Very Bad Things (28 page)

“I
can’t forget the words you’ve never said.”

–
Nora
Blakely

DREW HAD BEEN on his way over when
Sebastian called me, so before I’d gone to the gym, I’d texted Drew and told
him what was going on. He was standing at the shop’s door as I walked up.

“He’s drunk,” I said shakily.

“What happened over there? Did he hurt you?” he scowled.

I swallowed. “No, nothing like that. He told me—no, he
ordered me to get out. He didn’t want me around,” I said, not meeting his eyes.

He narrowed his eyes at me and then sighed, like he was sad.
“Shit, Leo’s the one you want?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off.

“No, wait, let me say this. When something hurts this bad,
Nora, you need to fucking let it go. Let him go.”

“I know. I’m trying,” I whispered.

“And I’m
not
giving up on us. I want you as mine,” he
said, walking over to me. He tipped my face up to look at him.

The air thickened with tension, and I sensed somehow things
had suddenly changed between us. “Why?” I whispered.

He pulled me against him. “Because I see who you are now.
And I’d walk over hot coals to make you love me,” he said, lowering his head.
He kissed me hard and deep and for the first time since we’d gotten
reacquainted, I felt real heat bloom inside me.

He murmured my name and tugged me closer, his hands pressing
on the small of my back until I could feel his erection. I rubbed myself
against him, making him groan.

“Fuck. Are you ready to take us further, Nora?” he
whispered, kissing my neck.

“Yes.”

“I’m dying to make love to you again,” he said into my
shoulder, his lips going lower and lower.

“Yes, soon,” I promised as I pulled his face up to me and
gazed into his hazel eyes, liking what I saw. In the past few weeks, we’d grown
close and although I hadn’t told him about Finn, I had considered it. The
thought of one more person knowing terrified me, but I had to learn to be true
to myself. If he cared about me, then my past wouldn’t matter.

He grinned his crooked smile and picked me up and swung me
around until I squealed. When he sat me down, we were both breathless.

“Kiss me again,” I said.

Like a kite string that’s been broken by a strong, sudden
wind, I felt the tenuous hold I’d been keeping for Leo in my heart finally
snap. He was gone, drifting away somewhere out there, destined to belong to
someone else.

A FEW NIGHTS later, I met Drew and
Sebastian and Mila at one of my favorite locally owned bookstores. It was
within walking distance from the shop, and with its regular signings and readings,
it was a hangout for college-age kids and hipsters. It had three levels, which
included a basement area that held out-of-date college textbooks and discounted
books. After we’d gotten a table and purchased some lattes from the café, we
settled in at table to read and people watch.

After a while, I headed downstairs to the less populated
basement to search out some interesting books. I’d just unearthed one about the
Victorian poets, when I heard steps behind me in the stacks. I turned,
expecting to see Drew, but it was Leo.

With a couple of books in his hand, he stood there frozen,
looking at me with a stunned expression on his face. He obviously hadn’t
expected to see me.

I glanced at him nervously. “Hey. Find anything good?”

He stared at me blankly.

“Leo?”

“Uh, yeah,” he said holding up two books, “found a bargain
on
Bob Dylan’s Lyrics
and another one on football in the 1970s. What
about you?”

“Still looking.” I peered around him, expecting to see the
meerkat scurrying around the corner any moment. “Where’s Tiffani?”

He stiffened and shrugged. “Where’s Drew?”

“Upstairs with Sebastian and Mila.”

He nodded. I nodded. We looked around the basement but not
at each other.

Crickets may have chirped.

“So . . .” I murmured.

“Uh . . .” he said at the same time.

We both tried to laugh.

I sighed. “Things are weird between us aren’t they?”

“I don’t want them to be.” He stared at his books. “Sorry
about Saturday. I never drink like that.”

“I know.”

He nodded.

“Are you happy with Tiffani?”

He dropped his eyes and when he didn’t speak, I smiled
regretfully.

“Are you happy with Drew?” he asked, moving close enough to
me that I could feel his heat. My breath whooshed out when he touched my hair,
rubbing it between his fingers. “Does he kiss you like I did?”

Anger rose in me. “Yes. In fact, I think he’d like to thank
you for telling me to leave you alone.”

He closed his eyes, and I think he looked like he was
hurting. Then he stared at me like I was his manna from heaven, and I wanted
him so bad right then, that if he said he wanted me, I would throw caution to
the wind—but instead I heard, “Okay. I guess that’s good then.”

“Yes, it is,” I said after a bit, struggling to get the
words out.

“Nora, I’ve been wanting to say something to you about what
you told me, and there hasn’t been a time when we’ve been alone. I know I was
too late to protect you from Finn, but if Drew, or anyone for that matter,
ever
hurts you . . .” he paused. “Tell me, and they’ll never fucking
walk again.”

“Drew won’t hurt me.”

He took a deep breath. “Just let me be there for you, okay?
Please. If you ever need me.”

I nodded.

“I got one last request, and I’ll never ask again.”

“What?” I croaked out.

He set his books on a shelf and then took mine and set them
beside his. He tugged me to him until our chests were touching.

“What are you doing?” I mumbled in confusion.

He put his hands on either side of my face and slid them
into my hair, letting out a breath as if in relief. “Just saying goodbye,
Nora.”

“You’re going to kiss me?” I asked, tears pricking my eyes
at the sadness in his face.

“Please, just this last time, Buttercup,” he said.

And with that one word, I was his.

He lowered his head, his gaze holding me captive. When our
lips touched, his heated eyes stayed open and mine did, too. My mouth melted
into his, moaning as his hot tongue explored the details of my tongue, my
teeth, my lips. We started slow but it escalated rapidly, the passion between
us burning higher and higher. He closed his eyes, shifting his body to press
more firmly into me, gripping my hair as if he were afraid I’d try to get away.
He owned me with his mouth, making me all his, and I was lost.

I tightened my arms around his waist, grinding myself
against him. He hissed at the increased pressure and pushed me back against the
sturdy bookshelf, picking me up and positioning me so his hips fit into my
pelvis. He held me in place, rocking into me. Gasping at the feel of him, I
lifted one of my legs, and he caught it and wrapped it around him. I clutched
his ass and pulled him against me, my passion for him expanding, growing bigger
and bigger as the room got hotter.

“Say my name,” he muttered gruffly as I sucked hard at his
neck and then licked it. He grunted, and I dug my nails into his back as I
kissed my way around his collarbone, sucking another spot.

“Say it, Nora. S
ay
it
,” he ordered me
hoarsely, and more heat rushed to my center at his demand.

“Leo, Leo, Leo,” I pleaded, arching my back and pushing into
him.

He shuddered. “Fucking love that,” he whispered and then
placed his lips back on mine, dominating my mouth, like a man starved. All I
could think about was him, him, him . . . his lips, his tongue, his taste, his
butterscotch smell. I wanted all of him, and I’d never have him, and that
thought made me frantic. I gripped him tighter, pushed my nails deeper, and
kissed him harder. I never wanted his mouth to leave mine, not even for those
little sweet kisses. I never wanted my tongue separated from his. I never
wanted this moment to end.

“Want you so much. I’ve dreamed about making love to you a
thousand times,” he whispered out, and the anguish I heard in his voice
terrified me.

Leo!
I loved him. Would it make a difference if I
told him so? Would he suddenly give us a chance? I didn’t know the answers, but
I knew this was everything; this was gut-wrenching love.

“Make me come, Leo,” I said desperately. He groaned and
slipped his hand under my dress and shoved my panties to the side. Pushing his
finger deep inside me, he kissed my neck feverishly as I trembled and tried to
move underneath him, needing more. He pumped me fast, moving his fingers
around, grinding me with little circles.

“Fuck, you’re wet,” he groaned into my ear, biting down on
it.

His lips came back to my mouth, his tongue dueling with
mine. “Come for me, baby.”

Heat gathered in my spine, in my legs, and in my core, and I
panted out his name as I came, my body clenching his fingers, the waves hitting
me and hitting me, feeling like nothing I’d ever had before.

“Leo,” I said weakly, gazing into his eyes.

He looked wrecked.

He tightened his arms around me and opened his mouth to say
something, but the sound of approaching footsteps startled us. He reluctantly
pulled away from me, and I slid down. We straightened our clothes.

An older couple walked by, glancing at us and smiling as
they passed our aisle.

He rubbed his jaw. We stared at each other, and I
saw
the bleakness in his expression. I shook my head, feeling the finality of it in
my bones. I wanted to howl; I wanted to scream.
No, no, no
. I could
never say goodbye to him forever. Not yet and not here in this dusty room of
old books.

Why didn’t he love me, too?

Why did they call it heartbreak, when it felt like my entire
body was dying?

“Please, don’t be sad,” he said brokenly, looking as sick as
I felt.

This is hell
,
I thought,
living my life
without my soulmate
.

I closed my eyes to block out his face, the pain tearing
into me so brutally I knew I’d never completely be over him. I’d given him my
heart, and he’d given right back. I reached out and ran my fingers around his swollen
lips. He kissed them lovingly.

“Maybe in the next life,” I whispered to him and walked back
upstairs to Drew.

“As
soon as forever is gone,

I’ll
be over you.”

–
Nora
Blakely

WHEN I WOKE up the next day, I
didn’t realize it would be one of the worst days of my life. As I drove to
school, it seemed like a normal October morning, except it was a tad chilly for
Texas. The weatherman had predicted a low of forty degrees tonight, plus a big
meteor shower was supposed to streak through the sky around midnight. Strange
things were brewing.

Drew and I made plans to hang out on the roof of the shop to
watch, and after much thought, I’d also decided tonight was the night for us,
the night I’d give myself to him.

After school, I’d gone to work at the gym and it was the
usual: clients signing in, answering membership questions, handing out towels,
and typing in the computer.

Practice was the same; Leo staring and me trying to ignore.

Everything changed the moment I walked across the darkened
street to the shop, anxious to get inside and freshen up before Drew arrived.

I was headed straight to the front door, keys in hand, when
I glanced over and saw a figure leaning against my car which was parked in the
alley next to the shop. The street light was on the other side of the street,
so I couldn’t see him clearly, but I knew who it was. I smiled, put my keys in
my pocket, and walked toward him.

“Hey, you,” I said, tucking my hair behind my ears, knowing
I looked a sweaty mess from practice, but was flattered he couldn’t wait to see
me. “You’re not supposed to be here for another hour,” I chided.

“I’d wait forever for you, sis,” I heard him say as he
stepped out of the shadows and into the dim moonlight. He grinned. “You were
expecting someone else?”

My sheet music and purse slid to the ground as I stood
there, rooted in fear. I peered wildly around the street, but it was deserted.
No one was here to save me. My lungs burned for air, and I gasped out, forcing
myself to take a breath. The voice inside my head screamed and screamed, urging
me to run and hide, but I was immobile, not able to make my body obey the
simple command.

He staggered toward me until only a few feet separated us.
“Ah, don’t look like that. I’m not going to hurt you. It’s just . . . I told
you to call me, and you didn’t. What else did you think I would do?”

He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket and lit
one, his long fingers cupping the light so it didn’t blow out in the wind. And
still I couldn’t make my legs work.

“See, you forced me to come here. You did this,” he snapped,
his voice escalating at the end.

I blinked, the familiar tone of his voice grating over my
skin, making me shake, making me want to vomit. My muscles drew up, preparing
for his attack, for the cold, rough hands he’d use on my body. Blood rushed to
my head, and my heart pounded erratically. I bent over and grabbed my stomach,
fighting the panic attack I felt coming.

“Is that anyway to greet a brother?” he whined, whipping off
his leather jacket and tossing it to the ground at his feet. He kicked it out
of his path. I quaked inside at the action, my body begging for air,
concentrating on breathing evenly. God help me, I needed control. I had to be
able to fight back.

“Did you really think you could move out of our house? Get
away from her? You can’t,” he said, laughing a weird sound, like his insides
were all twisted up. “I moved to Houston, and I can’t. We’re both fucked up,
Nora. We need each other.” He unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled up the sleeves of
his designer shirt methodically, a resigned expression on his face. On his
forearm, I saw the jagged lines of his scar and remembered that horrible last
time when he’d picked the lock to my bedroom. How he’d slipped inside, humming
a little song under his breath, like he was fine, like he was
normal
,
like it was an everyday thing to want to hurt your sister.

“I told you and told you to call me, but you didn’t. I sent
you the pictures to show you that I don’t care anymore who knows. And you
didn’t answer me, Nora. Not one time. How much trouble is it to call me?” He
fiddled around in his trouser pockets and pulled out a length of rope. “Can’t
have you trying to cut me now, can I?” he smirked, slapping the rope against
his leg.

I stared at him numbly and fell to my knees, my legs useless
like wet noodles.

“This is her fault. She never loved us, but I’m going to
make us all better. Fix it so that she can’t mess with us anymore, make us into
animals.”

“I’m not an animal,” I managed to choke out. “I got away.
I’m not bad. I’m good, and I’ll be happy some day.”

He roared with jarring laughter, tossing his head back to
the dark sky. “Never knew you were such a jokester, sis,” he said darkly,
looking down at me, his brown eyes filled with emptiness.

I bowed my head and started praying.

“I’m going to take you far away from all this,” he said,
waving the rope in the air. “Where we can be a perfect family, just me and
you.”

“Where?” I wheezed out, recognizing the desolation on his
face for what it was. Hadn’t I been close to that point once? Hadn’t I dreamed
of ending it all?

He bent over, got in my face, and wagged his finger. “Ah,
such a curious little girl.”

I flinched at the stench of stale alcohol on his breath. I
licked my lips, bracing myself. “Why . . . why don’t you come closer so I can
give you a hug, brother,” I panted, my right hand reaching behind my back,
feeling for the dropped purse. “I . . . I missed you, too,” I said, my usually
nimble fingers thick with fear as I eased the strap closer and closer.

He kneeled down in front of me, a surprised but satisfied
smile on his gaunt face. He kissed my forehead tenderly. “I knew you’d see it
my way. We’re the only ones who can fix this,” he said, his hands caressing my
cheeks and then squeezing so hard that the strands of the rope ground into my
temple.

I felt a tear ease down my face . . . and I think I cried
not only for myself, but maybe for him, too. He was sick. He was my brother,
and at one point I’d loved him. He’s the person who’d told me my first
knock-knock joke and taught me how to swim. I closed my eyes, my head running
through a distant memory, one of Finn and me riding our bikes together through
Turtle Creek one Saturday afternoon. I’d gotten a flat that day, and he’d given
me his to ride while he trudged through hills and rocky trails to get my bike
home. But that brother was long gone, and I didn’t recognize the creature that
had taken his place.

Dimly, I heard a voice far away yelling my name and then a
rhythmic thumping sound. Someone was coming, but it was too late. This moment
had been written in stone from the time I’d seen him at the open house.

There was no turning back now.

Finn’s neck twitched to see who was coming. I reached in my
bag and then whipped my arm back around to the front, pushing the knife in,
watching the blood as it trickled down his throat. I remembered all the times I
had bled for him. He tensed and wanted to move, but I had him by the collar, my
hands tight, unwilling to release him.

“You won’t hurt me again,” I breathed out, oddly calm now.
“Just a millimeter more, Finn, and you’ll die right here.”

“Nora, put it down,” a soft voice said, pulling me back to
the world. I blinked over at a pale Leo who stood beside me, gazing at the
knife I had pressed to Finn’s jugular.

I shook my head. “No, I made up my mind.”

Leo came closer, holding his hands up. “Look, I’m calling
the police. Let them take care of him, Nora. Please.”

He reached in his jeans and pulled out his phone and dialed,
and I heard him murmuring as he talked to someone, but all I could hear were
Finn’s whimpers.

I turned back to Finn, watching as his mouth opened and
closed like a fish out of water. He swallowed. “Sis, we had something special—”

“Don’t,” I muttered in a thick voice, pushing the blade in a
hair more.

Leo spoke, his voice seeped in sadness. “Nora, please. If
you do this, you’ll never forgive yourself. Please, I’m begging you, let him
go. Come here to me. Let me hold you, Buttercup.”

And I wanted to let Leo hold me, really I did, but I was
scared, frightened of when Finn would come for me next. He wasn’t fixable. He
would only come back again and again, and I’d never be free. I was tired of
always looking behind me, remembering what he’d done to me. I was broken
because of him. Because of Mother.

If I killed him, would the pain go away? Would I have peace
inside myself? Maybe. I yearned for peace, to erase what happened to me.

I wondered if I gouged the knife in as far as it would go,
would there be any happy stories for me,
ever
? Could I live with taking
a life? My own brother’s? Yes. No. I couldn’t decide.

The eerie sound of police sirens reached my ears, and I
heard the knife clatter to the concrete as I let it go, the sound echoing in
the silence. I pushed Finn, and he grappled away from me, getting to his feet.
He reached up and wiped his dripping neck, glaring at me.

“Stupid, bitch,” he muttered, his cold eyes leveled at me.

Leo kicked the knife into the bushes and grabbed my arm,
practically dragging me away from Finn and out into the brighter street. “Stay
here,” he ordered, leaving me. He turned back to face Finn who’d stood nearby,
a dark grin on his face. He wasn’t done. He wasn’t leaving here without me.

I took his hand. “Leo, don’t you dare go over there.”

He shook me off, seeming to not hear. He rushed at Finn and
they collided, his fists targeting Finn’s face and stomach with tremendous
blows. He plummeted into him over and over, the sickening crunch of bone
reaching my ears. Finn cursed and fought back, hitting Leo in the jaw, making
his head snap back. Leo grunted and came right back and started in again, his
fists bloody.

“Stop!” I called out, fearing for Leo, afraid he’d kill
Finn. I couldn’t let him go to prison for what had happened to me. I ran back
over to them. They’d fallen to the concrete, both of them rolling and trying to
get on top of the other. Leo was huge and muscled and making vicious, solid
hits, but Finn was wiry and quick, somehow managing to avoid being pinned down
by Leo.

Finn caught a break and scrambled to his feet, laughing
crazily. He ran over to the bushes and reached inside, searching for the knife.
I screamed in denial and ran over to him, but Leo reached him first, jerking
him back by his shirttail.

Finn got away by coming out of his shirt, the buttons flying
as he pulled away from Leo. His swollen eyes rolled around wildly as the whine
of the sirens got louder. He shot me a menacing look, and I stiffened, ready
for his attack. But, he ran for his silver Porsche, which I now saw was parked
a few spots over from mine. Leo yelled out for him and jumped to his feet, but
it was too late. Finn squealed out onto the street, changing gears viciously as
he drove away into the night.

Leo ran over to me. His hands pushed the hair out of my
eyes, ghosting over the raw rope burn on my face. “Did he hurt you?” he asked
in a breathless rush, his blue eyes glittering as they scoured my face and
body.

I shook my head, not able to speak yet, still not believing
what had happened.

“I got you now,” he said, pulling me close to him, his big
body shuddering.

“You’re shivering,” I whispered out, my nose pressed against
his chest.

“Forget about me. I just need to hold you. Fuck, I thought I
was going to lose you. I thought he’d . . .” He groaned out,
sighing as he pressed his lips to mine gently. He pulled back and stared down
at me, his eyes brimming with unspoken emotion. “Nora, there’s something I need
to tell you. Something I should have said weeks ago—”

Drew’s Mazda pulled up to the shop, and Leo ripped his eyes
from mine and stared at Drew, who got out of his car carrying blankets and
pillows for our rooftop date. It felt like a lifetime ago when we’d made those
plans.