Weight Till Christmas (13 page)

Excerpt from
Rearranged

copyright © 2013 Ruth Saberton

Chapter 1

I’m seeing red.

Everywhere I look I see different shades; rubies and crimsons, burnt umbers and rusts, sunsets and burgundies. I never knew so many reds existed.   What is all this red stuff?  It’s on my clothes, my hands and all over my body.  Am I the victim of some frenzied knife attack by our friendly neighbourhood psycho, or have my twin sisters, Fizz and Roma, made the mistake of pinching my make-up again, provoking me to ensure that they never do it again?

Then, to my intense relief, I realise it’s nothing more sinister than layers upon layers of maroon and scarlet georgette, and the appliqué of henna on my hands. But this relief is short-lived when I realise the georgette is my zardosi-embroidered lehenga choli jora.  Or, in plain English, my wedding dress. Red is the colour worn by an Asian bride, and it appears that the bride is me, Amelia ‘Mills’ Ali. How on earth has that happened?

Try as I might, I can’t move.  I’m desperate to reach out and grasp something solid, to cling to it like a barnacle, in order to stop my life spinning out of control.  But every finger is heavily ringed with wedding gold. I focus all of my effort and concentration into wiggling those poor fingers.  If I’d put this much effort into revising for my finals I’d have got a first for sure, not that I’ll probably have much use for a first in English Literature where I’m headed once all this is over.  My chapatti-making skills will be far more useful. 

 Who’s the bridegroom anyway?  With my luck it’s probably a goat-herder with a body odour problem rather than Atif Aslam, Pakistan’s lushest singer.  Or, knowing the Ali’s preference for ‘keeping it in the family’, some interbred third cousin with a monobrow and more overbite than Goofy.  How can my parents do this to me?  The ink’s barely dried on my degree certificate and already they’ve shipped me back home to Pakistan.

Except it isn’t home, is it?  My home’s here, in Bradford.

I can’t sneak a look at my intended thanks to the weight of the headdress, the sohna, which is practically bolted into my skull. Its purpose, I’m sure, is to keep my head bowed and my gaze modestly on the floor.  Good brides are supposed to be demure, sad and a little afraid at the thought of the wedding night, a daunting prospect for any virginal bride, especially if your parents have made the decision for you.  My mother finds Terry Wogan attractive, for heaven’s sake.  God only knows who she’s lined up for me.

 Do I really want to know?

 With the sort of effort normally reserved for Olympic weightlifters, I lift my head very slowly and, as I do so, almost take out the auntie-ji on my left. 

 I take a deep breath.  How bad can it be?

 I turn.

 Oh, no.

 I know it’s rude to stare, and I don’t want you to think my parents have done a terrible job of raising me as a respectful and dutiful Muslim daughter, but I can’t help myself.  I have just never seen so much hair in one place.

First there’s the monobrow; it looks like someone’s glued a furry draft excluder on his forehead. Then there’s the massive mole sprouting a lone hair the exact width of piano wire.  I can’t even see his mouth.  How does he breathe with all the fuzz blocking his nasal passages?  Maybe he has gills?  And if his face is that hairy, what must the rest of him be like?

I am so out of here.

Oh, Allah-ji.  I think I’m about to have a full-blown panic attack.  Breathe, Mills, breathe.

Then something else stops me in my tracks.

Uh-oh.

He.  Is.  Wearing.  Make-up.

For those of you not familiar with Asian weddings, this may provide you with a false picture.  You’re probably imagining me standing next to a Boy George lookalike circa 1980, all pouting pink lips, slashes of blusher and emerald eye shadow.

I wish.  I’d be over the moon.

No. My groom is wearing surma, black kohl that, traditionally, female family members use to line the groom’s eyes.  Not often a problem, except the loving mummy-ji who did this must have all the motor skills of Mr Bean and the make-up sense of Marilyn Manson, because he’s a dead ringer for Chi Chi the giant panda. I half-expect him to start munching on a bamboo shoot at any minute. 

Any road, you get my gist.  This is so not a sexy look.

Now, in Bollywood movies this is the part where the heroine cries ‘Nahin!’ – ‘No!’ – just when she is on the brink of taking her vows and realises she simply cannot marry the guy with the foul breath/nostril hair/monobrow who is sitting next to her.  That’s right, folks, you guessed it, the guy chosen by her parents who are proudly expecting her to shout, ‘Yes!  Yes!  Yes!’ But our heroine loves another, and cannot live without him.  Just as she’s contemplating suicide (by Veet inhalation?) her bruised and battered lover – who has survived the dishum dishum session with the local thugs hired by her parents to beat the crap out of him so that he couldn’t gatecrash the wedding – miraculously appears on a white charger …

I look around frantically but alas I have no one true love (Atif Aslam has yet to make it to Yorkshire and One Direction are on tour) and souped-up Fords are more popular in Bradford than white chargers.

Bollocks.

I can’t go through with this!  I simply can’t!  The room starts to fray around the edges, then blurs and dips alarmingly, like a fairground ride.  Before I can stop myself I’m screaming…  

I wake to pitch darkness.  My heart’s thudding frantically against my chest and I am drenched in icy sweat.  The duvet is tangled tightly around my body and my copy of The Canterbury Tales has slipped from the bedside table and lies across my head.   There is an awful crick in my neck and my hands tucked beneath the pillow tingle as I withdraw them.  My dark hair tickles my nose.  Oh Allah-ji, thank you.  Thank you! I’m still in my own bed. I’m not at the wedding from Hell.  I’m not getting married.

I sit up, knees hunched up under my chin, and listen to my breathing as it calms.  Somewhere in the distance I hear a siren, and a car swishes past, casting a sweep of orange light across my room.  It’s raining and the patter of raindrops on the glass is as familiar and as comforting as the warmth of my own bed.  Good old miserable British weather, about as different from the relentless heat and airless nights in Pakistan as any weather could ever be.  The house creaks and sighs, and, from the attic conversion, I hear a toilet flush. It soothes me to know my brother, Qas, is also awake.  Gradually my breathing returns to normal and the horror of my dream fades.  I plump up my pillows, shake out my crumpled duvet and fall back onto my bed.

It was only a dream, Amelia, just a silly dream.  Mummy-ji is right; a vivid imagination is such a curse.  Maybe it’s time I put it to good use?

OK, I’m writing the script this time.  Let’s rearrange this wedding…

I’m wearing a gossamer-light wedding lehenga.  It’s a beautiful pale pink and, as I move, it shimmers like the heat on a summer’s day, with over five thousand Swarovski Crystals.  Each crystal has been lovingly (and painfully) stitched by hand, and the dress itself is designed by Manish Malhotra, India’s premier designer, dresser to the royalty of Bollywood, the Aishwarya Rais, Preity Zintas and Shilpa Shettys who grace the silver screen.

I’m still wearing my sohna bling but this time my head feels like a feather and I’m finding it hard not to smile.  I sneak a look at the man beside me and find myself gazing into eyes the same melting brown colour as warm chocolate buttons.  He’s got the cutest dimple and hair as glossy and blue-black as a raven’s wing.   He’s wearing an Armani suit, too.  Being a girl who really knows her labels I’m impressed.  Things are looking up. 

Yep. Mr Lush has it all.  Good looks, style and, beneath that suit, the firm lines of a fit body.  High cheekbones, flawless café au lait skin, darkened here and there by stubble, a curly, kissable mouth.  He’s the most attractive man I’ve ever seen, and what’s more, he’s staring at me with eyes that brim with passion.  Then he winks.

Now that’s more like it!

The problem is, he doesn’t actually exist.   Maybe I’ve spent far too long reading romances?

My nickname is no coincidence.  I was rebranded as Mills after my parents caught me devouring a Mills&Boon novel, instead of the intellectual material they thought I was reading for my GCSEs.  I must have read thousands of the things and of course I know they all have the same plot.  Doh.  I’m not stupid!  I just enjoyed seeing the plot unfurl and the happy ever afters arrive with satisfying regularity.     Who doesn’t want a happy ending?  Honestly?

I know I do.  I want what most girls want. I want to have my wedding cake and gobble it, too.  I want the whole works – the dress, the confetti, the honeymoon and the outrageously attractive groom who’s crazy about me.  I want a gorgeous husband that I’m head over heels in love with.

What’s wrong with that?

The problem is that I’m not in charge of the search for him.

Find my own husband?  Are you kidding?

‘Love?  No such thing!  Love comes after marriage,’ say all my elders. Yak yak yak, until my ears are practically bleeding.  Marriage, they say, is a tradition.  Almost all the parents I know have taken their son or daughter’s marriage into their own hands, because that’s just what happened to them, and to their parents, too. No one in our family has ever denied their parents’ wishes. Mummy-ji and Daddy-ji had an arranged marriage when they were really young.  I think that Mum was only about seventeen and Dad couldn’t have been more than twenty, and of course it all worked out brilliantly, which is great news for them but more down to luck than judgment if you ask me.  Not that you could ever convince them of that.

I don’t think I could take the emotional pressure if I don’t ‘see reason’ and agree to their choice.  My parents are fantastic. Not fanatics, dictators or control freaks, and all they want for me is my happiness.  They see themselves as wholly responsible for this, and if I go against their wishes they’ll be failures and bad parents in the eyes of our community.  How could I live with that?  I might be a Muslim but believe me I can give the Catholics a run for their money when it comes to guilt.

I sit up and click on my bedside light.  The alarm clock reads 4.22 a.m. but I’m wide-awake.  My brain is fizzing with excitement because I am certain I’m on the brink of having a brilliant idea. 

I only graduated three weeks ago, but already Mum has been dropping hints about my ‘next big step’ and somehow I don’t think she’s talking about my glittering career as an international magazine journalist.  Nope.  My parents are not talking about me becoming the next big star of the media world.  They are talking about the dreaded S word.

No!  Not sex!  (Before marriage? No way !)

S for shaadi, Urdu for marriage.

I’ve reached the deadline.  A bit like those best-before dates you get on food, which makes me the curdled yoghurt at the back of the fridge or maybe a mouldy heel of cheese.  Anyway; after my A-levels, when I’d reached the grand old age of eighteen, the age when women in our family tend to give in and get married, I’d rashly promised my olds that of course I’d eventually get married, but only after I’d completed my education.  I put it right at the bottom of my 'Things To Do (much) Later' list – along with lose a few pounds, do sit-ups every night and always take my make-up off before bed-time.  But time seems to have been on fast-forward mode and here I am, twenty-two years old and firmly bolted to my shelf with my parents starting to make noises about having nikkah papers to frame next to my degree certificate.

Miss Mills Ali, you have been evicted!  Please leave the Big Mother house!

Tomorrow is my cousin Tara's shaadi.  My new churidar kurtas are hanging up in my wardrobe and the bargain Jimmy Choos I found on eBay are in pride of place on my chest of drawers so that I can worship them from my bed.

But clothing aside, I’m dreading the whole affair.  Every relative for miles around will be there, gobbling free grub and wailing at the sadness of Tara leaving the family home, while endless auntie-jis will be dropping concrete-heavy hints regarding my unmarried state.  Mum will be whipped into a frenzy of sentimental paranoia and by the time we leave she’ll be mentally drawing up a shortlist of eligible bachelors for me and probably running up an Everest-sized phone bill calling all her friends in Pakistan for suggestions.

I’m getting a migraine just thinking about it – and I don’t even get migraines.   

So anyway, back to my brilliant idea.

My friend Eve always says if you sit in the passenger seat too long you forget how to drive.

 Maybe it’s about time I learned?

We hope you’ve enjoyed this sneak peek at
Rearranged
, which is available globally in eBook.

Ruth Saberton is the best-selling author of
Katy Carter Wants a Hero
. She also writes upmarket commercial fiction under the pen names Jessica Fox, Georgie Carter and Holly Cavendish.