When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (42 page)

Dialogue #31
A husband (or wife) assertively
tells his (or her) mate that
their sex is routine
and seeks some
change.

In the first dialogue of this set of learning situations, the role of either Jack or Jill as the assertive person or the manipulator is interchangeable. In either case, only the details of physiological prerequisites need to be rearranged to suit the sex identification. In this situation, for instance, Jack, married to Jill eight years and having two children by her, feels that life somehow is slipping by him. There is a lot going on outside his marriage that he hears only bits and pieces about during coffee breaks with his male friends. One of the areas of his life that seems to give him less and less reward as the years roll by is his sexual relationship to Jill. Something seems missing. The excitement he always felt with Jill during the early years of their marriage is fading away to routine. He wants to regain it in their lovemaking but doesn’t know exactly what it is or how to get it. He has some ideas, but up to now he didn’t know how to try them out or how Jill would receive them.

Setting of the dialogue: Jack and Jill are in bed after making love and talking about sex.

JACK
: I’ve been thinking about us lately. About our sex life. It’s not the same as it used to be.

JILL
: What do you mean? It’s the same as it always was.

JACK
: That’s exactly what I mean. It’s always the same, but it’s not like it used to be.

JILL
: What are you trying to say? Is it the same or isn’t it?

JACK
:
I really don’t know what I’m trying to say. It’s not as exciting to me as it used to be
. Maybe because we always do the same thing. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JILL
: (Irritatedly) Have you been talking about what we do in bed to those guys at the office again?

JACK
:
No, that was a dumb thing for me to do before and dumber yet to tell you about it
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JILL
: Last time you started talking this way was when that new guy was hired and we met his wife. All she has is a body with big boobs. She hasn’t a brain in her head, but all you could think about was what he told you about how great she was in bed.

JACK
:
I’ve gotta admit that. I sure listened to him
. [FOGGING]

JILL
: Look, there’s nothing wrong with the way we make love. Everybody thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

JACK
:
Yeah, that’s true. I feel that way myself sometimes
, but
I still can’t get over the feeling that we could get more fun out of making love to each other if we tried something different
. Remember how it was when we were first going together. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: You mean in the back seat of the car? What’s gotten into you?

JACK
:
You’re right, maybe I am freaking out
. But
I’d like to experiment
. I had a couple of ideas. When we make love we always do it with me on top of you or you on top of me.
I think we would have more fun if we tried something different
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: (Showing some interest) What ideas do you have.

JACK
:
I don’t think either of us knows much about sex and we could learn something new
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JILL
: You want to get some books and read them together?

JACK
:
That’s not a bad idea
, but
what I really want is for us to go to someplace like Backbone Ridge in
Malibu Canyon and see if we can learn anything
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JILL
: Backbone! That’s the nudist colony where they have free sex and orgies. My God! What if my mother saw me there?

JACK
:
That’s possible
… if she’s there, the first thing we could do is ask: “Where’s Dad?” [FOGGING]

JILL
: Don’t be silly. What if one of the girls I work with saw me there?

JACK
:
One of them may be there.… What’s so wrong about someone seeing us go to Malibu to learn some more about sex?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: I’d have to face her the next day.

JACK
:
You would
, but
what about seeing her the next day would upset you?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: What would she think about me?

JACK
:
I don’t know
. What do you think? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JILL
: She would probably think I was a sex freak.

JACK
: (Smiling)
Like her?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: Okay … but what if she told someone else? What would they think?

JACK
:
She might
.… You’d have to work that out yourself with them, but
I’d still like to go
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: But they would know that we were undressed.

JACK
:
Sure
, but
what’s so awful about being nude or even if someone knew about it?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: All those other people at Malibu would see us.

JACK
: (Smiling)
They would
, but
I still want to go and learn something
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: You mean you wouldn’t care if other men looked at me? Looked at everything?

JACK
:
I don’t know
, but
I still want us to go
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: I don’t like it. The whole idea upsets me.

JACK
:
Okay.… That’s not surprising
, but
what is it specifically about my wanting us to go out to Malibu that you don’t like?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: I’ll bet that new guy at work told you about Backbone … and you listened to him.

JACK
:
You’re right, I did
. But
what is it about my wanting us to go there and improve our sex life that upsets you?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: You’d probably hope to meet his wife there and see what’s underneath those tacky tight dresses she wears.

JACK
: (Smiling)
You may be right. They may be there and I wouldn’t mind seeing what she’s got
, but
what is it about my liking to see nude women that upsets you?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: You’re married to me.

JACK
: (Only a bit sarcastically)
That’s true
, but
what is it about us being married that makes my looking at nude women wrong?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: How would you like it if I wanted to see what other men looked like?

JACK
:
What is it about you wanting to see what other men look like that’s wrong?
(Instead of: “You have! In the back seat of Harry Schwartz’s car before you met me. Only he didn’t have much to see!) [NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: (Sarcastically and biting) Would you like it if other men turned me on?

JACK
:
I don’t know
, but
I’d still like us to go and see if we could learn something
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: You mean you think we should get turned on by other people to spice up our own sex life?

JACK
:
What is it about other people turning us on and spicing up our sex life that’s wrong?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: Are you saying that I don’t turn you on enough now?

JACK
:
You do turn me on
, but our sex is routine.
I want us to go to Malibu to see if we can learn something new
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: (Either angry or a few tears falling) I thought I was sexy enough for you.

JACK
:
You are
, but
I want us to go to Malibu to see what we can learn
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: Can’t we just read some books?

JACK
:
We can
, but
I still want us to go to Malibu. What is it about our going there that’s wrong?
[FOGGING, BROKEN RECORD, and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: Nothing, I guess, but it worries me.

JACK
:
I can see that.… How about talking about what’s worrying you?
Okay? [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JILL
: Okay.

JACK
:
What is it about us going to Malibu that upsets you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: I don’t know, I just get nervous thinking about it.

JACK
:
What is it you think about that makes you nervous?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: The bare asses.

JACK
: (Reassuringly) Okay.
What about a bunch of asses being bare makes you nervous?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: Our bare asses.

JACK
: I’m beginning to understand where you’re at.
What is it about our asses being bare that makes you nervous?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: It’s just wrong to walk around in front of a bunch of people bare-assed.

JACK
:
What is it that’s wrong about us walking around in front of others without any clothes?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: I never met anybody who did it.

JACK
:
We probably never have
, but
what is it about meeting a different kind of people who like to walk around in the nude that’s wrong? [FOGGING
and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: Some of them might be really weird.

JACK
:
I’m sure some of them are
, but
what is it about meeting some nude weirdos that’s wrong?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: It’s not wrong.… I’ve met weirdos before, but not without my clothes on.

JACK
:
What’s different about you meeting some weirdos without your clothes on?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: I’d just feel exposed to them!

JACK
:
You would be exposed
, but
what is it about being exposed that worries you?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: What would they think of me? Bare-assed and running around a sex colony!

JACK
:
You’re right. They probably would think you’re there for the same reason they are
. [FOGGING]

JILL
: But then they would try and put the make on me!

JACK
:
I’m sure they would
. But
what is it about them trying to put the make on you that upsets you?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: I’ll feel phony … because my ass will be saying one thing and my mouth will be saying no.

JACK
:
That’s true.… We’ll both be doing that … and maybe we will be playing games with some of the people up there.… I’m not ready for group sex
, but
I still want us to go up and see what happens
. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

JILL
: (Thoughtfully) What happens if the women put the make on you? You’d like that!

JACK
:
Of course I would
, but
being phony doesn’t bother me
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JILL
: But what if you don’t want to leave?

JACK
:
Maybe I won’t want to leave until we learn something
. [FOGGING]

JILL
: What happens if I get really nervous? I might want to leave right away.

JACK
:
How about if we go for a two-hour minimum
.
After that, we leave if you get real nervous
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JILL
: But what if they start to screw or God knows what in front of us?

JACK
:
God-knows-what is exactly what I’m hoping we’ll see
. [FOGGING]

JILL
: But what if you like it?

JACK
: (Grinning)
You mean I shouldn’t get an erection?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JILL
: Exactly what I was thinking.

JACK
:
I was thinking about that too. How about if I hide it behind you?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JILL
: Well, I’ll be wanting to hide behind you.

JACK
: So what do we do?

JILL
: How about this. If you get in trouble, you hide behind me, if I get in trouble I’ll hide behind you.

JACK
: Okay … how about going?

JILL
: I’ll go if we just look and we don’t do anything.

JACK
:
We just go there to learn
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JILL
: I don’t know … something still bothers me.