Unknown (11 page)

A lot of heaviness had fallen over my life. I was on some kind of suicide mission/pity party/solo honeymoon- why not amp up the miserable-level to a thousand percent by abandoning my morals for a night of unforgettable hedonism?

Although the kitchen was cleaned earlier, I re-wiped the surfaces once more, searching for any rogue crumbs or spots I missed. A small smile curved my lips once I finished; as expected, I didn’t miss a single spot. A least one thing in my life was perfect.

I started opening doors on the first level of the cabin until I found the vacuum cleaner. I plugged it in and walked over to the couch, shaking my head once I lifted a cushion. The thing was filthy. I bet it hadn’t been cleaned since it was purchased.

I sucked up the crumbs on the couch before moving to the various area rugs throughout the house.

On my way upstairs with the vacuum, I tripped up a step. I laughed out loud and then turned around as if someone were with me to share the moment. And then I remembered that I was alone, and it was probably because I usually didn’t find much humor in moments like that.

Normal Shae would have recovered with grace as if nothing ever happened, scowling in the direction of anyone who chose to laugh. But normal Shae was on hiatus as my descent into madness slowly continued.

The person I was supposed to share my laughter with was currently doing so with another- probably because sharing laughter was never a part of our relationship.

An image flashed in my mind of the two of them entering the cabin for the first time, walking out to view the gorgeous lake only to see my dead, floating corpse- ruining their trip.

I wondered if they would’ve felt guilty. I wondered if it would’ve affected them at all- they obviously didn’t share too much concern for me.

Luckily for them, a complete stranger was concerned enough to stop me from making that mistake.

My eyes widened in delight when I found a fresh patch of dirt in the upstairs guest bathroom. The shower was clean, but there was a faded line of grime along the edges- nothing a little elbow grease wouldn’t get out.

By the time I finished, I was certain it was cleaner than when it was brand new. I wiped the water spots from the mirror, scrubbed the already clean toilet, shook out the floor mat, and wiped the sink.

But I didn’t feel my usual burst of pleasure at my immaculate work. I coiled the cord back around the vacuum. If cleaning wasn’t enough to boost my mood, I had a plan B that certainly would.

After replacing the vacuum, I walked to the pantry. I grabbed a few snacks, a can of soda, and sat at the dining room table. The longer I sat there, the more my thoughts raced. I suppressed the nagging voice in my head by focusing on the sound of chips crunching in my mouth.

The helplessness that had been sitting in the back of my mind since arriving was back to the surface. Time to head back home, back to life- a life I thought I was done with. What was I going to do now? How was I going to get over the betrayal?

I wasn’t the best at approaching men; the fact that I met Reggie was nothing short of a miracle. Was I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Would I be able to trust again?

I looked down at the bag of chips I’d opened- nothing but crumbs. I crumbled up the bag and tossed it across the table. I didn’t have a clock nearby, but I knew the bag got eaten in mere minutes.

I scowled as I reached for the snack cakes near me. I could control my emotions, my thoughts, and my mouth, but the one thing I couldn’t control was my eating. And that’s why I was alone.

My eyes narrowed as I inspected my thickness. Instead of trying to rectify my behavior, I stuck a cake in my mouth.

Growing up, there were very few consistencies in my life. Very few good things. But through everything I’d been through in my childhood and with Reggie, I’d had a little help from some friends along the way: Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Duncan Hines, to name a few. I needed to give them up, but what was the point of giving up what was always there for me?

I amassed a pile of wrappers and bags on the table, and the sight of my consumed food disgusted me. Everything I enjoyed was bad for me: Derek, snack cakes, even my scalding hot showers tore up my skin. It was the curse of my life- nothing was allowed to go right for me.

It had always been that way, and always would be. Derek spoke about my controlling ways, but that just proved how little he knew of my situation. I wasn’t trying to control everything, to nitpick my surroundings. I was just doing
any
little thing I could think of to keep the house of cards I called my life from collapsing.

The older I got, the more I learned what little impact our actions have on our lives. Fate had everything figured out already, and every time I tried to do something positive in my life, she laughed at my naivety. Maybe it was time for the beast to take over. My life was screwed either way, why not have a little fun?

I shook the thoughts away. I couldn’t think like that. I’d decided I wanted to live, and I needed to take care of my life. No, I needed to get back to the old me.

I wanted all of it out of me- the food, the guilt about my actions causing Reggie to leave, the guilt about sleeping with (and enjoying) a stranger, the helplessness. I rushed to the bathroom, blinking back tears.

I stuck my finger down my throat until my esophagus burned from rawness, until nothing would come up- no more food, no more bile, not even a dry heave of air.

I collapsed on the floor next to the toilet, catching my breath. My ears rang as I listened to my screaming thoughts. I bit down until my jaw ached, fighting the tremors that were trying to overtake me.

“No. No.”

I shook my head until my vision blurred. I told myself the day before that I was crying for Reggie for the last time. And I may have been crazy, slightly off my rocker, but I wasn’t a liar.

There was so much in my life I couldn’t control, but I could control my integrity. When I burned my wedding dress, I told myself that was it. No more Reggie.

I stood and dusted off my pants and straightened the gold scarf around my neck. I rinsed the tang of bile out of my mouth and slicked back the few stray hairs that escaped my bun, tucking away the loose strands until it was as sleek as ever.

I inspected myself in the mirror. Derek pulled me off that lake- quite easily. Since then, the thought to go back hadn’t occurred to me- and that’s how I knew I was making the right decision. Despite everything, I
wanted
to live. I wanted a chance to be happy in this life. I just had to find a way.

The first thing to do was to get back home, to my life. I took a calming breath. Like always, I had to remind myself to be thankful for what I did have, to be thankful I was alive.

Derek was a blessing in disguise. He saved me, and kept me busy with his antics, giving my emotions a chance to reset. When I got back home, I’d be able to sort things out more clearly after taking a few days off.

He was aggravating, but I wouldn’t have wanted the previous few days to have been with anyone else. Honestly, I was going to miss him.

I was realistic about what was going on between us. Sure, he took a vested interest in me, and I believed he truly wanted to make sure I was okay, but what we had was a temporary fling. When we left this cabin, we were going back to our lives- business as usual.

He wouldn’t even tell me how old he was- he wanted to remain a mystery, and that was fine by me. He was nothing but an interesting story to reflect on years later.

We served our purpose for each other- he saved me, and I provided companionship for him. Win-win.

I left the bathroom feeling ten pounds lighter- and not just because my stomach was empty. There were many things out of my control, but at that moment, I felt like it was going to be alright.

I cleaned up the food wrappers just as Derek walked back in.

11

“It smells like bleach in here.”

“I did a little cleaning,” I said as he walked up to me.

He flashed me a smile, and I allowed myself to swoon without guilt.

“Why are you smiling?” I asked.

“Why are
you
smiling? This is a rare treat,” he said as he approached.

I shrugged, wiping the dining room table with a disinfectant wipe. “In a random good mood, I suppose.”

My body tensed when he reached for me, adjusting my scarf. I was sure I did a terrible job at concealing my desire as his fingers grazed across my skin.

Glancing up at him through my thick eyelashes, I turned to him. “Do you hate today’s outfit as well?”

“Yes, but it doesn’t matter what you wear. You’re always gorgeous.”

“Thanks.”

I turned my head away when my smile widened at his compliment. He grabbed my chin and forced our eyes to meet again.

“Why do you always turn away when I try to compliment you?”

I hoped he couldn’t see my cheeks heating under my dark skin, but I knew he did when he smiled, trailing his thumbs over my blush.

“I guess I’m just not used to being complimented anymore.”

He released me, his eyes slowly trailing down the length of my body.

“Well, that’s just crazy. I can think of an entire list of compliments for you; I don’t think I could ever run out.”

I walked to the trash to dump the disinfectant wipe, but it was mainly to hide away from his gaze.

“You’re overselling it now. I’m not
that
impressive.”

My lungs seized mid-breath as he came up behind me and wrapped an arm around my waist. My cheeks were getting sore from smiling. Yeah, I was going to miss this guy.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as his breath tickled my skin. I leaned towards him, discreetly trying to get his lips to touch me, but it didn’t work.

“I don’t think it’s overselling at all. Your skin is the color of rich caramel,” he said, planting a kiss on my shoulder. “Which is just so fitting by how sweet you taste. Your curves are more intoxicating than any drink I’ve ever had. I could never get bored exploring your body. And fuck, that pussy of yours…”

“Okay, alright.”

I stepped away, although I really wanted to hear the rest of what he wanted to say. I removed my scarf from around my neck, my skin prickling with sweat from his heated words.

I opened my mouth to reply, but I’d never been spoken to like that before and wasn’t sure how to respond.

Derek laughed. “I’m sorry, was I too blunt for you?”

“That mouth of yours can get out of hand sometimes,” I said, trying to calm myself down.

He laughed, and as he took a step closer to me, I immediately knew I wasn’t doing a great job at de-escalating the situation.

“Well from what I recall, you like this mouth of mine.”

I don’t know how I ended up pinned between him and the kitchen counter, but I was ready to take my sweater off as well- to cool off, not for illicit purposes, of course.

He trailed his index finger along my collarbone. “You’ve spent your entire life trying to be a good girl, you don’t even know you’re dirty at heart. Don’t worry, I’ll break you in.”

I pulled down on my sweater. “Just because I’ve enjoyed my…
vacation
and let loose a bit does not make me dirty. It’s normal to be curious about new things. I’m sure it will pass soon.”

“Say fuck.”

My eyes narrowed into barely open slits. “What?”

He pressed harder into me, and a growing erection poked between us. He took a quick nibble of my ear before whispering.

“Say ‘fuck.’ I want to hear my bad girl explore her dirty side.”

I scoffed. “No way!”

His fingers trailed up my head to my scalp, and he grabbed a handful of my hair, yanking my head. The aggression shocked me, but I couldn’t force myself to move away.

“I’ll have you spewing all types of filth before I’m done with you.”

I straightened my bun when he released my hair, shaking my head. “Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, but I’m not going to engage in whatever this is.”

“Oh, yes you will. And you’re going to like it.”

I continued shaking my head, walking off to the bathroom. I didn’t have to pee, but I needed to get away from him. No matter how many times I said no, no matter how many times I shook my head, in my mind I knew he was right. And that was the exact reason why I had to get on that plane in the morning.

I leaned against the bathroom door, looking down at my heaving chest. I swiped away the moisture on the back of my neck, my hand drifting over my throbbing sex. I scoffed; I’d never touched myself down there before, and I wasn’t about to start.

Once I got home and out of Derek’s deadly orbit, the feelings would pass.

I’d never reacted to a man the way I reacted to Derek. I felt like a different person when I was with him. Things I would never normally do, I had no problem doing with him. Maybe it was because I didn’t feel judged by him. Maybe it was because I knew we’d part soon. Whatever the reason, it needed to stop.

It had to be the trip. People do crazy things while on vacation. Once I was back home, I would be back to my regular self.

I groaned when I left the bathroom. Derek was sitting on the couch eyeing me- with a bag of chips on his lap.

“I just vacuumed the couch!”

He looked down at the cushions. “Did you? Thanks; I appreciate it.”

I huffed, my fists balled. “Don’t get any crumbs on it!”

He took my stance as a threat, and he was ready for the challenge. My eyes widened in horror as he lifted the bag and tilted it horizontally over the couch.

His gaze never left mine as he slowly continued the rotation, dumping a pile of chips right on the cushion. He pinched a chip between his thumb and forefinger, carefully placing it between his lips. He chewed it with a smile, as if that particular chip was tastier than the rest. I groaned as he continued eating from the pile.

“You are so
irritating!
You’re impossible. You’re doing that
just
to annoy me!”

“I’m doing it to help you unclench your ass. I’m eating off the couch and the world didn’t end. Calm down.”