Until There Was You (18 page)

"Believe me, I knew the old Abel and I sort of know the new Abel, at least enough to let him lead me up
Mount Everest
, and lots of things have changed. Trust me." Nate imbued his voice with as much kindness and certainty as he could muster. He looked at Abel's profile. The sky had started turning into a deep orange color, which reflected through the car window and brushed against Abel's skin, giving it a bronzed luster. Abel looked deep in thought and angelic and Nate wanted desperately to ask what was going on in his mind.

"Do you really believe that? That I've moved forward?" Abel asked, his voice quiet and vulnerable.

"Of course," Nate confirmed.

"Thank you."

"Sure thing, but you better appreciate it, because next time I'm going to make you buy one of my books. I can't just go around giving words of encouragement out for free. My publisher would kill me." Nate watched Abel's face break into a smile.

"So what are you going to do about Bailey tonight?"

"I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to tell him what's happening. Well, maybe not exactly what's happening, but I am definitely going to fill him in. I can't just keep brushing it under the rug. It's stupid, I'm just delaying the inevitable." Nate sighed.

"Will you be okay?"' Abel asked, concerned.

"Do I have a choice?"

"No. Not really."

Nate couldn't help but laugh. "So will I be seeing you again? Do you have any plans to commandeer my plans in the near future? Maybe make me do a triathlon?"

"Of course. Maybe not the triathlon, but we should definitely meet up again soon."

"Definitely."

"Before you go, did Emma tell you that she used to work helping people with their personal finances? She went to college to study something to do with money. She had many clients before she started the café, and I think she helped a lot of people. She used to deal with loans and budgets and stuff. Do you want me to get her to meet up with you?" Abel asked.

"That would be great. Thanks. As long as it's not an imposition; I know how difficult it is to run your own business. I remember what Joshua was like when he had Bay Consultancy," Nate said, the mention of the business punching at his insides.

"She'll meet you."

"Okay. I better go." Nate opened the passenger door and pulled himself out of Abel's truck, feeling the weight of his backpack pulling at his shoulder muscles as he stood up. He put his hands on the roof and stuck his head back into the cab.

"Good luck."

"I think I'm gonna need it," Nate said sadly. He knew that he should close the truck door, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to put an end to the day; the thud of the door seemed like it would be too sad and too final.

Abel's hands looked like they were gripping tightly on the steering wheel; Nate noticed that his knuckles were white. Silence slithered through the space between Nate and Abel, the mood suddenly brought down like it had been at the end of the previous night. Instead of looking loose and comfortable, like on the hike, Abel now looked tense and agitated—desperate to leave. "Is everything all right?" Nate asked, confused.

"Yep. I just need to go; I've got things to do. Good luck again."

Nate closed the door and stood back, watching as Abel reversed out of his parents' clearing and sped out of sight. Nate stood on his parents' step and watched the truck grow smaller and smaller as it drove into the burnt-orange distance. The backpack felt even heavier now that Nate was so close to Bailey.

For the second time in two days, Abel had left Nate feeling confused. Everything had seemed to change in the two seconds that it had taken Nate to get out of the car. Everything had been friendly and supportive until it had suddenly and inexplicably turned cold and distant. Nate racked his brain for things he might have said or done to upset Abel, but he couldn't bring anything to mind. He shook his head, aware that he had more important and pressing things to deal with, but he couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was happening that he couldn't quite see properly. There was another story happening, he was sure of it, but he didn't have access to it. He didn't have enough perspective yet to read between the lines of his own problems.

*~*~*

"Am I getting a brother or a sister?" Bailey asked, putting his coloring pencil down and looking at Nate excitedly.

"What do you mean?" Nate asked, startled. He looked to his mom for some kind of clarification, but she just shrugged, clearly as confused as he was.

"When my friend Peter had to sit down with his parents, they told him that they were going to have a baby. But he is the real baby, because he cried when they told him!" Bailey replied, laughing.

"Bailey, I've told you before, Peter is a bit more sensitive than you and other kids are, so you have to be extra nice to him. Anyway, I'm sorry, but you're not getting a brother or sister. I mean, that's not why we wanted you to talk with us." Nate felt like his tongue had doubled in size; he was finding it difficult to speak properly and he felt like there was a weight on his chest.

"Before your dad tells you anything, I just want you to know that your granddad and I love having you here, and we want you to know that you can talk to us about anything. I know that you haven't been here that long, but you can tell us about how you're feeling or what you're thinking." Ava's tone was warm and kind. Nate watched as his mom put her hand out and felt a glimmer of happiness when Bailey took it with his own.

"Okay. Bay. Umm. Shit," Nate said, his brain cutting off for a beat.

"Dad, no swearing," Bailey yelled.

"Nathaniel, don't use that language," Ava added in almost complete unison with her grandson.

Nate couldn't stop himself from laughing. Bailey and Ava adopted the exact same tone as they chastised him; it was a weird little quirk that they shared, something so small but so significant. Nate couldn't believe that he hadn't thought of it before—it seemed so obvious when they were in a room together. It played on Nate's mind sometimes that he wasn't Bailey's genetic parent. Logically, he knew that it didn't matter, but sometimes he felt like he was missing out on something. Sometimes he worried that he would never be as close to Bailey as Joshua was. They had a genetic link that Nate would never be able to recreate, but hearing Ava and Bailey together made Nate feel like Bailey had a connection to him that was deeper than genetic. Nate knew in that moment that Bailey was a product of all the things that he had seen and been though. There was a straight line between Ava, Nate, and Bailey and probably all of the family members that came before them. Bailey began to giggle and then Ava joined in. They laughed together until they fell into silence.

"You know that Papa hasn't been around for a while? Well, I… I haven't been able to speak to him on the phone. I don't know exactly where he is, and I don't know when he'll be back," Nate spoke quickly, trying to shy away from the words.

"But he is coming back sometime, isn't he?" Bailey asked, his voice thin and more childlike than it usually was. Nate knew when Bailey was upset because he dropped the mature tone that he had started using. This made Nate feel like his heart was going to tear itself out of his chest.

"Yes, of course," Nate said, wincing as he heard the words leaving his mouth. He desperately wanted to tell Bailey how uncertain he was, how few answers he had—but he just
couldn't
be completely honest. He felt like he was holding a sledgehammer but was too scared to use it, even though he was slowly getting enough confidence in himself to know that he would be capable of picking up the pieces of the thing he broke.

"But when?" Bailey asked.

"I don't know," Nate replied pathetically.

"What do you mean you don't know? What did Papa say?" Bailey stood up from the table, his voice growing angry. Nate saw that Bailey's wide eyes had become a little bit watery and felt like he wanted to disappear.

"I don't know," Nate replied quietly.

"We just have to wait for Papa to come back. It might even be tomorrow. But stop saying 'I don't know'. It makes me feel bad. I'm going to bed, and don't follow me, because I want to be alone. But you better make sure I'm tucked in properly because I don't want to be sad
and
cold. Also, don't say rude words when I leave." Bailey grabbed his coloring book from the table, kissed Ava on the cheek, and stomped to their bedroom.

Nate rested his head on Ava's shoulder. "He's never like that. He's such a cool kid and he never gets angry like that. And the worst thing is, I took the coward's way out. I didn't tell Bailey that Joshua has left—I didn't explain that he might never come back. I gave him some false hope that Joshua coming back is just a matter of time. And I don't think that's true anymore."

"You did fine. I thought you did really well. It's baby steps. The whole thing is going to be a process. You can't expect to go from awful to happily ever after in a day," Ava said.

"Why? Wouldn't life be so much better that way?" Nate asked.

"It would be. But sometimes the easier something is, the less life changing it is. You can get too comfortable taking the easy way out," Ava said calmly.

"Do you think Bailey hates me now?"

"Maybe for the next five minutes."

"And then what?"

"Well, then it's another day."

"Oh, Mom. This is all so difficult," Nate whined, balking at his childish tone.

"Just remember… it's supposed to be."

"I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air. Hopefully the ground will open and swallow me whole."

"You're fine. Go and get some air, give yourself a few minutes," Ava said, getting up from her seat.

"Thanks, Mom. Thanks for being here." Nate was surprised how grateful he felt to his mom for sitting next to him. It was almost overwhelming, as if a wave had hit him while he had been looking in the opposite direction.

Looking around the house that he had grown up in, Nate could start to remember some good memories, not just the times that he had felt isolated and vulnerable. He could remember Christmases now, and birthdays, and lazy Sundays, not just the heartbreaks and the setbacks. "Hey, Mom. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we had tried harder to show each other that we loved each other?" Some of Nate's words distorted as his throat closed up with emotion. He balled his fists up and pulled at his eyes, scraping away some tears that he had not meant to shed. The skin around his eyes felt raw and red.

"Of course. Every day of my life." Ava looked down at her coffee and Nate stood up in silence, watching his mom for a second, wishing that he could see her thoughts laid out on the table like some kind of grocery list. He wished that he had access to everybody's inner monologue so that he could understand what they needed most and then give it to them. The urge to make everything right was overwhelming and hopeless in the face of the many things that had gone wrong.

Nate put his hand on Ava's shoulder for a second and then moved across the room and out of the front door. He pulled off the backpack and slammed it to the ground in frustration. Nate couldn't imagine how Bailey would react when he found out that Joshua was gone for good and couldn't think of any way to make the news less awful. The thought of telling Bailey the whole truth made Nate feel like he was constantly dragging around an anchor.

"Fucking backpack." Nate huffed as stone thudded on the wooden boards of the porch floor and reverberated around.

He looked behind him quickly, half-expecting Bailey to run out of the house and shout at him for his bad language. The air was cool and the sky had turned an oceanic dark blue, not quite night but slowly receding into blackness. The floorboards squeaked as Nate paced up and down, relying on the rhythmic movement to calm him down and make him feel like he had space to breath and think. He pulled his phone from his pocket and checked his texts. There were three text messages and Nate felt ludicrous as a shiver of hope darted up his spine, the hope that Joshua had texted an apology and that everything would be fine again. Even after acknowledging the reality of what Joshua had done, Nate couldn't quite sweep away the part of him that trusted and loved Joshua and that wanted them to be together forever. It was quieter, but it was still there.

He remembered reading once that every love story was actually a ghost story, and now he finally understood what that meant: the love lingers long after the person leaves and the dream dies, and that you still want the life you thought you would have even after that becomes impossible. He looked up at the darkening sky for a moment and then down at the muted light of his phone.

Cici: Just a reminder that I love you… Also feel better and come back… The school wants me to make Vegan cupcakes and I want to kill myself!

David: How are things going? I heard through the grapevine that you had drinks with Abel Jones after I left the bar. That has to be a rumor, right?!?

Unknown Number: Hey Nate. It's Abe. I asked your dad for your number. Hope you're okay. Have you buried the stone?

Nate replied to Cecily, instructing her to fill the cupcakes with bacon drippings, and then filled David in a little on the previous night's events. He saved Abel's number and hit reply.

Nate: Not yet... is it possible to bury like a third of it? We spoke - he's angry. Doesn't want to talk to me. Also, you're friends with my dad?!

After a few moments, Nate's phone buzzed in his palm.

Abel: I help him renovate his boats. And I think you can bury it as slowly or as quickly as you want. You get to choose.

Nate: I'm only learning that you and dad are best of friends now?

Abel: Yeah. I didn't think that it was a very good opening gambit. 'Hi remember me? I used to bully you really badly and I'm also good friends with the man who kicked you out of your home when you were sixteen. Wanna have a drink?'

Nate: Point taken.

Abel: I hope that you know that by moving forward, even if it is slowly, you are ahead of the race too. You're doing really well. Oh, and Emma said you should get that finance guy to call her so that she knows what's going on. I'll text you her number. She thinks she has some ideas.