born again.

“So that doesn’t bother me so much. It’s just that, how do we know for sure that if we do feel like a sinner, I mean, a bad one, then how can we be certain that Jesus’ blood is for us, too? I mean me, just for me?”

Emma took a bite of her sandwich and chewed slowly. She wiped the crumbs from her mouth with a napkin.

“We never are. We just have to have faith and believe it. It’s kind of like a gift that seems too good to be free, so it’s hard to humble ourselves to admit that we even need it in the first place. But you’ll understand more as you grow older. We don’t need to understand every little thing before we try to live for God.”

“I guess.”

Lizzie paused before telling Emma that Mandy and she would join church the following summer, and probably by then she would be ready to start that serious journey.

“In the meantime, you’ll wait until Stephen asks for another date, right?” Emma teased.

Lizzie snorted. Emma laughed as she told Lizzie about how insecure she felt when Joshua asked her out the first time.

“But he asked you again that Sunday evening for the coming weekend, right?” Lizzie asked.

“Oh, yes! I would have had a fit if he hadn’t.”

That was no comfort at all, but Lizzie didn’t say so. She needed to get out, get some exercise, clear her head of all these troubling thoughts wrapping themselves around her.

“Emma, do you mind if I start mowing the yard? I could do it all tomorrow, but I need the exercise.”

“No, of course not. Why do you want to? Didn’t I help much with whatever is troubling you?”

“Oh, of course,” Lizzie said, meaning every word. There was still no one like Emma to explain things to her in a clear, uncluttered fashion that made everything more hopeful. Emma was like that.

Walking steadily behind the reel mower with the grass clippings dusting her feet and the hot August sun on her back, she did feel much better. Hearing the drone of a low airplane, she stopped to watch its course across the blue sky.

Airplanes were amazing things, an engine keeping that heavy craft in the sky and moving it along at that speed. Why weren’t Amish people allowed to fly in airplanes? What would be wrong with one little ride? It would be the most wonderful feeling to be flying along above the earth and looking down on the little dots that were towns or houses and barns.

She sighed, returning to her grass mowing, and thought about how much it would cost to ride in an airplane. She’d ask Joshua; he knew such things.

“Lizzie!”

Joshua was hurrying toward her, a white piece of paper fluttering from his hand. Lizzie stopped, swiping at her loose hair with the back of her hand, watching him questioningly.

“I was in the phone shanty and the phone rang. Someone wants you to call him right away!” he said, a broad grin spreading across his face.

“Who?” Lizzie asked, her mouth becoming dry as her heart started banging too fast.

“Go find out!”

Lizzie grabbed blindly at the piece of paper, trying to read the numbers while running. She stumbled down over the bank beside the road, her thoughts scattered into a jumble that made no sense. Stephen? Would he? Did he even know where she was? He would never call in the middle of the day. He was at work. It was probably Jason. Or … or the school board. Or Dat. Joshua had said
he
.