When Love Calls (20 page)

I free myself to grow to be

Completely true; completely me

The feeling of peace seeped down into my spirit as it cleared my mind and heart. I needed to be strong and centered for the journey ahead. There would be no turning back. I was determined to outgrow my terrible habits and overcome my emotional detachment. The next few months would probably be lonely, but I wanted to learn to embrace the discomfort of peace and become content in being with myself. When I thought about it, I’d never really made my life about myself long enough to figure out who I was or what I really wanted and needed. There had always been someone else I was living for. I’d lived to please my parents.
Pointless.
The rest of my life had revolved around Emily, and for a short time, Grayson.
I just want to know me, the real Erin Porter. I want to be in love with who I am and what I choose daily for my life, even if I end up living it alone.

Meditation hadn’t gone exactly as I’d hoped, but I still had a sense of clarity as I stood from the mat and trotted upstairs to an old trunk I had shoved in the back of my closet. “Somewhere in here I had a bucket list.” I mumbled as I rifled through papers, notebooks and old yearbooks. Tucked between the pages of a college annual was an envelope addressed to me from Grayson Winters. I slowly pulled it from the book and chewed my lip thoughtfully as I tapped the packet against my palm.
I’m not sure I’m ready to read this yet.
I thought as I reluctantly laid it aside and resumed rummaging through the trunk. At the very bottom, I found a worn black composition notebook and yanked it from beneath the pile of papers and books. As I thumbed through the pages, I saw sketches, poems and what even looked to be the beginning of songs scratched out on the pages. Near the end of the book, I found what I’d been looking for. It was a letter I’d written to me and in it was my bucket list. Even though I was alone, I read it aloud. I felt like I needed to hear the words, to make them resonate within me.

“Erin,

If you’re reading this, it can only mean one of two things. You are crossing things off of your list or adding things to it. I hope the case will never be that you have to refer to this list because you have forgotten your dreams and aspirations, but just in case you do, keep this book handy to remind you. When you finish school life will be busy. You will be a great doctor and someday a wife and mother too. Never let any of that make you forget the person you are inside. Live your life each day with love and laughter because they can help you through almost anything. You are so close to meeting your career goals but don’t ever get so caught up that you forget about the desires of your heart. Remember, you still need to accomplish some personal goals too! Don’t forget to:

- Sing on a stage in front of people (NO karaoke!!)

- Skydive out of a plane (none of that simulated crap!)

- Take an actual art class

- Run a half marathon

- Go to a nude beach (and actually take your clothes off!!)

- Forgive Grayson

I know it may seem like a daunting list but if you complete it, not only will you be challenged, you’ll grow and maybe even become a bit brave! You can do it!

Love Always,

Me”

I couldn’t believe how relevant everything in the letter was to my current situation. I had to laugh. Even then I’d been enough of a control freak to plan ahead for my potential meltdown. I surveyed the list once more, ripped out the page and shoved it in the pocket of my handbag. I wasn’t sure if I’d do everything on the list in order, but I was intent on completing them all.
This is exactly what I need to help me figure things out.
I was excited about the idea of that. It sounded crazy that, at the age of thirty-five, I was finally taking the time to get to know myself, but it was a journey I knew would be uniquely my own. Still, knowing I had the love and support of my friends made me glad. Being alone in life was one of my biggest fears, but I was willing to face it head on if I had to.
Above all, I was anxious to begin the adventure that would help me, “grow and… become a bit brave!”

Chapter Twelve

When I got to my office, Angie, Amber and Feliz were standing there waiting for me. I knew exactly what their presence meant. It meant Angie had informed them of my plans and now they were all there to get to the bottom of things. “Hey,” they sang in chorus. That unnerved me even more. These three in cahoots was never a good sign.

 “We just came by to see what you needed us to do. You know, with the patient records and stuff,” Feliz said giving a quick glance to Amber and Angie.
Lies.

“Yes, we wanted to make sure everything transitions smoothly,” Amber chimed as she nodded incessantly. 
More lies.

“Come on in your office so we can go through all of this stuff together. You know we have your back,” Angie stated.
Now that’s true.
I sighed, unlocked the door and lead the caravan into my office. Amber and Feliz sat in the empty office chairs and Angie came and stood behind me as I logged onto my computer.

 “Umm, can I help you with something,” I asked looking up at Angie.

“Oh no, I was just waiting.” Angie shifted over a few paces so that she was now on the side of the desk, but still within viewing distance of both my computer and my desk calendar.

“Ok, so here is a list of the patients and the doctors to whom I’ve assigned them. This won’t be a surprise to any of them as I emailed them last night and I contacted HR this morning to let them know about my arrangements and my needed time off.”

“So,” Feliz interjected, “did you have to get a letter from your doctor?” I watched them all lean forward toward me, awaiting my response.

 “No.” I continued.  “I’ve also made a list of the new schedule for rounds for each physician. None of my added patients should conflict with their existing ones and at least three of them are scheduled to discharge soon provided there are no unexpected complications.”

“So,” this time it was Amber who interrupted, “is this an academic leave of absence or FMLA?”

I broke away from looking at the computer and gave them my full attention. “Ok, look, I’m taking a little time off because I need to sort through some things in my life that require more than just a long weekend or a week’s vacation. I have to figure a number of things out about me and what my next steps will be in my life. None of you can help me with that. I’m not having a nervous breakdown, I am not withdrawing from human contact, I’m just taking some time off. However, if any of you would care to join me from time-to-time for some girl talk, lunch, dinner, a movie or whatever, I’ll be more than happy to engage. As far as this aspect of my life goes, I will not be discussing anything with anyone until I am good and ready. Got it?” I scanned the looks on my friends’ faces. They ranged from attitude to shock to genuine hurt.

 “Well, excuse us for caring,” Angie said dismissing my dramatics. “You seem very set on how all of this is gonna happen so you go ahead and do what you need to do. I will definitely still expect you to be around for my birthday next month so don’t forget AND I will still be expecting a gift so don’t forget that either!” She bent down and hugged my neck and I gave her a reassuring squeeze.

“You know I wouldn’t miss it. I will still be here in the office until Wednesday afternoon, so can we save all of this sappy bullshit until then?” That made them all laugh and broke the somber mood. I knew they wanted to ask me a million more questions but were respecting my wishes. “I suppose we should all get to work now. Thanks for caring and for checking up on me. I love you for that.” I stood and they followed my lead as I strode into the hall and we each went our separate ways.

The day flew by and although my colleagues were less than pleased with the scheduling and patient changes, they never said a word to me about it and made all the necessary adjustments. I amused myself with the thought of what reasons people had come up with for my sudden request for leave. Sideward glances had been coming my way all day and I’d walked up on plenty of hushed conversations that conveniently ended as soon as I approached.
They probably think I have a terminal illness or a pending malpractice suit.
Typically, those were the only real reasons surgeons
ever
took an extended leave. If there was a death in our family, we immersed ourselves in our work to distract from any pangs of grief. No general illness called for extended leave, so I knew they’d ruled that out, as well. For a moment, I entertained the idea of spreading my own rumor about where I was going and why just to see how far it would get and how fast.
Like there isn’t enough drama in the E.R. already for them to worry about.
I smiled to myself.  I decided to have a little fun as I approached yet another cluster of whisperers. I shouted, “Good afternoon” as I walked by, then watched as they scattered like roaches in the light. I erupted in laughter and headed toward my office. The blinking light on my desk phone caught my eye as I sat behind my desk. Instinctively I pulled out my pager and cell to be sure I hadn’t missed any work related calls. I was surprised to find my iPhone showed two missed calls, as well. Both were from Josh’s number. I dialed my voicemail and listened to the message:

Erin, it’s Josh. I don’t really know what to say after the other day. I have kind of been in a weird place since that night. I can’t seem to focus and I can’t stop thinking about the nightmare that was my life. At least it was before you came into it. I feel like we came together for you to help me cope with my baggage and for me to help you cope with yours. I called Dr. Stevenson’s office and scheduled an appointment to speak with someone there. I want to be free to move into the next chapter of my life with you. I know that together we can get through all of this and both come out better for it. Things have been so strained between us.  You need more from me and I plan to give it to you. Trust in the fact that I love you and believe that I won’t try coming back again until its right. It wasn’t fair for me to try and establish our relationship knowing I wasn’t completely free from the demons in my past. I still want to spend time with you, so I’ll be around whenever you want or need me. I hope to hear from you soon. I love you.

I hit delete and sat there confused.
What was that?
I wasn’t sure what had just happened. Had he broken up with me? Were we giving each other space? Were we going to try it as friends? What? I got up and closed my office door, grabbed the cell and dialed Josh’s number. It went straight to voicemail. I glanced at the clock and realized he was still teaching his classes.
I’ll try him later, after work.
I said to myself as I slipped the phone back into my lab coat pocket. I was hopeful that we could clear the air on everything. If he wanted to take a break anyway, it seemed best that he know what happened in Vegas so he could truly decide whether he still wanted to try to work through the situation toward a relationship.

The irony of my present situation was almost laughable. Just a few days ago I’d been thinking of breaking things off with Josh and now it seemed he might be breaking up with me. I tried to shake off my typical feeling of resentment at the idea of being rejected.
When did I become an egomaniac? Am I seriously brooding over the fact that I may not be the one to break up first? If anyone else came to me with this story, I’d call them childish. Get over yourself Erin Porter!
I made a mental note to add “become less selfish” to my personal goal list.

I’d had enough of being at the hospital and pretending to care about what work needed to be done. I had already reassigned all of my cases and the only thing left for me to do was attend a meeting about some system updates that I wouldn’t be around to use anyway. I started clearing off my desk and changed the password on my computer after forwarding all my personal documents to my home email. I glanced at the clock on the monitor.
Two forty-five seems like as good a time as any to chuck up the deuces. Hell, I’m not coming back for the rest of the week, let alone finishing out this day.
My mind was racing and it was just to exhausting to pretend to ignore everything I had going on.

I flipped off the light switch, closed and locked my office door and wiped my name from the dry-erase board in the hall. I stopped by my supervisor’s office on my way out. “I’ve decided to leave a bit earlier than I initially planned. There’s nothing left for me to do here so I’m gonna start my leave effective immediately.”

 The chief gave me an inquisitive look, then a furrowed brow and finally a resigned smile and said, “Alright. Take care and get some rest if you can.”  She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze. “You come by and see us at least once so we know you’re coming back, okay?”

“I’ll try. Who knows? I may be out of the country or something exciting like that!” I couldn’t resist leaving a little tidbit for the staff to buzz about. I made my way down the hall and out to the parking lot where I noticed something stuck behind my wiper blade. My friends knew me too well. I plucked the card from the windshield. When I opened the card, I found only two words,
Bon Voyage!

I was shocked when I got home and found nearly all traces of Josh were gone. Apparently at some point during the day he’d come over, gotten his things and left the key on the table by the door. I pulled my iPhone from my pocket and dialed his number.
If he’s going to break up with me, he’ll have to tell me himself.

“Hello Erin,” Josh said flatly.

 “Hey Josh! What’s with moving all of your stuff out? I didn’t really understand the message you left me at work. Could you clarify?”