Vicious Cycle (21 page)

Emily bent over her. “Why?”

“For bringing me here. Why can’t you leave me alone?”

“We brought you back because you were about to die.”

“I wanted to die. That was the point!”

Barbara let out a long sigh and shot a sorrowful look at Emily. Then she leaned down over Jordan, coaxing the blanket down so they could see her face. “Jordan, you don’t have to die,” Barbara said softly. “You just have to work hard for a few months to get this drug out of your head.”

A vein on Jordan’s forehead bulged. “It’s not in my head. It’s in my soul … what’s left of it.”

Emily wanted to tell her that Jesus had died to redeem her soul, but Jordan was in no condition to hear it. It would only sound churchy. “Jordan, your soul can recover.”

Jordan turned away from Emily onto her side and pulled her knees toward her chest.

Barbara stroked her back. “Honey, you’ve had a hard life, and it’s no surprise that you’re addicted. Blame whoever you want for that. But from this moment on, what you
choose is in your hands, not your mother’s, and not anybody else’s. You can choose to have a healthy, happy life.”

“Only way I can do that is with dope.”

“No. It doesn’t have to be a choice between drugs and death. Life is a choice you can make too, Jordan.”

“Your baby is in there getting better,” Emily said, “and somebody is gonna take her home from the hospital. If you don’t sign the adoption papers, the wrong people are going to get her.” Emily’s voice had an impatient edge, though she did her best to constrain it.

“You think I don’t know that?”

“If you’ve changed your mind about Madeline and Ben, that’s one thing,” Emily said. “If not, then sign the stupid papers and move on with your life. If you want to go down the toilet, then that’s your choice. But at least your baby won’t go with you.”

Barbara speared Emily with a chastising look that told her to go easier on the girl.

But Emily didn’t feel like pulling any punches. “Jordan, I know what you’re going through. I understand. I almost relapsed myself when I found you. But both of us have to make the right choices, because if we don’t, there won’t be many chances left!”

“I didn’t choose this!” Jordan yelled. “You grew up in your nice, cushy home, with a mother who loves you and puts you first. You don’t know what it’s like to have a mom who’s been using since before you could talk, who puts everything before you, even her boyfriends. If anybody,
anybody,
offers to give her drug money, she doesn’t care who or what she has to sell.”

Emily was quiet for a moment. “Jordan, it’s up to you to decide what you want to be. A corpse discovered in a gutter somewhere, or a tweaker like your mother, who goes from
fix to fix, stepping on anyone in her way. Or, you could break the cycle and do better than your mother did. You could finish high school and go to college. Maybe meet a decent guy who doesn’t use. You could have a family and be a good mother.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Those things don’t happen to people like me. College … like I’m going to get into Harvard or something. I’d be lucky to finish high school.”

“I’m going to college. If I can do it, you can.”

“You have a mom to pay for it.”

“Don’t even start, Jordan. I had to apply for grants and student loans, because my mom can’t afford to pay my tuition. You could get the same financial aid I do — probably even more. But you’re only fifteen. It’s not too late to go back to high school.”

“It’s too hard.”

“Give me a break!” Emily cried. “Rolling around in a dope house is hard! Scraping up money for a hit—that’s hard.”

Jordan grew quiet, staring through tears into the distance, as if trying to picture it.

Emily lowered her voice and sat on the edge of the bed. “Jordan, I want to help you, but I’m having enough trouble of my own. I want to stay your friend. But unless you go back to treatment, I can’t. I’m drowning, myself. It’s all I can do to keep my own head above water. Don’t you want to get better?”

“I do,” Jordan said. “I hate this! I don’t want to always be fiending for drugs and doing stupid stuff to get them. I hate that I had a baby and couldn’t even protect her. She could have died. I was high …”

“Then change,” Emily said. “I found out today that we
can’t do it by ourselves. All the stuff they told us at New Day, it was true. We need God to help us do this, and He will.”

“He won’t listen to me!”

Emily’s throat grew tight, and her heart slammed against her chest. “Yes, He will,” she said through gritted teeth. “He promised to give us an escape if we ask for it. I tested it today, and it’s true. But Jordan, if you don’t choose to do the right thing, then you’re one of those people I have to escape from.” She slid off the bed and grabbed her purse.

“Go then. Everybody else abandons me.”

“No, you don’t. You’re not gonna put a guilt trip on me.” Emily looked wearily up at her mother. “Mom, I have to go.”

As she headed for the door, her mother grabbed her arm. “Honey, where are you going?”

“I’ve had enough,” she said. “I have to get out of here.” She opened the door and saw Kent coming up the hall toward them.

“Everything all right?” he asked as he reached them.

Barbara put her arm around Emily. “I’ll stay here for a while. But Emily needs to go home.”

Kent gave her a weak smile. “I can take you home.”

“No, that’s okay,” Emily said. “I have my car outside.” She glanced back at Jordan. She’d turned back toward the window.

“Honey, I’ll be home soon,” Barbara whispered.

Emily headed toward the elevator, aware that Kent was on her heels. The doors opened, and she stepped in. He stepped in after her. They both looked straight ahead as the doors closed.

“You okay?” he asked.

She wiped her face and kept her gaze fixed on the buttons. “Yeah, fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.” What did he want from her? Yes, she owed him for saving her life. He was a good person, and her mother really liked him. But she didn’t know him that well, and she wasn’t in the mood to pour her heart out to him.

“Can I buy you a soda?” he asked. “Coffee?”

She sighed. He wasn’t going to drop it. Besides, her mouth felt dry as gravel. “I guess.”

The elevator stopped at the first floor, and he stepped off and headed for the cafeteria. Emily followed grudgingly.

She suddenly felt so tired. Just yesterday she’d had so much exuberant energy and had been excited about all the things she would do when she got out. Then Jordan had to go and mess everything up. Now Emily almost wished she was back within the safe walls of New Day.

In the cafeteria, Kent asked, “What do you want?”

“I’ll get it.” She got herself a Coke, something they didn’t have at New Day. It was a rare treat. He paid for it, then nodded toward a table.

“So what’s going on?” he asked, taking the seat across from her.

She sighed. “With what?”

“With Jordan. You seem really upset.”

“I’m just mad at her, that’s all. To see her being so stupid. Why would she choose what she has over New Day? It makes me sick.”

He stared at her for a moment, and she knew she wasn’t fooling him. “Emily, tell me about the place where you found her.”

“I’m sure Lance told you plenty. Don’t worry. I confessed everything to Mom.” She sipped on the drink, felt the carbonation burning her tongue. “Look, I know you mean well, and you’ve been a big help to my mom.”

“But stay out of your life?”

She looked away. “I didn’t say that.”

“You meant it. But that’s okay.”

She rubbed her temples. “No, I didn’t. Really, I didn’t. I don’t want you out of it. I just …”

“You just don’t want me quite so involved?”

“I don’t want you questioning me like I’m a criminal.”

He blew out a breath. “Wow. I sure didn’t intend to do that.” He folded his arms on the table. “The fact is, I’m so proud of you I can’t stand it. I know things are difficult for you right now. Your mom has tried real hard to keep things the same for you, so that when you got out you’d be able to pick back up on the good stuff and maybe find it easier to leave the bad stuff from your past alone.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not gonna be that easy.”

“I know. But you’ve got a good start.”

“Except for the dope house.” She looked down at a spot on the table. “I didn’t think that would be so hard for me. I didn’t think they’d be so aggressive … or that I’d react like that.”

“When the dealer put the rocks in your pocket?”

Yes, Lance had told him everything. “If it weren’t for my brother I don’t know what I would have done.”

“And it’s still calling to you, isn’t it?”

She thought of lying, but he’d never believe her. “Yeah … only now it’s not like a lover … it’s like an enemy luring me over the line. I don’t see it as all beauty anymore. I know it’s a monster, and I don’t want to be won over. But there’s still this part of me …”

“You’ll grow stronger.”

She hoped it was true. She pressed the corners of her eyes. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. “Mom’s really been having a hard time. Financially, I mean.”

“Yeah, she has.”

“She lost her business because of me.”

“Not because of you. Because of the economy.”

“Yeah, but she could have saved her business if she’d gotten that governor’s mansion job. But she couldn’t get her proposal finished because she had to come looking for me.”

“It wasn’t like you chose to get kidnapped.”

“I know … but if I’d never started doing the stuff I was doing, then so many horrible things wouldn’t have happened.”

Kent rubbed his chin. “Well, God has a way of using everything. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have met your mom, and I’d still be thinking that God didn’t care anything about me. That He didn’t even know my name.”

She met his eyes directly for the first time. “Really?”

“Really. I was somewhere between an agnostic and an atheist. And then I met your mom, and realized that maybe God does care about me after all.” He sipped his coffee, set the cup down. “For the past year, I’ve been going to church, doing Bible studies, meeting with a group of Christian men. And I’ve learned that Christ has funny ways of sweeping up the crumbs of our lives and making them into huge feasts.”

She whispered a laugh. “I sure hope He can do that for me.”

“He’s already doing it.” Kent smiled. “Listen, Emily. I don’t expect you to be crazy about me from the get-go. But if we could just be friends because we have something in common, it would help us both.”

“What do we have in common?”

“We’re both big fans of your mom.”

Her smile faded. “Guess Mom deserves a fan club, huh?”

“Yes, she does.”

Okay. Maybe she’d give him a break. They were on the same team, after all.

I
don’t blame her for being mad,” Jordan said. “But she didn’t have to come after me.”

Upstairs, Barbara tried to comfort Jordan before leaving the hospital, but Emily’s angry departure had only upset her more.

Barbara sat on the edge of her bed. “Jordan, for some reason, God tangled you up with my family,” “We can’t go after every addict we know every time they use and demand they get help. But Emily’s right. There’s a baby involved here.”

“So if it weren’t for the baby, you would have let me die?”

Her brooding, narcissistic question cut through Barbara’s heart. “Jordan, we came after you because we care about you. It’s not too late for you to start over. Ultimately, you’ll make the decision whether to destroy yourself or not.
But first you have a responsibility to make sure Grace will go to the right home. Paperwork has to be signed.”

“Okay,” she said, reaching for a tissue. “Go get Ben and Madeline.” When Barbara hesitated, Jordan said, “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna run for it again.” She blew her nose. “You’re right. If I don’t sign the papers, my brother will make sure those people get the baby.”

“But, Jordan, this has to be final. I don’t want to see Madeline and Ben jerked around.”

“I know. Or Grace either. I’ll sign.”

Relief washed over Barbara. “I’ll call them.” She flicked through her cell phone’s contact list to the number she’d plugged in earlier.

Madeline answered on the first ring. “Hello?”

“Madeline, Jordan is here at the hospital and she’s all right.”

“Oh, thank you, God.”

Barbara’s eyes stung with tears. “She wants you to come and bring the papers. Can you come?”

“I’ll call Ben. He’s ten minutes away. And even though it’s late, I’ll see if someone from Loving Arms can come with the papers.”

It seemed like only a few minutes later when Madeline blew into the room. Jordan cringed as she faced her. “I’m sorry I ran,” she said. “It wasn’t about you. Really.”

“I know.” Madeline went to the bed and touched Jordan’s hand. “Are you all right?”

Jordan ignored the question. “I want to sign the papers,” she said. “I want Grace to be yours.”

Madeline hugged her. “I just called Ben. He and the Loving Arms people are on their way.”

“Good.”

“But I want you to be all right.”

Jordan squeezed her eyes shut. “Do you think … there will ever be a day when I’ll have a real family, and children that I can keep and take care of?”

“I’m sure of it, honey,” Madeline whispered.

“I want that,” Jordan said. “But it can’t be now.”

Barbara watched as Madeline held Jordan, letting her cry against her shoulder. When Ben and the representative from Loving Arms arrived, she called Kent and he came back up and joined them. Jordan’s sorrow slowly lifted. With nervous laughter and excitement, they presented her the papers to sign. Barbara and Kent acted as witnesses after Madeline and Ben had signed.

It was done. Grace had a home where she could go as soon as she was released, and when Jordan was strong enough, she could check back into New Day. For the next year of her life she would have a safe place of refuge. All she had to do was learn how to want it.

B
y the next morning, Jordan supposed it was a blessing that they were treating her physical injuries rather than her mental ones. If they’d called her incident a suicide attempt, she’d be in the psych ward, and if they’d called it an overdose, she’d be sent to detox. Instead, they attributed her behavior to postpartum depression and let her stay on the maternity floor. No one was monitoring her. She could leave anytime. She could go back to the dope house if she wanted to.