Unorthodox Therapy (53 page)

When she came down from her high I ordered her to stop and cupped her face so I could capture the expression of release, happiness and satisfaction.

Chances were this would be the last time I'd revel in her afterglow.

Just one more night to forget.

***

There was no easy way to tell Lina about my decision. I felt like a complete coward, as if I was choosing the convenient path. If there was one thing life had taught me it was that you should want the best for those you love, but the best didn't always coincide with what they wanted.

Right then, Lina was convinced giving her freedom away and turning into my obedient slave would be the answer to her problems. She was adamant she wanted it. I wasn't sure my pet knew where her true desires were, though.

I took her out for a walk in our favorite park the day after our passionate love making. She looked so happy, holding my hand and occasionally leaning her head on my shoulder. We were just like any normal couple. For a moment, the sweetness of the illusion allured me. Maybe it would wait just one more day. Tomorrow I'd have the strength to do the right thing. Would it be so bad if I had those last minutes of happiness?

Deep down, I knew the answer.

Lina felt my solemn mood and raised her eyes. She looked so beautiful in that moment, so close and yet unattainable. I took a moment to remember her long, flowing hair in the spring wind, the sensual curve of her lips and body, the gleam in her eyes.

“You're very quiet today. Is something wrong?” Panic that had once been so untypical of her showed when we sat down on a free bench. “Have I... Have I done something wrong? I really thought you'd be happy.” Lina lowered her gaze to our interwoven hands, just like a reprimanded schoolgirl who expected to be punished.

That attitude urged me to get through with the most painful conversation of my life. I caressed her face and spoke in the most gentle tone.

“Look at me, pet.” She followed my order hesitantly and gave me a shy smile. Why did it have to be so difficult? My throat hurt when the next words escaped my lips.

“I love you, Lina.”

Her cheeks beamed with an unexpected color and she pounced on me, kissing me with her typical hunger. I'd miss my insatiable tigress, the way she could never get enough of the pleasure we shared.

We pressed our foreheads together and stayed like that for a long time, holding hands and enjoying our warmth. Finally, the strength to continue came back to me.

“I want you to remember that.”

She narrowed her eyes at my words and shivered with discomfort.

“Of course, Thomas. I love you too. I wouldn't offer what I want to do to just anyone.”

I interrupted her with a finger against her lips.

“Please, let me finish.” The pillow of my finger pressed against the seductive flesh of her mouth. Why couldn't I be more irresponsible? Why couldn’t I just accept what she gave me without questioning it? “I never wanted any woman like I want you. Your submission is something I've craved since we met. I still desire you to be my cherished pet and lover. I don't want any barriers between us. Nothing would satisfy me more than you surrendering your walls and letting me in completely.”

“That's what I want, too, Thomas,” she answered with despair and tried to pull me closer.

“No.” I shook my head and placed my hands on both sides of her head. “You said you wanted to be my slave.”

“Those are just words. I'll be whatever you want me to be.” Her horror at my rejection was so obvious and I felt like a total asshole for what I was about to do.

“I don't want you to be anything other than the natural woman you are, Lina. The woman I fell for.” I kissed her softly and caressed her back in an attempt to comfort her. “But what you offered me isn't what you want, pet. You're terrified of going back to the real world.”

“What?” She furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head in confusion. “No. This is–”

“It will be a nightmare when you go back to work and face everything that’s happened in your absence. So instead of putting yourself through it, you’d prefer to hide in me, at my feet. It's no life for a woman like you.”

Lina sighed and wrapped her arms around my neck. Tears were swimming in her eyes but she wouldn't let them fall just yet. She whispered her next words with heartbreaking sincerity.

“A woman like me? A strong, fearless leader? Maybe I'm tired of being strong. I've been fighting for respect all my life. Is it so wrong that all I want right now is to be loved?”

“I do love you, Lina. That's why I can't allow you to destroy yourself. If I thought you'd be happy with the life of a 24/7 slave, I'd put a collar on you instantly.” I embraced her and she searched my warmth like a shivering kitten in the cold. “But you're too vulnerable right now. What happened to you is enough to drive even the strongest person out of their mind. You can't make such important decisions under duress, and certainly not with me around you.”

She pressed her cheek to my chest even harder than before and asked me in a shaky, broken voice,

“You're leaving me, aren't you?”

“No. Please don't put it that way.” I kissed her lips to convey my passion but there was no use. Lina was trembling, struck by the hurt, feeling rejected. “I'll always be your support, someone you can rely on, your friend.”

“Friend?” She spat out the word with disgust. “You think we can be friends when I love you so much it hurts? Thomas, if you want to leave me, fine, but at least be honest.”

“Hey, hey, calm down now.” I kept her in place when she tried to get up and leave. “Lina, I need us to be apart from each other for a time. Maybe a few months, maybe a year, as long as it takes for you to heal and figure out what you want.”

“I can tell it to you right now.” Her anger faded as quickly as it had risen. “I want you. It took that night with Seth to figure it out. Please, don't leave because of what happened with him. I know and trust you. You're nothing like him.”

“Maybe I am.” I shivered under her touch. It would be so easy to let her persuade me. “Or have you forgotten about the night in the dungeon?”

“You more than made up for what happened then, Thomas.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks as Lina gave in to the pain. “You're nothing like him.”

“Perhaps you're right.” I pulled her away from me and held her hands. Seeing her in so much pain was killing me. She was so close, just out of my reach, and I was denying us both what we craved. It was cruel but necessary. I preferred to suffer now than bring destruction to both of us. “But I know if I stay around you a little longer I won't be able to control myself. I don't want to cloud your judgment, and when it comes to you, I'm a desperate addict.”

I embraced Lina for what could be truly the last time. She didn't have the power to reject me or walk away. Or perhaps she just hoped her closeness would be enough to make me change my mind.

“I'll resign from ChaosTech on Monday. We can still talk whenever you want, whenever you feel scared or panicked, but this is a battle you must face by yourself, without my help or that of cigarettes.” I choked at those last words and buried my face in her hair. A wave of self-hatred hit me so strongly I thought I could die.

“So I'm not only losing my lover but one of my best programmers and most loyal employees. You don't have to leave.” Lina looked at me with tearful eyes. Her body was shaking in my arms but she tried to remain calm. “I won't try to make your life difficult.”

“I never thought you would, but it would kill me to see you every day and know I can't be with you.”

“You can.” She kept on kissing me and every small brush of her lips was agonizing, as if she was cutting me. “I've been yours for a very long time.”

“Lina, if I stayed with you, I couldn't resist. I'd make you submit to me or give in to your offer to become a slave. If you were my pet again, I’d want to know it was what you wanted and you gave your consent because it was what you chose with a clear mind. Not because you wanted to hide in another addiction.”

“What if we forget about last night?” Lina looked up at me fearfully, with a hope I didn't have the heart to crush. But I had to.

“Remember what you told me about sweeping problems under the rug? That is what we’d do if we choose to forget last night. And please...” I wiped her tears and stared at her. “Don't ever think it's because of something you did. You're my perfect pet. Maybe after some time passes, when our wounds heal... But now I need to steer clear of you.”

Lina nodded and hugged me one more time, resting her head close to my heart. It would have been amazing if we could have stayed like that forever, without the world and its complications, but I knew the problem was not with the world itself. When she moved away from me and tried to get up, I grabbed her by the face and drew her in for a final kiss. My tongue slid deep into her mouth and stole her breath. Just as expected, Lina responded with all the passion, violence and despair she could throw into a single kiss. Her teeth sank into my bottom lip and she opened my mouth wider. We were savoring each other for the last time, saving a warm memory for the long, cold separation ahead of us. For the first time in my life, I reveled in the pain of her vicious bite and the sweetness with which she licked my lips and pulled me closer. I earned it all, the pleasure, the pain, the heartbreak and punishment.

When we broke our kiss, I reached into my pocket and pulled a red leather collar out. It was much more beautiful and classy than the cookie cutter training one I’d given her. It matched the color of her red leather boots. She would have looked beautiful wearing it. The silver plate at the center of it stated simply
My Tigress
.

Lina stared at me in confusion and frowned as her fingers caressed the accessory.

“Why are you giving this to me?” she asked and stared down at the shiny plate.

“I want you to have it. I had it ordered shortly before the scandal with the pictures and planned to... well, give it to you once we finally had our ocean side weekend.”

I smiled with sadness and felt tears forming in my eyes. “Accept it as a token, a memory of what we were together. Even if we can't find each other again, I want you to have a physical memory, something to hold on to when everything else fades away in time.” My voice cracked as I tried not to touch her.

“Do you really think I could forget you, even without the collar?” She clutched it.

“No. I'll never forget you either, my pet.” I gave her my bravest possible smile and squeezed her hand for a moment. “You're truly an amazing woman and deserve to be treated as such. Go back to work on Monday and face them all. Consider that my last order as your Master.”

Two hours later when I parked my car in front of my house, the pain of separation I'd been pushing aside hit me full force. I hoped I'd be relieved. The last months with Lina had hardly been a fairy tale. A young man like me was meant to feel better in a selfish way once he'd earned his freedom back. It was a burden, so why did I feel like someone had just ripped out my insides?

The trouble and all the care Lina had required the past two months were insignificant in the bigger picture of our time together. All I could remember were the details of her – her smile, her different expressions, each change of her mood, the way her body tensed in the throes of passion, her secrets, our conversations. She could be so tender one minute and so ferocious the next. Every single moment I’d shared with my boss all these years resurfaced and pain washed over me like acid.

I had her. My pet, my love, my best friend, the missing piece in the puzzle of my life.

And I’d given it all up. Maybe it was the right decision but that didn't help me feel any better when all I could think about was how much I'd miss her.

It was so difficult not to turn around and go back to her.

I rested my head on the wheel and burst into tears that soon turned into sobs of agony. For the first time in my adult life, I allowed myself to cry.

It was too late.

Somewhere behind me, she had to get up and face another battle by herself.

And all I had left was to face the consequences of my choice.

Was I strong or weak, a coward or a brave man for walking away from the woman of my dreams when our feelings were just as clear as crimson stripes on flesh?

I'll leave it to you to give me the answer. My heart was too busy bleeding.

EPILOGUE

Lina

He was gone.

I could fool myself, try to believe it was a temporary break up. Maybe some day I'd feel Thomas next to me and be complete again. None of those statements could sugarcoat the truth. My Master, my lover, my protégé, the only man who ever understood me was out of my life.

Whether or not he would come back was completely immaterial. He was gone and I was alone again, trying to pick up the pieces of my previous self. Would that be possible? How was I supposed to go back to ordinary life, experience the old emotions and not feel as if a part of me had been cut away forever?

Tears were drying on my face and the wind blew in my hair while I stood on the balcony in an attempt to calm my raging thoughts. For a brief moment, I turned back to the bedroom. My red collar was still lying on the floor.