Until I Die Again [On The Way To Heaven] (Soul Change Novel) (31 page)

She trailed her fingernails down his back, gritting back words and tears as he moved inside her. He gave her no mercy, no space to breathe, no tenderness—just raw passion. They both gasped for breath, not willing to wait for it to catch up to them.

Her body convulsed, sending her rocketing to some other place where pain and decisions were nonexistent. Oh, how she wanted to stay there, touching the sun, feeling engulfed in heat. His shudder yanked her back to reality, and he pulled her closer for a tighter hold. They remained there for a few minutes before he moved away to look at her.

“Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?”

She only then became aware of the tears streaming down her face. To stave off the torrent, she only shook her head.

“What’s the matter?”

Not now, she couldn’t tell him now. She took in short breaths, trying to regain control.

“I’m sorry, Jamie,” was all she could manage.

“No, I’m sorry. Let’s put it behind us.”

She nodded in agreement, blinking to keep the tears back. She studied him, subconsciously memorizing every detail, every nuance of him. His dark blond eyelashes captured the sunlight, casting tiny shadows on the top of his cheeks. Tiny beads of sweat accumulated on his forehead, and she reached up to wipe them away with her finger. His blue eyes studied her, unable to hide the uncertainty.

Her fingers trailed down his neck to mingle with the soft fuzz on his chest that was only visible close up. She closed her eyes and memorized each ridge on his chest and stomach, the feel of his belly button.

“I love you, Jamie,” she said, finding her voice uncooperative. She wanted to say it again and again, to make him understand and believe that he was her life, her soul. Everything.

“Then why are you crying?”

“Not now.” She looked away, but he held her chin and moved it back so that she faced him again.

“What not now?”

“Jamie, please,” she whimpered.

He moved away from her, but his eyes never left hers. “It’s Mick, isn’t it?”

“God, no.” She bent her head and rubbed away her tears. “It has nothing to do with him.”

Jamie stood up and put on his bathing suit. Towering above her, she couldn’t see his face with the sun blinding her from behind.

“
What
has nothing to do with Mick?”

She started crying again, the sound of sobs and the blinding of tears that blocked out everything around her and left her feeling alone and scared. She couldn’t see him, but she knew he stood there watching her.

“What’s going on, Hallie?” His voice had that flat tone again. It dulled her senses, making her able to look at him.

“I h-have to leave, but it’s nothing to do with Mick or you.”

He whirled around and walked inside, leaving her talking to the empty air. She jumped up and followed, finding him holding his head with one hand and leaning against the wall with the other. Her heart leaped into her throat.

“Jamie, are you all right?”

His eyes were filled with anger and disbelief. “Why?”

She took a deep breath. “I can’t explain, because you’ll send me away to the Sharp Rehabilitation Center. I won’t have you thinking I’m crazy.”

“You’d rather me think you’re heartless.”

“You know that’s not true. I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

He leaned into her face. “No, you won’t.”

“But I will.”

“You walk out that door without any explanation, and I don’t want you back.”

Her eyes widened. “Jamie, you don’t mean that.”

“I mean every word of it.” He turned too quickly, then grimaced. His hand moved up over his heart. “Hallie, don’t do this to me.”

Her tears started anew. “I’m not doing it to
you
. I’m doing it to me. I don’t want to leave. Before I can live in peace, I have to find something out.”

“Find out what?” His eyes glared at her, and his body was stiff.

She looked at him, weighing how much to tell him. Telling him something was better than leaving him completely in the dark. “What happened on that bridge.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “The one you keep dreaming about?”

She nodded. “There’s a reason it haunts me every night. I have to put the pieces together. And don’t start talking about seeing a doctor. This isn’t something any doctor can figure out. Only I can.”

“Hallie, this is—”

“Don’t say crazy. Don’t. It’s not crazy to me. Something happened when I was in a coma. Something put these images in my head. I have to find out why. It’s as important as the feeling that I’d come back for you.”

She knew he was thinking that her brain had been injured, by the tightening of his mouth, his expression of both worry and anger. “So, you’re going to, what, go searching all the bridges in the country until you find the one in your nightmares?”

She didn’t want him to know where she’d be going. “Something like that.”

“Then II’ll come with you.”

“No, I have to do this alone. I feel strongly about that, it must be just me.”

He turned away from her. “Mick’s flying out tonight. Why don’t you see if you can fly out with him?”

“It’s not Mick. Please trust me.” She moved up behind him and tentatively touched his back. “I know it’s a big thing to ask, but I’m asking anyway. Trust me.”

He turned around and the pain in his eyes made her heart break. “I can’t. I can’t give you that.”

Her voice was a whisper. “I have to go. I don’t want to lose you, but I have to go. When I’m finished, I want to come back.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “No.”

“Jamie?” She reached out for him, but he moved away.

He grabbed some clothes, and, without even a glance in her direction, walked out the door. Or rather his blurry figure did, through her tears. Now that the damage was done, she couldn’t change her mind. Everything she had worked so hard to achieve had disappeared through that door. She let herself think of the soft blond hair she would never run her fingers through again, the eyes that would never look at her with love, arms that would never hold her again after a nightmare.

She shook herself from the fit of self-pity. She had to get rid of these nightmares, find out the truths behind them. Then she would return, and maybe, just maybe, Jamie would forgive her. But she had to face another possibility: maybe he wouldn’t.

“This is how you take care of my brother?”

Hallie turned at the sound of Miguel’s cynical voice. She bowed her head, not wanting to face him. The lobby was filling with new arrivals, ready for an exciting first day at Caterina. A handful sat soberly waiting for the golf cart to take them back to reality. None were as sad to leave as she was.

She finally summoned the courage to meet his eyes. “I told him I’d be back.”

Miguel leaned against a post, his large arms crossed over his chest. “From where?”

“I can’t tell you.”

His eyes softened. “Hallie, don’t do this to him. He loves you, more than he’s ever loved anyone before.”

The tears were at the ready, giving everything a surreal, wavery look. “I have to go. Miguel, I love Jamie more than anything in the world, but I can’t be completely happy until I resolve something from my past. It’s not a man, I’m not in love with anyone else.” She saw the cart pull up. “I have to go. Goodbye, Miguel. Tell Jamie I’m sorry and that I love him.”

“You tell him.”

“He was the one who left last night. He was the one who didn’t answer when I knocked on your door this morning. Please, tell him for me.”

He reached out and touched her arm. “He means it, Hallie. He doesn’t want you back if you leave. Don’t you realize that you’ve run out of second chances?”

Her lip trembled. “I have to go.” She turned and ran to the cart, throwing her bag in back and ordering the driver to get her out of there fast.

CHAPTER 17

Jamie started drinking at four o’clock, in blatant disregard for the doctor’s instructions to avoid alcohol while taking the pain killers. Juicy was giving him particularly pitiful looks, and he guessed that everyone knew Hallie had left him.

“Your wife, she love you very much,” Juicy said softly. “She be back as soon as she can.”

Jamie lifted his head and narrowed his eyes. “What do you know about where she’s going? You’re her friend—did she tell you?”

“I don’t know where she go, jus’ dat it be hard for her to leave.”

Renee sidled up to the bar and took the seat next to him. “Hi, stranger.”

“Go ‘way,” he slurred, angry at his own susceptibility to liquor. He needed both arms braced on the counter just to keep himself upright.

“Absolutely not. In fact, I’m taking you home. You don’t want the guests to see the owner like this.”

She took his arm and pulled him away from the stool. He knew she was right. Her arm was linked with his as she guided him down the pathway that led home. When he was faced with the cozy exterior, lighted and welcoming, he stopped. So many nights he saw this scene and couldn’t wait to get inside and be with Hallie.

“I don’t want to go home,” he stated.

“Fine, come home with me then.”

He turned unsteadily, and she caught his arm to keep his balance.

“Jamie, how did you get so drunk? I’ve never seen you like this.”

He fished in his pocket for the bottle of capsules from the resort’s pharmacy and held them up to her.

“Geez, you know better than that!”

The smell of gardenias made him feel nauseated, and he sped up the pace.

“I guess you know about…”

“Yes,” she interrupted. “I know.”

“Bitch,” he slurred.

“Yes, I know.”

She fumbled with the keys at the door to her bungalow. He stepped inside without any invitation and looked around at the ruffles, lace, and pink gingham.

“I didn’t know you were a closet fru-fru.”

“What’s a fru-fru?” she asked, coming up behind him.

“One of those women who likes this kinda stuff.” He made a vague wave.

“What’s wrong with fru-fru?”

He shrugged. “Nothing, I guess. Just didn’t expect it from you.”

She turned off the light, pitching them into sudden darkness. “I’m going to turn on a softer light.” She moved up behind him and slid her arms around his waist. “Jamie, I…”

He threw her down on the couch and lunged on top of her. His lips mashed down on hers, and she groaned. His hands trailed down smooth, cool skin, and she reached down to unbutton his shirt. When she had him bare-chested, he tried unsuccessfully to unbutton her shirt, then ripped it apart.

“Jamie,” she said.

“Shh.”

The skin his hands roamed over was softer, spongier, not taut like—he wouldn’t think of her.

Renee had her hands on his belt, tugging at it. He shoved his tongue into her mouth, and her hands fell to the side. After a moment, she started working at his belt again. She was making little whimpering noises. He stopped kissing her, then forced himself to start again. She unzipped his pants, but before she could start pushing them down, he rolled away from her.

When he turned on the light, it revealed a startled expression on her flushed face. It had a sobering effect on him. She sat up and moved next to him, her brown eyes wide in confusion. When she reached up and touched his hair, he couldn’t stop the involuntarily reaction of moving away. She dropped her hand.

His voice sounded thick. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “In the dark, I see Hallie.”

She forced a smile. “We’ll leave the lights on.”

He was already shaking his head. “It’s more than that. I wanted you to be her.”

Renee’s shoulders drooped. “I can’t be her, Jamie.”

He reached out and touched her chin. “I know that. It would be wrong for you to try.”

Her chin trembled, and she looked away. Tears made her eyes shiny. “She left you. Why can’t you forget her?”

He sighed. “I wish I could. But God help me, I can’t. I need to find out why she left. If it’s for another man, I can put it to rest. But I can’t let her go until I’m sure, and I’m really not sure.”

Renee reached over and put her hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

He stood, then offered Renee his hand. Helping her to her feet, he pulled her closer. “You know, there’s someone else who needs you more than I do.”

She tilted her head. “Someone else? What do you mean?”

He smiled. “You really haven’t noticed, have you? Someone who appreciates what a beautiful woman you are, how wonderful and kind. Someone who’s a lot more deserving than I am.”

Renee’s eyes widened, and a smile lit her face. “Miguel?”

Jamie nodded. “He’s been in love with you for a long time. He’s never admitted it to me, of course, but I can tell.”

“But Miguel is my friend. He’s warm, wonderful, sweet. He’s…” Her eyes widened more. “Oh, I don’t know.”

“He’s a good guy. And very patient.”

“Patient, indeed.” Then her expression dimmed. “But he’s still mad at me for spilling the beans about Hallie the other night.”

“He’ll get over it. If I can forgive you, he can.”

She pushed out her lower lip. “Have you forgiven me?”

“Yes. Just don’t tell me anything else, okay?”

“There’s nothing else.” Then a thoughtful frown lit her face. “Miguel. I’m not sure I could feel that way about him.”

“You could try.”

“I could. I love him as a friend, but I’m just not sure.” She grinned. “I told him I was going to seduce that woman right out of your head. He’s going to think…”

“Not if you go over there now.”

She smoothed her hair and put her shirt back on. “I think I’d better change into another shirt,” she said when she found no buttons to insert.

Sorry about that.”

“It’s going to be hard getting over you, you know.”

Jamie shook his head. “Nah. I predict by the end of this evening you’ll have forgotten all about me.”

She walked over and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. “Don’t count on it. You’re a hard man to forget.”

“You’ll have other things on your mind. Have an eventful evening. And describe the look on his face when you show up.” But he already knew what Miguel would look like. He could imagine it well enough.