When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (35 page)

The next short dialogue is about a real-life situation between neighbors where an assertive woman quickly coped with manipulation that took her by surprise, a situation that many learners have difficulties with.

Dialogue #26
Bobbie copes with a neighbor
who wants her to cut down
her gum trees.

Bobbie, the suburban housewife whom I described earlier in the chapter on NEGATIVE INQUIRY, also reported the following short dialogue with another neighbor, Dr. Slick, about—of all things; you guessed it!—another swimming pool.

Setting of the dialogue: Bobbie is planting some ivy in her front yard when Dr. Slick drives up in his Marmara Longostino custom sports car. Approaching Bobbie, he introduces himself and speaks:

DR
.
SLICK
: Hello, I’m your backyard neighbor, Stanley Slick. I think you know my wife, Shanda.

BOBBIE
: Yes, we often say hello over the fence. How are you?

DR
.
SLICK
: Fine! I wanted to tell you that I am going to put a swimming pool in our backyard right up against your eucalyptus trees and they are going to drop a lot of leaves into it…

BOBBIE
: My God!
You aren’t kidding. They are really going to drop leaves into it. Your gardener must have to rake up three or four bushels of leaves a week now
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DR
.
SLICK
: (Caught in mid-sentence, hesitates, and changes tack) Well, I don’t care about the leaves really, it’s just that your trees will cut out the afternoon sun, and that’s the only time I can use the pool.

BOBBIE
: (Looking back toward the trees)
You’re probably right. If you put it right up against them, you are going to have plenty of shade there
. [FOGGING]

DR
.
SLICK
: (Again hesitating while his eyes flash back and forth rapidly between Bobbie and her trees) I noticed that they were overgrown enough to have some workers trim them a few weeks back.

BOBBIE
:
That’s true
. [FOGGING]

DR
.
SLICK
: Would you cut them down if I paid for the labor?

BOBBIE
: No.

DR
.
SLICK
: No?

BOBBIE
: No.

DR
.
SLICK
: Oh!

BOBBIE
: When are you going to begin construction?

DR
.
SLICK
: Tomorrow.

BOBBIE
:
I wish you had talked to me sooner about this
. I had a pool put in my last house and I had an awful lot of trouble with it.
You might have been able to profit from my dumb mistakes
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DR
.
SLICK
: Well, it’s too late to do anything about it now. I’ve already signed the contract and approved the plans.

BOBBIE
:
Maybe you could get them to move it closer to the back of your house and away from the trees so they cause you fewer problems
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

DR
.
SLICK
: (Walking away toward his car) I doubt it.

BOBBIE
: (Empathically) Assert yourself! If you want it changed, you can get it changed. It’s your pool and your money!

DR
.
SLICK
: Maybe. I’ll talk to them. Thanks.

When Bobbie reported this incident to me, she was quite proud of herself for the way she had calmly, almost routinely, coped with a manipulative interaction she was unprepared for. Dr. Slick came on Bobbie without any warning, without any time for Bobbie to “get herself up for it.” I think she did quite well too.

The next dialogue shows how one learner coped with a friend’s request for a business loan after he had tentatively agreed and then changed his mind.

Dialogue #27
Alan and a good friend
who asks for a
business
loan

Alan is a data processor, in his early thirties, married with no children; he earns a good salary, part of which he and his wife have saved during their marriage as both a security cushion and for possible investment. In addition to their savings, Alan has just received a small inheritance of two thousand dollars from an uncle.

Setting of the dialogue: Alan’s good friend Ralph enters his office at work on a coffee break and speaks to him.

RALPH
: Alan, you remember that deal with the surplus electronics warehouse I told you about?

ALAN
: Yes.

RALPH
: Well, I’m ready to swing it, but I need another $1,600.

ALAN
: Where are you going to get it?

RALPH
: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You put up the other $1,600, I do all the work, and you get 10 per cent interest.

ALAN
: Thanks for the offer, Ralph, but
I’m not interested
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

RALPH
: But it’s a really good deal We talked it over before. You thought it would make money then.

ALAN
:
That’s true
, but
I’m not interested in it now
.

RALPH
: You can’t lose on this deal You’ll get 10 per cent return in six months.

ALAN
:
You’re probably right
, but
I’m not interested
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

RALPH
: Why not? You’ve got the money. You told me yourself last week that you just inherited a couple of thousand.

ALAN
:
You’re right
, but I’ve thought it over since then and
decided not to mix business with friendship
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

RALPH
: Don’t worry about that. You know I’m not going to screw you. This is a legitimate deal.

ALAN
:
I agree with you that there is nothing to worry about
, but when large sums of money are involved,
I worry about how things are going
. I’d keep looking over your shoulder to see what you’re doing with the money. I know I can trust you, Ralph,
I know my worried feelings are dumb
, but
that’s the way I am
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

RALPH
: That won’t bother me. Check up all you want to.

ALAN
:
I’m sure it wouldn’t bother you if I checked on you, Ralph
, but
it would bother me
. I just don’t want to operate our friendship that way. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

RALPH
: You know I’m good for the money. I’ve borrowed money before and always paid it back.

ALAN
:
That’s for sure
, but this is a business loan, not a loan between two friends.
I’m afraid if we get into business together, the friendship goes down me drain
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

RALPH
: As far as I’m concerned, it won’t.

ALAN
:
I’m sure you won’t let it affect you
, but
it’s me that’s the problem
. If I lend you that money,
I know my feelings for you will change. I know it’s dumb, I know it shouldn’t be that way, but that’s me. That’s the way I feel about it
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

RALPH
: Okay, if you feel that strongly about it, I’ll try and get the money somewhere else. I don’t know where I can get it but I’ll try.

ALAN
: Let me talk to some people I know. If they’re interested I’ll have them call you, okay? [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

RALPH
: Okay.

ALAN
: Ralph.

RALPH
: Yeah?

ALAN
: Thanks for asking me first.

Alan tried to help Ralph out after this dialogue by calling several business associates and they all told him that they wanted no part of it and praised his judgment for not getting involved in it himself. Alan liked Ralph and enjoyed his company, perhaps because Ralph could always come up with ideas and interesting schemes that were so different from Alan’s lifestyle and way of thinking. But this same quality of novelty that Alan enjoyed in a social sense with Ralph did not overcome Alan’s conservative style when it came down to dollars and cents. Alan was worried when it came to money and he did not want this conservative style—perhaps too conservative a style and therefore unrealistic—to interfere with the good feelings he always had with buoyant Ralph, so he assertively told Ralph of his worries and the value of his friendship with him and kept his worries from interfering with his good feelings.

In the following set of dialogues, you can see how some learners coped with a very emotional and anxiety-provoking situation which many of us, perhaps even you yourself, have great difficulty with—parental interference in our lives after we are adults.

Dialogue #28
Sandy gradually changes the relationship
between herself and her parents
from an authoritarian one
to an interaction
between
equals.

In all of my assertive classes and therapy groups, more than half the learners have failed to establish an equality relationship between themselves and their parents. They live away from Mom and Dad, sometimes for many years, yet their parents still keep that mantle of ultimate authority over their children. In most cases, these parents do not tell their children what to do, but somehow reserve the ultimate approval or disapproval of their now-adult offspring. This lack of equality in
dealing with Mom and Dad is not simply a characteristic of my younger students and patients. Many of these unfortunate people are in their forties and fifties, and some over sixty years old still have their lives ruled by an eighty-or ninety-year-old tyrant Before assertive therapy, many of these learners did not even know what the problem was; they only knew that somehow, whenever Mom or Dad was involved, they came out dissatisfied, humbled; they always had that bitter sense of impotence, yet accepted this condition as inevitable. Because of the discomfort this outmoded authority relationship causes many students, I always have them practice the various assertive skills to cope with their parents’ manipulation in a new way, so that they will not need to be unwillingly, childishly responsive to parental whims. I have them rehearse a common situation that was successfully handled by Sandy, one of my early learners. In this situation, I start out by teaching these learners how to say “No” to manipulative requests, suggestions, sometimes demands that they visit their parents more often than they would care to.

At the time Sandy was learning to assert herself in her very anxious interactions with her parents, she was twenty-four years old, married to Jay for eleven months, graduated from college, and substitute-teaching while Jay was working for a graduate degree in business administration. The main subject of Sandy’s assertive practice was her mother. Mom was demanding of Sandy for attention, but particularly so after Sandy’s older sister and brother married, started families of their own, and moved away (possibly to flee from Mom). Sandy’s mother was almost a stereotype of a Yiddishe momma, without being Jewish. The characteristics and manipulative coping toward family members of this classic momma, her blatant or even subtle arousal of feelings of guilt ignorance, and anxiety in others, are not seen only in some Jewish moms within their restrictive traditional culture. I and my colleagues in the mental health disciplines have reliably observed her coping habits again and again in Jews, Arabs, Gentiles, Catholics, Protestants, atheists, Orientals, blacks,
whites, Democrats (both northern and southern) Republicans, independents, liberals, conservatives, male chauvinists and even in liberated women; in short, the more insecure and nonassertive we are, the more we cope as the Yiddishe momma does; only we’re much more subtle at it than she is!

Sandy brought this problem up and we discussed how she could cope with her mother’s increased level of manipulation without either destroying the relationship or running away from it as her siblings had probably done. Because of her anxiety in dealing with Mom, Sandy required a lot of practice before she began to change her style of responding to her parents’ manipulation of her behavior. As things turned out, when she began asserting herself toward Mom and Dad, Sandy went through a half dozen assertive encounters similar to the early parts of this dialogue before she noticed a change in Mom’s behavior and attitude. The following dialogue, like some others in this chapter dealing with close (and some not so close) equal relationships, is a condensation and a sampling of the manipulative ploys used by Sandy’s parents over a period of several weeks and the assertive statements Sandy used to reduce their manipulation as well as to prompt them to be more assertive to her and her husband. All of Sandy’s dialogues took place over the phone. Some were initiated by Sandy; most by Mom.

Setting of the dialogue: Sandy and Jay are seated on the sofa in their apartment watching TV. The phone rings and Sandy answers it

MOM
: Sandra. This is your mother.

SANDY
: Hi, Mom. How’s things?

MOM
: Your father is not feeling too good.

SANDY
: Gee. What’s wrong?

MOM
: I don’t know. He just wants to see you this weekend.

SANDY
: Is it serious?

MOM
: You talk to him.

SANDY
: Dad. What’s wrong?

DAD
: It’s just my back again, I think I pulled another muscle trying to prune the trees.