Until I Break (7 page)

“You’re not?”

He shakes his head and steps toward me. “I’m
more…hungry.”

“F-for what?”

“Need you even ask? I thought I’d made my
intentions quite clear.” He takes another step toward me.

And he has. But that’s one of the reasons I’m
breathless. “Yes. But tonight…”

“Yes, tonight is your free night. Your last
chance to back out. Tomorrow, I won’t be taking no for an answer.
Do you understand?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Good.” He takes another step toward me. “All
night long, I’ve watched you.” Another step closer. “I’ve watched
the way you walk and move, the way your dress hugs your hips, the
way it cups your breasts.” Another step closer. “I watched you
blush when I touched you. I watched you pretend you weren’t
thinking about my lips on yours.”

He takes the step that brings his body into
contact with mine. His face is inches away. The lapels of his open
jacket are brushing my rock-hard nipples. His thighs rest against
mine. “I kept imagining what your mouth would feel like, what it
would be like to slide my tongue between your lips and taste
you.”

I’ve never wanted to be kissed more.
Ever.

“And for tonight, that’s where I’ll stop. But
just tonight. You have my word.”

I can’t hear past the rush of blood in my
ears. My pulse is pounding, my breath is shallow, my skin is on
fire. And then his mouth descends.

He brushes his lips against mine, softly at
first. Back and forth. His body sways to the same rhythm, back and
forth, rocking against me in an innocent yet incredibly erotic
manner. Part of me wants him to touch me. Part of me knows what
will happen if he does. But knowing that he won’t heightens even
the most insignificant contact.

I feel his lips part. Mine do the same. He
increases the pressure until his mouth rests firmly against mine.
Still, his body sways back and forth the tiniest bit.

His tongue slides along the inside edge of my
lower lip. I open my mouth wider. I feel it slip further inside,
teasing the tip of mine. He licks at it, slowly, like he’s savoring
it. I feel the action of his tongue deep in my stomach, as if he’s
licking me in other places.

My body’s screaming. I feel pressure
building, as though I might explode. And it’s only from a kiss.

But I know I won’t. I never do.

He tilts his head and thrusts his tongue deep
inside my mouth, tangling with mine. I don’t hear his moan. I feel
it. It tingles on my lips and it vibrates through my body like
sound down a tuning fork.

He pulls back. His kiss is light once more,
teasing, until it’s over. Completely.

Alec lifts his head and stares down into my
face. His eyes are hypnotic pools of ink in the lamplight.

“Thank you for a pleasurable evening,” he
says quietly. He takes one step back and reaches for my hand. He
turns it palm up and brushes my fingers before bringing my wrist to
his mouth. He presses his lips to my skin. For a moment, I feel his
tongue against the tender flesh of the inside of my wrist. Just a
flicker, as though he’s tasting. I think of his earlier comment
about my taste. “Good night,” he whispers.

I watch as Alec walks to the door, opens it
and, without a backward glance, disappears into the night.

********

It’s 3 a.m. and I’m restless.

I’m conflicted about…everything. But what
seems to be bothering me most is opposing feelings of relief and
disappointment.

Alec made no mention of seeing me again. At
least not specific plans anyway. And it’s driving me crazy.

I should be thankful. If he disappears, it
would spare me pain and embarrassment. Quite a bit of pain and
embarrassment, actually. And that’s good. And healthy. And
wise.

But part of me doesn’t care about any of
that. Part of me doesn’t care about what’s smart or what makes
sense. Part of me doesn’t want him to disappear. Against my better
judgment, I want to explore him, to see just how Mason-like he
really is. To uncover the irresistible mystery of the man from my
head come to life.

Irritated, I fling back the covers and get
out of bed, padding quietly to the kitchen. Jinx stirs and jumps up
on the counter, arching his back for the stroke he knows is coming.
Obligingly, I rub my hand down his spine. He purrs loudly. The
sound reminds me of the noise Alec made, the one in the back of his
throat when he was kissing me. He almost purred. It gives me chills
just thinking about it.

After he left, I tried to write, but I
couldn’t wrap my head around my characters. Daire and Mason are
suddenly too real, their story too…factual. I found it too hard to
separate the Mason in my imagination from the Alec in my world.

I grab the milk and a packet of hot cocoa and
set them on the counter. I pour a coffee mug two-thirds full of
milk and stick it in the microwave for two minutes. When it’s not
quite boiling, I take it out, tear open the cocoa packet and dump
in the contents. A puff of powder rises up to tease my nose with
the sweet scent of chocolate. This is my one go-to, cure-all for
insomnia.

As I stir the mixture, I hear a muted
blip.
It’s the sound of a text coming in.

“Who could that be, Jinxy?”

My pulse leaps with the hope that it’s Alec.
I try to curb my elation by reminding myself of the strong
possibility that it’s
not
, but still, I’m excited as I cross
the room.

I hurry to my phone, which is still in the
clutch I took to the fundraiser. I must be much more distracted
than I thought to forget about my phone.

I punch the button and slide my finger across
the screen. Even though I was preparing myself, I can’t help but
feel disappointed when I see Chris’s picture.

“Don’t you ever sleep?” I mutter into the
quiet.

You and me. Tomorrow. Seabrook Island. The
turtles are in.

I don’t bother to respond. The instant she
realizes I’m awake, she’ll call me with a thousand questions about
Alec. And right now, I don’t have answers.

********

I glance at my phone for the thousandth time.
10:46. I squeeze more lotion into my palm and rub it onto my
legs.

I’m antsy. Chris is coming to get me at noon.
After
my therapy session.

I sigh just thinking about it. I’ve almost
talked myself into asking for Dr. B’s opinion on the Mason/Alec
situation. Last night, long after my cocoa should’ve worked, I
tossed and turned in bed, wrestling over the wisdom of following my
insane desire for Mason into some crazy thing with Alec.

On the one hand, it has danger and heartache
written all over it. But on the other hand, what if Chris is right?
What if I need this?

After a cup of coffee to revitalize myself
this morning, a cup which had zero effect on my sleepy brain, I
still had no answers, so I took a shower. I mulled as I shaved. The
result was supposed to be an answer. Instead, I stepped out of the
shower with everything from ankle to armpit shaved slick as a
whistle.

Now, as I smooth lotion over my lightly
tanned, hairless skin, I have no better idea what to do about Alec.
If he even wants to see me again, that is.

With a growl, I try to force the situation
from my mind, focusing instead on getting out my supplies for an
at-home mani/pedi. I figure I’ll have just enough time to squeeze
in a quick one after my appointment, but before Chris comes to get
me.

I dump it all on the bed and check the time
again. It’s 10:54.

My phone rings and I jump. Once again, my
first thought is that it might be Alec. As it did before, my heart
races with hope and optimism. But also just as it did before, my
pulse plummets with disappointment when I see that it’s not.

It’s just Ari, my publicist.

It can’t be a good sign that I’m acting like
a crazy-stupid school girl already.

Pushing aside thoughts of Alec, I answer.

“Good morning.”

“Well, good morning to you,” Ari says
pleasantly enough. “Why don’t we keep it that way. You just go
ahead and say ‘yes’ and I won’t waste your time with details.”

“That would be fine if I weren’t a details
person. And if I didn’t suspect you’ve gone and done something I’m
not going to like.”

Although I know that I need to do events and
signings to further my career, Ari knows I dread them. My
insecurities make me much more comfortable with the life of a
hermit.

“Where’s the faith? When have I ever led you
astray?”

I’m not really in the mood for playful
banter. “What’s up?”

“Your presence has been requested at a great
blogger event Monday night.”

When he doesn’t continue, I quickly deduce
that this is not the bad part.

“Okay. What’s the catch?”

His pause tells me that
this
is the
bad part. “It’s in Portland.”

“Portland? Portland, Oregon?”

“Yes.”

I sigh loudly. After giving it a few seconds
of thought, however, I begin to think a short trip might not be
such a bad idea. At the very least, it would be a distraction.

“Is that it?”

“Well…”

Oh, God! There’s more?

“A-ri,” I say warningly.

“Well, there
is
a huge book retailer
out there that is holding a signing and would love for you to
come.” I’m just about to breathe a sigh of relief when he adds, “On
Friday.”

“
What?
That’s almost a week, Ari. You
know I can’t do that.”

“You
can.
You just don’t
want
to.”

“I have responsibilities here. You know
that.”

“You mean the cat.”

“Yes, the cat. Among other things.”

Vaguely, I hope he doesn’t ask for a list.
Sadly, Jinx
is
the biggest reason. Really, there’s no one
else in my life who would miss me if I left for a week. Other than
Chris. And maybe my parents. Besides them, my life is sorely
lacking in loved ones to fill it.

Alec’s face flashes through my mind. If I had
plans with him, my answer would be a definitive no. But I don’t.
Because he hasn’t called.

Maybe it would be good to get away for a
while. Maybe that’s what I need. Maybe my judgment is compromised
by all that has happened lately. By Alec. And Mason.

Impulsively, I agree. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

“You will?”

Judging by his response, Ari really didn’t
think I would. It’s terrible that I give him such a hard time over
things like this, but I really do hate leaving Jinx with Chris. And
Chris hates it, too.

But this time, I think it’s needed.

“Yes. I will.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love
you?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

He gives me the details of my itinerary,
assuring me that all of it is with my assistant, Annabelle, who
will be forwarding the information via email so I won’t forget.

“Thank you so much for doing this. Really. It
will be great for us. For you.”

“Mmm hmm, I like how you added me
second.”

“Hey, what’s good for you is good for all of
us.”

I glance at the clock. Time to go log on for
my session.

“Gotta run, Ari. Will we be flying together?
Or am I meeting you there?”

“I’ll meet you there. I’ll find you at the
baggage claim carousel.”

“Okay. See you then.”

I hang up and go to the secure site Dr. B
uses for therapy. Although I’m still a couple of minutes early, I’m
surprised to see that she hasn’t logged on yet. As I wait, my mind
spins toward Alec once again, Alec and the dilemma I face with him.
Seven minutes have passed by the time Dr. B logs on. It’s just
enough time for me to talk myself into asking her opinion about
Alec.

She should be good enough at her job to be
able to give me sound advice without knowing every detail of my
past yet, right?

I see the notice that she has logged on, and
before she even has a chance to greet me with her usual
brief-but-pleasant therapist “small talk”, I launch into my
question.

(LauraDrake): I know you have lots of
delving into my past to do, but I have a question. I need your
advice about something, if you don’t mind.

There’s a short pause during which I wonder
if she’s considering if she should agree or stick to her own
methodical psychological dissection.

I’m pleasantly surprised and relieved when
she agrees. Well, when she
sort of
agrees.

(Buraquinho_Dr): What’s the question?

It’s my turn to pause as I think of the best
way to word it. It doesn’t take me long to realize that I won’t be
able to get her best guidance if I don’t go ahead and tell her at
least a little bit of what my problem with Alec is.

(LauraDrake): For reasons we have yet to
discuss, I haven’t been able to have an orgasm. It has to do with
some things that happened to me when I was younger. The problem is
that it’s very problematic in any sexual relationship I
attempt.

There’s only a short pause.

(Buraquinho_Dr): Go on.

So I do.

(LauraDrake): I’ve met someone. He reminds
me of Mason Strait, my main male character. I know that’s probably
a whole session right there, but I need more immediate help.

I frown when I read her response.

(Buraquinho_Dr): So what’s your
question?

I don’t want to get into a discussion about
Alec per se. I just want to know if engaging in a sexual
relationship with him could possibly help me.

(LauraDrake): I’m considering a sexual
relationship, but they always end badly. Devastatingly, actually.
It’s been a couple of years since I’ve even attempted it. I’ve not
really been interested until now.