"Don't say that. It makes me feel worse that I forgot our anniversary. That I forgot about us on today of all days. It should have been the first thing on my mind. I just feel like I'm letting you down all the time." Joshua kicked at some invisible piece of trash on the floor and hunched over. This made a shiver run down Nate's spine; he hadn't seen Joshua like this before. It was so antithetical to the driven, independent person he'd grown so accustomed to. Joshua now looked like someone who was giving up, or at the very least considering it.
Nate bridged the gap between them and held Joshua's face in his hands. Their eyes met and a small surge of electricity ran up and down Nate's spine—just like the first time he had seen his then-still-mysterious crush. "I know how hard you are working for our family... I know how much it takes out of you, and sometimes, even though it's shitty, something has to slip. But we are rock solid. You couldn't let me down, even if you tried really hard.
You
are
my
man." Nate exhaled deeply in a vain attempt to quiet the butterflies that winged around in his stomach.
"I'm your man who forgot our tenth anniversary," Joshua whispered. Nate felt Joshua's hunched body draw closer, like he was using Nate's body as a crutch, a way of holding himself upright.
"Do you remember the night we met?" Nate asked.
"Of course I do. I couldn't take my eyes off of you. It was the best night of my life."
"Then you didn't forget. Today is just a date on a calendar; that doesn't mean
anything
compared to those memories. And you have your own business. That's a huge deal."
"Yeah. But it's not more important than my family. Without you guys, I would be so lost. I wouldn't even think about starting this thing if you weren't standing next to me. You've always been there, and I'm always fucking things up." Joshua's voice was still raw, which made Nate want to stop time for a while so that he could somehow make everything better.
Nate jumped when he heard the sounds of Bailey crashing two of his toy trucks together. He pulled himself back to the moment to answer Joshua. "You're not fucking anything up. You're doing your best. You're working the hardest that you possibly can. I get it." Nate kept his voice low so that Bailey couldn't hear. He looked through the doorway and into the dining area so that he could see Bailey was still playing happily with his toys.
"What did I do to deserve you?" Joshua asked.
"I don't know, maybe you were some kind of saint in a past life."
Joshua smiled. "You know, I went to the library and tried to get hold of one of your books at lunch."
"Why? We have a bunch of copies here," Nate said.
"I don't know, I guess I just wanted to be near you. I felt like maybe holding one of them might feel the same as holding you." Joshua's voice lilted, a little bit of flirtation in the mix.
Nate melted a little inside and his muscles loosened.
"Did it work?"
"I don't know, all of them had been taken out on loan." Joshua shrugged.
‘That's probably because they only have one copy," Nate joked.
"Nope. I checked. They had five copies of each of them, and they were all gone. You know people love what you write. You give them hope and courage. You give
me
hope and courage. When people find out that we're together, you wouldn't believe how animated and excited they get. They tell me about how you helped them through heartbreak, how you were with them when they had their greatest triumphs, how you guided them through the rockiest moments of their lives. You are a very special person; not just to me, to a lot of people."
Joshua's voice was warm and smooth as he looked into Nate's eyes. Nate saw what he had been missing for weeks. He saw passion and kindness, the unbelievable goodness that had first sparked his attraction. Nate could almost conjure up imaginary fireworks behind Joshua's head. He was thrilled to have some of the old Joshua back, the Joshua that had been eroding away for a while. But it wasn't exactly the same yet; there was still some indescribable distance.
"Joshua, is everything okay? Is something going on?"
"Babe... I'm fine, were fine."
Nate heard a sliver of doubt in Joshua's voice. The ghost of something that wasn't being said, of something painful and hidden and fragile.
"You know, I really am sorry. About today. About being busy. About a million big and little things. I just feel a little lost sometimes, but when I'm with you and Bay...I'm suddenly not lost anymore. Just like that. I'm home again." Joshua embraced Nate tightly, creating a protective bubble for them, a space only they were allowed to occupy. The air between them was calm, like the molecules had drifted into a comfortable sleep. Nate let himself disappear for a second into Joshua's arms, feeling their strength and determination.
"And I told you, it really is okay. You don't have to apologize." Nate took in one long inhale, letting Joshua's scent envelope him—he smelled like woods that had just survived a rainfall. Joshua's shirt was damp; Nate hadn't realized that he was crying. "Can you believe that we met each other ten whole years ago? It kind of feels like yesterday."
"I know what you mean. I can still remember walking back to the hotel after I left you closing up the bar. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do," Joshua said.
"I remember looking over the bar after I bought your drink and just praying that you would talk to me. You were so handsome and so adult. So different to anybody I had ever seen—like you were some kind of movie star."
"Thank god I did talk to you... But I couldn't have helped myself even if I had tried."
"What do you mean?"
"I dunno. It was like there was some thread between us. Pulling me towards you." A deep wrinkle sank between Joshua's eyebrows. Nate knew that wrinkle well; it appeared every time Joshua needed to explain something emotional. Nate knew that it meant there was more feeling than Joshua was able to express, that Joshua's feelings ran truer and deeper than his calm surface suggested.
"Do you think it was my radical bartender outfit?" Nate allowed his voice to grow flirty.
"I have always had a thing for you in a beer-soaked flannel shirt," Joshua responded, nuzzling his nose against Nate's ear.
"Oh. Really? I think I can find something flannel. I think it will be good for us to really connect tonight, to be close and sexy and just, you know, together. We seem a little distant from each other lately. I love you, and I guess I just think there are things you don't want to tell me." Every part of his body long to be connected to Joshua's.
"Daddy, Papa! What are you doing? Come and speak to me. I have a question!" Nate and Joshua jumped in surprise, their moment of unity and quiet disturbed.
"You know, Joshua, the best bet I ever made was on you." Nate grabbed Joshua's arm and stopped him from crossing over the threshold to the kitchen before they transformed from Joshua and Nate into Daddy and Papa. He couldn't let him walk away yet; leaving the hallway would mean leaving this moment. This moment where so much had been said and so little. Where they were so close, yet still so far away.
"You've never regretted it?" Joshua asked.
"Not even for a second. It paid off."
They both smiled. But Nate still felt like there was something Joshua wasn't telling him. Some kind of whisper from the universe was encouraging him to ask questions, to push for answers—answers to questions that he didn't know how to ask. Something was going on, and Nate felt like he was being left in the dark.
Lately, he felt like Joshua was hiding something from him, like he was living a life that Nate wasn't allowed to step into. Joshua had been coming home later and later and seemed distracted whenever he was around. He had been less hands-on with Bailey, and Nate had noticed Joshua staring at spreadsheet for hours on end. Nate had asked Joshua if everything was okay, and had tried to push the subject repeatedly, but each time Joshua had dismissed him. For the first time in their whole relationship, Nate had noticed Joshua looking tired and it scared him—it was so different to the image that Nate always had of Joshua as a hero.
He felt like he was at sea, the waves lapping at his feet and ankles. Nate was sending out a life raft, trying to communicate without speaking, willing his concerns to travel from his body to Joshua's so that he didn't have to verbalize them. Nate said all the things that he was supposed to say and he seemed honest. He really did love and trust Joshua, but he could not outrun the cloud that hovered above them. He looked up to the ceiling quickly and said a silent prayer. He prayed that his worries were unfounded and that everybody would have enough love and stability for a lifetime.
*~*~*
After they finished dinner, Nate watched Joshua swoop Bailey's tired body into his arms and begin the usual bedtime routine. Nate waved them goodnight as they ascended the staircase slowly. He looked at the space at the top of the stairs for a second after Joshua had taken Bailey into his bedroom, staring at it as if he would be able to see some kind of imprint of the bond between Joshua and Bailey. Nate wanted their love to leave something tangible behind them so that he could hold the love in his hands and let it give him a sense of certainty. It was always Joshua's job to put Bailey to bed, and the routine made Nate feel secure and happy; he had been clinging onto routine lately. He turned towards the kitchen, grateful for some time to indulge his need to clean.
Nate put the dishes and cutlery away silently, soaking in the few minutes of silence that he had each day when Joshua took Bailey to bed. He took genuine pleasure in his kitchen. Growing up, he'd watched cooking shows and dreamed of being able to nourish a family, host fun parties, and revel in home comforts. Having his own kitchen had seemed so far away that he'd imbued the idea with a kind of mysticism. Now that he had one, he spent as much time in it as possible. It was literally a dream come true.
Nate noticed that Joshua was leaning against the kitchen door and grinned. "Why are you just standing there?"
"Because sometimes I like to just watch you, you know; you're kind of a domestic hottie." Joshua beamed.
"Oh, yes. I very much do know. You should come over here. Like, right this second." Nate pointed towards Joshua and then to the ground in front of his feet.
"That sounds great. But do you think we should talk before, you know, about some of the things you said in the hallway? About you feeling far away from me? Because I think there is some stuff we should discuss." Joshua shifted his weight nervously.
Nate shook his head. "No talking, no words. I just want you. I just want us for tonight. We can talk sometime else. Another day. A less important day."
Nate barely had time to register Joshua pushing his body onto the breakfast nook, his arms hooked under Nate's hips. Nate wrapped his legs around Joshua's muscular waist and felt him shiver under his searching fingers. They writhed together, hearts thumping in unison. Nate licked the tanned skin of Joshua's neck, tasting his woody, tart aftershave and his salty sweat, and fingered the light patch of gray in his otherwise jet-black hair. Joshua shifted his hand to the bottom of Nate's spine, and Nate felt himself being pulled even closer—so close that the boundaries between their bodies seemed to disappear. Nate felt Joshua's tongue next to his and the hot air between them, fizzing as if their desire was changing the very atmosphere.
He slid his hand down Joshua's side and pushed their bodies apart temporarily. He climbed off the table and pulled Joshua behind him as he walked across the room. Nate maneuvered Joshua into a seat and then sat on his lap, holding his face in his hands. Nate took in Joshua's smooth olive skin, the sexy crinkles by his eyes, and the deep brown of his irises. He ran his finger across Joshua's bottom lip, feeling the plump skin and appreciating how it grew redder under his touch. Nate ran his palm under Joshua's strong jaw and let the salt-and-pepper gray stubble scratch at the heel of his hand. He rocked his hips back and forth and searched for Joshua's mouth with his own.
"I want you. I love you. I love you," Joshua repeated between kisses.
"Let's go upstairs." Nate sighed, his mind reeling.
"Can I carry you?" Joshua asked. Nate was still held close by Joshua's powerful embrace. Nate felt protected and warm, like nothing bad could ever happen. He could still feel the doubts that had been plaguing him for weeks, but they were infinitely calmer now that he was close to Joshua. The physical proximity seemed to quiet his mind. Nate was able to discard his fears when his skin touched Joshua's. In the darkest corner of his mind, Nate knew that they hadn't resolved anything, but he wanted to dive into the easy option, to jump into the calm pool of Joshua's body, rather than face the feelings that were frightening him.
"I ate a lot of bread this evening, maybe I should just walk," Nate tried to joke.
"I really want to carry you."
"Why? Are you planning on making me look after you all night in hospital? Because I have some things in mind for tonight that require serious lumbar strength," Nate said flirtatiously.
"Because I feel like I haven't been carrying you lately. I always promised you that I would be the strong one—that I would never, ever drop you, and I haven't been keeping that promise. I know that I've been busy and I haven't participated enough in our relationship. You've given me more time and space than anyone should have to. My grip hasn't been tight enough." Before Nate could protest, he felt Joshua's big biceps strain a little and then the distinctive sensation of being lifted.
Nate felt a little ludicrous, but he was more secure than he was expecting. He wrapped his arms around Joshua's sinewy shoulders and neck. Nate felt ridiculous about how sexy he felt in Joshua's arms, like he was some swooning film character. He always felt small next to Joshua, but now he felt a little awestruck—Joshua's display of strength was cartoonish but undeniably a turn-on. They moved towards the staircase and started to ascend, and Nate moved his hand to Joshua's thumping heart.
"You know, babe, you have been carrying me for ten years. You've never slipped, not for even half a second." Nate smiled but noticed the look in Joshua's eyes—maybe not disappointment, but wistfulness.