He dreamed about what happened with his unit.
God.
Worry suffusing me, or, it should be said,
more
worry, I placed my hand light on his chest and asked carefully, “Does this happen
often?”
“Not anymore. Not since you. But it happens.”
That felt good
,
but it was also bad.
“Have you talked to anyone about it?” I asked.
“Yeah. Just now. You.”
I was his “reward”. I gave him whatever it was he needed to feel like he might begin
to battle the burn.
I loved that. I loved it a lot.
But I was no miracle worker.
“I was thinking more like one of your buddies,” I suggested.
“That’s not gonna fuckin’ happen.”
I went silent.
Macho man, too strong to share, to release, to let go.
Darn.
“I’ll get a handle on it,” he told me.
I stayed silent.
He lifted up, his arms closed around me and he moved us to our sides, face to face.
“With you, it’s goin’ away,” he assured me.
“Okay,” I replied.
“Give it time, they’ll be gone.”
“Okay, honey.”
His lips found mine in the dark for a touch before he rolled to his back taking me
with him so I was tucked to his side. Then he lifted a hand and sifted it through
my hair again and again
,
and as he did this, I felt the tension ebb from his body. So I lay there with him,
cuddled close, holding him tight.
Eventually, his hand stopped sifting through my hair and his arm wrapped around me.
Minutes later, it went slack and I knew he was asleep.
I didn’t sleep.
I prayed Raiden Miller found it in himself to get a handle on his dreams.
Because if he hadn’t come to after he reared back to strike me it would absolutely
not be good.
It was a useful reminder to me that hellfires burned all the time.
Even in sleep.
And I was no miracle worker
,
but if Raid didn’t get a handle on these dreams I was going to have to find a way
to learn to be.
For him
and
for me.
* * * * *
In the last six weeks I also had time to check in with KC and fill her in. I didn’t
go for the gusto
,
but I did share that things were good in a way they’d be that way for what could
be ever.
She was beside herself with glee.
But I waited until Raid was away on a job before I went to her house for dinner and
laid it out.
KC had been at her stove, stirring while I sat at her kitchen table with her baby
girl, Samantha. Samantha’s feet were planted in my thighs, her chubby fingers gripping
mine and her plump legs were bouncing when I shared what I could. That was to say,
not much of anything, including Raid’s dreams, but I shared my concerns about Raiden
being scary bossy
,
and adding getting physical to that scary.
This got me a weird response.
KC burst out laughing.
I turned to look at my friend with her shining, to-the-shoulder light brown hair,
her bright, wide hazel eyes and seven months pregnant belly and I said quietly but
with meaning, “KC, seriously. It freaks me.”
She trained those hazel eyes on me, still smiling. “Okay, babe. But get over that.”
“Sorry?” I asked.
“Uh… with your, mine and the female half of Willow’s citizenry avid contemplation,
I don’t think it’s lost on any of us that Raiden Ulysses Miller has got a big dick.”
He did, this was true. I had seen the physical evidence up close (and felt it, sucked
it, stroked it, etc.)
,
but I was hoping the female half of Willow’s citizenry had not.
“You might want to explain that,” I suggested as Sam lunged forward and giggled
,
so I wrapped my arms around her and took over the bouncing.
KC’s eyes moved to her daughter then took in her daughter with me and her face got
soft.
Then she spoke.
“Right. The dudes you picked in the past,” she shook her head, “not all that. Except
Pete was okay
,
but he was no Raiden Miller.”
“You’re telling me something I know already,” I pointed out.
She put the spoon in a spoon holder, turned down the burner on the stove and her attention
to me.
“What I’m saying is, you don’t have experience of men who are
men.
I know you have issues with Mark
,
and I love you more than I already loved you that you’ve kept those to yourself.
I hope it’s because you understand I’m not an idiot and I wouldn’t put up with his
shit if it wasn’t worth putting up with. And he gives me shit, Hanna. He’s arrogant
,
and that can sometimes, not often, lean toward him being a jackass. But he loves
me. He loves Sam. He finds ways to show us that every day. No, that isn’t right. He
doesn’t
find
them. He just
does
it, no effort. He gives it naturally.
And
I know he’d die before he let anything harm either of us,” she put a hand to her
protruding belly, “
any
of us.”
That was huge.
And beautiful.
And something I never knew because I never brought it up.
“Holy Moses, KC,” was all I could think to reply.
“So,” she went on brightly, grinning at me, “when he’s an arrogant ass, tells me what
to do or whatever, acting totally like we’d been hurtled back to the 1500’s and I
was his chattel, I smile, nod and do whatever I want.”
I thought about doing this with Raiden and it didn’t give me the warm fuzzies.
KC read my face, wagged a finger at me and kept talking.
“This is what you have to learn. Don’t backtalk. Don’t explain. Don’t protest. Don’t
fight it out. Just say, ‘All right, honey,’ and do whatever the hell you want. For
example, just this morning, Mark said, ‘Make tacos tonight, babe,’ before he kissed
me good-bye. No ‘please’. No, ‘are you feeling like tacos?’ Just ‘make them.’” She
tipped her head to the side. “Now, are we having tacos?” She shook her head. “Hell
no. We had tacos two days ago. I get he loves my tacos
,
but eff that. My friend is coming over and I just had tacos. Furthermore, I have
to make the damn things. So we’re having a roast. You serve company a good roast.
Not freaking tacos.”
She moved to the fridge while I asked, “Isn’t he going to be ticked?”
She yanked something out of the fridge as Sam slurped at my neck and I cuddled her
closer.
KC turned to me and closed the fridge. “Do I care? If he wants tacos, he can come
home and make them.”
“So he doesn’t get ticked?” I pushed.
“If he does, he keeps it to himself. Usually he just shakes his head and grins at
me then gets a beer. I’ve decided to take that as him accepting the woman whose ring
he slid his finger on. If he’s storing this shit up to list it out in the divorce
papers, so be it. His loss.”
If Mark was doing that, it
would
be his loss.
Absolutely.
But I was getting the feeling Mark would never do that.
KC moved back to the stove as I asked cautiously, “But does he get physical?”
She poured something in a pan and turned to me. “No. That said, when he says something
like he’s going to change locks to keep me safe, I don’t argue with him. That’s his
job. I give him the freedom to do that.”
“So you think it’s okay that Raiden did what he did?” I pushed.
“I think he didn’t hurt you and I think he could, easily. I think what that said was,
you were standing in the way of him doing something he thought was important, that
something was looking out for you
,
so it actually
was
important and he did what he said he was doing. He got you to shut up and pay attention.
It isn’t me, babe, who can say if that’s right or wrong. I wasn’t there. You gave
me what you gave me
,
so I only have that to go on
,
and this is my opinion
. I
t doesn’t have to be yours. But if he doesn’t hurt you, hit you, smack you, shake
you but simply moves to make a point that you need to shut up and listen to him because
he’s relaying something important, honestly, Hanna, I cannot think that’s wrong.”
“He backs me into walls,” I blurted.
She blinked before she whispered, “What?”
“Well, we’ve had some kind of…
intense
conversations,” I thought it safe to share. “One, well, I mistook his intentions
about me and accused him of using me…” Her eyes got big and I held onto Sam with one
arm but waved my other hand in front of my face. “Long story
,
and not for now
,
but he kind of lost it when I wouldn’t listen to him. He backed me into a wall, caging
me in, got in my face and explained he is most definitely into me.”
When I was done speaking, her lips were parted and her eyes were glazed.
“KC?” I called when she didn’t say anything.
“Shh,” she shushed me. “I’m having an orgasm.”
It was my turn to blink.
“What?” I asked.
KC came back into the room and focused on me.
“Honey, in
the
bedroom department, Mark rocks my world, every time.
Every time
. He does not mess around and has made it clear from the very beginning he has two
priorities when we hit the sheets
,
and the first one is me. No joke. And my man is
hot.
Yum…
mee.
Four years of marriage, a kid and one on the way and I still get a shiver just hearing
his car pull up the drive. And still, the thought of Raiden Ulysses Miller backing
me into the wall and telling me he’s into me. Instant orgasm.”
“But
…
it scares me,” I told her.
“Then start paying more attention to
him and less to whatever it is mucking up your head,” she returned. “Honestly, Hanna,
with how cute
,
pretty, funny and sweet you are, plus those legs
,
which I would murder for, I do not get and never have
, and I’ve told you that a million times,
why you’re so damned shy and don’t know down to your bones you deserve a guy like
Raiden Miller. But that’s you and I love you
,
so…
” she shrugged, “
whatever. I’m assuming that he again
didn’t hurt you
. He
just wanted your attention
,
and babe, he’s got a
fine way of doing that
,
which a lot of women would
pay
him to do with them.”
“Maybe I should explain more around how that came about and you’d understand,” I suggested.
“
No,” she shook her head. “Maybe you should stop trying so damned hard to find fault
in him or yourself or how you both are together and just accept him for who he is
and how he is
a
s he’s obviously doing with you.
I get you wouldn’t quite believe, after years of crushing on that guy, that this
can be real and it’s all going to go up in a puff of smoke, but girl, the time is
nigh
to believe.
”
My breath caught at what she said, all it meant and just how true it was.
KC wasn’t done.
“Hanna, babe, I haven’t seen it
,
but word on the street is that you’ve got that man caught so tight in your snare
he’s never going to get loose. But the thing is, he has no intention of trying. The
whole town
knows this.
The only one who doesn’t
is you.
”
Oh my
God
.
She was right about that
,
too!
KC kept on talking.
“Now, what you have to get is that he is who he is and he does what he does
,
and none of it, girl, with the
way
he is, is a surprise. This would be a different conversation if he took his hands
to you, caused you pain, said shit that made you feel like dirt
,
but what you’ve said, he does the opposite. I’m not saying you need to be a timid
little mouse and let him walk all over you. Get in his face. Make him back you in
a corner. But then see it for what it is. Babe, if he cares about you and what you
two are talking about so much he cages you in and gets in your face, that says
volumes.
Intense discussions, hell, even fights mean there’s
feeling.
It means that what you two are building is worth it to him. If he didn’t give a shit,
if he thought you were a pain in the ass, he knows he can get it good elsewhere, so
he wouldn’t put any effort into it and he’d just walk away.”