Authors: Mairi Wilson
“You threw me out, Lexy. I’ve told you. If you hadn’t made me leave, it wouldn’t have gone anywhere with Fizz. As it was—”
“As it
was
you were quite happy to believe you’d got her pregnant and play happy fam—”
“I most certainly wasn’t happy. I was just trying to do the right thing.”
“Oh, right. Only you. Only you would fall for the oldest trick in the book. Always the honourable man.”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
“How could you be so gullible? How? I mean surely you …”
“Lexy, does it matter? I’ve no idea. You know more about the gynaecology of it all than I do. What did you expect me to do, ask her for proof?”
“Yes!”
“I’d slept with her and she was pregnant and what else can I say? It doesn’t matter. It was all a huge mistake, anyway. I’m … I’m relieved.”
“But the child … your child. You wanted—”
“You’re such an idiot at times, Lexy. Yes, I wanted a child, I
want
a child, but not with Fizz. Never with her. With someone I love. With you.”
“Don’t you dare. No.” Lexy was finding it hard to string the words together, her enunciation becoming more deliberate as she struggled to say in control. “Danny’s dumped so he comes running back to me?”
“That’s not it.”
“It is. It’s very mushit from where I’m sitting. You can’t do that. You can’t betray me and then walk right back into my life and ’spect me to—”
“I don’t expect anything. I just want you to know I love you. That I’m here. And that I didn’t sodding lie—”
Lexy cut him off as she stood up, pushing over the little table, and stomped out, slamming the door behind her.
There was something satisfying about stomping along a pebble beach. The groan and crunch of the stones under her feet were like the screams she was screaming in her head, the blows she was aiming at imaginary punchbags. She was slowing now, though, her calves protesting at this unusual punishment. She stopped, hands on hips, breathing heavily, and looked back at the mountain towering above the beach, the hotel a Monopoly piece dropped from its board.
How dare he. How
dare
he. But already it was slipping away from her, her anger. What was she so angry about? The fact that Danny had slept with Fizz? The fact that he was a gullible idiot? The fact that he still loved her when she’d behaved like a first-class b—
Her phone, her
own
phone was beeping. She pulled it out of her pocket. Robert.
“Hello?”
“Lexy?”
“Yes. Robert—”
“She’s dead.”
Lexy sank down onto her knees on the unyielding pebbles, oblivious to pain.
“Lexy? Are you there?”
“I … Oh God, Robert, I’m so sorry.”
“So you bloody should be. You with your histrionics and making her drag up the past like that. She was in no state to go into theatre in the first place.”
“No! You can’t blame me for this. You’re the doctor. If she wasn’t up to it why did you let her—”
“And then the news about Helen, it was all too much.”
“But I thought the operation was straightforward—”
“It was, but she was too weak.
You
made her too weak. She couldn’t fight the infection and … and …” She could hear his voice crack, knew he was crying.
“Robert. I’m so very, very sorry.” Evie. Oh good God. Evie was dead. And Lexy had left in such a rush, let Robert hustle her out when she should have taken the time to say a proper goodbye, to wish the old woman well. Evie had helped her so much, and Lexy knew it couldn’t have been easy for her to trawl through the past like that. She’d never even told Evie how grateful she was. Hadn’t thanked her for telling her what she needed to know, probably would have been happier not knowing, but yes, needed to know. But it wasn’t just guilt Lexy felt, it was loss. Another thread connecting her to her mother’s life had been cut. And she knew, had she had the chance, Evie, her mother’s godmother after all, was someone she would have grown to like, even perhaps to love.
“You should never have come here, Lexy. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t been so determined to rake it all up. Well, I hope it’s worth it. I hope your new-found wealth, your precious family, are worth getting Helen killed for. And Gran …” She heard him choke, struggle for breath. “I hope you can live with that, Lexy.” The line went dead.
Lexy crumpled forward, curled into a ball, feeling the pebbles hard beneath her now, relishing the pain, no more than she deserved, as she started to cry.
Cold and aching, head thick and heavy now that the buzz and fire of the whisky had abated, Lexy trudged back up the path to the hotel. Relieved to find the door unlocked, she slipped in past the empty reception desk in the dark hall and up to her room. She shut the door softly behind her and slid down to sit on the floor.
She watched Danny sleeping, his chest rising and falling, its steady rhythm mesmerising, the soft murmur of his breath as soothing as a lullaby. Tears welled in her eyes, again. Now that she’d let the tears begin, she wasn’t sure they would ever stop. She knew Danny loved her. He’d proved that beyond any doubt over the last few days. The question was …
She shut off her thoughts, blinked and wiped away the tears. She stood and tiptoed over to the window, peeped out from the side of the chintz curtains to watch the dawn spread its green tinge across the blank canvas of an empty sky. She’d always loved sunset more than sunrise, but as she watched the clearer yellow of the morning sun push its way over the summit of the mountains in the distance she realised it was every bit as beautiful, the palette every bit as rich and complete as the hotter shades that heralded the coming night, every bit as exciting. Just different. Dawn and dusk, light and dark. Both had their place.
She looked back at Danny.
“Oh! You’re awake.” She wondered how long he’d been watching her, propped up on one elbow, his blond hair tousled and half covering his still unshaven face.
“What were you thinking about?”
“Do you have to ask?”
“Yes, Lex, I do. I’m not sure I know how to read your moods any more. Not sure I ever did.”
She nodded thoughtfully, then shrugged her shoulders, walked across to sit beside him on the bed. She took his free hand in hers.
“Danny, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fight, to say those things. It was the whisky … No, no that’s not true. It was … I needed to lash out … to hurt someone … which is awful and you were there and … but after everything you’ve done for me—”
“It’s okay. I can take it, you know. I’m not the total wimp you think I am.” He managed a half grin, looked rueful and tousled, boyish almost, and Lexy knew he meant it. He’d forgiven her, like he always did. He was like a rock. No, a big, strong tree, an oak, or a willow, buffeted by the wind but so grounded it could bend and flex then stand strong again when the storm had passed, give shade and shelter. It would be so easy to stay safe beneath the branches.
“Danny, I …”
“Don’t. Don’t say it.”
“I’ve decided I have to go back to Malawi.”
“Oh God, Lex, why?”
Danny took his hand back from hers, pushed himself up to lean against the pink padded headboard, reached for his glasses, avoiding her eyes.
“I need to … find out who I am. What it means to be Helen’s granddaughter. A Buchanan.”
“A wealthy woman.”
“No, Danny.” Lexy was stung by the unexpected bitterness in his tone. “None of this is about money. It’s about family. My family.”
“After the last few days, you really want to be a part of that family?”
“I don’t have any choice. I
am
part of it. I need to make my peace with that. So I’m going back. And …”
Lexy felt her voice catch on the lump in her throat, swallowed, tried again.
“And I want to … to go to Evie’s funeral. Pay my respects.”
“She … ? Oh, Lexy.”
“Robert rang. He blames me.”
“But that’s ridic—”
“No, it’s not. I can understand why. And I can understand that he needs to be angry with someone, too.” He raised an eyebrow as she smiled apologetically. “So why not with me? It doesn’t matter, Danny. One way or another, I deserve it. I’ve behaved so badly.”
“Extreme circumstances—”
“Are no excuse. I should be there. Take my punishment.”
“I’ll come with you.”
Lexy shook her head. “I want to – have to – do this alone. Make amends.”
“With Robert.” He scowled, looked distractingly rugged for a moment.
“What? No. Well, yes, partly, but not in that way. But really to a hundred and forty-odd families who lost loved ones because of
my
family, and who deserve compensation.”
“With Robert.” Danny was a dog with a bone.
“I told you. This has nothing to do with Robert. It’s about family, and whatever I think of him, that’s David. And Ross. I need to find a way of bringing us together, of taking care— Danny!”
Danny had thrown back the bedclothes and was grabbing at his clothes, stumbling as he caught a foot in his jeans, cursing as he fell back on the bed.
“Danny, take it easy.” Lexy had so rarely seen Danny angry that she had to fight the urge to laugh.
“Don’t lie, Lexy. Whatever else, don’t bloody lie to me. You, of all people. You’ve just been ranting about how you hate it that people have done it to you, so just don’t. I deserve better than that.”
He pulled himself up to stand again, reached for his T-shirt.
“I get it, you know. The African dream, you and Robert righting the wrongs of a colonial—”
“Danny, will you listen to me? There
is
no me and Robert.”
“Then why won’t you let me come with you?”
“Because you’d hate it.” She tried to smile, lighten the moment. “And you know what you’re like about foreign food and—”
“Don’t patronise me, Lexy. And don’t trivialise what I’m saying. I would do anything for you. Surely you realise that by now? I love you, dammit, Lexy.”
“I know you do, Danny.”
“Yeah right.” He shrugged on his jacket, turned up its collar.
“I know you love me, and that’s why I want to do this alone. I want to make my peace with … myself and then … I have to do this for myself. I need you …” He was looking at her warily. “I need you to stay here.” He snorted looked away, zipped up his jacket, pulled car keys from a pocket.
“Danny.” She put her hand on his arm to stop him. “Listen to me. I need you to stay here because you are my reason to come home.”
First published 2015
by Black & White Publishing Ltd
29 Ocean Drive, Edinburgh EH6 6JL
www.blackandwhitepublishing.com
This electronic edition published in 2015
ISBN: 978 1 78530 022 6 in EPub format
ISBN: 978 1 78530 008 0 in paperback format
Copyright © Mairi Wilson 2015
The right of Mairi Wilson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission in writing from the publisher.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Ebook compilation by RefineCatch Ltd, Bungay