"Shhh... Bailey's asleep. We've had a pretty active day," Abel whispered.
"Come outside," Nate whispered back.
"It's raining."
"I know. Come outside."
"Okay... what's happening?" Abel asked cautiously.
"Why did you kiss me that night?"
"I explained to you that I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have done it," Abel replied. Nate felt his muscles twitch as Abel stepped a little closer to him.
"Why did you kiss me that night?" Nate asked again, blinking raindrops from his eyelashes.
"What do you mean?"
"Why did you do it?"
"Because not kissing you felt like a tragedy. The idea of
not
kissing in that moment felt like something awful, something that I couldn't live without doing." Nate could feel the heat of Abel's breath on his face.
"Why?"
"This is…"
"
Why
?"
"Because we had spent the whole day together, and I had watched you give that talk, and I'd seen you nervous and triumphant. I saw how connected you were with David and how compassionate you were with the students, and then I saw how Bailey looked at you during the talk—he was so proud and so awed. And then I saw
you.
I saw you for all the fantastic things that you are, and I knew that I would never feel about anybody else the way I feel about you. I just knew I would do anything for you.
"I wanted to go back in time to when we had gone to school together and sweep you off your feet. I wanted to build a whole life for us. I wanted to take your hand, and I wanted to kiss you, and I wanted to tell you that I wanted you more than I had wanted anything in the whole world." Nate felt like the world was melting away as he listened. Abel's voice was impassioned and his whole body moved when he spoke.
"So why did you drive away like that?" Nate asked, barely able to form a sentence.
"Because I knew how difficult things were for you. I didn't want to confuse you—I didn't want you to feel like our friendship wasn't real. I was so worried that you'd think I had been trying to be with you the whole time, that I didn't value you as a friend."
"I didn't think that for a second."
"I didn't want to cause you any pain or confusion."
"Okay. But you know that I'm an adult, right? I don't need you to protect me."
"I know you don't need me to, but I want to. I want you to feel safe around me. And, selfishly, I don't want to be second best to Joshua. I want you and I want you to want me. I don't want to be the rebound or the next-best option. And that's too much pressure on you. And when I kissed you, I understood that it was too much for you."
"You didn't give me a chance." Nate stepped forward so that his body was flush against Abel's. He put his left hand on Abel's rain-streaked cheek gently and rested his other hand at the bottom of Abel's back.
Everything seemed to blur and morph into the background when Nate looked into Abel's blue eyes and shifted his weight forward so that he could rest on his tiptoes. Nate closed his eyes and kissed the scruff along Abel's jaw line, tasting the bitter acidity of his aftershave on his tongue. Resting his palm against Abel's chest, Nate could feel his quivering heartbeat and the rise and fall of his ribs as he let out a deep, contented sigh. Nate became lightheaded when he finally felt Abel's lips against his own. A shiver ran through his whole body when Abel lifted him so that he felt like he was floating in the air. He ran his fingers through Abel's wet hair, any last remnants of uncertainty gone. It felt so
right
, so completely, surprisingly natural. The kiss was fiery with passion but also warmed by a sense of security and comfort. In that minute, he felt like he could disappear into the kiss and knew that he would remember it forever. It felt like a defining moment.
Nate pulled his head back reluctantly, dreamy and punch-drunk from the kiss. "Wow."
"Exactly."
"We, uh. We… Bailey's inside and we need to check on him."
"You're right. Can we hold hands while we walk to the door?"
Nate laughed and felt buoyant when he heard Abel do the same. "God, we're such nerds." A smile danced across Nate's face as he extended his hand and felt Abel's palm against his.
*~*~*
The sound of Bailey's snoring filled the cabin.
"How does someone that small make that kind of noise?" Abel whispered as he dried his hair on a towel.
"I don't know. He doesn't always do it, but now and again it's like a drunk football player has passed out in the house. It was even weirder when he was really little," Nate replied, his words muffled as he dried his face.
"Coffee?"
"Sounds good. I think that we should lay some ground rules. You know, so that we can really make a go of this," Nate said, following Abel to the kitchen area.
"Okay. You start."
"I think that we need to be on the down-low for a while."
"Oh," Abel said, clearly disappointed as he shifted his gaze to the floor.
"Look at me. I know how that sounds, but it's not that I don't want to shout from the rooftops. And it's not because you aren't really special to me. But I need to make sure that Bailey's okay. I'm in this, I'm ready to make it work. But I'm going to need time. And you can't confuse that with a lack of commitment. I'm trying to build up from the foundations here." Nate put his hand out and let the pads of his fingers rest on the flesh of Abel's bicep as a show of intimacy and commitment.
"Okay, rule one… We keep things quiet. Plus it's kind of sexy that way. What's rule two?"
"That's up to you. Rulemaking is a two-person job," Nate replied.
"Okay. Let me think… I got it. Rule number two: we have to be honest with each other."
"Completely. Even when it's really difficult."
"We owe that to each other."
"It's the only way that this is going to work between us. I lived with someone who lied to me for a long time, and even though he thought he was doing the best thing for us, it completely torpedoed everything."
"And I'm pretty new at this whole relationship thing, I haven't really done it before. So you have to tell me if I'm fucking things up," Abel said, a hint of nervousness in his voice.
"Okay. Rule number three?"
"Lots of kissing?"
"Sounds like a plan." Nate looked back at Bailey to make sure that he was still asleep and leaned into a slow kiss, putting his hands either side of Abel's face.
"So, do we, like, date now? Are we dating?" Abel asked. Nate could feel himself melting at the sight of Abel's bright, mischievous grin.
"I guess that we are. Where shall we go on our first date?"
"I know a really good little café in town."
"You do?"
"Unfortunately, it's vegan."
"No way! How did you find out about this crazy place?" Nate asked in mock-fascination and awe.
"Oh, I know the owner."
"You do? I can't believe how connected my boyfriend is! We're like a celebrity power couple."
"I'm your boyfriend?" Abel said.
"Huh... I guess you are. If you want to be?"
"Boyfriend. It sounds good."
"Yes it does. Now kiss me before I have to take Bailey home." Nate closed his eyes and let himself melt into Abel for a few moments.
Finding a Home at the End of the Street
A month later
Nate typed the last sentence on his keyboard and exhaled. He had been writing all day, making sure to take advantage of his newfound creative inspiration. His eyes were buzzing from the blue light of the computer screen and he felt exhausted. The pressure of a day's worth of writing, rewriting, deleting, and editing thumped inside his brain. It was impossible for Nate to know how things were going; he found it hard to gain any perspective on his books until they were handed back to him for second edits. He just hoped that he was able to pick through the last couple of months of turmoil and salvage some pearls of wisdom. His collection of essays and notes was starting to take shape, forming something that at least vaguely resembled a book.
A rush of icy air swept through Abel's log cabin and Bailey and Abel emerged through the door, their clothes soaking wet and cheeks pink with cold. Abel's hair was dripping with lake water and Bailey's face was plastered with a joyful, boyish smile.
"That was amazing!" Bailey said enthusiastically.
"You should have come out with us. I think I know why the boat hasn't been going through the water correctly," Abel added, pulling off his jacket. Nate watched as Abel pulled Bailey's lifejacket off and hung it up on one of the coat hooks.
"Umm. Let me see: super-dull boats and cold water, or an endless supply of coffee and writing. I'm sorry, but it's not a difficult choice. I'll take the caffeine and wrist strain any day. But I'm glad that you had a good day."
"Dad, have you got those extra clothes? Can you believe how wet we got? Abel fell in, but I didn't," Bailey said.
"There is a spare change of clothes in your frog bag in the hallway. Do you need me to come and help you get changed?" Nate asked, pushing a pile of papers off his lap and getting up.
"No. I am old enough to get changed myself. You're always treating me like I'm a kid," Bailey replied. He shuffled to get his dry clothes. "Oh. And I am going to sleep here tonight. You can go to Granddad's if you want, but I'm finally staying in this cabin. I love it! And I don't want to drive anywhere," Bailey added defiantly.
"I don't think so, buddy. Abel needs his space," Nate argued. They went through this every time that they were at Abel's and he was getting bored of having the same discussion.
"I don't take up a lot of space. Abel, do you think you would still have your space if I stayed here?" Bailey asked, his voice suddenly turning cherubic.
"Like I always tell you, your dad is the boss," Abel said, shrugging animatedly.
"But why is he only the boss of me?" Bailey whined, his body looking tiny in his still-wet clothes.
"What do you mean? Do you hear how your dad bosses me around? I even have vegetables in my fridge now! Do you know how much I love noodles and soy sauce? I haven't had it in weeks!" Abel answered jokingly.
"Well, it's good to know that I'm such a shrew!" Nate said.
"Dad. Dad. Dad. I will be so good if you let me stay the night. Just this one time! I'll do all those English and math exercise books!"
Nate thought for a long moment, his brain still fried from hours of listening to his own thoughts and typing them out. "Well… it
is
a Friday, and we don't have to be anywhere tomorrow. So I suppose we can stay. As long as you ask Abel for permission."
"Abel, do you mind if I stay the night? I promise I won't take up any of your space," Bailey pleaded.
Abel made a show of considering it. "Of course. It will be fun!"
Bailey jumped up and down, punched the air in victory, and then ran to get changed, singing loudly.
"I'm telling you. He better go to Harvard, make a load of money, and buy me a retirement apartment in Miami," Nate sighed, sliding into the back on the comfortable couch.
"Wine?" Abel asked.
"Wine," Nate confirmed.
*~*~*
Nate picked up Bailey and followed Abel into a small but surprisingly airy bedroom. He rested his son on the mattress and covered him in the duvet, tucking the material underneath Bailey's little frame so he looked like he was in a cocoon. Nate bent down and kissed Bailey on the forehead gently. "Goodnight, Bay," Nate whispered.
"Goodnight, buddy," Abel cooed from behind Nate. It made Nate feel weak inside, like his legs couldn't stand the weight of his body. Something about the care and protectiveness in Abel's voice soothed Nate. It meant a lot that Abel was there, that he genuinely seemed to care. Nate held his hand out and Abel took it gently, leading him out of the small bedroom and back into the living room area.
Nate picked up the empty wine glasses and took them to the sink, submerging them in hot water. Abel stayed close and kissed the back of Nate's neck while snaking his incredible arms around Nate's waist, holding him close. The heat of the water and the heat of Abel's exhalations made Nate's body vibrate; he was lightheaded and had to close his eyes to regain some kind of equilibrium. Abel kissed up the side of Nate's neck and nibbled lightly at his earlobe as Nate tried to at least pretend to clean the red dregs of wine from the goblets.
"See, staying over isn't so bad, is it?" Abel whispered, his breath warm and sweet against Nate's cheek, and he lost himself in all of the sensations Abel was inspiring in his body. Nate felt like Abel was blanketing him, offering a protection from the outside world.
"Put some music on," Nate breathed, his voice almost catching at the bottom of his throat as he felt the shape of Abel's lips on the nape of his neck. His skin was fiery and sensitive, every pore exquisitely painful. Nate felt shivery and loose and completely tangled up in the scent, skin, and power of Abel's presence.
Abel obliged, obviously reluctant to let go of Nate, and put something slow and sensual on the speakers. Nate sighed gently as his body came back into Abel's. Their bodies moved together to the rhythm of the music. The air between them felt completely private, as if the oxygen had been created solely for them. Nate felt like something was lifting him in the air.
Nate closed his eyes and held his face against Abel's, feeling the salt-and-pepper scruff scratch his cheek lightly. Abel, in all his broadness, let Nate escape into him, took on some of the weight that rested on his shoulders. Nate put his hand under the thin cotton of Abel's pajama T-shirt and traced the hard muscles of his abdomen, letting his fingers in the gentle slopes of each new, defined muscle. He brushed his hand upwards and rested his it on the soft flesh between his chest. Abel's heart was beating strongly, responding to Nate's touch like a drumline. Everything felt supernatural and human, out of the ordinary and routine, sensual and sexual.
"I shouldn't be doing this," Nate whispered as he kissed the hair on Abel's steel-cut jaw.
"Okay... If you're not ready," Abel offered breathlessly.
"How do I know if I'm ready?" Nate asked, still tracing the outline of Abel's heart with his finger.