By the end of the second week, she still had no position. She was paying the innkeeper, Sylvester, for her room and board by bartering off her belongings. Already she had given him her black leather satchel, but she suspected quite soon he would ask for something more, and the only thing she had left of any value was the Worth gown. For some reason, the thought of her satin gown on one of Sylvester’s “girls” sickened her. She knew she would do almost anything to avoid giving it to him, so she kept inquiring about positions, and she continued to call on those families that were writing for references. It seemed they would never make up their minds.
The Bell and Garter was almost beginning to be home by now. She had not become friendly with the “girls,” partly because whenever she saw any of them, she found she was met with a most hostile stare. They didn’t like her, nor her quiet clothes, and they made that quite
clear. The girls weren’t the kind of company Lissa desired anyway, but still, in the mornings, when she came down to eat her porridge, she did long for company.
More times than she wanted to admit her thoughts wandered back to Nodding Knoll. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think she would miss it, but she did, more desperately with each passing day. Sometimes it was all she could do not to run back to Euston, but every time she wanted to, she only had to think of Ivan. If she returned to Violet Croft, she would never break her obsession with him. He would use her as the old marquis had used his gypsy girl, and her life would become a living hell.
But in her dreams she returned there again and again. She would find herself once more at Evvie’s wedding. She would recall Holland’s expression as he had gazed down upon Evvie, completely bedazzled by the jewel that was soon to be his. When she awoke, she always knew why she had dreamed the dream. Her sole wish in life was that Ivan would have just once looked at her the way Holland had looked at Evvie. And because he hadn’t, when she awoke, her heart shattered all over again.
Now, at the beginning of her third week in London, she walked the damp, drizzly streets, and the wind cut at her like a knife. She had answered four advertisements by noon, but no offers were forthcoming.
She had just left Grosvenor Square and was walking up New Bond Street when she began to feel light-headed. Despite the dreary day, New Bond Street was busy with wealthy shoppers. Stopping at one side of the walkway, she grasped an iron fence railing trying to steady herself. The wind had picked up, but it seemed to have no effect now. She was warm. Too warm. Daintily she patted the perspiration off her forehead with her handkerchief. As much as she wanted to deny it she wondered if she were on the verge of getting ill. The walk back to St. Giles today seemed about as easy as a trek to the Hebrides. She didn’t know how she was going to make it.
“Miss Alcester? Lissa Alcester of Nodding Knoll?”
Lissa looked up and saw that a dark-blue japanned carriage had stopped beside her. The door was open and a beautiful woman dressed in green peered out. The woman looked familiar but Lissa couldn’t think of her name.
“Miss Alcester?”
“Yes,” Lissa finally admitted. “But I’m afraid I don’t—”
“Of course you don’t remember me. But I remember you quite clearly. And if I may say so, you are the catch of the day.
Everyone
is looking for you. Everyone, that is, who has anything to do with the Marquis of Powerscourt.”
All at once wary recognition dawned on Lissa. The woman before her was Lady Antonia Kovel. And now Ivan was looking for her. The thought alarmed her. She didn’t want him to find her. He wanted her as he would a favorite pet that had had the temerity to run away. He wanted her back to teach her another lesson, to humiliate her once more. But she’d taken had all the lessons she was ever going to take from him.
“Miss Alcester, you don’t look quite well. Will you come to the house for tea? My husband’s family home sits only a few blocks away on Hanover Square.”
Lissa wanted to refuse. She wanted nothing to do with a friend of Ivan’s, but the thought of some rest and a warm cup of tea was difficult to resist.
“Come along,” Antonia instructed, and she moved over on the cushioned seat. Before Lissa knew it, the driver had descended and was at her side, helping her into the conveyance.
“We’ll be there in a moment,” Antonia said, handing Lissa the carriage blanket. Mutely Lissa accepted it, then she took out her handkerchief and again patted her flushed face.
Antonia’s house sat on the northeast corner of Hanover Square. Done in the old-fashioned Adam style, its
Ionic pilasters and stone balustrade edging the roof still gave it a stark, regal appearance. Once inside, the original Chippendale furnishings made it seem even more out of date. In fact, Lissa felt sure the house had not been used in years.
“Our tea will be ready soon,” Antonia stated as she moved across the gilt and pastel drawing room. She pulled a ribbon-back chair to the hearth and motioned for Lissa to sit in it. Antonia smiled and said, “I must apologize for the shabbiness of my home, but Harewood belonged to my husband’s family and I haven’t had the inclination to come to London in a decade. Not even to see it.”
“Harewood is beautiful. Please don’t apologize for it. You’re being terribly kind as it is,” Lissa said, accepting the chair. There was an uneasy edge to her voice but she hoped Lady Antonia hadn’t heard it. The woman was being quite gracious, for she hardly knew her. Still, Lissa didn’t quite trust her. Perhaps because she was in London now where trust was becoming a precious artifact. But most likely it was because Lady Antonia was a friend of Ivan’s. A dreadfully intimate friend. Antonia knew the color of Ivan’s eyes and though Lissa hated herself for it, she found it almost impossible to override the stab of jealousy she felt whenever she remembered the ball.
“Everyone has been wondering where you ran off to, Miss Alcester,” Antonia began. “Where are you staying in London?”
Lissa hesitated and gave Antonia a wary glance. She didn’t want to tell her where she was staying, for if she did that, there was the terrible possibility that Ivan might come for her.
“Miss Alcester?”
Lissa cleared her throat. “I’m presently in St. Giles.”
Lady Antonia stared at her, horrified. “You don’t mean St. Giles-in-the-Fields?”
“Yes, I do,” Lissa said stiffly.
Antonia shook her head, then sat opposite her. “Ivan is worried about you. Why did you run away?”
Taken off guard, Lissa didn’t know how to respond. A pained expression crossed her delicate features and she stated quietly, “Ivan needn’t worry about me.”
“Ivan worries about a lot of things that perhaps he shouldn’t.”
“I expect to find a position as governess quite soon. I was out this morning, in fact, interviewing with a household.”
“I’m sure you’ll succeed.” Antonia studied her. Lissa’s unnaturally pale visage didn’t pass by her scrutiny, nor her feverish brow. She added, “However, in the meantime, I insist you stay here at Harewood. St. Giles is no place for a lovely girl like you, Miss Alcester.”
Lissa was just about to refuse her offer politely when the tea arrived. She sat in silence while Antonia poured out.
When her hostess had handed her a cup, Lissa couldn’t contain herself any longer. “I hope you won’t think me ungrateful, but I wonder why you’re doing this. I’m a stranger to you, yet, off the street, you invite me to your home. Now you ask me to stay as your guest until I find a position as governess. Please forgive my curiosity, but—”
Antonia interrupted her with a laugh. “Yes, you probably think me quite batty.” She sipped her tea and turned thoughtful. “Miss Alcester, you must know, I’ve known Ivan a long time. Well over ten years. He was not even twenty years old when he . . . well, when we . . .”
Lissa tensed. Antonia didn’t even have to finish.
“What does my being here have to do with Ivan?” Lissa asked nervously.
“Everything.” Antonia put down her cup and stood. “I see you’re upset. And you have a right to be. Ivan can be quite a pill at times.” A glimmer of a smile crossed her face. “Of course, he does have other attributes that make
him easier to tolerate, but that can’t make up for everything, now can it?”
“No,” Lissa said, putting down her cup also. She was feeling worse by the minute and it had nothing to do with her feverish state.
Antonia walked to the window of the drawing room. She pulled up the Austrian shade of robin’s egg blue and looked out. Even in the gray light, Lissa could see the lines on her beautiful face, lines she’d missed the evening of the ball. For the first time she realized Antonia was probably quite a bit older than Ivan.
“I’m glad I found you, Lissa—may I call you Lissa?” She nodded and Antonia continued. “As you must have guessed, I’m a great friend of the marquis. In fact, Ivan and I were lovers.”
Lissa’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Are you still?”
“No,” Antonia answered. She then turned and looked right into her eyes. “Truly I am a contented married woman once more. You see, I knew Ivan when I was newly widowed. As you might have already guessed, I’ve no fondness for town life. I stayed in Cullenbury after Bradley died and thus became quite lonely. Until I met Ivan. . . .”
“I see,” Lissa said, on the verge of tears. Though she believed Antonia when she had said she and Ivan were no longer lovers, somehow the conversation upset her anyway. Perhaps the reason was still as simple as jealousy. Even at the ball Lissa had sensed a closeness between this woman and Ivan, a closeness she knew she would never have.
“I’m telling you this, Lissa, because I want to help you. I know all about your family—The Scandal and all. And I know how hard you’ve struggled to keep your family together. You deserve happiness now—you both do. And I know things that can help you.”
“Help me do what?” she asked, brushing a silent tear from her cheek.
“To forgive him.”
She looked up. With all the bitterness in her soul, she said, “How can I forgive him when he’ll never forgive me?”
Antonia kneeled before her and took her hand in hers. “Is it the scar? He hasn’t told me about it, but I knew it had something to do with you.”
“Yes—and no,” Lissa whispered. “The scar I didn’t mean to do, but everything was so different then. I was so different then. The situation got out of hand.”
She didn’t want to continue; she didn’t want to trust this beautiful woman, but once she had begun, all her dammed-up emotions came surging out. “Now, of course, it’s more than that. When Ivan returned to Nodding Knoll I had hoped he might forget the past. Yet that first moment he looked at me, I knew he never would. In me he saw everyone in Nodding Knoll who had ever cast him a disparaging look. He wanted to get even with us all, but that was impossible. So he chose to get even with me instead. And he did. But still he isn’t satisfied. He’ll never be satisfied!” She began to cry in earnest now, and Antonia handed her a linen hankie that she’d kept tucked in her wrist. “So that’s why I left,” she said, weeping. “That’s why I had to go.”
“Ivan is a misguided fool!” Indignant now, Antonia rose to her feet and began pacing the carpet. “If he were to exact revenge upon every person who ever hurt him, then he should have begun with me!”
With that unexpected statement, Lissa looked up. Her lips trembling, she said, “He adores you. Anyone can see that. What could you have possibly done to have hurt him?”
“There are ways of hurting people simply by neglect.” Seeing Lissa’s puzzled expression, Antonia continued. “Ivan and I began our ‘relationship’ when he was barely a man. I was almost fifteen years older than he and brilliantly wealthy. And he was just a stableboy, and a bastard
at that. He would show up at my door sometimes as late as midnight, smelling of the stables where he worked. But I’d let him in every time. And do you know why?”
Woefully Lissa shook her head.
“Because I wanted the sun and the stars and the moon. I wanted all those things, and Ivan seemed completely capable of giving them to me. He took my breath away and then promised me even more until I wanted so much from him that I thought I’d die waiting for him to show up at my door night after night.
“And do you know what he wanted from me?” Antonia laughed mirthlessly. “He wanted me to teach him to read! I can still picture him waiting for me in my husband’s library, caressing the spines of my husband’s books as if they held the key to the universe. And it was so out of reach. Not a soul in his entire life had ever taken the time even to show him the alphabet, much less to see that he attended school. Somehow, when he met me, I suppose he thought that I might take the time.”
“Did you?” Lissa whispered.
The lines deepened on Antonia’s face. “I had the means. My God, I could have seen to it that he was the most educated man in all of England. That little effort would have barely been alms for the poor in light of what he had given me. And that little bit I didn’t do because I couldn’t be bothered.”
A heavy silence followed as Antonia wiped her eyes.
“He can read now, of course,” Lissa said.
“Yes. In the end he taught himself, I suppose. I found out he had learned years later, after he was no longer coming to see me.”
“Is that why he quit coming? Because you didn’t teach him?”
Antonia smiled warmly and gave her a strange, knowing look. “No, Lissa. Ivan left me for all the reasons a handsome young man leaves his mistress. Because he
found another who pleased him more. One who was younger and far more lovely than I, I’m afraid.”
Lissa dropped her eyes and stared into her knotted hankie. Of course. Ivan had moved on. He had left Antonia, as he had probably left a hundred women; as he would have left her if she had given him the chance.
But she would never give him the chance. Never.
Seemingly without cause, Antonia brightened. As she studied Lissa approvingly, her brilliant emerald eyes sparkled with hope. “You love him, don’t you?” she said quietly. “You just don’t know if he loves you, isn’t that right?”
Lissa refused to meet her eye. She took a deep breath and said vengefully, “Ivan is incapable of being loved. Any fool can see that.”