Read What Abi Taught Us Online
Authors: Lucy Hone
What Abi Taught Us (24 page)
ULTIMATELY, BEREAVEMENT IS JUST
another part of life, because nothing and no one lasts forever. To deny that is to deny being human.
I love British chat-show host Graham Norton's thoughts on forever, written at the end of his most recent book,
The Life and Loves of a He Devil
. âWho came up with this concept that's designed to torture and disappoint us? Nothing lasts for ever and that's just the way things should be.' He goes on to explain that, however much he loves Bailey (his current dog), he knows their time together is limited, as, like all living things, Bailey too will eventually die.
âOf course if I was asked if I wanted Bailey to live for ever I would say yes, but in reality knowing that he will leave me makes my time with him more precious, the love bittersweet.'
1
His advice to âenjoy the party because we know there will come a time when the music will be switched off and the lights switched on' appeals to me. Actually, it does more than that: it hones in on a fundamental truth that guides my life, and, I've come to realise, has guided my grieving. âOne of the great joys of life,' he writes, âis knowing that things change. Relish the happy times; endure the sad. For ever is a pointless fantasy. Everything comes to an end.'
We have to accept that we will be faced with myriad losses during our lives. We know that rationally, but I now think that grasping this truismâaccepting that death is universally part of lifeâactually helps us to live better as well as to grieve better. It has motivated me to pull myself out of the dark hole of my grief and return to the living, to be present and grateful for all that I have and can do. Not tomorrow but just for today.
Viewing death as inevitable puts us back in touch with our natural life cycle: we are born, we live, we may raise a family, achieve things, love, but we all eventually die. That is the human life course. Our time on this planet is short. Make it count.
I HAVE ONE LAST THING
to say on the matter of griefâand what losing Abi has taught us.
I suspect that our grieving experience has, in part, been made a great deal easier by the fact that we know Abi had a good life. Her twelve short years were packed full of living, she was profoundly loved and (this is the crucial bit) she knew it. Little Abi Hone knew that her parents loved her, her brothers loved her, her wider family loved her, friends loved her, and all her school teachers and community did too. In that respect she led a charmed life.
We often hear the bereaved long for âjust one more minute' or âjust one more chance' but one more minute holds little appeal for me. One more minute is no use at all: it is the decades of her life I long for.
I've pondered this over the past months and decided that, at the core of our ability to accept her loss and endure life without her, lies a lack of regret. We have no need of one more minute with Abi because we have nothing more to say. We said it all while she was here, straight to her face, while she was living. Through thought and word and deedâand texts, emails and voice messages, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat too. We watched movies, read books, baked cakes, collected shells, swam, sang, laughed and cried.
We didn't say goodbye to her on that last day. The last time we saw her alive she jumped out of the car and ran off to the netball courts to watch Ella's team play. But that doesn't matter either, because we'd said goodbye so many times before (and hello, I love you and sleep tight). That single absence means nothing in a lifetime of presence.
Because she knew she was loved and we'd done so much with her, we have nothing to regret. Ultimately, that is the essence to living and dying: to do it all and say it all while those you care for are still here. That is my message for the living. So, even if, sadly, it is too late to tell these things to the person you are grieving today, there's always someone else out there who needs to hear it. Say it, do it, no regrets.
We know we will never get over the loss of our little girl. Instead, life grows around her absence and we are learning to carry that pain. We were lucky to have her for the short years she lived.
We will always have you, dear Abi, wrapped up in our hearts.
We will never stop loving you.
Always and forever.
HE SLEEPS IN A STORM
At Abi's funeral our good friend and chaplain, Jimmy Ullrich, shared the following parable with us. Actually, he said it was a true story, from Mitch Albom's newest book,
Have a Little Faith
(Albom also wrote
Tuesdays with Morrie
, which I loved). Apparently, this story was first recounted in a sermon, back in 1975 by Albom's Rabbi.
A man seeks employment on a farm. He hands his letter of recommendation to his employer. It reads simply, âHe sleeps in a storm.'
The owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man.
Several weeks pass, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley.
Awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of the bed. He calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly.
So he dashes off to the barn. He sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed.
He runs out to the field. He sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins.
He races to the silo. The doors are latched, and the grain is dry.
And then he understands, âHe sleeps in a storm.'
My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces tight. We will never wallow in the agony of âI could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm.
And when it's time, our good-byes will be complete.
M. Albom,
Have a Little Faith
, London: Hachette Digital, 2009, p. 93.
Chapter 1
1
This quote has most frequently been attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, but is more likely to be taken from a 1905 essay by Bessie A. Stanley.
2
A. Masten, âOrdinary magic',
American Psychologist
, 2001, 56(3), p. 227.
3
V. Frankl,
Man's Search for Meaning
, New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1959, p. 23.
4
Skylight,
When You're Grieving: Some helpful info and ideas to help you on the journey
, Wellington, NZ: Skylight Trust, 2009.
5
E. Kübler-Ross,
On Death and Dying
, New York, NY: Routledge, 1973.
6
Frankl, p. 66.
7
While I was introduced to this poem as âShe Is Gone', its official title is âRemember Me'. It was used by Queen Elizabeth II at the funeral for the Queen Mother and credited âanonymous'. For the full and fascinating story on its provenance and how the true author was discovered, see
www.poeticexpressions.co.uk/poems/you%20can%20shed%20tears%20that%20she%20is%20gone.htm
Chapter 2
1
M. Csikszentmihalyi,
Flow: The psychology of optimal experience
, New York, NY: Harper Collins, 1990, p. 29.
2
Csikszentmihalyi, p. 30.
3
S. Fox,
Creating a New Normal . . . After the death of a child
, Bloomington, NY: iUniverse Inc., 2010, p. 41.
4
Csikszentmihalyi, p. 33.
5
K. Reivich, personal communication, 7 July 2014.
6
K. Mossman, personal communication, 10 July 2014.
7
P. Chödrön,
When Things Fall Apart: Heart advice for difficult times
, Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications, 2005, pp. 10, 15.
8
Chödrön, p. 13.
9
W. Worden,
Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner
, 4th edn, New York, NY: Springer Publishing, 2009, p. 44.
10
B. Noel and P. Blair,
I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, coping and healing after the sudden death of a loved one
, Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2008.
Chapter 3
1
R. Newman, âResilience and psychology: A healthy relationship', 2003,
www.apa.org/monitor/julaug03/pp.aspx
(accessed 14 January 2016).
2
S. Southwick, âThe Science of Resilience',
www.huffingtonpost.com/stevenmsouthwick/traumaresilience_b_1881666.html
(accessed 26 February 2016).
3
D. Charney, âResilience: The science of mastering life's greatest challenges', online lecture for the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, recorded on 9 July 2013 (accessed 25 October 2015), see
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEWnTjgGVcw
4
K. Reivich, personal communication, 7 July 2014.
5
T. Attig, âInterview with Tom Attig',
www.griefsheart.com/tominterview.php
(accessed 14 January 2016).
6
G.A. Bonanno,
The Other Side of Sadness: What the new science of bereavement tells us about life after loss
, New York, NY: Basic Books, 2009, p. 76.
7
Bonanno,
The Other Side of Sadness
, p. 20.
8
G.A. Bonanno, âLoss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events?',
American Psychologist
, 2004, 59(1), p. 21.
9
Bonanno, âLoss, trauma, and human resilience', p. 21.
10
G.A. Bonanno and S. Kaltman, âThe varieties of grief experience',
Clinical Psychology Review
, 2001, 21, pp. 705â34.
11
Bonanno, âLoss, trauma, and human resilience', p. 23.
12
A.D. Mancini, G.A. Bonanno and A.E. Clark, âStepping off the hedonic treadmill: Latent class analyses of individual differences in response to major life events',
Journal of Individual Differences
, 2011, 32(3), pp. 144â52.