“How else am I supposed to meet nice guys?” he’d asked. “When I’m not working, I’m running around town with the vampire queen. Or trying to prevent the Antichrist from taking over the world. Now, I’ve found a group for single parents who work odd hours. Tonight’s mocktails-and-playdates night. I gotta have a prop. So hand him over—don’t look at me like that. He’ll be perfectly safe. I’m a doctor, and he’s immune to anything weird.”
I’d had my doubts at the time—not about Marc’s babysitting skills, which were terrific. But we’d had weirder adventures spring up from even more innocuous events. I was getting sooo paranoid in my thirties.
Now, of course, I was thrilled the baby was out of the house, and would be all night. My mom was out of town, attending a Civil War convention in Virginia. Which was just as well—she disliked having her dead ex-husband’s infant dumped in her lap.
As for Sinclair, I had no idea where he was—and didn’t want to know. I wasn’t up for another confrontation. Although I’m not sure confrontation was the right word, since most of the talking had been on my end. He almost couldn’t be bothered to be in the argument with me. I’d never seen someone be distant and terrifying at the same time.
But fortunately—unfortunately, I meant; sorry, a minor slip, un, un,
un!
—unfortunately my sister needed my help. Marital woes would have to wait. I would quit wondering about everyone’s convenient absences and be grateful for them instead.
“Laura? You said you’d been sick for a while. So, how long?”
“When I’m not sick, I dream. Sometimes both.”
“Sorry?” I doubt I would have caught that, if not for vampire hearing. “You dream?”
“About my mother. About hell.”
“When?”
“Mmmms prbbbl insll.”
“Huh?”
“Almost every night.”
I stared at her across the marble countertop. She’d started nibbling on her fingernails, when normally her hands were beautiful and her nails neatly trimmed and filed ... how many other new habits had she picked up? What else hadn’t I noticed?
Even a year ago, I’d be ass deep in this and still oblivious to all the danger. But I never realized that all experience could do for me was assure me, every day, that however bad things were, they’d get worse.
Experience wasn’t keeping me out of a jam. It was just making me scared and nervous. So what the hell was it good for?
“You dream about hell. Every night.”
She spit out a hangnail, which I took as an affirmative.
“And now you’re waking up inside sculptures. When you aren’t using your secret devil power to speak every language on earth.”
“Mmmm.”
I couldn’t believe I was going to do it. I couldn’t believe I was even thinking it. But this stuff was way over my head. Shit, vampire stuff was way over my head. And I wasn’t smart enough to think of another way to go. I mean, you could take that one to the bank, pretty much every time.
“I think ... I think we need to talk to your mother.”
She sighed. “Yes.”
“Now, before you freak out, just think about—what?”
“I agree. I think it’s all we can do. I can’t think of anything else, either.”
Nuts. I was sort of hoping she’d send up a storm of shrill protests. Or hit me over the head until I blacked out.
“I think she can help you.” Probably. “She can help both of us.” Probably.
Question was: Would she?
The scarier question: Why would she?
I’ve already forgiven you that little bit of criminal assault, so it will all be behind us tomorrow. You need not fear to call on me.
Dammit!
“I’m not gonna lie. I don’t like where this is going.”
“It’s good you didn’t lie, then.”
“Hilarious. But this has barely started and already I don’t like the smell. I think it’s gonna be one of those things that starts off mildly worrisome and turns into screaming, shrieking death for at least half a dozen people.”
The Antichrist sighed. “I think you’re right. Maybe you should have left me in the spoon and hoped for the best.”
“No, no, no. I was glad to get out of the house. It was a pleasure. I needed some air. And to, uh, put more mileage on my car. So it was good that you called from a rapist’s cell phone to tell me your ass cheeks were sticking to a giant spoon.”
Laura laughed so hard she fell off of the bar stool in a tangle of long, graceful limbs, which made me feel better. I was pretty sure the hyuk-yuks were over for a while, so I was gonna take what I could.
“All right, it sounds like we’re both on the same page. We’ll go.”
My sister looked relieved, which was an improvement over looking suicidal (or homicidal, come to think of it). “Right now?”
“Just a sec—let me go pack an overnight bag.”
The Antichrist blinked. “Why?”
“Why? Laura, we’re going to hell. Of our own free will. I can’t think of a place where I’d need to pack a bag
more.”
“But—”
I was already off the bar stool and headed for the swinging door. “I’d bring a change of clothes to the gym, but not hell? Good God, Laura, what’s the matter with you?”
“Many, many things.” She was giving me the strangest look—probably because she hadn’t thought of this stuff herself Well, I could throw in an extra pair of leggings for her. But only if she was nice! And didn’t take over the world in a sinister rain of blood and fire.
Packing didn’t take long. I grabbed my new Burberry bag, which had been a just-thinking-of-you gift from my husband last month. I hadn’t even taken the tags off yet, which I now rectified. I then randomly grabbed things until I figured I had enough to overnight in hell. And would look stylish yet practical while doing same.
I loved the bag’s screaming red color, practical size, and quilted pattern. Not to mention the nylon material—I tended to wave drinks about excitedly as I talked, and had soaked more than one purse by accident.
I wasn’t nearly as picky about bags and purses as I was about shoes—shit, the shoe thing was enough of a drain on my finances—so getting used to really nice bags was a new thing for me.
As was, apparently, a husband who was quietly furious with me a lot. I’d have to face that music sooner or later, and I didn’t dare put it off more than a day or two.
I’d have to find out what had gotten into Sinclair—or what had gotten out. Apologize. Swear to God never to swear to God again.
I should probably work on that apology a little.
I took a last look around our bedroom, which is when I saw it: a cream-colored number-10 envelope (sorry; years of secretarial training sometimes kicked in when I least expected ... I mean, a business-size envelope, the most common size) with my name slashed across the front in black ink.
Sinclair’s handwriting.
Uh, no. I wasn’t up for this tonight. Nope. Sinclair was either sorry or not sorry. Which meant I would then either be sorry or not sorry. Either way: no time for this right now.
I stuffed the envelope into my screaming-red bag and was as ready as I could ever be. I took another look around and realized I was stalling. Not too lame and cowardly.
Right! I was ready. Denizens of evil, look out: a former secretary was gonna kick your asses all over the Underworld.
And now: to hell! Which wasn’t as cool as it sounded.
Chapter 20
L
aura and I met in the library, which was interesting. We hadn’t said in so many words, “After I pack and tuck away a probably angry missive from the dead guy I’m screwing when he’s not coldly furious with me, let’s meet in the library next to the hideous and smelly Book of the Dead.” But here we both were. Ah, sisterhood.
The book stand was still broken, which was strange. Between the two of them, Jessica and Sinclair had a battalion of employees at their beck and et cetera. Things were usually fixed so quickly and efficiently, it was like living with elves. Elves who washed cars and kept the fridge stocked with fruit, yogurt, juice, vodka, and (for those of us in Vamp Central who breathed, ate, and shat) meat and meat by-products. Also half and-half. I put half-and-half in everything. Tea. Milkshakes. Booze.
So it was a bit of a surprise to see something in the house that hadn’t been fixed.
Anyway, long story short, the Book of the Dead had been unceremoniously dumped on the end table by the far window. It should have looked ridiculous, this big, smelly ancient tome written in blood and bound in (yerrrggh!) human skin, plunked onto an end table like a TV Guide. But it didn’t. It looked ominous and weird.
“So.” I glared in the book’s direction, then glanced at my sister. She’d changed clothes, which was fine with me—the outfit she’d put together in the sculpture garden clashed, to put it mildly. No one should have to rely on the clothes of concussed rapists to accessorize. Luckily she’d been keeping a few outfits here ever since she recovered from almost killing me. “Call her.”
“Who? My mother?”
“Yeah. Give her a holler. Or the secret devil password, or whatever.”
“I can’t.”
I sighed. “Laura, we’ve been over this. We both agreed that it sucks, and we both agreed that we have to do it. So go and do it already.”
“I don’t know how to call her. What makes you think I’d know?” She shivered. “I don’t even like to speak to her.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t thought of this. “So ... you’re saying the devil comes when she wants, not when she’s called. Like a cat. A very, very, very evil cat.”
As if there were any other kind. I’d been stuck with Giselle the cat since before I died, and cordially loathed her. Our home was big enough so entire weeks went by when I didn’t see her, though I was still occasionally stuck with her litter box. The elves eschewed dirty litter boxes.
Laura shrugged. “She just sort of—you know.”
“Too well. Uh. Maybe a sacrifice?” My soul shrank from the words. Had I said I already didn’t like this? I so so so didn’t already like this. It wasn’t even midnight and we were talking sacrifices. “That’s how they do it in the movies. Some group of clueless horny teenagers sacrifice a virgin—”
“I am not going to let you sacrifice me.”
“—and poof! Up the devil pops.” I eyed my sister. “You’re probably the only virgin in a fifteen-block radius.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “I refuse.”
“Yeah, yeah; don’t get your borrowed panties in a twist. It sort of defeats the purpose, sacrificing you so we can get the devil to help you.”
“There you go, then.” Laura looked relieved.
I rubbed my forehead and squashed the urge to boot the book into the fireplace. “She said something, too. Something she prob’ly thought would be sinister yet helpful yet cryptic. Which of course I can’t remember. Something about how I’d know.”
“How you’d know what?”
“I dunno. I knew the devil depending on me to remember something weird and out of context was gonna be bad, bad news. The older I get,” I added grimly, “the less I enjoy being right all the time.”
“She wouldn’t have given you a clue if she didn’t think you’d be able to think of it”
Laura’s faith was touching, yet insane and misplaced. “Ha! All I can think about are those beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful shoes she was—aw, shit.”
“What?”
I sighed. “I know what to do. I know how we can get her here.”
“There, see!” Laura sounded delighted. “I knew you’d figure it out! See, she was right to give you a clue.”
“It’s possible I hate your mom more than you hate your mom.”
“That’s so nice of you to say,” Laura said, and squeezed my hand.
Chapter 21
l
dragged Laura up to my room—still no Sinclair, hallelujah brothers—and walked into my closet with all the speed and urgency of the condemned sprinting to the noose. I knew exactly where they were, of course.
I went to the right rack at the back of the walk-in closet, in the right spot. I took the box and opened it. Pulled aside layer after layer of carefully folded tissue paper, and carefully withdrew—
“You sort of look like those guys who have to handle used fuel rods in nuclear plants. They use those big giant gloves and take all these safety precautions in order to—ohhh.”
“This.” I turned and walked toward Laura, cradling the box as I would my brother, Babyjon. “This is what I was looking for.”
She followed me out of the closet, back down the stairs, through several hallways, and back to the library, where I’d started a fire before galloping to my room.
“This is what I must do.”
Laura whimpered and her hands flew to her mouth. Her blue eyes looked enormous as she stared at me over her fingers. “Oh ... no, Betsy. Please no.”