What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (9 page)

My buddies sensed my change in mood. I had become introspective, and they knew the emotional toll the thing with Jules had had on me; now I had this new woman to try to get over piled on top of the shit stack that my love life had become.

While on one hand I would be forever grateful that this woman had helped me see beyond my pain from the Jules situation, on the other hand, I had to face the facts. She disappeared from my life as quickly as she had come into it, and I had no way of tracking her down. Not a name, not a phone number. Not a friend.
Nothing except a goddamn earring.

So I would move to San Diego as planned and start over. Only now I needed that fresh beginning more than ever.

“You having fun, man?” Bill asked when I drained my third beer.

I shrugged.

“Is it because of the girl from last night?”

I nodded.

“You want to leave?”

“Nah.
Let’s have some fun. It’s my last night here.”

“You’ve had a lot going on, bud. It’s okay to take a break.”

“I don’t need a break. But I do need another beer.”

Bill called the waitress over.

We called it a fairly early night so I could get going at a decent time the next day. I could tell Bill and Mike were disappointed that our night didn’t end up being a blow-out, but my heart just wasn’t in it. My heart was too busy being broken. By two different women.

I was so fucking done with women.

Except that was a total lie.

Sunday morning found me turning in my apartment keys and hitching my
Silverado to the back of the truck so I could pull it along behind me as I drove to California. I slipped the earring that Gorgeous had left behind into my pocket, holding onto the one remnant from our night together. I walked across the street to Starbucks and grabbed a coffee and some food to sustain me for my car trip. I glanced around the place when I walked in, wondering where she had sat the day before as grief overwhelmed me at the loss of that perfect woman. I was leaving behind Arizona, which meant that I was leaving behind the mystery woman.

After Starbucks, I headed to Walgreens to stock up on
Twizzlers and Dr. Pepper – my favorite road trip goodies. I couldn’t get her off of my mind, but it was about time to head out.

A glance at the clock told me it was noon, so I texted Dan to let him know I was on my way, and then I thought briefly about Julianne. I had to let Jules know I was leaving. Despite everything that had gone down, I still felt an allegiance to the woman who had held my heart for as long as I could remember. The chance encounter with Gorgeous had left me feeling
more sad than anything else, but I was finally able to accept the truth about the other woman who had broken my heart. Jules didn’t want me the way I had always wanted her. And I was okay with that. Now that I had tasted what else could be out there for me, it was time to find a way to move on from Julianne. It hurt like hell, and it would take some time, but I could see that I was going to be okay.

The problem was that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to move on from the mystery woman.

I didn’t want to actually talk to Jules, so I didn’t call her cell. I took my mother’s words to heart, and she was partially right. I felt bad that Jules was hurt when I went and told Nick about us, and I had to let her know that I felt bad about that before I left town. I called her landline at her apartment, taking the chance she wouldn’t be home. For once, my prayer was answered.

“You’ve reached Julianne. Please leave a message at the beep. Thanks!”

“Hey, it’s me. Um… So I hate how we left things. I don’t want you to be mad at me for talking to Nick, but he deserved to know what happened. Anyway. So, the real reason I called is to let you know I’m going to live with my friend Dan for awhile in San Diego. I just need something different. I have to get away from all of this… uh… this shit. So… well, anyway. Later.”

I should’ve thought it through before I left the message, because I knew I rambled. But it was good enough. It was done, and now I was free to start the truck that would lead me to my new life.

A couple of hours into my solo road trip, my phone rang. I had been lost in thought about Gorgeous, wondering how I was supposed to move on from here. I glanced at the screen and saw that it was Jules, but I didn’t want to discuss it. I had nothing more to say to her, and I didn’t want to hear her try to convince me that I was making the wrong decision by moving. I didn’t want to hear her apologies. I just wanted to move on in peace.

I sent it to voicemail.

I had a bad feeling about it, but I was moving to San Diego for a fresh start. Talking to Jules on the way seemed like a foolish way to hold onto the past when I was ready to start my new life.

I pulled into the parking lot to Dan’s apartment a little after 6:00. After being alone with my thoughts for the past six hours, I had arrived at several conclusions during the long, lonely ride.

I was ready to be selfish for awhile. I loved women and sex too much to write them off, and Dan had already told me how many lovely ladies the town of San Diego had to offer, so I was ready to just have some fun. Maybe Gorgeous had the right idea: No Strings Attached. After the drama of her combined with the drama that Jules brought into my life, I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I was ready to hit the new town as the new and improved Travis Matthew Miller.

I hopped down from the driver’s seat to the street and stretched my back. I could see the beach from where I stood in the parking lot, and I immediately knew I had made the right decision.

I glanced around. I had visited Dan before, so I knew what I was getting myself into, but seeing the beach from my spot in the parking lot confirmed it.

I felt a surge of something between excitement and expectation rumble through me.

I grabbed my overnight bag containing my clothes and toiletries, and I headed toward the open building and walked up to Dan’s fourth floor apartment. I knocked on the door, and he opened it a minute later. “Hey buddy!” he greeted me, giving me one of his signature guy hugs, hitting my back twice.

“Hey, man,” I said, setting my bag down inside the door.

“Welcome to your new home.”

I grinned. “Good to be here.”

“You want to unpack the truck or grab dinner first?”

“I don’t think it’ll take long to unpack the truck. Let’s start there and then grab dinner after.”

My apartment in Arizona had been fully furnished, so I had a lot of shit that I was bringing to Dan’s place. I lucked out in that the roommate that had moved out a month earlier had taken a lot of furniture with him, so there actually was space for my stuff.

Dan’s job at my dad’s firm in San Diego must have paid well, because his apartment was fucking incredible. He must’ve been doing better than I thought he was.

The apartment had three bedrooms; two were master suites complete with walk-in closets and full bathrooms, and the third was a guest room. There was a third full bathroom in the hallway, and the apartment featured a huge kitchen, a dining room, a family room, a laundry room, and an office. The décor was modern and the place was spacious. It was pretty nice digs for two dudes.

A little over two hours later, the truck was unpacked and ready to be returned the following day. My dad had wanted to me to start working right away, but I told him I needed a couple of days to adjust to my new life in California, so I would be starting on Wednesday, and Dan had taken Monday off to show me around town and help me return the truck.

The thing I loved the most about my new apartment in San Diego was the location. It was walking distance to the beach, and there was a fantastic little bar right on the way. That fantastic little bar was where Dan took me to dinner.

The bar was called Skips, and it was one of those dive bars
that’s perfect for playing pool with buddies. Sexy women somehow poured into the place even though I imagined it as the type of place that had a thick layer of smoke rising above the crowd before smoking was banned in public places in California. My guess was because of its proximity to the beach.

They served bar food, but it was good bar food
: Juicy burgers, spicy hot wings, and crispy potato skins. And ice cold beer.

I ordered my first beer as a California resident, and the waitress, a cute blonde girl with a great ass, winked at me when she set it down. I grinned at her, and things were already looking up.

Not that I’d forgotten about the woman from Friday night. She was still in the forefront my mind despite my pact to myself that I was bottling and burying my feelings for her.

That time alone in the truck had forced me into the realization that it was one of those surreal nights that I would always treasure. Unfortunately for me, it couldn’t be anything more. The thought of that still shattered me, but it just
wasn’t meant to be. And I needed, as my sister so lovingly told me, to man the fuck up.

Dan and I split varying levels of hot wings; I opted for medium while he chose hot, and the hot were fucking HOT. I felt beads of sweat forming on my forehead as I gulped down buckets of ranch dressing trying to alleviate the burn.

After we ate, we sat around shooting the shit and drinking beer.

“Talk to me about the scene,” I said.

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

“Take a look around,” he ordered. I did. “What do you see?”

“I see pool tables. You game?”

He laughed. He knew I’d kick his ass every time.

“Maybe later
. What else do you see?”

“I see a lot of sexy blonde women.”

“Welcome to California,” he said, raising his bottle in a toast.

I chuckled and tapped my
bottle to his.

“Did you talk to her before you
left?” he asked out of the blue.

I shook my head, knowing he meant Jules. “No. I left her a message letting her know I was moving, but I didn’t want to talk to her.”

“You seem to be holding up okay.”

“You know something? I am. But it’s not because of Jules.”

“Then what?”

“I met a girl on Friday.”

He arched an eyebrow. “And?”

It’s funny how guys talk about sex. We share dirty summaries, at least Dan and I always had, but when a girl walked into the picture and I actually cared about her? I didn’t want to share one damn thing about my night with Gorgeous.
Maybe because feelings were suddenly involved. But since I would never see her again, and he wouldn’t go away until I told him
something
, I did what guys do. “I fucked her.”

“And?” he repeated.

“And it was… good.” I glanced down at the table and played with the rings my bottle had left on the table.

“Good?”

I sighed. “Yeah. Real good.”

“Just once?”

“If I’m being honest, I fucked her four times and she gave me head twice between Friday night and Saturday morning.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“That’s not typical for me.”

“Thank God. I was starting to question the idea of having someone with your stamina sleeping across the hall from me.”

I laughed, and we both focused on our bottles for a moment. I finished mine and then started playing with the label.

“So what’s next?” he
finally asked.

“What’s next is I find some California woman to keep me warm at night.”

“What about the four by two girl?”

I chuckled at his nickname for her. “The four by two
girl is history.”

“How do you let someone like that go?”

“Not by choice,” I said dryly.

“So what happened, then?”

The waitress walked up and we ordered another round.

“She wa
nted a no strings attached deal,” I said after the waitress walked away. “We were both drunk when we established that there would be no strings. We didn’t exchange numbers. Or names, for that matter.”

“You are my hero.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I once dated a girl for three years and I got a total of two blow jobs from her. You got two in one night and you let her walk out your door?”

“I’ll repeat, it wasn’t my choice. I tried to get her to stay.”

“So I take it she somehow helped you move past the Julianne thing?”

“Kind of.” I glanced over at the television and watched one play of the basketball game that was on before I continued. “I’m still hooked on Jules. I think I will be for the rest of my life. You don’t get over your first… everything, you know?” Dan nodded, and I kept talking. I was usually a man of fewer words, but something about being in a new place with an old friend was comforting. I wanted to get it all out, and I wanted to hear what my closest buddy had to say about it.

The waitress delivered our beers.

“So how are you really doing with all of this?” he asked.

“I had a shit ton of time to think about that on the way here, and I have to chalk up what happened with the four by two to a really hot night and a really good time. And I have to let Jules go. I have to let her be happy with that douche bag, but I also think that means I have to cut her out of my life.”