Wanting It All (The Passion Series Book 1) (13 page)

Bri’s heart flutters at the thought of Lukus helping her bathe.  While it’s true he’s inspected her most intimate body parts, having him wash her back and hair seems more intimate, somehow. She feels like she should say no, but when he grabs a bath sponge and lathers it up with body soap, the objection dies in her throat. She tells herself he’s still the Master, and that she’s just following orders as she’s agreed to do. But deep down, she fears they are both feeling the same dangerous tug of something she’s afraid to acknowledge.

“So, why don’t you start at the beginning,” Lukus begins. “Who the fuck is Jake and why the hell did you feel the need for the touching reunion?” 

“Seriously. We’re really going to have this very personal discussion here… now… while I’m naked in the tub?”

“You bet.  Like I said, I suspect you won’t be able to hide the truth from me here.”

“Honestly, Lukus. I don’t want to hide anything.  Not anymore.”

“If it makes you feel any better, Markus has done his share of hiding secrets too.  For two people who love each other so much, you both seem to be very good at lying to each other.”  His tone is hard.

“I don’t feel like I lied to Markus,” she replies. “At least, not in the beginning.  Only later, after I’d healed did I start having to hide my feelings from him.”

“Healed? What the hell does that mean? Were you sick?”

Bri fears discussing her private sexual experiences with Lukus, but she pushes it down.  He is, after all, the Master of a private sex club.  If he can’t understand what she’s been through, she has no chance of helping Markus understand.  Brianna closes her eyes and starts her story as the jets of water continue to relax her body.

“Not sick the way you think.”  She takes a deep breath and starts from the beginning.  “I knew by the time I was halfway through college that there was something wrong with me.  Most of my friends were pairing up with nice boys who were complete pushovers. And they were happy with these guys. After all, it’s the twenty-first century. Why should men call all the shots? But all I saw when I looked at these guys were total wimps.  Of course, my friends all kept trying to set me up with guys like they had and so I’d date perfectly nice, normal guys to make them happy. But the more I dated
normal
guys the more frustrated I got. 

Do you know how exasperating it is to verbalize your submissive needs to a guy too clueless to figure it out and too weak to fulfill them even if he knew? It kind of defeats the purpose to spell it out, not that it mattered. Just the mention of the word ‘spanking’ had the ones I did tell bolting faster than a race car driver at Daytona.”

“Bri, look at me.” His sternly issued interruption startles her into instant obedience.

“Sweetheart, there’s nothing wrong with you or these feelings you have.  You know that, right?”  He doesn’t give her a chance to answer.  “I don’t ever want to hear you say there’s something wrong with you again.” He nods. “Go on.”

Bri settles back against the tub and continues.

“I guess an important part of the story is that I loved romance novels, but over time I realized the normal-boy-meets-normal-girl-happily-ever-after stories were just not cutting it with me.  I gravitated to the edgy romances where the woman was always the submissive to a dominant, strong man.  You know - the naughty p
rincess is captured by the rogue pirate and ravaged at sea until he admits he loves her and they live happily ever after. Or the naughty young socialite who marries the older Duke who spanks her into becoming a well-behaved young wife while loving and cherishing her till death do they part.  Over time, I found a lot of spanking and domestic discipline sites on the Internet and that lead to more aggressive BDSM sites and before long, I knew I wasn’t going to be happy unless I was with a strong man who would not only love me, but protect me, discipline me, and basically want to master me - at least in the bedroom. 

For years I kept those desires pushed down. Then I met my best friend Tiffany. She not only understood, but shared many of my same… well… hang-ups.”

Bri opens her eyes to look into Lukus’ eyes for the rest of the story.  “I know we were stupid, but after college, Tiff and I started hanging out at some of the BDSM clubs downtown.  We were smart enough to always stick together and at first; we just went to watch.  I was still too timid to actually cross over from a voyeur to a player and honestly, I was happy enough keeping it that way for a long time.  But then I met Jake.   He was my first and I guess my only BDSM relationship.”

“How old were you when you met him?”

“Twenty-two. A baby really.”

“So what happened?”

“The first few months or so things were okay.  I can’t say I was truly happy.  Not in the way I am with Markus, but I certainly was having fun exploring all of the darker sexual experiences I’d been reading and fantasizing about. And Jake was happy helping me explore them. Eventually, though, things started to change.  I’d pretty much plateaued and was happy with the spanking and the sex a little on the rough side.  Jake, on the other hand, had decided he wanted to keep pushing the envelope.”

“It truly is one of the hardest parts in a D/s relationship,” Lukus said. “The figuring out each other’s limits and understanding if the Dom and sub are compatible.”

“Well, that assumes that both people actually
want
to discover each other’s limits.”

Lukus’ face hardens. “He was a new Dom.  I gather he didn’t take it slow enough for you.  I try so hard to take new Doms under my wing to help them out.  So many assholes think that being a Dom means you just get to be a domineering jerk 24/7.  They don’t realize the great responsibility that comes with taking care of a submissive.  Subs are to be protected… nurtured… cherished.”

“Well, Jake must have missed getting that memo,” Brianna says with a mirthless laugh. “He had no interest in understanding my limits.  On the contrary, he wasn’t happy unless he was pushing me well past them.”  Bri takes a break, hating to say the next words, but knowing she can’t stop.   “I should have left the first time he raped me, but the lines between submission and abuse were so fuzzy for me at first.  He said all of the right words to keep me confused. ‘You told me you like to submit, so you’ll submit.’  Or my all-time favorite - ‘subs have no right to say no… ever.’”

“The fucker.  I thought I was pissed at him yesterday.  Today, I think I’m going to kill him. Did Markus know about him?”

“Yes, he knew.  By the time I finally left Jake, he’d pretty much beaten me within an inch of my life more than once, all in the name of punishment mind you.  I think the worst thing I ever did to deserve a punishment was forget to pick up his dry cleaning before one of his business trips.  I left him for a couple months after that session. But then he came around with a big bouquet of roses, begging for another chance just before Valentine’s Day.  He was always so apologetic, swearing he’d learned his lesson and that he would never let his anger get the most of him ever again.   That time he booked us a weekend away at a bed and breakfast to prove he could be as romantic as the next guy.  Like a fool, I went away with him.”

Bri stops the story here.  Her eyes are closed again and Lukus can’t help but notice that she is visibly shaking. “Is the water getting too cold?  You’re shivering.”

Her eyes remain closed as if to shut out her memories. “The water is fine.  I was just deciding how much I was going to tell you.  I made the mistake of telling Markus everything and I think it’s a big part of what went wrong between us.”

“Sweetheart, you need to tell me what you told Markus.  I need to know where his head is at right now.”

Brianna turns to gaze into the eyes of her husband’s best friend.  “Why do you call me sweetheart?”

Her question seems to catch Lukus by surprise. “I don’t know.  I guess at first I was using it to get your attention.  Now… it sort of just fits.  Does it bother you?”

“It should… but oddly it doesn’t.” She gives him a pained smile.  “It’s just that Markus calls me sweetheart, too.”

Their eyes are locked.  The energy in the room is shifting.  Lukus forces himself to look away.  “I think you’re stalling.”  Reaching into the water, Lukus lifts her left leg and begins to lather her with the soapy bath sponge.  “Back to your story.”

Brianna looks away from Lukus, her mind wandering back to the weekend that would forever change her life. “I should have known when we arrived at the remote cabin in the woods that something was wrong.  Jake made out that he just wanted us to have a romantic getaway all alone.  But what he really wanted was to get me miles away from civilization so no one could hear me screaming.  We weren’t in the cabin ten minutes before he had me stripped naked and tied down.  There was nothing romantic about it.  The sole purpose of the weekend was for him to beat me until I promised never to leave him again.  I’ve blocked out a lot of the details. I only remember that he used every punishment implement he owned on me.  He only took breaks from beating me to get something to eat or rape me.  Before we left on the trip, he’d promised me he would finally let me have a safe word, but of course the first time I tried to use it, he laughed and said no one knew my limits better than he did and that he’d only stop when he thought I’d had enough.”

Brianna turns her face back to Lukus. Tears that have pooled in her eyes are now spilling down her face. “Funny thing is that he never thought I’d had enough.  By the time he dropped me off at home on Sunday night my entire body was one huge bruise.  I had over two dozen open cuts or wounds.  I had rope burns, bruised ribs and it took over a month for my…”  Bri drops her eyes and takes a ragged breath before continuing.  “I was so torn from the rough sex that it took months to recover.  Tiffany begged me to call the police or to at least go to the hospital.  Looking back, of course I should have, but I was in shock.  It was the only time I ever got fired from a job, but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave our apartment for weeks.”

Lukus’ face contorts with rage.  He throws the sponge he’s been holding against the wall and clenches his fist.

“Lukus, calm down.  You’re scaring me.  The look on your face reminds me of the day I told Markus.  He was ready to kill Jake too.”

It’s clear that Lukus is on the verge of losing control.  Brianna is completely unprepared when he reaches out and roughly grabs her arms, jerking her forward until their faces are only inches apart.  Despite how close they are, he’s screaming at her. 

“Are you shitting me?  It’s not Jake I’m ready to kill right now.   What the hell were you thinking, going anywhere with him ever again?  The bastard should be in jail.  It’s bad enough that he hurt you in the past, but Jesus fucking Christ, Brianna! How stupid are you that you actually let him near you ever again?  He could have really hurt you … or even worse.  No wonder Markus is crushed.  You didn’t just cheat on him.  You cheated on him with a sadistic fucking rapist! How do you think that makes Markus feel?  You might as well have castrated him.  It couldn’t have hurt him any worse.”

His words hit home.  Brianna is shattered.  She’d been so selfishly worried about her own predicament she’d truly never stopped to look at this through Markus’ eyes. He’s given up his dominant side just to prove to Brianna that he was nothing like the man who abused her. That she would cheat on him with that very man is the ultimate slap in the face.

‘
No wonder he wants a divorce. He must hate me.
’ 

Her tears are back as Lukus continues to stare her down with his rage filled green eyes.   “Don’t you dare even try to use your tears on me again, Brianna.  I’m so fucking angry with you right now that it’s taking every ounce of my self-control to stop from dragging your ass out of this tub and paddling you until you can’t sit down for a week.  The only thing stopping me is I refuse to do anything close to what that prick Jake would do in this situation.  It makes me sick that I might ever be put into the same category as an asshole like him.”

“I’m so sorry, Lukus.  Truly, I know how stupid I was.  I’ve messed this up so bad.  I should have listened to Tiffany.  She begged me not to go.  She’s so angry with me too, just like you are.   Oh, God.  I didn’t even think about that.  She’s going to kill me now that Markus found out.  She was so furious she had to lie for me.  Oh, God.  He really is going to divorce me, isn’t he?  I’m going to lose Markus and Tiffany both.”  

Brianna let’s her sobs consume her as the guilt of her betrayal of the two most important people in her life threatens to drown her.

‘I have no one to blame but myself.  I had it all and I threw it all away.  Please, God, let them forgive me.’

Lukus is torn as he watches Brianna melt down before his eyes. Part of him wants to kill her himself for being so stupid.  The other part wants to hold her and tell her everything’s going to be okay.

‘
I’m so fucked
.’

As she continues to cry inconsolably, he knows he needs to take control.  It’s time Brianna starts to understand what being a submissive is really all about.

“That’s it,” he says. “I'm doing you no favors by letting you get away with this. Stop crying... right now."

Lukus roughly pulls Bri closer, completely oblivious to the water drenching him and sloshing to the floor.
  His grip is tight on her upper arms. His eyes are hard, consuming her, yet he manages to wait patiently for her to calm down enough to listen.  It takes Bri several minutes to catch her breath, but Lukus' dominant strength bolsters her. When she’s finally still, he speaks.

“You’re going to listen to me, and more importantly, you're going to believe every word I say.  Do you hear me, little girl?" When she doesn't answer, he grabs her long hair and yanks her closer, their faces only inches apart.
  "Answer me.  Are you listening?"

"Yes." It's barely a whisper.

"First, you have never and I mean this…
never
… been in a BDSM relationship. You were in an abusive relationship.  That asshole was not a Dom; he was a criminal - a bully who took advantage of your extraordinary high tolerance for pain to terrorize you for his own enjoyment." 

His eyes are boring into hers as if to burn his words into her brain but he needs to know she’s gotten the message. "Tell me you understand what I just told you, Bri."

When she continues to stare at him blankly, he gently shakes her and when that fails, he pushes her forward over the edge of the tub, exposing her wet ass.  Lukus wastes no time in swatting her butt with his open hand a dozen times. When he pulls her back to his arms, he sees the fire flashing in her eyes and knows he has her full attention.

"Let's try this again, sweetheart. Have you ever been in a D/s relationship?"

"It's just words, Lukus... a label.  What difference does it make?"

He answers her by roughly returning her to the edge of the tub to deliver another dozen swats.
  This time when he pulls her up close, he sees fresh tears in her eyes.

‘
Shit, I want to hold her so bad it hurts.'

"Are you listening now?"

"Yes, you big jerk. Stop spanking me."

‘Damn her.’

It’s been so long since he’s had a woman with her spirit giving him shit back… and even longer since he
liked
it.  Lukus can’t hide his amused smile before continuing on.  “I’ll stop when I know you’re listening.  I’ve been a Dom my entire adult life.  I’ve made a career out of disciplining submissives.  I’ve certainly made most of them cry and even sometimes scream, but never… and I do mean never, have I truly hurt anyone.  Everyone had a safe word and everyone wanted it, needed it.  They knew exactly what they were signing up for before…”

As Lukus
’ words trail off, it’s so easy for Brianna to know where his thoughts have gone. The guilt is plastered all over his handsome face.

“Everyone except me.  That’s why you stopped today, isn’t it?”

Lukus doesn’t even try to hide his guilt.  “Yes, and I’m sorry.  It would kill me if you ever thought of me like Jake.  If you thought I could hurt you like he did.”   He suddenly feels so defenseless, like a little boy looking for absolution.  

To his relief, Brianna doesn’t look at all afraid.  “I can’t explain it, but in spite of all of the things you’ve done to me, I know I’m safe with you, Lukus.  I’ve been afraid, of course, but I saw you watching me today as if you were taking care of me.   I never… not one single minute… felt like Jake was taking care of me.”

“I wish…”  He lets the words die away.

‘
Shut the fuck up, dip-shit.  You’re about to cross the line.’

Brianna picks up his sentence.  “I wish I knew what I could do to make this up to Markus.  Oh God, Lukus.  He’s never going to forgive me.  He’s going to divorce me.”   Her panic has returned and she is crying again. 

The Dom has left the building.  Lukus feels totally vulnerable, an emotion he hasn’t felt in… well almost never.  This woman before him is stripping him bare.  It’s as if she’s a drug to him and as hard as he tries to resist, the craving to hold her is all consuming.

Lukus doesn’t stop Bri when she closes the last inches between them to lay her head on his chest, letting her broken-hearted sobs wrack her.   At first he restrains himself from comforting her, but when she starts to hyperventilate, he reaches into the water to lift her wet, soapy body against his already wet chest. 

“Let’s get you dried off,” he says, helping her to standing, and reaches for a fluffy towel.

Brianna compliantly allows him to towel her off and doesn’t resist as he lifts her up to carry her to the bedroom. When he lays her down, he waits for her crying to subside. But it only gets worse. She’s hyperventilating now.

He knows it’s a mistake even as he’s doing it, but he can’t stop himself. He wants to hold her. Removing his wet t-shirt, he lays down beside her, coaxing Brianna from her balled up position as he takes her into his arms.  She rests her head against his chest, wrapping her left arm and leg across his body. She’s holding onto him for dear life, and he holds her in return, gently stroking her damp hair, slowly caressing her back, her arms… comforting her with whispers.

“Sssh. It’s going to be OK.”   He waits for her to cry it out, knowing that as soon as she’s done with her meltdown, things are going to be a lot more complicated for the both of them.

He’s long ago blown past his ethical line and he knows it but he can’t bring himself to let her go. Brianna’s body is curled up against his, seeking his comfort, his protection.  It’s too damn much and yet it’s not enough.  Never before has the desire to have it all hit him so hard.   He wants this woman so badly his heart is actually aching.  He wants to consume her, own her… punish her for being stupid, kiss her until she’s happy again, fuck her until she screams with pleasure.  But he knows he can’t have those things and still look at himself in the mirror. 

‘
She belongs to Markus.’

Brianna makes the first move to pull away from him, aware of the dangerous line they’ve already crossed.  When he holds her tightly to him, she starts to panic and finally lifts her head to look up into his eyes.  She recognizes the almost feral look of desire she sees there.  She should be afraid, but she knows the desire in his eyes is mirrored in her own.   Time stands still; they’re both holding their breath, neither wanting to be the one to push away.

Lukus turns his brain off and lets instinct take over.  He quickly rolls over, trapping Brianna’s body flat beneath him. He places his elbows and forearms on either side of her damp head. Their faces are only inches apart. He can feel her thick silky hair running through his fingers.  The feel of her bare breasts under his hard chest is like an electric current welding them together.   She has to feel his hard erection pressing into her, gently grinding as if he were thrusting into her.  Only his jeans protect them from the madness of proceeding. 

The power of his control is intoxicating Brianna. He sees the desire in her eyes, desire for him, desire for his domination.  It’s a toss-up whose breath is more labored, whose heart is racing the fastest.  

‘
I have to taste her.  Just one taste
.’ 

Lukus moves in slow motion, subconsciously giving her time to stop him if she wants to.  He first lowers his forehead to her forehead, making yet another intimate connection as he slowly begins to close the final few inches that separate their lips, stopping just a fraction before they physically touch. He can smell the minty toothpaste she used just minutes ago.  He’s struck by a deep need to know if she wants him too.  If she wants this to happen, she’s going to have to go the last centimeter.  

He doesn’t have to wait long. Brianna wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him down until their lips meet. As Lukus captures her mouth in a possessive kiss, he can feel Bri opening her legs invitingly despite the layer of clothes still separating them.  He’s both thrilled and surprised as he feels her thrusting her hips up to meet his own grinding cock.

Then Brianna abruptly ends the kiss, turning her head to the side so Lukus is forced to move his empty lips to the sensitive crook of her now exposed neck.  He starts to suck her tender skin hard, overcome with the desire to mark her as his own.  Brianna shudders from the pleasure rippling through her as he sucks and nibbles.

Only her crying out his name finally brings him to his senses.  “Lukus… please… stop.  We can’t do this.  I know it’s hard, but we need to stop. We can’t do this to Markus.  I’m begging you.  Please… stop.”

With great effort Lukus rolls away from Brianna, landing on his back.  His breath is still labored as he throws his forearm over his eyes, too ashamed of himself to even look at her.

‘Thank God she was strong enough to stop us.’

They lay silently next to each other for several minutes, each lost in thought.  Lukus is the first to speak. “You never told me why the hell you went with Jake yesterday.  You have to make me understand.  If I can’t understand, Markus never will.”

“Seriously? That’s what you want to talk about right now? After… well…” Bri’s voice wavers.

“There’s nothing to talk about.  You belong to Markus.  I was stupid.  It won’t happen again.  Now tell me.”

Brianna seems confused; he’s seemingly ignoring what had almost happened between them but since he’s demanded an answer she continues.

“After the cabin, I was so fucked up that I needed to learn to trust men all over again. I told Markus about Jake right after we started dating. There was no way I could hide it. I was afraid he’d see me as damaged goods, but he was so understanding.   He was exactly what I needed at the time. So sweet. So gentle.  So loving.  He helped me recover and truly, I love everything about him.  He is wonderful to me.  It’s just…” She stops and sighs.

“It’s just that after you recovered, you started to miss the D/s lifestyle.   After watching you respond to punishments and knowing you can hit sub-space faster than anyone else I’ve ever been with, I can only imagine how much you started to miss being dominated.  That was the one thing that Markus wasn’t giving you.  It’s starting to make more sense now.   I never understood how Markus could just walk away from the lifestyle.  He’s a charter member of the club.  He and Georgie came here often.  Then the next thing I know he divorces Georgie, meets you and decides to go all Mr. Rogers on me.  He never told me he’d changed because of something that had happened to you.”

“Are you saying that Markus was a Dom just like you and he threw it away to be with me?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.  He wouldn’t even introduce you to me for fear you might figure it out.  At the time, I thought he was just ashamed of me or something.  Now I realize he was trying to protect you from getting hurt again.”

“He hid it well,” Brianna says sadly. “He was always in complete control in the courtroom it was so easy for me to see him being in control at home too. But he turned it off as soon as he walked in the door. He just wanted me to feel safe and loved.  I just don’t understand how he could turn his back on such a big part of who he is.”

Lukus finally removes his arm from over his eyes and rolls to his side, resting his head in his hand to hover over Brianna.  She can see warmth in his eyes as he finally answers her question. “It’s easy.  He loves you more than he loves himself.” 

Brianna’s breath catches.  She finally asks the question at the heart of things.  “Is he ever going to be able to forgive me?”

Lukus considers her question.  “I honestly don’t know, sweetheart.  You really ripped his heart out and handed it to him on a platter.  I’ve known him for a long time, but I don’t know how this is going to play out.”

“Will you please talk to him for me?  Try to explain it to him?  I know he won’t listen to me, but maybe he’ll listen to you.”

“What makes you think I even want to help you sort this out with him?  You made your bed.  Maybe part of your punishment is to let you lay in it now.”

“I don’t believe you.  You can’t fool me, Lukus.  You care about Markus and I think you care about me.  Please… won’t you at least try?”

It takes him a minute to reply. “I think I’m fucked.”

Brianna rewards him with a killer smile that makes him know for a fact that he’s fucked.  

‘
Maybe
my
new nickname should be Mr. Rogers.’

Deciding its time to reassert himself, Lukus rolls over to the edge of the bed and reaches into his nightstand to withdraw a length of rope. He feels a pang of regret at the excitement he sees in Brianna’s eyes.  On a different day, with a different woman, he could have had so much fun.  But not today.

“What is that for?” she asks warily.

“I have a few errands to run and there’s no way I’m going let you have free rein over my loft.  I should be locking you in the stockade down in the dungeon right about now and then lighting up your ass again with my belt.”  He smiles a wry smile. “Instead, I’ve decided that tying you down here to take a nap while I’m gone is going to have to be good enough.”