What Would Oprah Do (20 page)

Dear Oprah,

I’m sorry about the letter I sent about the end of your show. And I’m sorry about the emails after that, for anytime I questioned your choice in doing that. It was selfish and self absorbed, and I’m ashamed to say that I meant every word when I sent it. But I’ve changed. I am happy for you. You came into your OWN, and I know I will always look forward to your next chapter. Look at how far we’ve come. I’m in the right place for me, and I am confident that you’re moving in the right direction for you.

Yours,

Cate

Ps. Although I’m no longer seeking adoption, I am always available to hang out. If you ever want to come by for a glass of wine and watch the moonvines, let me know.

Vivian told me once that life works out when you’re not trying to do the work for it. At the time it was hard for me to believe, because I was fighting with myself, my fate, trying to create something that was there all along. I miss Vivian every single day. Whenever I’m overcome with emotion and wishing she was still here, I try to think about what Oprah would say about grieving. Oddly the only thing that comes to mind is something my Grandaddy once told me. “You can wish in one hand and shit in the other. You’ll see which hand gets full first.”

I moved into the house, which despite what I had expected, never felt strange. I rented out my condo, which will have to due until the market picks up and I can sell it. The garden doesn’t bring in a lot of income, but the house is paid for, so it brings in enough. It’s enough to live comfortably and to have the good coffee.

The best part of all is that when I’m in the garden, I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in my life. Whether it’s picking the vegetables and bringing them to the market, or trying to make my own preserves the way Vivian used to, I’m at peace. Dinner with Christian is still as close as I have gotten to a date, but I will, when I’m ready.

Tonight I’m having the girls over. Kay has started seeing someone new. She’s been stingy with the details, but that is usually a good sign with her.
Love
. Kay gives it selflessly and I know it’s coming back to her. Maybe not this guy, but soon.

Jill is working on being happy on her own. I know she’s struggling, but now it can be my turn to be supportive.
Reciprocity
. I wonder if Oprah and Gayle yo-yo with each other like that.

Lainey is starting fresh in her life, from scratch after the divorce. She’s happy and looking for a job. She is staying with me and Buddy until she gets on her feet.
Providence
. I finally live in a place big enough to offer a friend a place to stay.

The
moonvines have just started blooming. I can see why Vivian didn’t tell me about them. She didn’t want to ruin the surprise. After the months of guiding them as they seem to weave endlessly around the deck, they form long buds on the end. Then, like magic, one night when the sun goes down and the moon shows up, a flower blooms. They’re big, stark white, delicately intricate but sturdy at the same time. They look like they’re made out of fabric. My favorite thing in the whole world is to sit on the back deck with a glass of wine, and wait for the exact moment when the sun goes down and the bloom opens. Watching them reminds me how I want to live my life. If you take the time, you’ll see the most enchanting things.

It was bittersweet. The day Vivian died was the day I realized my purpose. I guess she had a people thumb too. I framed her garden instructions, so they’ll always be preserved, and I can’t spill anything on them. I’ve already made some mistakes, but I’m learning and enjoying every minute of it.

I don’t know how I missed it when she first handed them to me, but at the bottom, after she’s listed how to care for zucchini, yellow squash, and egg plants, there were instructions for how to care for myself too. She wrote: You – room to breathe, moments to enjoy the moonvines, and the morning glories, time to feel the earth, and grow and blossom.

Dear Beyonce,

Congratulations on your win at The People’s Choice Awards. You deserve it and were my choice. During your acceptance speech, you thanked your fans and said you wouldn’t have been there without their support. I am one of the people who
has supported you. I can’t tell you how many of your CDs I have bought, and more recently downloaded from ITunes. I even went to see your movie, Obsessed. (For the record I have also supported Jay-Z. I loved his interview with Oprah.) I have identified with you, and your love of fried chicken, but tonight when you were singing Single Ladies, I felt like you may not realize what it is like for the rest of us, who really are single ladies. We are not going on private yachts to private islands for vacation. We are trying to muster up thirty dollars for a few glasses of wine out with our friends. It’s not easy. We’re trying to go somewhere to do the Single Ladies dance (btw, great video!), and it’s hard to fund the entertainment. I have truly supported you, and even defended you when others have begrudged you your success. And I’ve been happy to do it. But let me tell ya, being independent is a hard road to travel in real life. I am struggling. I have tried to start my own business, only to find that it’s hard to make a solid go of anything without money behind it. You got a big head start on me, always knowing what you wanted to do and having a boat load of talent. If you truly believe that you wouldn’t be where you are today without the support of your fans, I’m unabashedly asking you to repay the favor and support me in my business. That’s not true; I’m semi-mortified to be sending this email. As it is, there is no room for any pride, and I would be truly grateful for any assistance whatsoever.

Regards,

Cate

Dear Virginia,

I have been smoking Virginia Slims for years, and years. Even after many friends have quit smoking, I have remained a true and loyal customer. Whenever I am at a bar, I have my cigarettes visibly present in the packaging. Essentially I have provided free advertising for your brand for eight years. I have also aided in distribution, as I have purchased your cigarettes from vending machines as well, which has to be noticeable when they are restocked. I have not asked for anything in return, with the exception of my enjoyment of your product. However, times have changed and money is tight. I have continued to purchase your product despite the ever increasing expense associated with it. I will not sue you if I develop problems from not heeding the warning on your cigarette, thus costing you time, money, and inconvenience. As a valued customer I would like to ask that you return the favor and invest in me as well. I am broke. Broke, broke, broke. I need money for a start up business. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Cate

P.S. I am switching to some additive free cigarettes, but that’s not the point.

Dear Andrew Firestone,

Not only have I been a loyal customer of your family’s wine, I watched you on The Bachelor. You were quite cute, and it was a pleasure to witness your dating extravaganza. However, unlike you, I do not have family resources to draw upon in a time of need. I have no money. I would desperately like to start my own venture, but so far that has not worked out very well as I have not been able to secure proper funding. Have you considered funding a grant program for those of us who are hard working and ambitious, but without financial means? If so, I would like to be first on the list for applications. As things are now, I will no longer be able to afford your Prosperity Merlot.

Regards,

Cate

P.S. If your Prosperity wine is supposed to bring fortune to those who drink it, it has not worked for me.

Dear Mr. Belvedere,

You were the best butler ever. I’m kidding. I have been drinking your vodka for years. It is my vodka of choice for martinis. I would use it for mixed drinks, but I can’t afford it for everything.
Which brings me to my little problem. I couldn’t even count how many times I have spent fifty-six dollars for a bottle of your vodka. I use it at home, order it out, and have given it as gifts. There have been other, cheaper vodkas, which I haven’t even tried for a martini because I have trusted that yours was the best. I would like for you to consider returning the favor and investing in me as well. I’m trying to start a business and have very little funds to further my endeavor. The smallest assistance would be greatly appreciated. Without some assistance I don’t see how I can afford to remain the loyal customer I have been. However with your help I have every confidence that I can be a success and continue to purchase and promote your product. Your consideration is greatly appreciated.

Regards,

Cate

Dear Chelsea Handler,

I went to see you perform, and girl, you were drunk. I know that is part of your charm, and my support of your career probably affords you that option. That being said, would you like to contribute to my business venture? I’m making hats. This email would
probably be more convincing, but I’ve been drinking. I’m sure you understand.

Regards,

Cate

P.S. Seriously, you were so fucking drunk. Could you at least send me the $86 I spent on the ticket?

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

I can’t tell you how much I admire you. You’ve come a long way, and you have done it with such grace, you’re like a mini white Oprah. I have a long way to go and hope I can do it with the same kind of dignity. As it is, I’m struggling. I watched you on Friends (but who didn’t) and followed your career with trips to the movie theatre and DVD purchases. Along Came Polly was hysterical! And for the record, I know you have good friends like Courtney Cox and you don’t need me telling you this, but Brad is an ass clown. He was quite the catch when you were with him, but after that it was all downhill in my book. Anyway, my point. I have supported you from the first season of Friends, and I’m so glad that so many people did and that you have been successful. I’m not succeeding right now. I’m trying, but nothing is going my way. I’m sure you know what that feels like. The thing is, my dad isn’t a famous actor, and no one is going to bail me out of the shit I’m standing in. If there is any way that you would consider contributing what I know could be my future success, please let me know. I work hard, and I really need a break. I promise that if you invest in me, I will do whatever I can to give you a return and make something of myself.

Regards,

Cate

P.S. I will NEVER watch Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
Also, if you’re really friends with Chelsea Handler, can you get me a refund on the ticket I spent to see her? She was drunker than I am right now. Yowzah.

Dear Victoria,

Girl, I know your secret. You don’t eat. For years I have bought panties that look more like contraptions with bands everywhere, and bras that are so uncomfortable they have sucked my will to live. And when you made a change to your brand, I had to have the word PINK on my ass, but I did it and wore your pajamas anyway. Do you know how many pink bags I’ve walked out of your store with over the years? I’m committed and loyal. Now I need some help. Unfortunately I can’t sell my used bras and unflattering thongs, but with the amount of money I have spent, I need a return on my investment. So I’m asking you to invest in me. I’m a real girl, not some “angel” from your ads. Nobody is paying me a ton of money to show up and walk around in my underwear. And I’m broke. Seriously, I have given you so much of my income over the years with false hope that I will look sexy in it, and I need something back. I have started a business venture that is low on financial backing. Please consider me at the top of your list for financial contributions or charitable donations. And I won’t tell anybody about your secret one way or the other because I’m not like that.

Regards,

Cate

P.S. Please quit saying that a certain style flatters every figure. Sometimes, they just don’t.

Dear Brad Pitt,

You are an ass clown. Why you would ever leave Jennifer Aniston is beyond me. But on to other matters, I am broke. I would like my eight dollars back for Meet Joe Black. That was a colossal waste of my time, and I would like a refund.

Cate

Thank you to the following individuals who without their contributions and support this book would not have been written:

My husband Paul, who chose to make this journey with me. Questo è uno di quei momenti in cui mi sarà lieto che qualcosa è andato perso nella traduzione. Siete ancora la roccia del mio mondo.

My parents Carroll and Brenda, who never limited my imagination or my dreams.
My sister Corey, who brings a special sister element to all of my writing and reads very rough drafts. My friend Courtney Mosteller, who was excited even when I was terrified. And Ben Rooke merits a special acknowledgement for reminding me of who I am. Ben, I took the left.

I have the greatest appreciation for some gifted writer friends:
Andi Buchanan, Caroline Leavitt, Meg Waite Clayton and Jennifer Lauck. Despite busy schedules and their own work, they generously made time to share their expertise.

Oprah has inspired me to be my best self and pursue my authentic life. I hope she finds this book to be
an homage to her.

And to everyone who has to start over, you can do it. And watching Oprah can help.